Worthy of Love?

by J. Lea

  “Yes. He was my everything. Beside you and Tyler, of course.”

  “I miss him.”

  “Me too, sweetie, every single day.” She patted my foot, her gaze distant, staring off into the distance.

  A tear slid down my cheek. Memories of my dad were still pretty fresh. Even though it had already been two years since he was gone, it seemed like yesterday.

  “Will the pain ever go away?”

  “I hope so. We have to let the time do the healing. I’m sure that, with each passing year, it’ll get easier to live our lives without constantly thinking about him with heartache. He’ll always live on in our memories, but the pain will lessen.”

  “Why did he do it?”

  “Who knew? Everything happens with a reason. He had his.”

  “But he was stronger than this. I really can’t understand.”

  “Nobody can understand why such things happen. It’s just the way it is.”

  “It’s all my fault,” I cried out.

  “Don’t say that, sweetheart.”

  “It’s the truth! How could he have left us? Didn’t he love us enough not to do it?”

  “He loved us with all his heart. But the guilt was eating him alive.”

  “But he didn’t do anything!”

  “You know that, and Tyler and I know that, but he couldn’t deal with it anymore. His heart wouldn’t let him.”

  I sighed deeply. The more I tried not to think about the things life kept throwing my way, our way, the worse it got. I felt responsible for everything that happened, like I was the one who attracted bad things.

  “Mom?”

  “Yes, sweetie?”

  “Do you think I’m worthy of love? Do you think there is someone out there who’ll take me as I am?”

  “Honey, when love is true, it finds a way, no matter the obstacles on its path. You’ll find the right person who will fill your soul with happiness, make you forget about the ugly past, and help you create a bright future.”

  I prayed her words would come true.

  Chapter Fourteen

  February 2011

  14 years old

  Mom and I approached Dad. She asked him to sit down before telling him we need to talk about something important. I was terrified. Not about Dad’s reaction, but the way he’d look at me once he found out what horrible things Coach Briggs did to me. I didn’t want him to be repulsed by me. I didn’t want our relationship to change, and I was afraid he’d start looking at me differently once he found out.

  “What is this?” Dad wrinkled his forehead in confusion when Mom handed him my notebook.

  “Read it,” she said.

  He looked from me to mom with questioning eyes before opening the notebook and starting to read my entries. His face contorted with anger. He leafed through the notebook with fury, and his mouth widened. “What the hell?” he raised his voice incredulously when he reached the end of the notebook, which held my memories of my horrible encounters with Coach Briggs. “Is this true?” He swung his head around to look at me, then Mom, and back at me. “Is this true, Lori?” He waved the notebook at me. I nodded, embarrassed. Mom and I sat on the couch while dad started marching around the room. “Fuck!” he yelled.

  “George!” Mom exclaimed.

  “What?” he snorted angrily. “As if there aren’t more important matters at hand than one fucking swear word!” He was shaking with fury. Mom’s face contorted, and I could see his words hurt her. When he looked at her, he flinched, and he reached out to her, gently running his hand over her forearm. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. It’s just so hard to believe this has been happening right in front of our face, and we didn’t notice anything. The signs were so obvious!” He was blaming himself. He turned to me, his eyes filling with tears. “I’m sorry, Lori. I’m so sorry. Who is this monster?”

  Mom and I lookad at each other. “Her coach,” she answered for me.

  “Coach? As in Coach Briggs?”

  We both nodded.

  “What the hell? I can’t believe I’ve been forcing you to see that filthy scum. I’m so sorry.” His tears brimmed over and fell on his cheeks.

  “You didn’t know. You did nothing wrong,” I tried to console him.

  “How long has this been going on?” His voice calmed slightly.

  “In the beginning, he only touched my hand, or patted my shoulder. I thought nothing of it. In August, things started getting worse,” I hung my head in shame.

