When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

.....Whatever, at this point, who cares?

  FORTY EIGHT

  *Muffled shouting in the background, arguing*

  Sometimes I lay awake and I think about things, stupid unrelated things... I remember back when I was a kid lying in bed at night and when I closed my eyes, I would begin to get this feeling, a sense of loss, a sorrow so profound, that I couldn't even describe it properly. At that point, I had never really lost anyone though, well, yet... still, I couldn't figure out why.

  Sometimes... sometimes I would think that maybe it was from another life, or repressed memories or... that maybe I was just crazy, anyway, who knows?

  I don't enjoy anything anymore, after a while after all the disappointment and failure, you just don't care... it's so boring now... I think it's Autumn, I just remembered something... wait, what was it again? oh yes, I remembered that I don't really care anyway... oh well.

  Amanda... I'd be lying to myself if I didn't think about you, dream about you even... but that doesn't really matter does it? I still think about Emma sometimes, and she's still dead.

  The last time I talked to my mother on the phone... well "talked" would actually be subjective, so in-between her ranting and raving she said this. "This is just like you, typical! always waiting for someone or something to carry you through life, waiting forever on some destiny or other!"

  So I replied "...oh, I thought you knew? after all, I am your son, aren't I? I don't believe in destiny or fate mother, well except for the one thing everyone seems destined to be..."

  "... and what is that, Jack?" she asked.

  "Corpses. Everybody is destined to be corpses" I said.

  Then she finally turned round and asked me this. "Do you want to die alone? is that what you want?"

  So... do you know what I told her? I said "We all die alone." ...and then she hung up.

  It's true though, besides, as far as life goes, nobody gets out alive in the end, so why even bother? but I should have been the one to have hung up instead, I should have hung up years ago.

  I guess I'm simply not cut out for life, I just realised recently that I can't cope with living. Too inept... it's everything now, it's one big never-ending downward spiral.

  Buddhists believe in reincarnation, a great wheel that keeps forever turning, and to get to the highest stage of existence "Nirvana" if you will, is to completely "get off" the wheel, and to do that, one would have to give up all wants, desires, thought and emotions as well as any free will, and until you do, it remains an endless cycle of death, rebirth and misery up until that day... I'm not religious, but I partially agree, I suppose... life really is nothing more than different degrees of successive misery.

  The reason I'm even thinking about this kind of thing is because... I, I have memories sometimes... I think.. things I shouldn't remember, vivid experiences of people and places in the past that I've never seen before, and that I shouldn't even know about... could that all be part of the debt? Maybe.

  Maybe it's true, maybe we are trapped on this, this "wheel" and we have to learn to forsake what makes us human. If so, to what ends? and what is this all for? I mean, If we come from nothing into existence, and we're supposed to grow and "transcend" our existences and go back to nothingness, then why come into it in the first place? Why even bother? so we can just strive to go back to oblivion again?

  ...I hate that thought. To desire, to experience are two of the few reasons to even live... and I'm just supposed to forsake that and go straight back to some... nothingness? and THAT'S your enlightenment, completely ceasing to exist??

  That means that the nihilists were right all along then, about what? ...oh, well, you know? about how completely and utterly pointless everything is...

  *Shouting grows louder*

  "AHHHH! DON'T! STOP!! NO!!!"

  ...Here we go again.

  *Loud crying, sobbing*

  ...I'm coming.

  FORTY NINE

  *Knock knock*

  (Whatever happens... happens.)

  *Crying stops, snivelling*

  *Heavy footsteps*

  *Door opens*

  "Well, well. If it isn't Jack once again! our resident nosey fuckin' neighbour!"

  "Hello, Bert. Can you please stop attacking Amanda now?"

  "I'll tell you what boyo, I'll do that, when you can finally learn to mind yer' own business! can ya' manage that? or do you need some 'elp?"

  "Honestly, I would love to, really... but there's just something about a fuck-ugly, yellow-toothed six foot yeti with a uni-brow, repeatedly hitting a woman in the face making her scream and shout bloody murder so loud, that you can hear it halfway across the building, that makes the whole thing fairly hard to ignore..."

  (Here we go. Brace yourself!)

  "Is that right? well in that case... WHY DON'T YOU TRY SLEEPIN' THROUGH IT THEN?!"

  *Bert punches Jack in the mouth. Hard, he hits the ground.*

  "...That's funny 'eh?! aww! what happened to that smart mouth of yours?! Well, from where I'm standin' it looks like your bleedin' from it now!"

  "What's going on?!"

  (....Amanda.)

  "Bert?! Oh no! what have you done?!"

  "What? he can't mind his own fucking business! then he started mouthin' off about me brows' n' all! Fuck 'im! he deserves it!"

  (Have you learned anything yet, Jackie-boy? No good deed goes unpunished!)

