Diary of a Wanted Woman

by Donnee Patrese

  I looked up at the clock and realized that it was five in the morning. I sighed. I guess I wasn’t going to get much sleep. I thought about the way Keith treated me last night. It wasn’t enough to make me stop loving him. I didn’t know if there was anything that would make me stop.

  He was in pain and it was pain that I put there. He didn’t know how to deal with pain. That was normally when Mr. Hyde reared his ugly head.

  David was always composed and to see him fighting and as angry as I have ever seen him, unnerved me. It was a testament to what he was going through.

  They both claimed they loved me and they would fight for me. No way did I deserve such affection. Especially not the way I was treating them.

  I laid my head on the kitchen table and closed my eyes. My head was killing me and I tried for a second to get some kind of sleep.

  The knocking at my door interrupted that. I sat up and walked to the door not sure who would be on my doorstep this early in the morning. I looked out the peep hole and could say that I was really shocked at the person standing there. He was holding a dozen roses and a warm smile.

  I cracked the door and peeked out. When he saw me he smiled but I didn’t smile back.

  He sighed.

  “Can I come in?” he asked.

  I stood there staring at him.

  “Keith, it’s early.”

  “I know but I really need to talk to you.”

  I hesitated for a few seconds. Then I moved out of the way opening the door wider letting him inside. When he passed me I noticed that he smelled a little ripe. I closed the door behind him and leaned against it with my arms folded across my chest.

  He handed me the roses but I didn’t budge.

  “You’re really mad at me huh?”

  I didn’t say a word.

  He tried handing the flowers to me again.

  “Here baby, take them.”

  I finally reached out and took them.

  “They’re beautiful.”

  “Just like you.”

  I looked at him suspiciously.

  “Keith why are you here so early.”

  He walked over and plopped down on the couch.

  “Well, I couldn’t get you out of my head. I know that I lost my temper last night and I felt really bad. I decided to work out this morning and after I finish I come over here to see you.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “I see you didn’t shower after working out.”

  He laughed.

  ‘Can I use your shower?”

  I was becoming impatient with him.

  “Keith, just tell me why you are here.”

  I could tell he had something to get off his chest and he didn’t know how to say it. I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. I was sleepy and cranky and after last night, I was not in the mood for bullshit small talk.

  He patted the spot on the couch next to him. I shook my head no.

  “Not until you tell me why you are here.”

  He heaved a sigh.

  “I came to tell you I am sorry.”

  I wasn’t moved.

  “What are you sorry for?”

  He smirked.

  “I see you are not going to make this easy for me.”

  I sat the roses down on the table and folded my arms across my chest.

  “Well you choked me until I bruised and you threw me out of your house naked,” I recalled reaching up to rub my sore throat.

  He stood up and walked over to me. I took a step back. He stopped.

  “You’re afraid of me now?”

  Now? I have always been afraid of him.

  “Yes,” I confessed.

  He came toward me again and this time I didn’t move. He analyzed my neck.

  “Is it a bad thing that your bruises are making my dick hard?”

  I could not believe that he said that. Then again it was Keith.

  “Keith, that does not help your cause.”

  He grabbed my hand and brought me back over to the couch. We sat down and he draped his arm across my shoulders.

  “I know you are angry with me but just let me talk for a few minutes.”

  I leaned against him.

  “I’m listening.”

  He took a deep breath and adjusted himself on the couch.

  “Hannah, when I was growing up we didn’t have very much. My father was never there and my mother raised me and my sisters. I looked a lot like my dad so she didn’t treat me particularly well.”

  I looked up at him. I always knew there was something in his eyes that never went away and now I knew why.

  “It took years for me to stop hating her for treating me the way that she did.”

  He took another deep breath and continued.

  “My mother died a couple of years ago. I think that I felt guilty that I didn’t care that much.”

  He ran his hands over his face and I reached out placing my hand on his back.

  “I think she fucked me up. I want to be better and I want to be with someone.”

  I continued to rub his back feeling his heartache.

  “Hannah, I have been with a lot of women. I have used and abused a lot of women.”

  I stared at him with one eyebrow raised.

  “Oh don’t give me that look,” he said. “You’re no fucking girl scout.”

  I smirked and he continued.

  “I didn’t think I would ever find a woman that was on my level. A part of me felt like it was mainly because I didn’t want to find her. I was content to play my games, fuck and move on.”

  “What changed that?” I asked

  He smiled and looked down at me.

  “You. You changed me.”

  He leaned over and kissed me on the side of my head.

  “I have always been a man that knew what I wanted. When I wanted it I went after it until I got it. I have groupies and bitches that want to be down but even I know that shit won’t last. Deep down I want something that will last.”

  He turns to me.

  “Hannah I want you and I will not stop until I have you.”

  He leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips.

