Worthy of Love?

by J. Lea

  “Hard day at work?” I asked her. Mom worked herself to death at her new job, and my measly paycheck didn’t contribute much, but mom wouldn’t let me work more, as she wanted me focused on school.

  “It wasn’t that bad,” she said, but I knew she was lying. She left home at the crack of dawn, and came home when it was already dark outside. She attended countless meetings, and tried to comply with everyone’s wishes. I missed our old life, where everything was perfectly fine, when we were happy and had no worries.

  She placed a hand on my cheek. “You look a little tired. Are you okay?”

  I shrugged. I wanted to tell her about Parker so desperately; it was eating me alive. Tyler came out of his room. “Hey, Mom,” he muttered, stalked to the kitchen, and stuck his head into the fridge.

  “Are you hungry? Do you want me to make you something to eat?” Mom called. Tyler shook his head. “How is school? Are those boys still bothering you?”

  “Nope. So far so good,” he mumbled with his mouth full.

  “I’m glad,” Mom said, and leaned back on the rest of the couch. Tyler disappeared in his room.

  “Mom,” I started hesitantly, but couldn’t find the right words to continue when she looked at me.

  “What is it, sweetheart?”

  I didn’t know how to ask her. How to start. “I’m not sure how to put it…” I sighed. “What would you do if you really liked someone you can’t be with?”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Are you talking about a specific boy?”

  I nodded. “Well, he’s not a boy. He’s a man, older than me. But we can’t be together. Not yet, at least.”

  She studied my face for a while. “Lori, is the man you like, married? Is that why you can’t be together?” She sounded worried.

  “No, mom! God, how can you even think something like that? Eww!”

  “I’m sorry, but you sounded so cryptic when you asked me. I couldn’t help but to think that. Does he have a girlfriend then?”

  “No. I don’t know.” Maybe he found a girlfriend in between.

  “What then?”

  “I don’t know,” I threw my hands in the air.

  “Okay, you got me a little confused. I don’t know if it helps you any, but I’ll tell a little story. Before your father and I started dating, I was in love with him for a year, but he didn’t seem to notice me. I didn’t know how to change that. I kept trying to get his attention but nothing helped. And I’m going to tell you what my mother, your grandma, said when I asked her for a piece of advice. She said, “Erin, a girl should be like a butterfly: pretty to look at, and hard to catch.”

  “What did she mean by that?”

  “She wanted to tell me I shouldn’t chase after him. I pursued him too aggressively, which didn’t sit well with him. When I started a different tactic, and practically ignored him for a while, he asked me out.”

  I nodded because it was the only thing I could do. Her advice was good, but it didn’t work in my case, since it wasn’t about Parker not wanting me; it was so much more than that. And I couldn’t tell that to my mom. I thanked her for listening to me, grabbed a quick shower, then went to sleep.

  ~ * ~

  The day of the high school dance was here. The theme of our dance was Indians and Cowboys, which worked out great for me. I loved denim, and I had plenty of plaid shirts in my closet. Elias looked good, like a young Clint Eastwood who just stepped out of one of his westerns. He even had a fake cigar. “You look great,” I told him when I lined the bottom line of his eyes, which made them stand out. He looked very robust with a beard he grew especially for this event. He hadn’t shaved in almost a week, and this look suited him well. He appeared older, more mature.

  “Girl, you don’t look so bad yourself.” I chose a low-rise, light blue jean skirt for me to wear. I also had on a tight brown and white plaid button-up shirt that showed my cleavage. I left the bottom three buttons undone, so I could tie it in a knot high on my waist. A brown belt with a big buckle completed my look, along with a cowboy hat we found in my mom’s closet, and real cowboy boots.

  He studied me for a moment, and then directed his eyes to mine. “Why didn’t we ever hook up? We’d be great as a couple,” he said with a raised eyebrow.

