When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  ".....This is exactly what I meant Jack, exactly! you always have to see the absolute worst in everything! and now I know why. It's because you're a weird, sad and pathetic, bitter old man... and you know what? you've always been acting like this, ever since I met you ...and you're not even old!"

  "...I'm acting old... really? Well, I suppose someone has to on this godforsaken fucking planet. Now, why is it that I seem to act so "old" to you anyway? is it because, rare as it is nowadays I can actually think for myself? ....No, no, it's not even that... I'll tell you what it is! it's because I'm not yet another outwardly "high maintenance" fraudulent moron that's completely obsessed with my own self-appearance, and because of that, has absolutely no self-esteem, and the attention span of a highly-demanding child. It... it's because I'm not someone that's totally infatuated with empty-superficial-phony-shit like "fame" and "celebrity" and putting all my self-worth in random assholes that I've never even met, then proceeding to idolize and worship them by putting them on a pedestal like the rest of this stupid fucking society... even when they treat you like fucking peasants! You're nothing more than a bunch of childlike and brain-dead fuckwits, and you all make me sick!"

  "I-I'm not..."

  "Yeah, and you know what that's called, don't you? It's called thinking for yourself and Growing the fuck up!"

  "...I am not society Jack!"

  "Oh, yes you are, you're part of it, part of the problem!"

  "Oh yeah! and as for me being pathetic, Amanda... in the end the only thing more pathetic than a sad, out of touch loser, bitching about all the things he hates... is the even more inevitable, and completely pathetic defence force of sad-little-apologists, that come swooping down to defend all of those things... Especially when they're beyond indefensible!"

  ".....I think you should leave."

  "Fine! I'll leave Amanda ....but you, you listen here first! ...I, I love you, a-and, I... ah, fuck it..."

  *Door slams shut*

  FIFTY SEVEN

  "FUCK IT!!!" "GODDAMNIT!!!" "FUCKING!!!"

  "FUCK!!!"

  "FUCKING-CUNT-MOTHERFUCKING-BASTARD-HORSE!!!"

  "FUCK YOU!!!"

  "YOU FUCK!!!"

  "YOU FUCKERS!!!"

  "FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!! YOOOUUU!!!"

  FIFTY EIGHT

  ......I, I thought it was me at first, I guess not...

  (But I don't wanna' go home!)

  I-I heard it calling, same as the loud voice somewhere in the back of my head.

  (Really? is that so? that may be... or instead perhaps it is YOU that is in the back of mine!)

  I stopped screaming after a while... and so I went to sleep, I must have passed out... When I awoke, my voice was still hurting. Although I remembered something, something important...

  I hate my mother.

  (Hate will destroy you.)

  ... I, I can finally admit that to myself without using petty excuses, things like "oh, she isn't too bad, it's just 'cos she's tired..." or "I just dislike her, I don't really hate her."

  I'm pretty sure I was never breast-fed and because of it, I probably never developed that initial attachment. However, that isn't the main reason.

  No, the reason that I hate my mother is... well, besides the fact that she never loved me, and you know? neither of them really did. I could always tell my parents never loved each other either, they only got married out of a feeling of... obligation, and both of them never loved each other, because they were the type of people that never really loved themselves. They were completely incapable of it, and some people just aren't cut out to be parents... but that also isn't the reason either.

  No, I know why I hate my mother, it's because of the rare occurrences, the few times when she couldn't actually pretend that I wasn't there, or ignore me, she would always treat me like a child. No, it was more than that, I-I was always just a problem to be fixed. I resent her so much for that. The thing I don't like when I'm thinking about this... is the fact I know exactly how she'd respond to me saying it as well.

  She'd say... "Well, you have no idea how hard it is to raise a child." No, I do. I really, really do, and that's why I plan on never having any of my own, and you should have done the same!

  I always remembered her doing that... treating me like, like a kid, even when I became an adult, it was always the same thing "No, you can't go there, you'll be going here!" or "No, you can't do that, you should be doing this instead!" and then there were the things like "That particular school isn't good enough, it's not what I want for him."

  ...Not what you want?!

  S-STOP TELLING ME HOW TO RUN MY LIFE!!!

  (Yeah, you tell her! but, but you're not really telling her, are you?)

  Th, then there was this classic, intended for all purpose use. "Your father and I have decided..."

  Yeah, you and my father decided alright, you both decided to ruin my life a long time ago!

  (That is what you believe? that those who gave you life also took of your free will and cast it aside? Only you did this, you have only yourself to blame.)

  FIFTY NINE

  Some people say that "the hardest thing in life is to raise a child" well, perhaps that is a candidate for the most willfully foolish thing one can choose to do in life, although it's certainly not the hardest.