  "Jack! are you alright?!"

  "Everything's ok, Amanda. I'm fine."

  "All you people in the hallway! I'm warning you! I saw that! I'm calling the police! Do you hear me?!"

  "ANOTHER FUCKING NEIGHBOUR THAT CAN'T MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS! WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT HERE, INSTEAD OF LOOKIN' THROUGH YOUR LITTLE HOLE IN THE DOOR! YOU STUPID OLD BITCH!!!"

  "Oh, Bert, shush! you're already on probation!"

  (... Ow, my head.)

  "So?!"

  "So? so now they're going to throw the book at you! you idiot!"

  "I'll talk my way out of it, Mand' I always do!"

  "Bert! go Inside!"

  "... But Mandy!"

  "Go! I'll take Jack home..."

  "You don't need to, really I'm ok..."

  "Come on Jack, hang on to me. Let's go."

  FIFTY

  *A police radio murmurs*

  (...am I going to press charges?)

  "Do you want to, Sir?"

  (I dunno, is the grass green? is the sky blue? is water wet? of course I do! Fuck him!)

  "Amanda? wh..."

  "Don't look at me Jack, its your call."

  "I'm not sure *cough* what do I need to do? Mr... uh, I mean officer?"

  "Well, a short statement would be enough, we already have another witness, one of the neighbours that called us about the incident."

  "O-Officer?"

  "Yes Ma'am?"

  "...May I ask you something?"

  "Yes ma'am, you certainly can... but by the way you're looking, would you like to make a statement of your own?"

  "I, no. Thank you, but what will happen to my fiancé now? Bert um, you see... was already on probation..."

  (W-WHAT?!?! Fiancé?!! H,How?! I mean... I-I don't even see a ring! no... you... I can't! You... you're actually telling me, no, you're telling everyone here that you're seriously ENGAGED to that, that organism?! ...I'm sorry! but that, that's not a man. That's a skunk in bad human disguise, trying to pass itself off as one, and poorly at that! I can't... I can't believe it! ..I won't! ..Fiancé?! Are you serious?!! Are you deficient?!!! ARE YOU COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY MENTALLY INSANE?!?!)

  "... along with that fact, yes, he'll almost certainly be kept in the cells overnight, then in the morning he'll most likely appear in court along with any evidence gathered, where they will be trying to put as many things as possible together to try for a conviction."

  (I know they say love is blind, but is it really deaf, dumb, and stupid too?!)

  "Then what? ...I'm sorry that I'm taking up everyone’s time here asking all this officer, but he is my fianc
é, can you please tell me as much as you can about what will happen in court specifically?"

  (My balls itch...)

  "Well, things such as his current probationary status will certainly be taken into consideration, along with any possible violations, things such as character, and personal circumstances will all be taken into consideration. Anything else pertinent, really, although mitigation honestly isn't guaranteed either way. Any previous convictions will also be taken into account if and when sentencing may occur."

  "Will he go to prison?"

  (Dear PINSQUID I hope so.)

  "Honestly ma'am, I can't say. It's for the courts to decide, and it depends on a number of factors..."

  "Ok... Thank you."

  "That's fine then. Sir? would you like to give me your statement?"

  (You bet I do! Whoo-hoo!! Don't drop the fucking soap you fucker!!!)

  "...Yeah, uh, sure."

  FIFTY ONE

  I'm laying here tired, and wondering if people can truly change?

  I know it's been asked before, probably a million different times, but to my knowledge it's never been answered properly.

  Personally, I don't believe that anyone can really change, not for a second, I mean, sure, you can change your actions, and the way you react to certain things, I suppose, as well as any other superficial skin-deep surface attributes you may have, but to actually change you, to change yourself? who you are at your core? No. Never. Impossible.

  Take for example... A snake.

  Now, a snake will shed its skin every once in a while, obviously, however, this does not stop the snake from being a snake, and nor does it ever try to be anything else, or for that matter second-guess itself as to what it "wants to be now" after its so-called "change" No. A snake is a snake, and it always will be, especially among other snakes.

  It's nearly the exact same thing with people, see, they can put on the different clothing, the disgusting fur coats, and then they can smear themselves with all the make-up that they want, along with wearing any gaudy jewelry they can get their greedy little paws on. Hell, they can even change hairstyles, or get themselves hilariously bad tattoos, right along with things like losing weight, putting on muscle mass, or even having plastic surgery... and all so they can turn themselves into some kind of expressionless walking blow-up dolls, and freakish looking mannequin creatures...

  They can do whatever they want, and they can do it as many times as they please, covering every facet. All the while forever pretending that they are something that they're not... that they have now "changed" somehow... Don't you see? it's the same thing with humans. Except snakes don't have existential crises every time they try and shed their skin, and then start trying to convince themselves, and all the other snakes that they're no longer reptiles anymore.

