When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  Amanda struggles now grabbing at his hands, and pushing his face "yes, and I spoke to him about twice... get off me! stop pulling my hair! you're hurting me!" she says, her pain gradually beginning to turn to frustration.

  Bert now puts his free hand around the nape of her neck, he grasps it "who is he, then? how do you know 'im?! he better not be your ex?! an' don't you be fuckin' lyin'! 'sides ya know I can tell!" he says, growling into her face, she responds choking on her words slightly "n-no, he's not! you're not listening! he was just a, a guy I spoke to a couple times back then, that I felt sorry for! th, that I barely knew! Bert! LET GO!" Bert finally let's go, choosing to push her back down on her chair, the tears still streaming down her face.

  Bert crouches down next to her, and looks at her avoiding eyes with nothing but pure hate and intimidation. "So why's he comin' 'ere, practically ridin' down the 'all on his white fucking horse! why's he tryin' ta' tell ME and you what to do?! if yer' barely know 'im!" Bert says annoyed, between pointing, and prodding at her face, he continues "an' you're tellin' me that you've supposed to have "only spoke to him twice!" alright, ok... then why did he know my fuckin' name?!" he says, first mocking her voice, and then again finally, gritting his teeth.

  Amanda stands up, and walks away, attempting to fix her formerly long and beautiful black hair, which is now showing a few strands of grey, she turns round and looks Bert in the eyes "maybe it's because were always arguing! always screaming each others names all the time using obscenities as a bloody prefix! which is usually right before you hit me again! did you ever think of that Bert?!" she exclaims, while throwing her hands around in protest.

  Amanda goes over to sit on the sofa, again wiping her eyes, Bert kicks her chair back under the table before sitting on top of it, he chuckles to himself slightly for a while, before talking some more and asking his questions. "You give as good as ya' get, So... did you fuck 'im'?!" before Bert can get a response, he notices the cool draft from the open window to his right.

  Bert hops angrily off the table "... also I thought I told you already... ta shut this FUCKING window!" he says, as he walks over to the window, slamming it shut. He turns to Amanda again "did you fuck 'im'?!" Amanda attempts to look slightly confused and disgusted at his question. "What? No!" she says in attempted astonishment, Bert casually begins to walk towards her "I said... DID. YOU. FUCK. HIM?!" he shouts his question firmly in anger, directly and precisely targeted towards her.

  Amanda now stands up and gestures sarcastically. "Why yes of course I did Bert! because, like you I fuck everyone I meet, don't I? and of course, I only ever do it to spite you! No! no I didn't! "fuck him!" she says firmly, before folding her arms. Bert begins to wag an outstretched index finger of his right hand at her, as he again starts to get in her face "Oh-ho-hoo! don't get fucking smart with me, or I'll put ya through that window head fuckin' first! jus' give me yet another reason to why don't you?! Go on! you fucking... " he says before finally making a fist, Amanda stars to cry once again. "Good, at least I'll be outside, and away from you then!" she says as she storms off, slamming the door to the bedroom.

  Bert clasps his hands behind his head, yawns and stretches."....What's for dinner?" he asks, while calmly and casually shouting at the fleeing woman through the now closed door.

  A few hours have passed, Bert lays on the sofa with his pair of rank looking grey sock-covered feet resting on the small coffee table, he's drinking a beer and flicking through the TV channels on their new looking but already cracked forty-six inch plasma screen, all the time, holding a broken looking remote as it lays uncaringly in his hand, he stops on football. Amanda is unseen, either in the kitchen or one of the other rooms.

  Bert turns his head while still looking at the TV. "Oi! Mandy!" he shouts, there is only silence "Mandy! c'mere! NOW!" Bert continuously shouts once again, while still watching football.

  A tired and disembodied sounding voice shouts back in response. "What? what do you want?!"

  Bert slams the remote down on the coffee table, and stops watching TV. "Well, if you'd fuckin' c'mere! I'll fuckin' tell you as much! won't I?! Come! HERE!" he says in a annoyed, stern, and loud tone of voice.

