Worthy of Love?

by J. Lea

  I pressed my lips together. “Does Mom know?”

  “No.”

  “Why haven’t you told her?”

  He shrugged. “She’s got enough on her plate as it is, and I didn’t want to bother her.”

  “Oh, Tyler.” I squeezed him to me. “Never keep quiet about things like this. You know how it played out with me. If I could go back in time, I’d act differently, but I was afraid back then, so I kept my mouth shut. And that’s wrong. You must never ever do that.”

  “How did you feel?”

  I sighed, and leaned on the headboard myself. “I was depressed. I was sad, I felt terrible, and most of all, lonely. And I wanted to cry. Constantly. I wondered why this was happening to me. Yes, I was different from my schoolmates, but that didn’t mean I was a bad person or anything like that. They turned me into an outcast, making fun of me, and turning my life into hell. They couldn’t comprehend, or even bother to understand, what I’ve been through, and they pushed me away when I needed friends by my side. Mom and Dad were there for me, but they couldn’t do much. You were there, and we both saw how it destroyed our family.” It still brought tears to my eyes when I thought about those days.

  “I don’t want to go back to school,” Tyler said, a tear rolling down his cheek. “They’re waiting for me at the entrance, and they call me weird names. I don’t want to sound like a wuss, but every morning I wake up, I wish I was going anywhere but to school.”

  “You did the right thing by telling me. And you’re not a coward. The only cowards are the two guys bullying you. Do you think there’s anything you can do to make things better?”

  “If I tell them to leave me alone, they just make it worse. If I run every time I see them, they’ll think I’m a coward, and find new ways to harass me.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with walking away from a fight. I think it takes more courage to walk away from trouble than participate in it.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Bullies are cowards. I know that now. They like to humiliate others in order to make themselves feel better in their skin, to feel more powerful themselves.”

  “That’s not much of a consolation.”

  “I know, but still, it’s true. You know, I have to tell Mom.” He nodded. “Don’t worry. Everything will turn out all right. I love you.”

  We hugged. “I love you, too, Lori. And I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I know I was still little, and you probably thought I didn’t even notice, but I did. And I didn’t like watching you suffer day after day. You’re one of the strongest people I know, and I admire you for that.” I burst into tears. My brother’s words hit me straight into my heart.

  ~ * ~

  I told mom about my conversation with Tyler when she came home. She was visibly worried. Tyler’s recent mood swings and bad grades instantly made more sense. She hoped that, after all we’ve already been through, there wouldn’t be any problems in our new home, but trouble seemed to follow us everywhere. She decided to go to school and have a talk with our principal, but I asked if I could do it instead. I’d once been in Tyler’s shoes, so I knew how he felt, and how to proceed.

  The bell went off, the final class of the day ended, and I went straight to principal McAddams’ office. I knocked on her door. A moment later, I heard her voice telling me to enter. I turned the doorknob, my hands sweaty and shaky.

  “Can I talk—“ I came to a halt, words caught in my throat. Parker was in the office, standing next to the principal, documents in their hands, and they were both watching me. “To you,” I finished.

  “Of course, Lori. What is it?”

  I looked from the principal to Parker, and then back at the principal. “I was hoping to talk to you in private.”

  “Is there something wrong?” She gave me a worried look.

  I shifted from foot to foot as I tugged at the hem of my shirt. “Um, yes.”

  “We’ll finish this later, okay?” She turned to Parker, who nodded solemnly, and moved to the door. He gave me a worried look as he passed me, but I paid him no attention as I collected myself and turned to the principal.

  “Sit down, Lori, and tell me what the problem is.” From my earlier interactions with her, I noticed she knew every student’s name, and she was an extremely nice person.

  I went straight to the point. “My brother is being bullied.”

  “I see,” she replied.

  “It’s not just being called silly names, Principal McAddams. He’s also being harassed and beaten, and they take his lunch money on regular basis.”

  She straightened. “Who are these people?”

  I told her the names of both boys, and gave her a recap of what Tyler had told me. “It’s been happening ever since the first day. The bullying is getting to him because his grades have been suffering, and, every morning, he is afraid to go to school. Please, we have to end this.”

  She tapped her pen on the desk a few times, her brows together as she was thinking. “You know, we will have to bring Tyler in and talk to him? We will also have to call the parents of the boys involved. Your parents, too. These are very serious accusations, and we need to get to the bottom of it.”

  I nodded. “Of course. Anything to make the bullying stop.”

  We stood, and she walked me to the door. “Thank you for telling me. I promise you we’ll resolve this matter.” I smiled at her, and exited the office. As I quietly closed the door behind me, I saw Parker standing in the hallway. With his shoulder and hip leaning against a locker, he straightened as soon as he saw me come out, and hurried to me. I glanced his way and walked past him, but I heard him run after me until he was at my side.

  “Is something wrong, Lori?” His voice sounded worried.

  “Nothing that should concern you,” I hissed, never slowing down.

  He grabbed my upper arm, forcing me to stop. I jerked toward him.