  “Six months? It’s been going on for six months, Lori? I’m going to kill that son of a bitch!” He angrily turned around, letting out some really inventive swear words. In a flash, he grabbed his coat, and rushed through the front door. Mom and I looked at each other, horror filling our eyes, as we knew where he was headed. I was terrified he was going to do something really stupid.

  After a few nail-biting, heart-wrenching hours, the doorbell rang. Mom ran to open the door. A policeman was standing on our doorstep, my father next to him. His face was bloody and his knuckles torn, covered with dried blood. Mom and I just stood there, staring at them.

  “Wh-what happened?” Mom’s nerves were getting the best of her.

  “Ma’am, we received a 911 call about a fight. Your husband attacked Mr. Briggs, and his neighbors called the police. They were creating a lot of noise and nuisance. Luckily, they are both okay, minus a few scuffs and scratches. They were issued a warning, since it was their first time disrupting the peace, but if it happens again, they won’t be so lucky.”

  “I promise it will never happen again, officer. Thank you!” Mom assured the retreating police officer, helped Dad get into the house, and sat him on the couch.

  “What were you thinking, George?! What did you do?”

  “What does it look like to you? I beat him up like the son of a bitch he is. I told him if he ever lays a hand on my little girl again, I’m going to kill him. If those police officers hadn’t come, he’d probably be dead right now.”

  “Oh, George. I know you’re mad, so am I, but that’s not the way to deal with it. You see how it almost got you in trouble, too. Tomorrow morning, we’ll go to the police station and report him. This man belongs behind bars.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  November 2014

  18 years old

  After the meeting with the principal, the two boys who bullied Tyler were suspended for two weeks. They had to apologize to Tyler, and promise they’ll never do something like that again. We weren’t exactly convinced about their promises.

  Mom had to leave soon after, since she had to go to work. She was sorry, but we understood.

  Tyler and I waited for Elias in front of the principal’s office when he asked me:

  “Lori, did you ever forgive your classmates who bullied you? Is that even possible?”

  “Yes, I forgave them, for my own good. I had to if I wanted to move on with my life. I’ve come to the realization we don’t forgive people because we’re weak, but because we’re strong enough to realize people make mistakes.”

  “But it wasn’t just a mistake they made.”

  “I know. Those two guys consciously decided to treat you badly, like my classmates did. So you have to be a better person and forgive them. I know it’s hard. You’ll never be able to forget the ugly stuff; it’s always going to be a part of you. But, I think that when I let go of the bad and the ugly, I grew up. I forgave my abusers, left them behind, and moved on. I’ve become a better person.”

  “I can try, but I can’t promise I’ll succeed. I’m glad they got suspended. Does that make me a bad person?”

  “No, I think it’s a completely healthy reaction. It’d worry me if you didn’t want that.” I mussed his hair and pulled him in for a hug.

  ~ * ~

  During the next few days, every time I was in Parker’s class, a fortune cookie waited for me on my desk. Our eyes always met as I touched the cookie, and he gave me a small smile, so small others couldn’t see it. His actio
ns confused me. Our relationship did get better after we talked. He was no longer distant; he was actually pleasant and polite. Elias noticed the change in his behavior, too, but I changed the subject every time he brought it up, and luckily he didn’t connect the fortune cookies with Parker.

  Tyler and I stopped in front of Elias’s house, waiting for him and Kolt to come out. We agreed to carpool to school. Mom’s co-worker picked her up on his way to work, so I had the car to myself for the whole day. Tyler was sitting on the back seat, playing games on his phone, and I needed a little fresh air, so I leaned on the picket fence, waiting patiently for the perpetually late Elias and Kolt.

  “You want me, I can feel it,” Rick appeared from thin air, and swung his arm around my shoulders.

  I shook my head. “You still haven’t gotten sick of it? Seriously?”

  “Did the sun rise or have you just smiled at me?”

  My smile spread into a grin. How could someone stay serious in his company? “I did, so what?”