  I punched him in the arm. “Don’t be crazy, we’d get into a fight the first day. Besides, I couldn’t stand for my boyfriend to have prettier nails than me. That would be outrageous,” I exclaimed dramatically. We laughed at that, since we both knew I was right. Elias was like a brother to me, and I wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship. Yes, he was handsome, smart, funny and incredibly sweet, and he always had a horde of girls lusting after him. But there was no spark between us, like the spark that I always felt when I was with Parker.

  When we arrived at the school gym, it was already crowded with people. Hay bales lay in corners, stacked on top of each other. Hanging lanterns transformed the room into a magical setting, and the dim light created a romantic atmosphere. Wooden tables, set with big bowls of non-alcoholic punch, were placed around the room, and the dance floor in the middle was full of people, many wearing cowboy hats and tufts of feathers.

  From the corner of my eye, I saw Jon. Candy and some of her friends crowded him, and I felt a pang of pity for him. As if he knew Elias and I were watching him, he turned around. He gave us a wide grin when he noticed us, whispered something to the girls, and ran to us.

  “Damn, girl!” he exclaimed as he eyed my appearance. “Did I die? Because this must be heaven.” He nodded his head appreciatively.

  “Not you too, Jon. You are turning into Rick.”

  “I had to,” he chuckled. “But you really do look hot.”

  I smiled at his compliment. “Thank you, Jon. You make a handsome cowboy, too.”

  “Shall we dance, boys?” I asked them. I thought we could join Jon’s company, but they had something different in mind. They each grabbed my hand, and led me to the dance floor. One behind me, the other in front, they started moving with the music, and I stood frozen in place, watching them incredulously. Their moves were sexy and seductive. My astonishment didn’t last long; I let the music carry me away, and I moved with them, my hips swaying with the melody. I ran a hand through my hair carefully. First, I danced with Elias and Jon behind my back, and then I turned around to dance with Jon as well. I had a great time. For a while, I managed to put all my worries aside. I enjoyed Jon’s witty remarks and laughed at Elias’s jokes. Every now and then, we had to take a break so we could quench our thirst, and sweat poured down our faces and backs, but that didn’t stop us from dancing. After an hour, my legs were killing me. A lively country song blared from the speakers, so we jumped around and grinded our bodies together. Something propelled me to lift my gaze, and there he was, handsome as always. The sight of Parker surprised me so much I stopped in my tracks, and stared at him. It took me a while to remember I was on a dance floor, so I started swaying my hips, but my eyes were settled on Parker. I didn’t know he would attend the dance. The moment his eyes found mine was like magic. Like he owned me or something. Parker’s gaze never left mine, not even for a second. Goose bumps spread all over my body from the intensity of his stare, and I got even more flushed.

  “Guys, I’m gonna grab a drink. Be right back,” I yelled over my shoulder. They didn’t hesitate for a second; each grabbed a girl from the crowd, and continued dancing. Parker stood by the punch bowl when I approached him.

  “Hey,” I said out of breath.

  His jaw tightened, and his eyes looked hurt. “Hi,” he greeted back. He focused his stare to the dance floor.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m one of the five teachers that chaperoned this dance.”

  Oh, so he’s here against his will. I didn’t know why, but I held a smidgeon of hope he was there because of me. Before I saw him, I didn’t even dare hope he would be here tonight, but now that he was standing beside me, I couldn’t tear my eyes off him. I thought Elias was hot in his
cowboy costume, but he faded in comparison with Parker. All of the teachers were dressed according to the dance dress code, but Parker stood out from the rest. Maybe I was the only one who thought that, but he really was incredibly handsome.

  “Are you having fun?” he asked me.

  “Yes, actually, I am.”

  He nodded, and I could see his teeth grind together. I felt the tension between us, but there was nothing I could do about it. If I lost control even for a second, I would fling myself at him, and kiss him senseless, right in front of the whole school. “I have to go to the restroom,” I said, and hurried past him as if my feet were on fire. His hold on me was unbelievable. I wanted him more than I wanted my next breath. I would be willing to give up breathing for just one last kiss. But, since I knew it wouldn’t be smart, I ran to the restroom instead.