  My mouth still hurts...

  I'm waiting to hear from Amanda about what's happened to "Berk" although he's a complete fucking scumbag... in this country, that just means he'll be back on the street a little sooner than usual. It's funny how you can have a "justice system" without any actual form of justice involved...

  Still, that's the way it is when you have a society filled, staffed, and overseen, almost exclusively by nothing but complete morons.

  I wonder...

  *Knock knock*

  Well, that's either Amanda or the police. Either way, I hope it's good news...

  *Door opens*

  "Jack?"

  "Amanda? ...come in."

  *Door shuts*

  "...I might as well tell you now, I spoke to Bert on the phone *sigh* he sounded really depressed..."

  (Oh no.... I'm fucking crying on the inside, really!)

  "...So, what's happened Amanda?"

  "Well, he wouldn't really go into specifics, but for the actual "assault" he said he's looking at, among other things... some jail time."

  (FUCK YEAH!!! there is a god! phew!... well... metaphorically speaking anyway...)

  "What a shame..."

  "Jack! you don't have to be facetious! I know full-well how you feel about Bert!"

  (No, see, you really don't... Among many, many other things, I also think he's a inbred, woman-hating shitburglar.)

  "Well, what do you want me to say Amanda? "I'm sorry that the abusive, nearly bald, half-wit trog' that you're falsely engaged to, is finally behind the bars where he belongs? " Uh, sorry, but no... also, two key words you should meditate on.. "marrying" and "why?".

  "What? how can I be "falsely engaged" to my own fiancé?! ...That doesn't even make sense, even for you!"

  "...You're telling me Amanda! That's why I obviously thought it was a mistake!"

  "W, Wha? I, you're acting like Bert is evil or something! He's not!"

  "No... you're right. I agree he's not evil, simply because truly evil people tend to be more, how should I say it... intellectual?"

  "Bert isn't stupid either! God, stop doing that! you don't see his kind, and his funny side. Why? because you won't even look! we were looking to try and settle down, have kids together, start a family..."

  (...there are no fucking words. None.)

  "......A-Amanda, listen to me! you, you mean that... he, he has the urge?! ...that it's starting?! you mean he actually wants to breed?! with YOU?! He wants actual OFFSPRING?! to come into the world!!! ...Please, tell me that you're kidding? please! there are already more than enough mouth-breathing fucking imbeciles on this planet!"

  (It's not going to work...)

  "... Please, please! I beg you! Amanda! do your own small part simply by not adding his fucked-up primate DNA to the already heavily-tainted gene pool!"

  (Have you ever asked yourself, Jack? why is it that morons like him, especially, feel the strongest urge to breed?)

  "L-Listen to me Amanda, the gene pool needs cleaning for god's sake! there are enough people throwing crap in it! ...Toddlers pissing and throwing-up all over the place, old people constantly shitting in there, people throwing used bandages away... leaving hypodermic needles in th... Wait! ..where are you going?"

  "...I'm leaving."

  *Door opens*

  "...But Amanda, you're beautiful, intelligent! you can do so much better than him!"

  *Door shuts*

  "...Even if you got a dog, or something, it would still be an improvement! ......Amanda!"

  "*sigh* I don't even know why I bother..."

  FIFTY TWO

  I'm still lying in bed trying to fall asleep, but I can't, because I keep thinking about yesterday afternoon... about all those things that I said to Amanda. I've done it so many times today, I'm starting to feel tired, and hungry...

  I have to admit that I might be lacking in some, uh, tact... but that's only because my people skills are so... well, none existent, really...

  I keep thinking about what I should have done, y'know? what I could have said to her instead.

  Maybe it should have been something along the lines of "Oh noes! poor Amanda-poo! boo-hoo! I'm SO sorry that your ape of a boyfriend, who nearly just about smashed my face in, is going straight to jail where he belongs! Oh, but I can't wait for him to get out, so you can both have sweaty-filthy monkey-sex together! over and over! all-night-fucking-long!! FUCK YOU!!!"

  ...See, can't do it.

  I know what a "normal" person would have done. "Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, pretend to care, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, *yawn* more lies..." etcetera, etcetera, and so on... and so forth.. at least I've got the guts to tell the truth.... Ok, so, obviously I know I can't do that, just stand there and keep lying to her over and over, I mean... it's not in my nature, and it's not even the lying to her. No, it's the lying to myself that I can't abide.

  ...When you start lying to yourself things start falling apart... and I don't care, I felt it yesterday, I know it... I'm sure she did too, right before she stormed out...

  ...I could tell that there was this, this energy between us both... yeah, *yawn* ...she wanted me to stuff her like a Christmas turkey....

  *Kn
ock knock*