  “What do you want?” I said, avoiding his gaze. Being so close to him did funny things to my insides – it was like I was happy and sad to see him at the same time. I tried really hard not to think about us together, but failed. It killed me looking at him day after day, wanting him, and him acting all cool and collected, as if I didn’t exist. I constantly wish I would never see him again; it would make things so much easier for me.

  But I was lying to myself, because I never wanted to stop seeing him, even from afar.

  I was acting nonchalant and unaffected whenever he was near, so he would never know how much it destroyed me being so close to him. But, it was becoming more difficult to pretend I didn’t care about him, since, every time he saw me in the hallway, he looked away, never bothering to greet me or speak to me any more than it was necessary in class. I tried not to think about it, continuing my conversation with my friends, laughing at their jokes, and pretending I was perfectly fine. That everything was perfect. But, on the inside, I was still battling my demons, desperately craving his touches, needing to hear his voice. I was a complete mess. I still couldn’t understand how I could have feelings for someone who could care less for me.

  “Please talk to me,” he gently encouraged me.

  “What? Now you want to talk? After weeks of ignorance and taking out your anger on me? No, thank you.” I pushed him away, and ran down the hallway. Not a moment passed before he was beside me again.

  “I’m sorry, okay? I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

  “I’m great,” I spat out, looking him straight in the eyes. “Happy now? Perfect. Now, leave me alone.” I spun on my heels and rushed away from him. This time, I didn’t hear his footsteps following me, and I was relieved since hot tears were spilling down my cheeks.

  ~ * ~

  The following Thursday, I was early for German, the first class of the day. I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and headed to school. When I stepped into the classroom, Parker was already there, the only other person in the room. His eyes met mine instantly. I thought about turning around, and waiting outside, until o
thers arrived for a moment, but I decided not to. I didn’t want to give him that pleasure. I tore my gaze away, and walked to my desk. My legs were shaking; I was nervous because I didn’t know what mood he was in, and how he was going to act toward me. When I reached my desk, a fortune cookie was sitting there. Bulging my eyes, I stared at it. I looked at Parker, who watched me from behind his desk, but neither of us spoke. There was a deadly silence in the room. I knew that it was from him because no one else knew about my obsession with them.

  “What is this?” I demanded quietly.

  “A fortune cookie,” he softly replied.

  “I know it’s a fortune cookie. What is it doing here?” I said in an irritated voice.

  “I got it for you.”

  “Why?”

  He rose from his chair, and headed toward me. “As a sign of reconciliation. I’m sorry for acting like a jerk toward you. I didn’t know how to deal with our situation, and I acted poorly. I treated you unfairly, blaming you for everything, when you had absolutely nothing to do with it.” He placed his hand gently on my cheek, and I sharply inhaled at his soft touch. I wanted to close my eyes, and enjoy his closeness. His touch was like a gentle flutter of butterflies on my heated skin. “I’m really sorry. I hope we can get along from now on. Act like adults.”

  “Get along?” I turned up my nose.

  He nodded.

  “Parker…I mean, Mr. Thorn—“

  “Parker,” he corrected me.

  “You were the one who took your anger out on me.”

  “I know, and I’d like to fix it. I really am sorry.”

  I shook my head. “If you only knew how many times I wondered what I did wrong. After a very long time, you were the first person I let get close, and you tossed me away like a dirty rag. You hurt me. And, the fact you only went out with me to get laid doesn’t help, either. I can’t believe I was so naive. I actually thought you were different. I liked you. I’ve never liked anyone as much as you. You want to get along? Fine. Let’s do that. There’s nothing else we can do, since we have to see each other for the rest of the school year.”

  “Lori…” He pressed his lips together, upon hearing my words, and ran a hand through his hair. His clean-shaven face was covered with five o’clock shadow. And it looked good on him. He was even manlier, oozing more sex appeal.

  “No, I understand,” I interrupted him. “Men are all the same. I forgot that for a second, but don’t worry, it won’t happen again.”

  “I didn’t mean what I said. I didn’t go out with you because I only wanted sex from you. It’s not true. I regret saying that. It was rude and uncalled for, and I feel horrible for hurting you. That wasn’t my intention,” he said.

  “But you did hurt me!” I threw my hands in the air.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Then, why did you say those mean things?”

  Parker rubbed his face with his palms and took a deep breath. “I don’t know, okay? I was mad, and I blurted the first thing that came to my mind. We had a nice time together, we clicked, and then suddenly, you were my student.” He grimaced. “I was shocked to see you in my classroom. I thought you were older, more mature than an eighteen-year old. I felt cheated.”

  “Do you think I didn’t? Damn it, Parker. I finally meet a man I was willing to open up to, whom I didn’t want to push away, and then it turned out you were my teacher.” Words spewed out of me, I didn’t even think about what I was saying.

  “You’re right. I was blaming you, and didn’t even stop for a moment to think about how you must be feeling. I really am sorry. But, we both know there’s no future for us.”

  “I know it’s against the law. I won’t tell anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’m not like that.”

  His hands balled into fists. “I know you won’t.”

