When It's Cold I'd Like to Die
Page 24
"You know what that means then, don't you? it means you can kill as many newborn babies as you want, simply do it while smiling! just say it's for a good cause! like the world is overpopulated or something.... or make people love you first, then fucking do it! after all, they're still going to die by your hand, so the outcomes the same. They like that though..."
(They are...)
"See, even if you're completely fucking evil and rotten on the inside... just get people to "love" you, this way, you can scheme your way through life, and have as many friends or lovers as you desire! ...take whatever you want! and do whatever you want! ..oh, but it wont make you happy though... Still, do whatever you wish, and be as bad as you want to be, because if you've got them by the heart first, then no matter what, they'll still love you regardless! Besides, why worry about hurting other people, when they're all absolute cunts anyway?!"
(... destined for the blackness.)
"Fucking simple idiots all of them! ...It's too late for me, though, I don't even care anymore... I've run out of things to hate, and I now believe that you can't ever truly love someone, unless you've felt like... or actually FELT what it's like to choke them to fucking death!
.....Still, like I said... Idiots!"
SIXTY EIGHT
(Do you ever wonder what others may think of you?)
"No, ...because, that... that's the way cowards and people with no self-worth choose to live! besides, ...it doesn't matter 'cause they're all worthless assholes anyway! ...Come to think of it, opinions are also like assholes... everybody's got one, but I only care about mine! haha!.... Bah! no... NO! I don't care!... for I am a higher being now! all their useless opinions are as nothing to me! ....I am what matters! ME!"
(How can one hope to define their own self-image, when you do not even know what it looks like? along with the faces of those that indeed give it to you?)
"....."
(He's right, isn't he? ...I didn't really understand, but he's probably right!)
"You're trying to tell me that... I'm.. afraid how others see me... and so... I don't want to be seen at all... is that it?"
"If so... who cares?! besides, I'm not fucking retarded! so I already know that you can't trust people... you can't trust anybody! EVER!"
(Until you can truly and absolutely place your trust in everyone, you can not trust them at all? What you wish can not happen, this concept is paradoxical.)
"Pft! if you're so FUCKING smart! then please tell me! what's worse? unknowingly being used? or allowing one's self to be used?!"
(What is worse is consciously choosing to run away indefinitely to allow neither.)
"Does it even matter about being alone, when all there are is awful cunts everywhere?! does it really?!! REALLY?!!!"
(This question you can only answer yourself.)
"...B-But! people are all the same... They talk about "principals" but then... then most of them will just turn around, and then sell themselves or their own mothers for pennies or something! They all try to act so "civilized" but when it come down to it.. they'll cannibalise each other if need be... and that goes for the children too! Complete FUCKING hypocrites and liars, every-single-one of them! ...and they lie about everything when it suits them, and then when the time comes and they can't even face up to things... then they just lie about that! So it IS better to be alone than yet another liar-fucking-whore-fucker!! I HATE THEM!!!"
(Only you have forever told the truth? Your unrelenting hypocrisy continues to be astounding...)
"Then say no man is an island! Fuck you! Fine! I am a peninsula!"
(You continue to delineate a type of nullifiable-hypothesis to falsely state that you "hate" all people. However in truth, what you really hate is ignorance, which is in abundance.)
"I... What?! Why?! How?! ...should I stop hating? How?! Why?! What?!"
"...I, I can't! I-I'm not strong enough... I hate everything! I hate everyone!!"
(You only hate yourself. You only hate your own weaknesses, and yet, you constantly recognise these same weaknesses in others... so then you choose to either ridicule, or condemn them... until finally, and when you've had enough of doing so, the only thing left is to run away. Likewise, as with everyone, as they too decide to ignore their own weaknesses, defects and imperfections, and so, instead of confronting them in a rational manner, they simply choose to continue to judge one another... and to hate each other... as they repeat the same cycles over and over again as this particular spiral turns ever on...)