  “I am sorry that I got so upset with you. I have abandonment issues and I flipped out when I thought you were leaving me. I need to know baby. Are you going to stay with me?”

  “Keith, I can’t make that decision now.”

  “Look baby, I am not a patient man. I am never willing to wait and I think I have waited long enough to know who you want to be with.”

  “I just can’t.”

  “Hannah, how long do you plan to take? We both will not wait forever. I know I can’t wait forever. You are not being fair to either of us.”

  He was right and I knew that he was right. It didn’t change the fact that my decision wasn’t easy.

  “Hannah, you need to remember that we have so much more to explore together. David cannot give you what I can give you. We are like two fucked up peas in a pod. We are made for each other. If we are going to be fucked up we might as well be fucked up together.”

  He had a point. He understood all my demons and was ready to take them head on no matter what. He was broken and so was I.

  “Baby, David can’t say that. He grew up in a cookie cutter house with a cookie cutter family. He will never understand you. It’s not his fault but it’s the truth.”

  I had similar thoughts.

  He leaned over and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around him and deepened the kiss. He pushed me back on the couch and began to undress me. He pulled off my dirty gym shorts and I took off my shirt. He undressed himself until he was only in his boxers.

  In only his underwear, he adjusted my body on the couch. He began to kiss me on the neck, down my collarbone and to my breasts. I was lost and could not free myself from the temptation. He looked up at me and smiled. I could feel his fingers trailing a path down my stomach and into my panties.

  I moaned.

  Just as he trailed his head do
wn to follow the path his fingers made, there was another knock at my door.

  Damn! Why am I so fucking wanted today.

  I tried to push Keith off me but he wouldn’t budge.

  “Shit, baby, let whoever that is knock.”

  I pushed him again and this time he moved. I put back on my shorts and shirt and walked over to the door. I looked out of the peephole and groaned.

  I opened the door and David stood there with his hands in his hoodie pocket.

  “Can I come in?”

  I sighed.

  “Yes David.”

  I moved and he walked past me into the house. He noticed Keith and stopped. The men looked at each other and didn’t say a word.

  “So, does anyone want coffee?”

  They ignored me and continued to stare at each other.

  “Hannah, what the fuck is he doing here? After last night he shouldn’t be here. He should be in jail.”

  Keith looked angry.

  “You called him?”

  “He came over and saw me…,”

  “I saw her curled up in a ball with bruises on her neck. I should kick your ass right now,” David interrupted taking a step closer.

  Keith, who had redressed, stepped closer as well.

  “Hannah doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. She never has a problem when I fuck her unconscious and inflict pain on her. When I make her bend her fat ass over and paddle her, she begs for more.”

  I knew Keith was trying to get under David’s skin. From the look on David’s face, it was working.

  David looked disturbed. He looked at me to confirm what Keith said. I looked away. I guess that was confirmation enough.

  “I don’t want you ever to touch her again,” he said too calmly.

  “What. Do you mean like this?”

  Keith walked over and grabbed my ass.

  I saw David go at him and I jumped in between them.

  “No, not in my house. I am sick of the fighting.”

  David stopped and looked at me.

  “Then you need to choose.”

  Keith looked at me. I could tell this was one thing that they agreed on for once. They were both staring at me united in their front to get me to make a decision.

  “You need to choose right now,” Keith said folding his arms across his chest.

  I stood there looking at both men. I was about to break down and I needed a minute to breathe.

  “I need a minute.” I said walking out down the hall and into my bedroom before they had a chance to stop me.

  I leaned across my bed and took a series of deep breaths. I was struggling here.

  Damn!

  This is why I don’t like commitments. Why couldn’t this be simple? Why did David have to come back to me? I got myself together and walked down hall. I stopped and ducked into the bathroom when I heard them talking. I could clearly hear everything.

  “I know what you did to her, what you do to her. You are a sick motherfucker and I refuse to let you touch her again.”

  Keith laughed.

  “You say I’m sick. Are you still going to love Hannah when you realize she loves it? She wants everything I give her. Do you think she’s sick too?”

  I was very interested to know what David’s answer would be.

  “She’s not sick. She is just so used to people mistreating her that she thinks she likes it and you just manipulate her.”

  “If that’s the case it didn’t take much. I just had to whip out my big black dick and she was on her knees.”

  I peeked out and I could see them. David stood almost chest to chest with Keith. Keith did not move and refused to back down.

  “It doesn’t matter who Hannah picks. It won’t change the fact that if you lay another hand on her, if I see a scratch, a bruise or a paper cut on her and it was caused by you, I will fucking kill you.”

  I walked in at that moment. I didn’t want fighting to start. When David saw me he moved away from Keith.

  I opened my mouth to speak but David stopped me. He could see that I was distraught.

  “Look, I don’t want you to make a rash decision right now. I think you should take one more day and then let us know tomorrow.