  I closed the door of the locker room behind me, leaned on it, and took a deep breath. The locker room was empty, and I could hear the distant music coming from the gym. I shut my eyes. I tried to forget him, I really did, but he just wouldn’t leave my thoughts. How could the only man who made my heart beat faster, who made me want to open up and reveal all my ugly secrets, be forbidden? God, I wanted to scream.

  Pushing away from the door, I walked to the lockers. Suddenly, the door flew open. I spun around, and saw Parker standing on the doorway. He closed the door, and turned the key in the lock, then slowly walked toward me. I instinctively took a step back, but the wall behind me stopped me. Standing right in front of me, his eyes were determined, full of fire.

  “What are you doing here? You can get us in a lot of trouble.” I looked around to make sure we really were the only two people in the room.

  “I can’t think straight. I can’t concentrate.” He stood so close to me I could feel his breath on my lips.

  I swallowed. “What does that have to do with me?” I demanded quietly.

  “Everything!” He raised his voice, and threw his hands in the air. “Damn it, Lori. What did you do to me? I can’t stop thinking about you, your beautiful eyes, and your sarcastic remarks. I can’t get your voice and the sound of your laughter out of my head. I can’t forget your sweet lips. They taste so good.”

  “Please, stop,” I begged him, my eyes to the ground. I was on the brink of tears. It was already so difficult for me; I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t touch him or think about his kisses. Him admitting the same was just pouring gasoline onto the flames.

  “I want you, but I know I can’t have you.” Parker placed his index and middle finger under my chin, and tipped it up so I looked him in the eyes. His eyes were burning into mine. My eyes kept jumping from his eyes to his lips and back again. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. A tear slid down my cheek. I could hear the pounding of my heart in my chest. He leaned his forehead against mine, his thumb touching my lower lip, before he pulled it down. My breathing was shallow. He was so close to me, yet so far away. I desperately wanted to kiss him.

  “Fuck the rules,” he muttered, and grabbed my hips with his strong hands. In the next instant, I felt his full lips on mine. It was as if he brought me back to life, as if I hadn’t existed before that moment. When I parted my lips, his tongue easily found its way inside my mouth, and met with mine. Everything around me came to a stop. The feeling was incredible, indescribable. It was as if only he and I existed in this world, I could stay in that moment forever. His heart was beating fast, as I placed my hand on his chest. I could feel a ripped body underneath that shirt, which made me even more curious on how he looked like underneath all those clothes. His tongue hungrily tasted me, devouring me, and his big, warm hands slowly moved up the bare skin of my stomach, leaving goose bumps behind its trail. A loud moan left his mouth in between the kisses.

  “Parker, is this a dream?”

  “No, honey, it’s really happening.”

  “I’m afraid to open my eyes because I’m scared you won’t be here when I do. I’m afraid this is only a dream.”

  He stilled, and his kisses stopped. “Open your eyes,” he demanded. I shook my head. “Open your eyes, honey.”

  Slowly, I opened them. Parker was smiling at me, caressing my cheek with his thumb.

  “I’m here, with you.”

  “It all seems so unreal. I’ve dreamed about this moment for so long.”

  “Me, too. And it’s better than I could’ve ever imagined.”

  His skillful hands undid the tie and started unbuttoning my shirt. His fingers moved over the lacy material covering my breasts. He lowered his head to my throat. I tilted my head back, and let his lips trail kisses on my heated skin. My breathing was fast and deep; I wanted him all over me. I’d waited so long to finally feel the glorious touch of his lips.

  “Parker…” I moaned when his mouth moved to my chest. “What if we get caught?” I was surprised I was even able to form full sentences.

  “I locked the door,” he mumbled against my skin. He pushed the strap of my bra down, and kissed my shoulder. His hands were roaming my body like he couldn’t get enough of me. “You’re so soft, so sweet,” he breathed before his lips descended on mine. My whole body was on fire.