  Amanda appears at the kitchen door, her arms folded, silent.

  Bert takes his filthy socked feet off the coffee table, and still sat, he turns to Amanda as he scratches his face ready to tell a short yet riveting tale. "Ok, listen, Mand' while I was down the local, I met Sully, Biff, an' Ernie too!" he says, with unbridled glee.

  Amanda now leans on the door frame in the kitchen doorway, her arms still folded "So?" she asks with little interest in either him, or his exploits.

  Bert happily and ignorantly continues telling his tale, blindly ignoring any of Amanda's body language. "Well, I been hearin' things even before I saw 'em there, I 'eared that they had some extra work they needed 'elp with! so I asked 'em 'bout it, an' they said "sure, we do" an' then Biff said! 'cos he's the funny one right? said that the foreman was "working 'em all like fuckin' nigger slaves" or somethin' Ha-ha!" Anyway, 'cos of that they needed way more 'elp! so I asked 'em an' they said yes! and to check in on site monday mornin' an' ask! how 'bout that eh?!" he grins happily.

  Amanda gives him the side-eye "What kind of work?" she asks unconvinced.

  Bert, not unusually looks confused, as he briefly tries to remember. "Well, I'm sure I told you about 'em before, right? Sully and Biff are in construction! they're both workin' on the new skyscraper over near Exchange Square! yer' know? the massive one they was always talkin' about buildin'!"

  Amanda laughs briefly, letting her guard down for a second. "You mean... you're actually thinking of getting up early and WORKING for a living?! doing actual honest to god work for once?!" she asks, her eyes rolling sarcastically.

  Bert picks up the busted remote and begins talking, ignoring her blatant sarcasm, as he simply goes back to putting his feet on the coffee table and watching the game. "Yeah, and why not? beats rippin' of old plasma TVs... Besides, they ain't sellin' no more, it's all ultra-high definition and 'olograms nowadays..." he says, lamentably.

  Amanda turns back to the kitchen as she waves an unsympathetic hand "you know, you go do whatever you want, Bert." she says uninterested, as she walks away.

  Bert doesn't notice, instead he continues talking to the empty room. "Well it's either that or join the fuckin' army like they was sayin' or go back to doin' them TVs... but if we're ever going to start a family... Mand? where you goin'?! ...Manda? where you gone?!" he asks, before noticing... finally.

  Bert rolls both his head and eyes then shrugs the air like a spoilt child, once again slamming the remote down on the table. "For fuck sake 'manda! how many times am I gonna have to 'pologise?!"

  FORTY SIX

  ...This whole world is filled with stupid. It's on every street. It seeps up from the cracks in the pavement. It's in every home...

  The truth is, that there is nothing wrong with the world, no, I'm totally serious, like, there's nothing actually wrong with it.... it's just all the fucking people on it!

  ...I have to finally admit to myself, that I am a full-blown misanthrope... I hate people. I know this isn't some kind of big surprise, but I've been lying to myself about it for YEARS, probably trying to prevent the fall into full misanthropy... it's too late now though, I can't dance around it anymore, I would previously try to rationalise things to myself like "don't get me wrong, I know that everyone in the world isn't a complete scumbag... but let's be real shall we? it's still like a 100-1 scumbag-to-non-scumbag ratio."

  Bull-fucking-shit! I'll tell you now! it's FAR higher than that! so let's say we use a "conservative" estimate... say like ONE out of every THOUSAND people who isn't a complete fucking-cunt-fucking-cum-dumpster-fucking-scumbag! but there! y'see! there is the problem! if it is one out of every... ten thousand, like I suspect... then that means that the ratio is so fucking high, that it's all completely fucking negligible anyway!

  Oh, and also I'm utterly convinced at this
point that people in general could fuck just about anything up...

