When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  Then, when the vein is chosen, start cutting right in the middle by beginning to apply enough downwards force to break the skin with the top quarter part of the blade, making sure all the time to always be applying enough pressure before dragging the knife... Not just slashing and slicing around haphazardly, and all willy-nilly! also, I've heard a very good idea would be to take a warm bath while doing it, as it tends to get the blood flowing...

  Lastly...

  (You willingly seek to separate yourself from all living things... this is why you will die.)

  SIXTY

  Chapter 6

  When I was younger, I would always speculate on which theory on morality was more... detrimental to society as a whole, could it be moral relativity? along with all the apparent freedoms it brings? yet with it, so many other negatives, or instead, is it a kind of "moral absolutism" that is the pernicious culprit? due to the fact it seemingly has a natural tendency to go right alongside, if not directly hand-in-hand with false religious beliefs and the like, however, in truth, I realised that my original perceptions on this did not even matter yet, not without first taking a much closer look at this "morality" itself.

  As I got older, and indeed wiser, I could see that as far as the so-called "human condition" goes, the truth is that only ONE of these theoried positions definitively exists around us, and has constant, continuous, and inherent effect on society in some form or another.

  It is true while some see morality as an integral value established since birth by some kind of unseen "spirituality" or some kind of implicit nature that shows the "goodness of mankind" the fact is that one could not be further from the truth. No one is actually born with an "inherent moral discernment." Morality is, in fact, caused by a typical unconscious action/reaction style of learning, which is gained over time by the child simply being told, or by observing the actions of others, and then measuring the results of those actions as they turn into more noticeably distinctive outcomes. This plays into the risk-reward style of thinking we come to see later in the child's development stage, which will of course come to fruition through puberty and then on into maturity throughout adulthood.

  ... related and to a lesser extent, other social constructs. Morality is not some kind of pseudo-spiritual attribute that is an already present "gift from a higher power" once again it is NOT intrinsic, or something that is already inherent in man, but rather inherited FROM man and learned from ones peers and relatives. For instance, if a child is raised around people who are cannibals, and BY actual cannibals, then isn't it obvious to think that this child in question will sooner or later gain a appetite for human flesh?

  It is also true in reverse, for instance, if a child is raised in a loving and caring environment, then isn't he or she much more likely to gain a strong moral compass of so-called right and wrong? ...Of course, there are many other variables at play, as well, but it would be safe to say that morality like nearly everything else in life is set firmly in a grey area, instead of some vaunted chalk-scrawled zone of "black and white" as was previously evangelised by the uninformed and uneducated.

  On a whole, I think I have been proven right in my theories on morality over these first few chapters. Now, in the next several chapters of this book, I will be looking much closer at the concept of altruism...

  SIXTY ONE

  You can neither prove or disprove the existence of free will!

  I now have a theory that there is no such thing as free will! Of course, I can't actually prove it... or disprove to be honest, as I said, but IF I'm right! then that means there may only be predetermined actions, and trying to stray from them is impossible! because it has simply already been decided!

  For instance, you see two roads, or paths to walk down, you must choose one, because there is nowhere else to go. So, of the right and left paths, for arguments sake, say you choose the left, but... what if you were always going to go left? can you only ever take the left and never go to the right? how could you tell? and if so... how would you really know?

  The same goes for the right path. I mean, you could try and think about it and do something where you choose the opposite one you originally though of, but say you ultimately decide not to.... or you do... either way, you do it... if only to test your own free will, but again, regardless, you eventually choose one... now, obviously, you have just decided to walk down a path anyway!

  Either way, both simultaneously nullifying the choice, and proving nothing but your own illusion of freedom of choice! also, anything besides converging on this planed event as the result of this so-called "freedom of choice" would probably be so impossible, that it could literally mean that any divergence would end all reality, instantaneously, when exorcised!

  ...That's IF everything is seemingly predetermined, that is!

  SIXTY TWO

  "Amanda...."

  (You see...)

  "I constantly have this burning feeling in the pit of my stomach, not a day... No, rarely a minute goes by when I don't think of you."

  "Sometimes... sometimes, I dream that we are one again, like that amazing night we had together, and afterwards, in the morning everything is wonderful because this time you don't immediately leave again... This is what I want more than anything else in the entire world."

  "Other times, I'm choking you, watching you fight to breath... The struggle finally starting to end, as I break the capillaries in your neck as they become blood red as your veins start to pulse, I notice the fear and terror in your bulging eyes as they both begin to roll back into their sockets, then, as your strength finally fades, and you weakly cease clawing at me with bleeding fingernails. I see that you keep trying to say something to me... but I can't make out what it is you are trying to say, past the silent mouthing, and the terrified, mortified, look of death and horror on your now even more pale face."

  "Finally... it doesn't matter anymore, because that look becomes static as I feel your pulse stop, and you breath your last breath, the tears finally cease streaming down your face. Now you're frozen in time, mine... Forever."