  Nearly everywhere it's the same as what modern society expects of you. Society says I should be married in a few years. Oh yeah? ...for what?! and honestly, it shouldn't even be called "marrage" anymore...

  No, I'm deadly serious, because of the current zeitgeist, etymology practically demands it be renamed to "pre-divorce" now instead.

  Regardless of the fact that I'm not exactly the "pre-divorcing" type... or the relationship type.. or even the people type when it comes down to it. Ok, still, so I get married... then what? so now I get to spend my time paying for some conniving, scheming, ungrateful fucking bitch of a wife to crank out a bunch of useless moronic kids that I don't want? and then one day I get to watch her piss off with half my hard-earned money and belongings that she hasn't even earned, and all because she's suddenly decided that she isn't "happy" or "fulfilled" anymore... are you serious?

  People like that are nothing more than fucking tumors, why would you ever want to risk having children with someone like that? Why?! so you can both make idiotic little versions of yourselves? ...oh, and so that you and all the other idiots you know, can brainwash them with their own personal brand of hatred, nonsense, stupid preconceptions, and the other various unvalidated bigotries that you've gained over the course of your completely pointless lifetimes.

  All that, just so, like you, they can go along idiotically stumbling their way through life, making mistake after mistake, like the billions of other worthless fucking cretins on the planet. All the while completely and blissfully unaware, that they're forever re-repeating your own stupid mistakes of yesteryear, and then you get to watch from the sidelines... as you slowly rot away and die. So, did you enjoy yourself? did you have a good time?! No? oh well... adios anyways!

  Then they go on to breed, and endlessly repeat it ad-fucking-nauseam?!

  Society's a bad joke, and only a few like me already know the punchline... but I digress.

  (You're supposed to be smarter than this!)

  "...I am!"

  A fairly bright child can probably raise itself, if you simply stopped fussing all the time and left it alone... it may do it badly, sure, but it could still probably raise itself nonetheless. Certainly a lot better than most parents I see these days...

  No, my own personal conjecture would be that the hardest thing to do in life is to end it, besides, what else should one do when completely inept, tired, and sick of life?

  Yes, to end ones own life, either by pulling the trigger, popping pills, dragging the blade, or numerous other ways, all of it a journey into the abyss, the great unknown, into oblivion, and usually already in a depressed state. It takes so much courage to take an already bad situation and gamble it away, probab
ly making it far worse.

  Even if death ends up as completely misrable as life, if you think about suicide in terms of hastening, or getting through this particular stage of misery much quicker, then maybe it's not so bad... Look, you can either choose slow death what with the whole job, wife, kids and mortgage deal, or you can speed the whole thing up a little!

  Now I get why people kill themselves... they simply realise it isn't worth the misery anymore, and then they just off themselves. Besides, everything rots and dies sooner or later so what's the point to anything anyway?

  (It's going to be all right!)

  "You... LIAR!!"

  No, it's not... it's really, really not...

  (It's always darkest before dawn!)

  ... Always darkest before dawn? what kind of fairy-tail fuck-shit is that?! No, it's not "always darkest before dawn" it's always darkest before death! "NOW, FUCK OFF!!!"

  ... I'd never make a pathetic cry for help attempt at suicide, I once heard of this girl, well, actually, someone who was close to my family, it was my cousin's friend and this was a while back. Anyway, one night she downed dozens, and dozens of painkillers, then right afterwards she went over to a friends house, y'know? as a kind of "cry for help?" She did actually survive, but still, it's too bad about the permanent liver damage she ended up with...

  Going by overdose certainly ain't for me, there's just something about spending your final moments painfully slipping in and out of consciousness, while waiting for the end to come that just doesn't do it for me, I'd rather do something much quicker... something much more brutal, just to be sure, and no making a fake attempt at some pointless cry for help like some pathetic weakling.

  (Don't give up!)

  "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

  Part of me wants to die regardless, the rest, simply hates everything. Either way, I'll never be fooled into thinking that "life's worth living," besides, life isn't a gift, it's a curse. So, maybe it's true that you can't change your fate, and even so, if I could, where am I going to run to? where would I even go? because it's all shit, cunts, and misery anyway...

  People always say that "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" however, the temporary problem, in this case, is life.

  So, you know what they say? If you gotta go... Go with a BANG!!!

  First off, for my preferred choice, I would definitely opt for.... Firearms!

  Pros: Extremely quick, obviously. No pain (if done right). No fuss. High lethality, low risk of failure. No arduous set up. Possibly makes a statement... especially after a massive killing spree.

  Cons: Cost of ownership variable, price and availability should first be considered. High Noise. Moderate to highly messy. Illegal to own in certain places.

  Guns in this country are nearly completely illegal, and as a result, nearly impossible for the average citizen to get a hold of, well, unless your a criminal or you work for them, then it's apparently fairly easy.

