Diary of a Wanted Woman

by Donnee Patrese

  When you love someone you should let them go especially when you have the capacity to hurt them and cause them pain.

  Loving them is letting them find their happiness when you know that it cannot be found with you.

  What happens when that person you finally let go comes back willing to take on your shit tenfold?

  Do you consider it fate?

  Do you call it bad luck…for them?

  I hold onto him and he pushes me away. The moment I got the nerve, swallowed my pride and my selfishness, he comes back demanding that I get back to that place where he was the center of my world.

  I guess I am just as stuck to him as he is to me. No other woman is enough and he can’t deal unless he is with me.

  That should make me happy but I haven’t changed. I am still the same woman. I still am very capable of causing him great pain. Then again, no matter what I do he is in pain especially if I am not with him.

  The only thing that could make him happy is if he has me. I still try to resist. Yet he stares at me and demands that he gets the opportunity to love me. I don’t think I can resist those sparkling blue eyes…

  -H

  Chapter Sixteen

  It was a Saturday afternoon and I was having lunch with Stacey at her house. She decided to make some hamburgers and french fries and I couldn’t turn them down. However, once they were sitting in front of me I discovered that I didn’t have much of an appetite.

  While I sat there and played with my food she spent most of her time on the phone trying to calm down a distressed client of ours who was freaking out about kitchen tile.

  I was sitting there making faces at her trying to get her to laugh with “Mrs. Congeniality” on the phone when I heard her front door open and close.

  I assumed it was John but was highly shocked and surprised when David walked into the kitchen. He stopped when he saw me and glared at me for a second. Stacey barely noticed as she went back and forth with our client on the phone.

  I didn’t want to see him look at me like that anymore so I just dropped my head and stared at the food on my plate. He didn’t say a word. He just walked over to the stove and began to make himself three burgers and pile a mountain of fries on top. He walks over and sits in the stool farthest from me.

  Stacey finally hangs up the phone and looks at me.

  “There is just no reasoning with that woman. She wants to meet me at her house.”

  “When?” I asked trying to ignore how uncomfortable I felt with David in the room.

  “Now! She wants to meet right now.”

  She grabbed her purse.

  “You guys stay,” she said kissing her brother on the cheek.

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” she said storming out before we had a chance to protest or say anything to her.

  It was not like I could leave. Stacey was my ride.

  So there I was alone with David and I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to just leave but I couldn’t. Deep down, a part of me was happy to see him.

  He ate and I just sat staring at my plate and my cell phone.

  Finally he spoke to me.

  “So, how’s it going?”

  I slowly looked up at him.

  “I’m fine,” I said staring at my phone like there was something important on the screen.

  There was more silence and I saw him move to place his empty plate in the sink. I wanted to laugh. He knew how to destroy food.

  He walked over and sat on the stool right next to me. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He placed them on the table and slid them next to me.

  I looked at them confused. He could see the puzzled look on my face.

  “What is this?” I asked looking him in the eye for the first time since he arrived.

  “They are keys,” he said chuckling.

  “I know they are keys David. I want to know what the keys are for?”

  “Well Stacey told me you have been having lots of trouble with your car and you were thinking about renting one for a while. Well, I have a few cars that I barely drive so I figured you could use mine until you get a new one or get that one fixed.”

  I looked down at the keys and back up at him. He noticed my hesitation and he sighed.

  “Look, I know I haven’t talked to you lately and I have been rather distant, but I still care about you and want you to be okay. I’ve known you too long to just not care about you no matter how angry I am.”

  I was floored. He was giving me keys to his car. The last interaction I had with him was a text telling me to stop calling him and to stay the hell away. Now he was giving me keys to his car?

  It touched me deeply. He still cared about me. I felt emotions for him rise to the top and choke me. I knew at that moment that I cared more for him than I have ever cared about anyone ever in life. He was the sweetest and most generous person I have ever met.

  However, the revelation only made things worse for me. I knew that I could never have him the way that I wanted, the way he had wanted at one point and that made me angry. I was angry at myself and realized that I was better off knowing he hated me than that he still cared.

  It’s always natural for me to sabotage a good thing and today was no different. I just had to let the bitch in me seep out.

  “Does your girlfriend know you’re loaning me a car?

  He folded his arms across his chest.

  “No, and it doesn’t matter. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.”

  He turned completely to face me and the look on his face said it all. He was still very much angry at me.

  “What is your problem Hannah? I come over here because my sister wanted us to make up. I come over and I try. I try to be nice to you and like always you are just nasty for no reason. I’m trying to be a friend here.”

  I looked into his blue eyes and I just felt like such an awful person.

  “David, I’m sorry. Thank you but I can’t accept these,” I said placing the keys back on the counter.

  He stood from the stool and looked over at me.

  “Why can’t you accept a gift from a friend?”

  “David, I just can’t.”