  He sounded like he wasn’t sure that I was going to pick him. I think he was afraid that I would go with my carnal appetite that he saw manifest itself every time Keith was in the vicinity.

  Keith was not happy about that.

  “What the fuck are you saying,” he said to David.

  He approached me.

  “Hannah, I can’t sleep another night not knowing who you want. I can’t sleep another night without you in my bed. I need to know now. Right now!”

  I walked away and began to pace. I could not make a decision now and I thought maybe David was right. It was early and my head was killing me. Maybe some time would help.

  “David is right,” I said.

  Keith threw his hands up in frustration.

  “I need some more time to think.”

  Dr. Jekyll came back.

  Keith walked over and kissed me on the lips.

  “Tomorrow then. I will be expecting you tomorrow.”

  He walked out and as he passed David he winked at him. David took a deep breath and did everything he could not to hurt him.

  When Keith was gone he approached me.

  “You look like you could use some sleep.”

  He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my body. He kissed me on top of my head.

  “You go to bed and get some rest. I am going home. We fly out in two days for the second round of the playoffs and I hope that I know before I leave.”

  He kissed me again.

  “I just want you to know that I love you.”

  He let me go and walked out of my house closing the door behind him.

  I stood there for a couple of minutes. I decided to take his advice and go back to sleep. I walked into the bedroom and plopped down on the bed. I knew that whatever decision I made was going to make affected the rest of my life. I could not afford to make a rash decision.

  I got up and headed toward the bathroom. I took a shower and then climbed into bed. I fell asleep hoping that when I awakened, my mind would be clearer.

  When I did wake up, I realized that sleep didn’t really help. It got rid of my headache but not the hurt in my heart. I just sat in bed looking at the wall in silence. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

  I glanced over at the chair in the room and saw one of the jerseys that Keith and David sent me. They got me the same one except they each gave me one with their last name and number on it. I knew that I threw one of the jerseys on the chair when I came home from New York yesterday. I wasn’t sure which one it was.

  I decided at that second that whoever’s jersey that was on the chair was the man that I was going to choose. It sounded like a good idea at the time.

  I climbed off the bed and walked over to the chair. My heart began to pound as I approached. I could not believe this was how I was going to decide. I just didn’t have anything else.

  I grabbed the jersey from the chair and looked at it. I didn’t have to see the name to tell who it belonged to. I stared at it and the emotions that came over me confused me for a second. Then it hit me and I sighed with relief. I hugged it to my body and realized that my mind was clear and I knew who I wanted to be with.

  It wasn’t just the jersey. It was the emotions I felt when I looked at the jersey. I knew who I wanted more than anything in the world. I tossed the jersey on the bed and walked down the hall into the kitchen. I was starving and needed something to eat. Now that I knew, there was a sense of relief that washed over me.

  Dear Diary,

  Everyone has that light bulb moment. You know…the one where you wreck your brain over something or a decision and then suddenly it hits you.

  It wasn’t the most practical way to decide what man you would spend the rest of your life with. Yet it still had its desired effect.

&n
bsp; It gave me my light bulb moment.

  When I looked at that jersey deep down I didn’t think it would help. I expected to continue this dangerous game where I wound up still in the middle of this volatile triumvirate.

  Yet, when I saw that jersey something was lifted from my shoulders. It was the moment when the monkey was off my back and I felt light and free.

  I knew who I wanted and that was the best feeling in the world. It was also the scariest moment in the world. I knew that choosing really was choosing to leave one of them behind.

  I knew it had to be done though. I didn’t really have a choice anymore. It was one or nothing and I was tired of being left with nothing.

  I woke up this morning a woman on a mission. I was going to claim my love and then do all kinds of dirty and nasty things to him…

  -H

  Chapter Twenty

  The air was cool and I was a little cold in just a short sleeved jersey and some jeans. I stood outside his house hoping I made the right decision. Once I made up my mind, I felt a sense of comfort to know that soon this mess would all be over.

  This morning, I started to have second thoughts. What if I picked the wrong man and then regretted my choice?

  My head and my heart weren’t completely in sync but I knew deep down that he was the right man.

  He knew me better than I knew myself. It was strange that I knew someone that would know my wants and needs and could give them to me. The longer I stood outside his home the more I became more confident that I made the right decision.

  I didn’t call before I came and it was so early I wasn’t sure he would even be awake. I just couldn’t wait another second. I could have called last night but I wanted another night to sleep on my decision and if I still felt the same way this morning I would say this to him in person.

  He finally opened the door and gave me his award winning smile. Before I could speak, he grabbed me and pulled me over to him.

  He was sweaty but the warmth of his body against mine made me want to jump him right there. I rubbed my hand up and down his back and I could tell that holding me was turning him on as well.

  “You’re sweaty,” I said wiping my hand on my pants.

  He grinned.

  “Yes, I was in the basement working out.”