  Another issue is that it's very loud and messy when used on one's self, but that may or may not be much of a bother depending on your specific circumstances. For instance, I live alone anyway, so I don't really care about noise or mess either way... but if you were to, say, use a shotgun in the act, instead of a handgun or something, then first off, you may want to consider the results, which can be a little off-putting, especially for those that could eventually find the corpse...

  So, first and foremost, you should probably seriously consider as to who may find the body, because as you may or not know, anything similar to standard buckshot can all but entirely decapitate a person with a point blank shot to the head, completely and utterly gutting and eviscerating the inside of a human skull, thereby turning the entire accumulated contents of blood, viscera, and brain matter of said persons head, totally inside out, and usually on to any surfaces nearby... Obviously there would be no getting away from this, because a headshot is where you would ideally, no, sensibly want to shoot for a firearm suicide, for the quickest and most effective results possible.

  (Stop!)

  My secondary choice would be Jumping from Height.

  Pros: It's quick. No cost. No real need to set up. Finding somewhere to use easily doable, especially in a city. Can be painless if done right.

  Cons: Not much good if you have any kind of vertigo at all. Lethality and risk of failure, both moderate to high. Increased chances of paralysis, or other serious injuries instead of death. Mess, moderate or high usually dependant on height.

  This method is self explanatory. Find a high point and jump off it, in reality the higher the better, unless you have a of fear of heights... then you should probably give this method a miss. However, and if you are not a wuss, you may want to think on the differences before choosing between falling towards, say, asphalt or water though first, for example, jumping off a bridge into the ocean may seem like a good idea at the time, but one would most likely need to fall much higher, and at a greater velocity into water than something obvious and straightforward such as concrete to cause a truly mortal injury.

  Whatever you choose to land on, regardless, it would probably be a good idea to really consider trajectory before falling, for instance, it wouldn't be a good idea to jump feet first, unless you want to do nothing more than greatly risk either shattering both of your legs, and or your spine, and then continue living the rest of your days as a paraplegic, who won't of course be making any more attempts at jumping from anything anytime soon...

  As for myself, I would probably try to go head first, or by attempting to lie as flat as possible on my front or back on the way down, then, either carefully watching out for and trying to avoid any innocent bystanders or gathering crowds, that are taking the time out of their useless lives to watch me kill myself, or depending on how I actually feel at the time, aiming for all those so-called "innocent" bystanders on the way down instead.

  (...Stop this!)

  My third choice would probably be A Train or Shuttle.

  Pros: No cost. No setting up. High lethality. Quick and painless if done right.

  Cons: Would probably be terrifying. Highly messy. Risk of failure dependant on person, methods used, and location.

  The best way to do this would probably be to lie down horizontally across the tracks, and then position ones own neck across one of the two parallel railway lines, and hope for a quick decapitation from a fast-moving train, obviously, the faster the train the better... although, this may not be the most viable option with a Maglev shuttle, due to the whole "hovering" over the ground thing. Still, instead you could just wait, standing vertically on the tracks, either facing it, or with your back to the oncoming whatever and hope the speed and mass of the object causes enough trauma to yourself to quickly do the job.

  (No, please! No more!)

  My forth choice would be Hanging.

  Pros: Low cost. Quick and easy to set up. Low noise. Possible chance of a quick broken neck.

  Cons: Could be painful unless blacking out. Lethality and chance of failure dependant on method used. Hard to cease during act if having second thoughts. Asphyxiation is not a fun way to go.

  The best method to do this would probably be to try to drop hard enough, and from a far enough height to break as many vertebrae in your neck as possible to to avoid death by asphyxiation. If that doesn't work, however, an uncomfortable slow death due to choking may be unavoidable with this method.

  (STOP!!!)

  Fifth choice Blade.

  Pros: Easily available. Successs or failure is person dependant. Low cost.

  Cons: Again, individual responsible for both lethality and failure. Possibly traumatic. Probably uncomfortable. Low to moderate mess.

  Now call me a cynic, but personally, I prefer a blade with a double-bevelled edge and a decent grade of steel, high carbon, in at least 1095 or something similar, much more preferable than say, typical 420 cutlery grade steel, either that, or something like Japanese chef's knives which would be ideal due to the sharpness, but, in reality
, this may be a little excessive due to the cost... and after all, as long as you do it properly, it's only going to be used once, right? ...so on second thoughts, you're more than likely better off going and using the sharpest thing in the cupboard.

  However, if you feel sure about choosing this way, first the number one rule is to make sure the blade is sharp, if not sharpen. Then, make yourself comfortable... now, before cutting you should always keep the thought "Down, not across" in mind when choosing the right vein, which should usually be in the wrist, for convenience sake.