  (... your mother in her.)

  SIXTY THREE

  Note to self: Encouragement for my art/creating; 'Genius doesn't come without some horrendous emotional baggage'

  The tale of Mr Stupid-Head:

  By Jack *coffee stain*

  "... What you mean WHY?! why YOU ask such silly question to Mr Stupid-Head?!" Mr Stupid-Head asks me, while wearing his stupidly expensive suit, with a stupefied expression across his stupid-fucking-face. I don't respond to his question... I'm too busy crying inside, and so he stares at me for a time, effervescently wondering and intermittently confused for a little while longer... "Wait! I know!" he says once again, probably still due to going without any mnemonic aid, and seemingly being cursed to be forever forgetting the previous ten seconds of our meeting. Finally, as a lightning strike seemingly hits him right between the eyes, I hold my breath for his answer as he very slowly begins grinning, but in my mind I ask myself, will he continue answering my repeatingly inconclusive, yet still ungotten questions once again, with nothing but unknowing relish in his voice? will his mind only ever know absolute ignorance? is his brain forever cursed to be a vacant-dichotomistic borderline between both sense and logic? After what seemed like a small eternity he answers. "...For more money of course! so I can have even more sex!" this answer seems familiar, probably because I have heard it already, many, many times before, I am slightly annoyed, I should be, we're going round and round in circles, and you only keep going round in circles when you have nowhere else to go! and we've been at this for over FOUR HOURS ALREADY! I scratch the back of my head as I proceed to ask my questions again, with a tired, yet annoyed tone to my voice.

  "But WHY? Mr Stupid-Face?! you're already worth over sixty-five quadrillion! how much does sex cost you anyway?! why is it you want even MORE money when you have enough to last you, well, practically forever?! What the hell do you even need more for?!" Mr Stupid-Shit is completely dumbfound
ed to my obviously, rhetorically-laced questions, as he STILL can't seem to grasp the greater meaning of things. He puts his finger on his lip, and silently looks skyward for a few seconds, "...oh, I know! I know!" he says as his permanently-crossed eyes light up, as he looks at me with wondrous splendour, perpendicular lasers firing from each of them, and then he speaks, yes, speaks, in his simultaneously low-grumbling, stupid, and yet somehow incredibly annoying grating voice. "I know! I know why! so Mr Stupid-Head can have MORE sex with even MORE vapid whores before he die! Then afterwards, he make even more money! for even MORE whore-sex!" I palm my face and look to the floor as I shake my head in complete and utter failed disappointment, as I finally resign myself to the stupid nature of things... "Oh, Mr Stupid-Head!" I say lamenting my new understanding of his utter stupidity. I smile sadly, softly shaking my head while still face-palming, as I continue speaking in all my broken despair "... well, at least you're happy. Oh, what an immensely fulfilling life you must lead!"

  Fin,

  SIXTY FOUR

  ( I'm inside... everything is, as I watch and wait diligently...)

  "Today I was thinking. You know what I hate? all you people and your pathetic "relationships" they kill me! They really, really do... For instance, how can Totally "normal" Fame obsessed, Image obsessed, Material obsessed, Selfie-taking, Vain, Narcissistic, Sociopathic, pathological lying sadist overachieving try-hards! Phonies, who are a bunch of fake-fucking-excuses for Human beings if I ever saw them! People who are so deluded, that they can't even tell what the truth is anymore! Let alone point it out when they see it! Those that strive to be so vapid and shallow inside, that they are now and forever lying to themselves about everything. And all because it's the only way that they can even "live" no, exist in all their vacant and shallow emptiness! Never-fucking-mind live with someone else! ...others like them! together in their little nests of lies! And they do it over and over again! just to convince themselves that they are "content" or "happy" with their miserable and empty lives. Simply because they're far too weak to live any other way! sound familiar?!"

  (...Life is a test, you are failing.)

  "So you're trying to tell me, that the "ROMANTIC" and "PASSIONATE" relationships that these creatures have with each other include "love?!" Actual-tangible-fucking Love?!? That these only shallow and loveless kinds of people are actually capable of loving each other?! You think their actually capable of everlasting love between one another? ...Unconditional love... do you? really?! ...Have you seen them?! ...Have you actually fucking LISTENED to them when they talk?! Ha! Right! Sure... sure they can! Oh, look! Satan is outside, and he's ice skating to fucking work!"

  "And you know something? at least hate is more productive... and it gets you out there, doing things! bad things, sure."

  "...What the fucking hell does love even produce?!"

  "Ok then, so can you PLEASE tell me, how can someone like that, "people" like that, who are so empty and soulless inside, how can they feel any kind of "positive" emotions towards anyone, whatsoever? Oh, and I mean, besides all the base ones, such as the lust they're always confusing this so-called "love" for... Yeah ...exactly! ...So for love to actually exist between any of these empty cretins?! Please... don't make me fucking-laugh-til-I-fucking-puke!"

