Worthy of Love?

by J. Lea

  I was afraid of his reaction when he saw me. Will he be disappointed? Furious? Flabbergasted? The third row, in which I sat, was next. My heart was hammering against my chest, and my hands were sweating like crazy. Parker still hadn’t seen me, as he focused his attention to each student introducing themselves.

  “Hey, Mr. T. My name is Jon Calloway. I play football, and I love girls.” The class erupted in laughter, and even Parker’s lips turned up at the corners. He nodded and focused next on Elias. I was staring at Parker, so I noticed him glancing my way for a brief second before his eyes settled on Elias again. And then it happened. The moment he realized who I was. His face went slack, and his mouth slightly opened. Shock was written all over his face as he stared wide-eyed directly at me. He rubbed his hands over his cheeks, and leaned back on his desk, while he tried to follow Elias’s words.

  I bowed my head to collect myself. When I lifted it again, everyone in the classroom was watching me. Why are they looking at me like that? I looked left, then right, and Elias poked me in the ribs with his elbow.

  “Lori, it’s your turn.”

  “Oh, crap,” I whispered. Clearing my throat, I introduced myself briefly, trying and failing at keeping my voice from shaking. I had no idea what came out of my mouth; everything was a blur. Parker nodded when I stopped speaking, and turned to the next person. But his gaze was not like I expected. His eyes seemed mad. Why would he be mad at me? I didn’t do anything wrong. I couldn’t find an explanation for his reaction. His jaw was clenched, and it looked as if steam was about to come out of his ears. I felt terrible. The fickle fate really didn’t want me to be happy. Finally, I had met a great guy, but it was clear we wouldn’t be able to continue with our relationship. The lump in my throat grew bigger as I struggled with keeping my emotions under control.

  When the introductions ended, Parker started his lecture. Every time he turned to write something on the blackboard, the whole class had the chance to stare at his sexy butt. It was perfect; round and firm. He was wearing dark, almost black jeans and a V-neck polo shirt. His hair was more subdued than I was used to, but still playful, and his stubble was gone. Just when I thought he couldn’t get more handsome, he put on glasses. Glasses that sat perched on the bridge of his nose, and gave him a more studious, serious look. They looked amazing on him. When he addressed the class, not one of the questions was meant for me. Every time his gaze wandered in my direction, he looked through me as if I wasn’t even there. He ignored me completely. My sadness was replaced by simmering anger. What is his problem? Does he think I hid my age, and other things, from him on purpose? I couldn’t believe that, just a few days ago, we’d had a perfect date, and then my world turned upside down so quickly my head couldn’t stop spinning. My emotions were all over the place. I wanted to scream, cry, and laugh at the same time. Shock was too small of a word to describe how I felt. I was upset, shaken and confused.

  Finally, the bell rang. Everybody rushed to his or her feet, stuffing their books into their bags, but I took my time gathering my things. I wanted to see Parker in private, and discuss what to do. Two of my schoolmates were already at his desk, twirling their hair around their fingers, smiling sweetly at him. I rolled my eyes.

  “You comin’?” Elias was getting impatient.

  “Yes, I’ll be right behind you, I just want to ask Mr. Thorne something.” Elias looked at him and back at me.

  “He’s hot, huh? No wonder Candy and Jessica are already strutting their stuff for him.” He nodded his head to the girls who talked with Parker.

  I shrugged. I didn’t want to tell him that was my Parker.

  “I’ll wait for you by the car,” Elias called over his shoulder as he was leaving the classroom. Soon after he left, Candy and Jessica sauntered out as well, but Jon stopped me on my way to Parker’s desk.

  “So, Lori,” he held his chin in his hand, running his eyes over me. “Where have you been hiding? I’ve never seen you before.”

  I gave him an annoyed look. I needed to talk to Parker, and he was in my way.