  I stopped taking my useless fucking pills for the last few days, Why did I stop taking my medication? because, regardless, with or without alcohol they, along with all the rest of them, just didn't work very well anyway... so what was the point? I feel better now though, yes, better than ever! because honestly, what does it even matter?! it's all pointless, but now everything feels...

  I said to myself I'll stop taking them, at least until my next appointment with the mind rapist where I can bring up all the problems I had taking them directly with her... well, that's besides the fact that they're little better than repeatedly popping-fucking-cyanide tablets!

  I'll be sure to bring up all the other "minor" behavioural issues they've been causing as well. Oh, you know?! like desperately wanting the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD GLASSED IN A NUCLEAR FUCKING HOLOCAUST, AND EVERYONE LYING FUCKING DEAD?!?!

  ...Fucking psychiatry. Fucking pills, it's all complete bullshit! It didn't do shit for me!

  ......Ok, I admit, I've been feeling a little more crimson recently... probably because of all that Amanda shit... honestly though, who gives a fuck WHY I'm angry? Rage is rage regardless, so who cares about how it's caused? it's how it manifests!

  Besides, I'd rather be angry than go around lying about it, all passive-fucking-aggressive like everyone else out there! people are pathological liars, constantly lying to themselves about every little fucking thing! and even about the lies themselves!

  You just have to face the facts, despite what lies society tries to tell you, the vast majority of people out there just aren't that good... in fact, the vast majority are completely rotten-garbage that I wouldn't piss on if they were all on fire!

  Oh, and the fucking trash natives of this cunt-tree are the worst! but first, you have to realise something about these "people" all most of them are is a very large mouth, and little else besides. They're the same everywhere... gutless, passive aggressive, cowardly little scumbags, nothing but more mouth-running invertebrate shit with nothing to back it up, just like everybody else! but they can't ever talk their shit to someone's face, though, can they? Nooo! you know why? because none of them have the guts, that's why!

  ... Snidey, spineless little cunts, and they can't ever take what they try to dish out! these "people" no, these dumb-fucking-animals, are almost guaranteed to never have the balls to do anything by themselves, much less fight their own battles! oh! but they can't fight fair and by themselves, oh no! and the only time that they're not altogether "dumb" per say, is when they're too busy being sly, because it's like I said they don't have the guts!

  Unless that is... ok, sure, they can mob and attack their way through life, like any other cowardly little pack animals roaming around in gangs of scum! but still, they will only ever attack when they unfairly, and drastically outnumber their opponents something like 10-1! and that's simply because their little group is made up of even more weak and inadequate trash just like them! I fucking hate everyone! they're all rotten bastards that can die and go to hell!

  People get worse as they get older 'til there so full of shit that they have nothing else to do than just roll over and die!

  ...Take all the small-dicked losers who like to wake everybody up at 3 a.m. by driving around in shitty, overpriced and overtuned penis-compensation mobiles. Who cares if some worthless fuck like that lives or dies in some "horrific" road accident?! ...Good! nothing of any value was lost whatsoever! it's only one less stupid piece of shit on the planet anyway, the same goes for all the fucking bipedal assholes in the world protesting and complaining about "wind farms" or whatever the shit... Seriously? it's environmentally friendly, and it enhances the scenery! Fuck you!!

  Oh, and then you got these other "misguided humanitarians" or "campaigners" or whatever you want to call these fucking lepers now, the "(a)moral crusaders" of the world, who are always "outraged" about something or other... they're all fucking hypocrites that are always trying to infringe on, or outright ban everything, now including personal freedoms! I mean, I can't stand heavy metal, but you don't see me standing on a street corner like a dumbass holding a badly spelled sign and trying to completely ban it! likewise, I hate fucking people right down to their rotten-fucking-cores! but yeah, you don't see me protesting about them on TV either!!