  I think it made him very angry. He stood from the stool and started to pace.

  “Are you afraid your boyfriend wouldn’t approve?”

  Actually Keith would not approve but that wasn’t the reason.

  I folded my arms across my chest.

  “David, I don’t want to make you angry but I just don’t want you giving me things. You know I have never liked that.”

  “Babe, why can’t you let me do this for you? Do you turn down Keith’s gifts?”

  I felt like he was fishing for information and that he was jealous. I could see it. I was the same way with him and Kim. I didn’t want him to know that the only thing I accepted from Keith was the diamond collar. I really didn’t have any choice in the matter.

  “Hannah, I don’t understand why you are still with him.”

  I sighed.

  “David, I love him.”

  He turned and looked at me. I could see disbelief and pain in his eyes.

  “Do you know how long I waited for you to say those words? I just thought they would be for me.”

  He stopped pacing and looked at me.

  “What does he have that I don’t? What makes you love him and not me?”

  The problem is I do love David. I have loved him for a long time now, but I was so afraid to act on it. I didn’t answer him. I just couldn’t answer him.

  He sighed.

  “I miss you Hannah. I really do. I tried to get over you. I tried to move and on and not think about you but that has been impossible for me. I am miserable without you.”

  I was blindsided by his words. I assumed he was happy with Kim and was over me.

  “David, what about Kim?”

  He sighed and rubbed his hands over his eyes.

  “I broke up with Kim.”

  I was shocked.


  “Why?”

  He glared at me.

  “You know why. You know that I love you.”

  He came to sit down next to me again.

  “I just want to know what he has that I don’t. What makes you want to be with him and not me?”

  I wanted to be frank with him so he could see where I was coming from.

  “He lets me sleep with other people.”

  His eyes were huge as he stared at me. I looked away from him.

  “Really? Is that what you really want? A man that is willing to loan you out to people?”

  I looked at him.

  “He doesn’t loan me out!”

  “Umm, yes. Yes he does if he is letting you sleep around.”

  I ran my hands through my hair.

  “David you see me a certain way. You see me as this amazing woman that can be with you and have little kids with you and live in a white picket fence for the rest of our lives. I am not that woman. I am not the perfection that you are looking for!”

  “You think I want you to be perfect? Hannah, I love you just the way you are.”

  “David you don’t know me.”

  “That’s because you won’t let me know you Hannah!”

  He grabbed me by the shoulders and brought me to him.

  “I tried to you get you to talk to me to let me in but you refuse and now it’s my fault because I don’t know you? Why won’t you let me in?”

  I took his hands from my shoulders and stood. I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. I just needed a little space. I didn’t want David to know how damaged I was. I have hid it from him for so long and I was afraid he would not look at me the same if he knew all the gory details.

  What if I let him in and he was disappointed with what he saw. I could not bear it. It was just easier for me to let him go.

  He followed me into the living room.”

  “Hannah, answer me!”

  “Because I’m scared!”

  Sobs consumed me and I could not stop crying. I buried my head in my hands and cried. It was too much for me. I loved them both and yet I didn’t know what to do.

  He collected me in his arms and just held me. He smelled so good and I felt so secure there. He hadn’t held me in a while and I missed him being this close.

  “Hannah, baby. What are you afraid of? I would never hurt you.”

  “I’m afraid that if you knew me, the real me you wouldn’t like what you see.” I said between sobs.

  “Hannah, tell me.”

  “David I love you but I am afraid that I am too damaged to deserve your love back.”

  He didn’t say anything. He just held me.

  “David?”

  He sighed.

  “Hannah, you and I have been friends for over ten years. I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly. I have not left and I am not going anywhere. You say I want perfection. That could not be farther from the truth.”

  He let me go and encouraged me to look into his eyes.

  “Stacey told me a long time ago about your parents and what you went through as a child. I know your stepfather molested and abused you. I know everything. Is that what you are hiding from me?”

  I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. David knew all along. I started to shake and I could not control myself.

  “Hannah, I knew and I loved you anyway. I love you, the amazing woman I have known this whole time. I can love you better than Keith.”

  He came close again, this time with his face only inches from mine.

  “I can’t sleep at night knowing that you’re probably in his bed. The thought kills me. I want you in my bed babe. I want you with me.”

  He kissed me soft and gently. His hand came up to my face and he caressed me.

  “Let me love you Hannah,” he whispered echoing the words he has said so many times before.

  I wanted him to. I wanted him to love me. I grabbed him and pulled him back to me. We kissed again deeply and passionately. His lips moved from my lips and trailed down my body.

  “David we can’t do this here,” I said pushing him off me.

  He smiled.

  He stood and reached his hand out to me. I took it and he led me out of the living room and to the basement door. We went down into Stacey’s finished basement into her guest bedroom.

  We stood face to face.

  “Do you want me to do the honors?” he said.