(...Until one day, and after finally running out of excuses to hate everything, suddenly, no one can face the facts about themselves or others any longer, or indeed anything else for that matter, and so everybody is forever running.)
"... RUN-NING?!!"
(You all live in a house of lies.)
"You either master your thoughts and emotions, or your emotions and thoughts master you... I AM NOT THE MASTER AND KEEPER OF MY OWN THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS!!!"
(The form of the mind MAKES the form of the man!)
"......WHY?!? WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY AM I STILL ROTTING AWAY IN THIS FUCKING PRISON CELL?!?!"
(Shh, quiet! it's ok!)
(Why? because you thought you were keeping the world out, instead you only succeeded in locking yourself in.)
"......Hahahahahaha! GOOD!! FUNNY!!!"
(Life is a prison, yes, but just as there is no light without shadow, or good without evil, there can be no freedom without restraints and confinement.)
"... C-Can't do anything. Can't go anywhere... N-Nice things never happen to me!"
(That is only because you don't allow them to.)
"AAAAHHHHH!!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY LONGER!!!"
(... and you don't need to, as you said once before, this is your penance, as constructed and decided wholly by yourself.)
"... in my mind I can be myself but now I wish to be someone else, in my mind I can be myself but now I wish to be someone else, in my mind I can be myself but now I wish to be someone else, in my mind I can be myself but now I wish to be someone else, in my mind I can be myself but now I wish to be someone else, in my mind I can be myself but now I wish to be someone else..."
(You continue to openly complain and wallow in abject misery consternated of your own creation, why? Especially when you can simply choose to stop at any time or point that you desire? obviously, you do not know, so I will tell you, it is simply because you adore it.)
"... IN MY MIND I WANT TO BE MYSELF, BUT NOW I WISH TO BE SOMEONE ELSE!!! ......GOD FUCKING HELP ME!!!!!!"
(How much longer will you continue to contradict yourself? It is as it should be.)
SIXTY NINE
....I know I can't go to hell, because I'm already there.
(SEEK THE FLAMES AND YOU'LL BURN!!!)
I, I feel like my mind is s-starting to atrophy away... I feel it!
(Nothing has come to pass that you have not willed.)
(Don't listen! Run away!!!)
...Everything is upside down.
In my life, I always tried to do the right thing... but it's so hard when most of the time you don't even know what that is, I-I don't know what's worse, finally figuring out that everybody in life may not automatically hate me... or being so far past the point of no return that it no longer even matters...
The only thing I ever wanted was to live a peaceful enjoyable and happy life... but that's not possible, is it?
All I do is look around, and all I see is the places that I'll never get to go... the things I'll never get to do... the people I...
I don't even know where I went wrong, I don't know how I turned into this deranged, broken mess.
In the end I'm just another failed son, failed child, failed friend, failed trader, failed writer, failed artist... and yet another failed human being. It doesn't matter, I'll probably be...
(What if everything you are is a lie?)
SEVENTY
"Today I most day write poetry. Quiet my mind."
...I like to
lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass. I like to lie in the grass and stick things into my ass...
"Good. Now it needs a name..."
SEVENTY ONE
"When it's... I didn't! QUIET!... ew! What? It, it's not! I swear to you! M, Maybe to be... It's n-not like! ..smells terrible... Ah, the devil? why does he climb ladders? ......DEAD DOG!!! No! Ignore... Didn't see!"
*Knock knock*
"..but she said? I don't! I-It's not like I failed... Steady! woah-there! ...G-Got this itching!"
*Knock knock knock*
"Where?! Over there? flew out... I can find again, could... if it shouts longer, harder. Would need to hand an extra pair though! Eyes and ears too! Heh, heh...