  “Um…” I muttered, glancing to the front of the class, and hoping Parker won’t leave before me. “I really have to go, but I’ll see you around, okay?” I quickly said before I marched to Parker, who was watching us with interest. Jon mumbled something after me, and left the classroom.

  When I finally reached Parker’s side, my stomach was in knots. Gripping the strap of my messenger bag tightly, I uttered, “Hey.”

  “You’re a high school student? Are you kidding me?” He leaned toward me, but the expression on his face wasn’t nice. He looked furious.

  “Yes,” my response came out more like a question.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You didn’t tell me you were a teacher, either!” I raised my voice in protest.

  He ran a hand through his now unruly hair, turned away from me, and swore before facing me again.

  “Damn it, Lori. You know what this means, right?”

  “Why should it mean anything?”

  “We can’t see each other anymore. It’s wrong. I’m your teacher, for crying out loud,” he spat out, and I took a step back.

  “But…” I stuttered.

  “Are you even legal yet? Oh, God, please, tell me you are.” I nodded. “Thank God,” he visibly relaxed, sighing with relief. “I can’t believe I’ve never asked you about your age,” he shook his head at himself.

  “Parker…”

  “Mr. Thorn, Lori. You can’t call me Parker anymore. That would be unprofessional and dangerous.”

  “But…” I couldn’t find the right words.

  “No buts.” He rubbed his face with his hands again, burying them in his hair. “Shit,” he muttered. “This is so wrong, I can’t believe this is happening,” he said to himself, pacing up and down the classroom. When he finally came to a stop in front of me, I placed a hand on his forearm, looked into his eyes. Right before I opened my mouth to speak, he yanked his arm away from my touch as if I burned him, and stepped back. My heart squeezed in pain. I felt like somebody delivered a particularly nasty blow to my stomach, knocking the air out of my lungs.

  “What about our kiss the other day? That didn’t mean anything to you? I can’t stop thinking about it.”

  “Damn it, Lori. I think it’d be best if you found yourself a guy your own age.”

  “But I don’t want a guy my own age. I want you. You’re not that much older than me, anyway.”

  “I’m twenty-five. I’m too old for you.”

  “You’re saying this now, but on Saturday you played a different tune.”

  “Look, I just wanted to get into your pants. Trust me, I’m not interested in anything else.”

  My eyes shot up to meet his, my mouth hanging wide open. The first tear slipped down my cheek, and I could hear my heart shattering into a million tiny pieces.

  “You don’t mean that,” I said incredulously.

  “I’m dead serious. I’m not interested in you. And, if I knew from the beginning how old you were, I wouldn’t have bothered.”

  “You bastard!” I exclaimed in a shaky voice. “Good thing I found out before I could made a terrible mistake.”

  “Men are bastards. You should’ve realized that by now. Deal with it.”

  I turned on my heel, and, with what dignity I could muster, I marched out the door as fast as my legs could carry me. How could I be so naïve as to believe him? Trust him? And I can’t believe I actually liked him! I pushed the exit door open, and stepped outside to breathe in the fresh air. I stopped, looked up into the clear blue sky, and cried even harder. My breathing fast and shallow, I frantically wiped at the tears that just wouldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks. I couldn’t believe how stupid I was. Good thing I hadn’t told him everything about myself.

  When I was finally able to control my sobs and the tears dried up, I put one foot before the other, walked past Elias, and entered his car, feeling completely numb on the inside.

 
; “What’s with you?” he asked as he sat down in the driver’s seat.

  “Nothing,” I snarled.

  “Have you been crying?” His voice sounded worried.

  “No, something fell in my eye. Just drive me home, please.”

  “Okaaay,” he drew the word out and rolled his eyes. He didn’t believe my excuse, but he didn’t ask me anything else, for which I was extremely grateful.

  Chapter Ten

  February 2011

  14 years old

  “Lori, what has been going on with you lately? You brought home another D. Things can’t go on like this. Not only are you slacking off at practice, your grades are slipping. What are we going to do with you?” Dad was furious. He couldn’t wrap his head around my sudden change from a straight-A student to an average student.