  “Then, what are you worried about? I’m not going to harass you. I don’t do that. I already do my best to stay away from you, but I can’t just turn off my feelings overnight like some switch. I’ll battle them in my own way. It hurts, and I know it’ll hurt for a while yet, but every wound heals with time, and so will mine. I’ll come out of this, stronger and smarter.”

  “Lori…” Parker breathed out, closing his eyes.

  I turned away from him, pulled my books from my bag, and put them on my desk. My eyes brimmed with unshed tears. The door to the classroom then opened, and a small group of my classmates walked in. They were engrossed in conversation, so they didn’t notice the tension in the room. Parker greeted them and retreated to his seat.

  My thoughts were on the fortune cookie the whole hour. I carefully put it away in my bag. I thought Parker had already forgotten about the things I liked, like he’d so easily erased me from his head. I was confused. But, lately, my whole life was a ball of confusion.

  That evening, I got a text from Elias.

  Elias: What are you doing?

  Lori: Doing homework for German. Ot at least I’m trying to. Ugh, it’s killing me. Who came up with this stuff :/

  Elias: Need help?

  Lori: I’d rather someone to do it for me :)

  Elias: Want me to come over?

  Lori: If you want…

  Elias: I’ll be there in 15

  True to his word, Elias rang the doorbell fifteen minutes later. Mom let him in, and I crawled off the bed.

  “Hey,” I greeted him, as I walked into the living room. “Mom, Elias is going to help me with my homework.”

  “How nice of him.” Mom gave Elias a hug, and he smiled at her.

  I grabbed two bottles of water, and some snacks from the kitchen, and we retreated to my room, where I laid back down on the bed. We chatted for a few minutes, but soon got down to business. I struggled with German tenses the most; I could never remember when to use which, and they totally confused me.

  After an hour of hard work, we finished my homework, and I rolled over to my back, both my hands over my face. I felt like a truck ran me over. Elias poked me in the side with his elbow.

  “Hey, Lori,” he grinned.

  “What?” I mumbled.

  “I have a date tomorrow.”

  “Really?” I removed my hands from my face to look at him.

  “I met him online. You should see his picture, mmm, pure perfection. Wait, I can show it to you.” He hopped onto his phone and found the dating site he was on. A few seconds later, he shoved his phone under my nose. “Look.”

  I studied the photo. The guy really did look dreamy with his white grin, full lips, and long eyelashes that laced his dark brown eyes. Instantly, Parker invaded my mind. His lips were also full, his eyes framed by long dark eyelashes that should be forbidden on a man, and he had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.

  “So? What do you think?” Elias interrupted my thoughts.

  I pretended to still study his profile picture, and quickly scrolled over his profile. “He’s cute.”

  “Just cute?” He raised an eyebrow. “Do you need glasses?”

  I shrugged and said, “It says he loves nature and long walks.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “Did you tell him you’re not really a fan of long walks or nature? Well, except walking around the mall,” I laughed.

  “I like walking,” he sulked, as he watched himself in the mirror and fixed his hair.

  “Sure you do. And you told him your sun-kissed tan is from long walks in the nature?” Elias was a big fan of tanning salons. His skin color was exquisite, but Mother Nature had nothing to do with it.

  “He doesn’t have to know,” he winked at me. I shook my head at him, but who was I to judge him? I was just as dishonest about my appearance as Elias was.

  After Elias left, Mom and I made dinner, chatting pleasantly. Tyler soon joined us in the kitchen. His bruise was slowly fading, but it was still clearly visible. The principal had called Mom to a meeting, along with the parents of the two boys who bullied him. They were meeting first thing Monday morning. I truly hoped things would
turn for Tyler; he deserved a fresh start, too. It was time for the sun to shine on our family again.

  “Tyler, set the table, please,” my mom asked my brother, while I took the glasses out of the cupboard. He did so, and, as we sat down at the table, we talked and laughed like we used to do before. We didn’t get to do this a lot anymore, since Mom was working all the time. We couldn’t be together on the weekends, as I had to go to work. We only got to have an evening here and there to spend in each other’s company. So, we chatted about our homework, her job, and the meeting on Friday, and million other things we didn’t get the chance to talk about during the week. After dinner, Tyler went to shower, and Mom and I cleared the table and washed the dishes.

  “How come you haven’t gone out with that boy again? What’s his name again? Parker?” Mom suddenly asked.

  I was certain she forgot all about him since I stopped mentioning him ever since our last date a few months ago. “It didn’t work out,” I gave her an honest answer.

  We moved to the couch. She pulled my legs into her lap, and started massaging my feet.

  “I’m sorry,” she said wistfully.

  “Me, too.”

  “You liked him, huh?” I nodded. “What happened?”

  I shrugged. “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I really liked him. After a long time, I started believing I could find someone who’d love me for who I am.”

  “Did you tell him?”

  I shook my head. “No. But I meant to. Doesn’t matter anymore, anyway.”

  “Honey, I know how horrible you must feel, but you mustn’t give up. You’ll find your prince someday.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Princes don’t exist.”

  “They do exist, you just have to find him. And, don’t even think about changing who you are just to be accepted. You’re beautiful.”

  I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant by that. “Was Dad your prince?” A lump formed in my throat at the thought of my dad. I missed him so bad.