  Also, listen close, I don't do drugs, well... except for all that prescription-poison they keep on giving me, but still.... IF I WANT, OR CHOOSE TO SMOKE, SHOOT, OR SNORT SOMETHING, LEGAL OR ILLICIT IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN FUCKING HOME... I WILL!!! oh, and you know what?... I'll fucking smoke, shoot, or snort it in the street too! It's called personal space... NOW GO FIND YOURS!!! AND THE FUCKING FURTHER AWAY YOU ARE FROM ME THE BETTER!!!

  MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, YOU STUPID CONTEMPTIBLE AND DESPICABLE FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!!

  .... I despise the human race, they're like mold forever turning anything good to shit! yeah, and I can't wait for them to colonize space, so this cancer can spread throughout the stars! ...it's always the same with these fuckers. I don't fear death anymore, see, if you can get past the fear, then you'll see that it doesn't matter in the end. In fact, I'd much rather die violently instead of in-bed, wasting away from some fuck-awful terminal disease. I think it was around this time of the year that...

  Why am I always right about the wrong things, and wrong about the right ones?! Take "hope" for example, nah, fuck that... first let's go with "optimism" any so-called "optimists" in life are simply lying, self-deceitful cunts under a different name! See, to be an "optimist" in this world you have to be a complete fucking blind-liar, and not only to yourself, but to others as well, plain-and-simple, don't believe me? then take a good hard look around for once... and don't you talk to me about fucking pessimism! the world is a rotten shithole, filled with rotten-as-shit bastards, who worship a rotten shit of a god, who's supposed to have created this entire rotten-fucking-hell, remember?!

  I'm not a pessimist, and I never have been, no, I'm a realist.

  Now, where was I? Ah, yes, "hope" you see, hope itself is nothing more than yet another complete fucking fallacy and lie! Think about it, what is "hope?" well?!

  ...Yeah, exactly! it's yet another unprovable, hence non-existent false abstract concept like "luck" or something, it's nothing provably tangible, so then what use is it?!

  Think about it! it's completely worthless! see, I can hope for something all day long, for years even, but then it all comes down to shear mathematical probability anyway! therefore hope is a lie, it must be!

  Say I flipped a coin, right? and I'm REALLY hoping for heads... and it actually gives me heads, was that hope that caused it? NO! of-fucking-course-not! it's simple mathematics, that's all! hope fucks you, then it betrays you! Hope is a lie!

  Fuck hope... Fuck it right in the ass.

  FORTY SEVEN

  ...Well, I finally saw my therapist today, and so I told her that I stopped my medication because of all these tiny little problems like making me feel like I want to kill myself and other people... I think she understood, which is great, still, she immediately insisted that I try these "new" pills, I however, insisted that I didn't need them, and after the last few meds, I didn't even want 'em.

  She wasn't having any of it though, and to be honest, wouldn't really move on the issue, and then she said.. how did she put it? that I "specifically need to be on medication, due to the fact that I have mentioned suicide, and have also thought about acting on violent thoughts, and because of that, I may have the propensity to be a danger to both myself, and those around me..."

  She also seemed "insistent" that if I flat out refused medication, then she would seriously consider putting me in a mental "health" facility for observation. ... I finally relented when she went there, of course, and so I asked her if I could just "try out" the new medication, y'know? like on a trial period? and if I felt like it wasn't working for me, I could maybe quit them? ...she agreed, and so here I am. I think that pretty much summarises all of it...<
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  I checked online again as soon as I got back from the appointment and collected my prescription, y'know? just checking all the possible side effects of these particular tablets now... and sure enough, as far as the listed side effects go, they look just as bad if not worse than the others I've tried up to now.

  The only thing I've learnt from all my time on various medications, be they antidepressants, anticonvulsants, or mood stabilisers is this, they don't actually fix anything, nothing... at all. Mostly they just cover-up old problems with new ones, and even then they're fairly tenuous at best. It's like simply papering over old wallpaper, instead of actually taking the time to remove it first, and with that, you're just asking for trouble.

  Anyway, instead of all the time I may just start taking these new ones occasionally, or maybe not at all.

  Hmm... well, I might even stick with them just to see what happens...