  “Don’t you think I know that? I care about this, too. But I can’t concentrate, and it’s hard for me to study. You know I’m trying.” I defended myself as best as I could, but I couldn’t tell him the real reason behind the issue. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Coach Briggs touching me and kissing me. I had nightmares every night, and they woke me up mid-scream, covered in sweat. When I tried to study, my head was filled with the coach’s voice telling me I was pretty, that I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, and what he wanted to do to me, to my body. Every time I gathered enough courage to want to tell somebody, I convinced myself nobody would ever believe me. I knew Coach would turn my words against me, making me the culprit. I couldn’t eat, I barely slept, and, as a result, I was exhausted at school. I couldn’t give my best at practice since I was terrified about Coach trapping me alone again, and touching me. I couldn’t share my secret with anyone, and it was killing me. I became an introvert, never leaving the house. Mom’s eyes were filled with worry whenever she asked me if something was wrong. My replies were curt, and held a hostile edge to them. I was constantly in a sour mood, and I couldn’t hide it.

  “Go to your room. You’re grounded for two weeks. You need to improve your grades. You’re only allowed to go to school and practice, and afterwards, straight home. Understand?”

  I nodded stiffly. I hadn’t planned on going anywhere anyway. Home was where I felt most safe. But I still couldn’t avoid practice.

  With slumped shoulders, I slowly walked up the stairs to my room and shut the door. I stared at nothingness for a while, and then I grabbed a blank notebook and started writing furiously. I poured all my emotions on paper. Once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. I wrote down every dirty detail of my encounters with my coach, and how it made me feel. I wrote about everything he had done to me, and how I’d begged him to stop.

  Instantly, I felt like a tiny bit of weight was lifted off my shoulders. When I finished, I glanced up at the alarm clock at my nightstand; it was way past ten in the evening. I didn’t bother wiping the stray tears off my cheeks, and just as I stuffed the notebook between the mattress and the base of the bed, I heard a gentle knock on my door.

  “Lori, turn off the light, it’s time to go to sleep.” Mom entered the room just as I was wiping at my tears. She approached me and, sitting on the bed beside me, squeezed me into a hug. “Oh, sweetheart. Don’t be sad. Your dad is only looking out for you. We’re worried about you, sweetie. We’re not used to seeing you like that. Where is my happy girl? What is happening? Do you need a tutor? Is school getting too hard to handle on your own?”

  “No, Mom, I just have to study harder. I promise I’ll do better in the future,” I assured her.

  “I have no doubts about that.” She pressed a kiss on my forehead. “We love you, don’t forget that.” I nodded silently at her.

  After she left my room, I slid under the covers, and squeezed my eyes shut. When sleep finally overtook me, I had another dream about the coach, reliving one of our past encounters once more.

  He demanded I come to his office again. For the first time, I gathered enough courage to tell him no, that I had someplace to be after practice. I could see the look of incredulity that crossed his face as I told him that. I felt brave because Maggie and Jenny were beside me on the mat, doing strength exercises. It was much easier to stand up for myself in the presence of someone else. His jaw twitched, pupils dilating in anger. With a curt nod, he muttered that he would see us next time, and marched out the room. I smiled to myself. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t insisted any more, and I was glad he hadn’t. I still had some exercises to finish before I could leave, so I said goodbye to Maggie and Jenny, who were heading off to the locker room. When I was done, I grabbed my bag, and scurried for the exit. Just as I reached for my phone to call dad to see if he was already waiting for me outside, I felt a strong squeeze on my forearm. Before I could exclaim in pain, Coach Briggs covered my mouth with his big hand, and dragged me to his office down the hall. My heart pounded so hard I thought it was going to burst out of my chest, and I couldn’t think rationally as my mind was clouded with terror. When we were inside his office, he locked the door, and pushed me down into a chair.