  “I knew you loved me. You’re just playing hard to get.”

  “Yes, of course. I’m madly in love with you. I can’t live without you,” I exclaimed theatrically, and grabbed my heart for a better effect.

  “Who’s in love with whom?” Elias asked, as he and Kolt joined us.

  “Lori is in love with me. I finally wore her down, and she admitted her undying love for me,” Rick smirked at Elias, winking.

  “Good for you,” Elias replied dryly.

  We chatted incessantly all the way to the school, while Rick went to work.

  As we waited for German class to begin, Elias asked me whether Rick’s flirting still bothered me.

  “No,” I said. “I’ve gotten used to him. To tell you the truth, he’d be quite boring if he were anything other than who he is. He’s grown on me.”

  “Good. Otherwise I’d have to have a conversation with him.” He slid his hand over my cheek, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

  “No, it’s okay. I know he’s harmless.”

  I heard someone throw something heavy on a desk, so I jerked my gaze up only to meet Parker’s eyes staring at me. My grin fell. He was grinding his teeth together, his hands in fists.

  “Everybody, sit,” he said.

  Elias then asked, “Deal?”

  I automatically nodded without looking at him.

  “Great. I’ll pick you up tonight at seven.”

  “Wait, what?” I asked when I sobered up. Elias was grinning at me. “What have I just agreed to?” He chuckled. “What’s so funny?”

  “You’re going on a double date, girl. With me, Drake and his friend.” Drake was the guy from the Internet Elias went out with, some time ago.

  “What? No!” I said, dumbfounded. “I don’t even know him.”

  “You’ll get to know him. You never know, he might be your soulmate.” He looked pleased with himself, a stupid smirk still on his face. I shook my head.

  When the bell rang, announcing the end of class, we all jumped to our feet, and hurried with clearing up our desks.

  “Lori,” I heard Parker say. “Could you please wait a minute?” I slowly nodded and waited for the classroom to clear out before approaching him.

  “Yes?” I gripped the strap of my bag tightly.

  “Are you and Elias dating?”

  What!? “What?”

  “You heard me. What’s going on between you two?”

  “I heard you alright, I just can’t believe you asked me that. We’re friends.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “What do you mean?” I looked at him in confusion. “Of course we are.”

  “He wants more.”

  I snorted in laughter. “No.”

  “I’m a man. I can tell.”

  “And, why do you care? You’re my teacher, nothing more. These things are none of your business,” I fumed. Why did he care who I hung out with, or if I liked anyone? He had no right asking me that. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction and tell him Elias is like a brother to me.

  “I just do,” he stated calmly.

  “What? Don’t tell me you’re jealous,” I spat out sarcastically, rolling my eyes for bigger effect, and crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Yes! Are you happy now? I’m jealous. I’m jealous of a fucking student.” He raised his arms in the air and buried his hands in his hair.

  I froze in my spot, my jaw on the floor.

  “Did you hear me? I’m jealous. I know I can’t be with you, even though I’d give anything to change that.” He stepped closer to me so our feet were touching, and every time he breathed in, his chest touched mine. Our noses were less than an inch apart. He watched me intensely, and his breath tickled my lips.

  I swallowed the knot that formed in my throat. I didn’t expect this. I was convinced he didn’t want me. At least… not in the way I wanted him.

  “But…but…you said you don’t feel this way about me,” I stuttered. My heart was beating frantically in my chest.

  Parker touched his forehead to mine, and closed his eyes. “I lied. I had to say something. My heart is screaming yes, but my brain is the one holding me back. This is wrong. Forbidden. I could lose my job, never be able to teach again. We can’t be together.” He tore himself away from me, and rubbed his hand over his face. “But why am I constantly thinking about bending you over that table, and kissing you senselessly, right here in my classroom?”

  “You are?” I swallowed hard, completely surprised.

  “God, what did you do to me?”