  "...I spit on your so-called "love"!!!"

  (This is how you feel?)

  "...I do."

  (Really?)

  "I do what I say, and I say what I think I feel!"

  (Are you sure?)

  "...and I do what I want!"

  (and what is it that you want?)

  "......I want to be by myself."

  (DEATH)

  SIXTY FIVE

  "It's starting to get colder..."

  "... am I going to die? I can't stop thinking about death..."

  "One of the worst things about death is knowing how people will try and remember you, for me it would be something like "He was really quiet, wasn't he?" or "Oh well, maybe he wasn't so bad in the end..." Fuck you... fuck all of you for assuming you know when you don't, fuck all your typical grade-A lying bullshit, and fuck you people for trying to con yourselves into making yourselves feel better at funerals... What if I don't want to be remembered? especially by the likes of you. You ever think of that?!"

  ...I've been wondering lately, can one go mad just by thinking? I mean, can a person literally "think" themselves insane?

  I used to think that I could never truly go crazy, I'd think to myself "Why, that's for the little people when they lose their rigid thinking!" ...now I'm not so sure.

  ...I realised something recently, that any search for the truth will inevitably lead to more questions, and in turn, yet more unhappiness...

  I'm starting to think that a significant number of people lying in the street have in one way or another realised some great truth or other that they simply couldn't handle...

  I used to have moments where I'd think to myself "I'd rather be depressed and insane, than just another deluded asshole that goes through life lying to himself as yet another miserable manifestation of a totally pointless existence!" but in truth... I, I can't even think straight anymore... moments of relative clarity like this one are few and far between now, usually time completely merges together...

  Minutes pass like seconds, days seem like hours, then finally, weeks turn to.... months.

  All I want to do is to be able to think straight and be myself again...

  SIXTY SIX

  (Circles, circles, round and round!)

  ... but then if you don't actually exist, then you obviously can't exist to experience the state of not existing... and because of that, you don't actually know that you're not existing to not exist... so it's not like blackness for all eternity or anything, because that's experiencing something, and your not there to experience it... because you don't actually exist anymore... obviously, but then if you don't exist, then you...

  "Hi! I'm the sad, pathetic loner in high school that you all hated... Well fuck you too!"

  "... I've missed more than a few appointments with my rapist, it was on the other side of the city, I used to drive..."

  "I rarely drive anywhere anymore, but when I am driving, sometimes I have this incredible urge to switch off the car's auto-drive system and sharply turn the wheel about 90 degrees, barrelling down the sidewalk and plowing down scores and scores of so-called "innocent" pedestrians, instantly turning what many thought was going to be a simple, peaceful family outing, into a crazed bloodbath orgy of mayhem and chaos! a veritable spectacle of ultra-violence! followed closely by shindig in a slaughterhouse style festivities of full-blown human carnage, death and destruction!"

  "...All the while manically laughing to myself from behind the wheel, I feel this urge even more so when I see happy couples, and of course, the dreaded cyclists!"

  "Hi! my name is Jack! I'm clinically depressed! I have various personality disorders and I hate the entire human race! I also own my own vehicle! I just thought I'd throw that out there! ...See you on the street somewhere!"

  "Happy shopping!"

  SIXTY SEVEN

  "Happiness? A-penis?! happiness is a penis! ahahaha!... what is happiness?! bah! happiness is overrated anyway! do you know what's better?! Enjoyment! ...do you know why? well, because unlike happiness, why, you can get enjoyment out of pretty much anything! See, even a complete 'tard can get pure unadulterated enjoyment out of something so simple as playing with somebodies car keys all day long!"

  "People can get enjoyment out of just about anything! like watching porn in a group setting... ew, or even playing with themselves! I know I do! Hell, some people can get enjoyment out of pain! ...sure! ...why? Who knows! it doesn't make them happy though! ...why? because happiness is like a hooker or a heroin habit... or even a little-pet-furry bunny rabbit! Aww! just don't repeatedly stomp on it over-and-over again, killing it by cracking its tiny fragile little skull and completely destroying the brains inside... Oh, and don't let it die of starvation. See,
you have to keep feeding it something... Like lies."

  "What's the definition of happiness?"

  (You don't know, and you never will!)

  "P-People are all complete drooling-fucking-idiots anyway! and so easily manipulated! you can exploit their "good nature" even if you're a complete fucking asshole to everyone all the time! see, first make sure that the people you want to use, like you... a lot, preferably even love you! and now as long as you do that, then you should be set! why? 'cause, apparently, most people are incapable of loving and hating the same person at the same time! let alone holding any other conflicting, or even non-conflicting opinions simultaneously! again, why? ..simple, because most people are far too fucking stupid to have more than a single feeling for the same person concurrently!"