  “Don’t you ever say no to me again! Are we clear?” His face was so close to mine, I could feel the breath of his sharp exhales on my cheeks. I thought he was going to hit me, so I raised my arms in front of my face in defense. I’ve never seen him so furious.

  Suddenly, he started laughing, and he stepped a few steps back, so I lowered my arms cautiously. He was still barking with laughter a minute later, rubbing his chin with his hand.

  “Did you really think I was going to hit you? Lori, Lori, Lori,” he shook his head. “I could never hurt your pretty face.”

  “I’m sorry, but you scared me.” I didn’t know why I apologized; I just knew it was necessary.

  “I don’t want you to be scared of me. I want you to feel good when you’re with me.”

  His comment made me shiver, and I raised my legs to my chest, wrapping my arms around my knees.

  “Get up!” He demanded.

  I shook my head.

  “Get up, I said!” He didn’t wait for my reaction, he just grabbed my hand so I was forced to get to my feet, and he pushed me with my back against the wall.

  “P-please,” my teeth started clattering. Tears started gathering in my eyes.

  “What are you begging me to do? To kiss you? To caress your smooth skin? Don’t worry, I will do just that.”

  I shook my head no, my eyes to the ground. “Please, don’t.”

  “So beautifully innocent.” He ran his forefinger along my cheek, down my throat, and his meaty hand squeezed my breast. Squeezed so hard, I yelped in pain.

  “No, please, don’t,” I begged him through my tears, trying to escape his grasp.

  “Quiet,” he hissed. “Do you remember what I said the other day? No one is going to believe you. I am an important man, and people hold me in high regard. Do you understand that?”

  I stayed quiet.

  “Do you understand?” he demanded sharply.

  I nodded, tears spilling down my face. I became even more scared as I had no idea what his intentions were with me.

  “Good, so long as we’re clear,” he laughed curtly, and the next moment, his lips crushed harshly against mine. I tried to turn my head to the side, so I would get rid of his mouth on me, but I couldn’t move an inch. He was much bigger and stronger than I was, so he easily overpowered me. He pinned my shaky arms over my head with one hand, reaching under the top and sports bra I wore with the other. He groaned when he touched my bare breast. Then he pushed the garments over my head forcefully, freeing my breasts.

  “Your skin is so soft,” he groaned, burying his mouth between them the next second. I squirmed and wriggled, trying everything I could to escape him, but he wouldn’t budge. When my breasts weren’t enough for him anymore, he slid his hand down to cup my sex over my sweats. I tried to push him off me as his hand momentarily loosened his hold on my arms, but as I jerked him back, he squeezed my wrists, and pushed me with my front to the wall so hard, I yelped. He pressed his fro
nt to my back, wrapping one hand around my neck, returning his other hand between my legs, rubbing me there.

  “No, no, no,” I moved frantically in his hold. In that moment, my phone started ringing in my bag, jerking us both to a stop.

  “That’s probably my dad,” I breathed. “I have to answer, please.”

  “Fine. But be careful what you say,” he hissed.

  I fumbled after my phone.

  “Dad?” I answered the call when I located the phone, trying to keep my voice steady. My hands were shaking so badly I almost dropped it to the floor.

  “Where are you? I’ve been waiting for you for ten minutes. I was just about to come get you. I don’t know why you always have to chat with your friends so much after practice,” his weary voice resounded in my ear.

  I raised my eyes to Coach Briggs. He’d heard what dad said as his ear was pressed to the phone as well. “I’ll be right out,” I said quickly, and ended the call.

  Coach waved his finger at me menacingly. “And not a word, remember?”

  I ran past him to the door, fumbling with the keys, and when I was in the hallway, I could finally breathe more easily.

  I woke up screaming, sweating profusely, with a tear-stained face. I couldn’t even hide from him in my sleep; he still chased after me in my dreams.