*Knock knock knock knock*
"... g, get under the skin, m-mind is like an onion... maybe with a F, FLAT-HEAD?!? the m,more you peel away at it! start scratching and s, scraping... ahh! the uh, bone? worse the c,crying gets! t-turn off r,respawn! n,never make the same mistake twice... it's n-not nice! Sad world, s,sick people, g-going home...
"Jack? Jack, I know you're in there!"
*Knock knock knock knock knock*
"Burb, ack! *sniff* nothing! I, I what?"
*Knock knock knock knock knock knock*
"JACK?!"
"A, Amanda? I feel... tired, foggy, let me sleep, dream, I don't care anymore. Leave me... wait, could she... *cough* she's at the door?"
"Jack! I'm not going away until I've spoken to you!"
*Knock knock kno..*
*Door opens slowly*
"... Jack?"
"Amanda... what is it? what time is it?"
"Are you alright?! Jack I've been banging and shouting for ages!"
"I'm.... gee, yeah, ok. Well why don't you just come right on in, then?"
*Door closes*
"Jack! where have you been! it's been too long. I thought you'd have called by now. I was worried... I didn't know if you were ok. I missed you..."
"Missed me? are you kidding?! you're the one who told me to leave last time! Besides, this is probably you're loneliness talking..."
"I know, but I've had time to think... time to really think, you know? about my life, my future... what it would be like with "him" Jack, I remember what you last said to me. How could I forget? do you still..."
"Listen, Amanda."
"Yes, Jack?"
"I just... don't know if it could work, it's like, well I was thinking too, y'know? about what you told me... about what you said and, well, you were right..."
"What do you mean?"
*Jack sits down on the sofa*
"What do you want me to say? you were right Amanda. I'm not normal, not at all..."
"Jack, you're..."
"No, listen. I, I have all these problems, I'm completely asocial, delusional, paranoid. I'm always fucking misrable, I spend half my time fantasising, and the other half going over, and over and over all the regrets and failures that I've had in my life so far, constantly trying, and wishing that I could change them all to no avail."
"Then there are all these... other things going on inside my head at the moment, that I can't control, and on top of it, I've started hear... well, I feel that there are "things" going on in there... things that aren't controlled by me any longer. Moments, thoughts..."
"Thoughts, what thoughts?"
*Amanda kneels down in front of Jack*
"No, Jack... just forget about all that, I don't care about any of it anymore! Jack listen to me, you're you! yourself! and in the end that's all that matters."
*Jack passionately kisses Amanda... she let's him*
SEVENTY TWO
"Wow! Jack... that was Amazing!"
"I'll say..."
"Jack? you want to go again?"
"Not right now Amanda, I mean baby. You can come over here though, in fact... Get over here!"
"Hehe, mmm!"
"So, Amanda, you think it was better than last time?"
*She smiles and nods*
"So Jack, what were you planning on doing today, anyhow?"
"You."
*Amanda playfully hits jack in the shoulder*
"Don't get me wrong Amanda, I'm glad you came but why did you call in the first place? what did you want?"
"...This."
*Amanda leans forward kisses Jack and smiles softly*
"Mandy, I look into your beautiful blue eyes, and do you know what I start to think?"
"It better not be something dirty Jack! wait, no, on second thoughts... it better be!"
"Amanda you are so heartbreakingly beautiful to me, inside and out. I'm so lucky to ha..."
"Sssh! yes, yes you are, remember that!"
"Amanda, you may be beautiful, but do you know what your not?"
"What?"
"... Modest!"
"What?! so it's going to be like that from now on, huh? IS IT?!"
*Amanda climbs on top of Jack*
"You think you're funny mister?! you think you so funny?! well, I'll tell you what your not! Tough! put em' up! I bet you can't take me in a fight can you! you sissy!"
"Oh, we'll see..."
SEVENTY THREE
"zzz, Wha? hot... but still cold... go back soon, why the park? I, I don't. If he finds out..."
(This is how you want to spend the rest of your short and miserable life? being the "tragic hero" in your own pathetic, self-absorbed little story?)