  I nodded.

  He began to slowly undress me. He leaned down and took a breast into his mouth once he released me from the straps.

  “Oh…,”

  “Get on the bed baby.”

  I climbed on the bed and watched him take off all his clothes.

  He watched me as he stripped down to nothing but a smile. He climbed on the bed and placed his body between my legs. His hands found my soft and smooth breasts. His mouth was warm as it enclosed an erect nipple. I moaned in response as his tongue made circles around it.

  My hands traveled over his body and suddenly he sat up.

  “Baby, I just can’t get enough of you. I want you all the time. I want you all to myself.”

  He moved down and parted my legs with his hands.

  With a smile, he licked his lips. He buried his face between my legs and the first sensation of clit tongue contact was a wave of pleasure that flowed through my body.

  “Oh baby you are driving me crazy!” I moaned.

  He sat up.

  “That’s the plan,” he responded continuing to drive me mad.

  I could not take it anymore. I wanted him inside of me.

  “Please, fuck me okay?”

  He sat up with his mouth covered in my juices. He pulled himself over me and kissed me on the mouth. I could taste myself all over him. His mouth trailed down my neck and back to my breasts where he sucked gently on my nipples.

  Suddenly he entered me. I was so wet. He slid right in without any problems. I was in heaven as he pounded me. Every time he thrust in and pulled out I could feel myself getting closer and closer to my climax.

  He grabbed my right leg and lifted it over his shoulder. The deeper he went the louder I moaned. I could feel my body tighten and the familiar sensations took over me.

  “Oh shit! I’m coming!” I exclaimed.

  He grabbed my left leg lifting it over his shoulder and continued to ram me. I could feel him so deep.

  I came hard surrendering my body to the waves of pleasure that rippled through me. There was nothing going on in my mind than how good it felt.

  He never faltered as I came all over his hard dick. When I was done he pulled out.

  “Turn over,” he instructed.

  I struggled to flip over. My legs felt shaky. I got on all fours with my ample ass in the air. He placed his hands on either side of my waist and entered me.

  I felt like I was going to come again as I heard the sound of my ass slapping his thighs.

  It didn’t take him very long. He came pulling out and spilling his cum all over my back and ass.

  “Oh shit that was good!” he exclaimed.

  I laughed.

  He paused for a second trying to catch his breath. Then he moved off the bed.

  “Don’t move. Let me get a towel.”

  I stayed there feeling the cum grow cold and slide down my side. Suddenly I felt a warm towel on my back and he gently cleaned me wiping my pussy as well. When he was done, I rolled over and he collapsed on top of me.

  “Hannah, I want you to be with me. I won’t rest until you are mine.”

  Dear Diary,

  Just like with any sport, in football, you must work as a team to accomplish your desired goals. You can have those amazing break out stars but it all comes down to the team and the team effort.

  If the team is not on the same page, there will be chaos and issues that will result in a major loss. David and Keith’s team never had this problem…until I came along.

  Unfortunately for their team, David and Keith no longer are willin
g to work for the good of the team. They are only human and it is hard to be a good team player to someone you despise. Especially when it is someone that wants something that you feel belongs to you.

  It’s easier just to miss that one block and send the big guys on the other team to crush your competition. It’s easier to try and show the guy up.

  It was my fault that their team was not a team. It was my fault that they were both in pain and could not even focus on something they loved more than anything in the world.

  It hurt me to see it and I still was not closer to making a decision than I was before. I knew it was getting closer to an explosion. Right now it’s only a matter of who explodes first.

  -H

  Chapter Seventeen

  The first game of the playoffs was tomorrow and I was accompanying Stacey, John and her parents to the game in New York. Stacey was so excited because she and I had never been to New York and we couldn’t wait to go.

  Somehow she was able to get us all rooms in the same hotel as the team. I wasn’t sure how she pulled that off. I wasn’t sure how well it was going to work out having all three of us in the same place at once. It was nothing I could do about it now. The rooms were booked and paid for and I had to just roll with it and hope for the best.

  I had not seen either guy in a week. That didn’t mean that they both had not been calling me constantly. I just didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say to them. Just when I thought things were over with David and Keith would be my clear choice, we made love and everything that I thought I knew went right out of the window. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

  Our flight was leaving early this afternoon and I still was not done packing. If Stacey knew she would have thrown a fit. She hates when I am late so I rushed trying to get everything ready. That is when I realized that I left my laptop charger at work.

  “Damn!” I said.

  Now I had to go and get it. Stacey was supposed to pick me up from here and now she was going to have to drop me off at the office. I grabbed my cell to call her and tell her the news when I heard a knock at my front door.

  I scrambled down the hall and peeked through the peephole to see who was there. I didn’t see anyone. I opened the door and notice there was a package on the ground outside my door. I reached down and picked it up. I brought it inside and slammed the door shut behind me.