  “This is so unfair,” I shook my head. “We spent so little time together, but you left a lasting impression. I can’t stop thinking about you. I want to continue with what we had. Is that so wrong?” I dropped my head to the floor. Why is this happening? What is the universe trying to tell me? When I finally find a small piece of happiness for myself, the fate rips it out of my hands. It’s laughing in my face. I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve had enough.

  “I’ve been asking myself the same thing. Ever since we’d kissed, all I’ve been able to think about are your lips on mine.” Parker dropped his eyes to my lips, and lifted them back to look me in the eyes. He touched his fingers to my chin, and his thumb slid over my lips. I closed my eyes. Just when I thought he was going to kiss me, and that I will feel the softness of his lips on mine again, he sighed and stepped back. “Fuck! We can’t do this. It’s wrong.” He took three more steps back, another deep sigh escaping his chest. “Shit!” he exclaimed as he put his hands on his hips.

  “Nobody has to know,” I breathed out. I was desperate, so I stepped closer to him, and placed my hands on his chest. I just needed to feel him.

  “No, that wouldn’t be fair—to either of us. I don’t want to constantly look over my shoulder and wonder if anyone saw us. We’re adults. We know how to keep our emotions under control. That’s what we’re going to have to do. I’m sorry for asking you to stay. I won’t lead you on anymore. Forget I said anything.”

  I felt tears prickling my eyelids. “I can’t forget. I will never forget what we had.” Just as I got my hopes up again, everything went up in flames. I was hurt. I knew he had a valid point—and that what I was suggesting was wrong—but my silly heart was deaf to reason. It still held hope.

  Hope made us strong, but even more strength was needed to give up on something we love and continue living our life. And that is exactly what we needed to do. We had no other choice.

  The door burst open, and students rushed in. Our eyes shot to them. I felt like we were just caught doing something inappropriate, even though nothing had happened. We put some distance between us, and Parker cleared his throat, saying, “If you need anything else, just ask.”

  I looked at him, and at the students, then nodded solemnly, and left the classroom. My heart was not only torn in little pieces, it crumbled into ashes. It had found a ray of hope, but dark clouds soon obscured it.

  ~ * ~

  A few days later, I s
at on my couch, staring at Parker’s phone number on my screen. I didn’t have the courage to delete it. Not after he’d said he wants to be with me. His number made me feel connected to him, and I didn’t want to lose that. While my heart had been falling apart, it had seemed like Parker didn’t have the same issue. In school, he had been completely cool, collected and professional. I felt his eyes burning into me on a couple of occasions, but I didn’t have the strength to return the look. I knew any eye contact would crush me. If he had been a regular guy, I could’ve talked about him with my friends, and asked for their advice, but my situation forbade me from telling anyone. I didn’t want to jeopardize Parker’s career, in case rumors about us started spreading. So, I kept my mouth shut. My sour mood worsened with each passing day. I hoped I’d be able to forget him sooner or later, or at least suppress my feelings for him, but I only found myself falling for him even harder. I couldn’t imagine having such strong feelings for someone. I yearned for his soft touches and craved his attention. My body starved for his kisses. I resisted the strong pull of my emotions, but it seemed like they just wouldn’t give up. I desperately needed for them to admit their defeat, so the ache in my chest would cease, and I could breathe again.

  The school dance was around the corner. Elias told me our school organized several events each year, so students could socialize and get to know each other better, and relax a little. I promised Elias I would come, but I wasn’t looking forward to the event. The only person I wanted to attend the dance with, couldn’t take me, and I wasn’t interested in anyone else. But, I gave Elias my word I’d be there, and I didn’t intend to break my promise.

  The front door swung open, and Mom walked in from work.

  “Hey, sweetie,” she said, a look of sheer exhaustion on her face. She placed her purse on the counter, put the keys inside, and joined me on the couch. She rested her legs on the coffee table, and let out a sigh of relief. “It’s so good to be home.” She closed her eyes.