  Suddenly, a knock on the door caught my attention. I snapped my eyes open and straightened.

  “Somebody’s knocking,” I whispered, but he ignored me and kept kissing me.

  “They’ll go away,” he mumbled.

  “Parker, we’re in school, there are hundreds of people in the gym.”

  His eyes met mine. It was as if a light suddenly went on in his head, and he remembered where we were. “Shit.” He rubbed his face, and then scratched the back of his head.

  “Is someone in there? Open the door, I need to use the bathroom,” we heard a woman call.

  “What do we do?” I whisper-yelled in panic.

  “Calm down. Go to the toilet, and I’ll go unlock the door. It will look like I was using the bathroom, and automatically locked the door behind me. You wait a few minutes, and then come out.”

  “Wouldn’t it be better if I unlocked the door? It would seem weird if she saw me in the toilet after she saw you opening the door. And she won’t go to the men’s toilet.”

  “Okay,” he nodded and kissed me.

  As soon as he was out of sight, I fixed my clothes, took a deep breath, and unlocked the door.

  “I’m sorry, apparently I locked this door, too,” I explained to my classmate who was standing at the door, shifting from one foot to another. Giving her a soft smile, I exited the locker room. My heart was beating frantically. I prayed we wouldn’t get caught, but on the other side, I was still under the spell of Parker’s kisses.

  “Lori, I thought you’d left, “ Elias gave me a sideways look when I returned to the gym.

  “I’m sorry, I just needed some fresh air,” I lied. I was certain what I'd been doing earlier was stamped on my forehead with big bold letters. I wasn’t a hard person to read. But Elias surprisingly didn’t notice.

  “Okay. Care to dance some more?” he smiled at me.

  “I could never say no to you,” I winked at him.

  Even though I danced with Elias, I couldn’t look away from Parker. He stood in the same spot as earlier, watching me intently. He was sipping his drink from a cup and chatting with one of his colleagues. At least it seemed that way; I could see he wasn’t listening to a word she said. I kept wondering: What now? Will we continue where we left off, or will he come to his senses and realize he made a mistake? I wasn’t willing to give him up anymore, not after what he awakened inside me in the middle of that locker room. I wanted more, much more.

  “You seem kind of jolly,” Elias noticed my good mood.

  “I’m having fun,” I said. Which wasn’t a lie. Ever since I’d felt Parker’s lips on mine again, I couldn’t stop smiling. I twirled around the dance floor, and bumped into no one other than Rick.

  “Whoops, I’m sorry,” I giggled. It was as if I were drunk, drunk with happiness.

  “You miss
ed me, admit it,” Rick crushed me to him, and then he lifted me by my waist, and spun me around.

  “Rick,” I laughingly smacked his shoulder. “What are you doing here? This is a school dance. You’re way too old to be here. And let me go, I’m dizzy,” I giggled as he ignored me, and spun me around some more.

  “Not until you admit you missed me.”

  “Fine, I missed you! Now, put me down.”

  “You weren’t convincing enough.” He spun me in a circle again.

  “Put her down,” I heard Parker’s sharp, demanding voice.

  Rick dropped me to the ground when he saw Parker’s murderous gaze. “We were just having fun, weren’t we, Lori?”

  “Yes,” I nodded.

  “Have fun someplace else, this is a school dance. It’s obvious you don’t belong here.” Parker turned to look at me, and I swallowed thickly. He was right, but he didn’t have to be so rude. He escorted Rick to the door, and Elias and I followed suit. Parker told Rick not to return, and then he went back into the gym, pissed.

  “What was that all about?” Elias remarked. “He looked furious,” he said to Rick.

  “I have no idea, man. I just came by to say hi to you guys. Your teachers are way too uptight.”

  “What are you doing here anyway?” Elias interrogated him.

  “I have a date.” Rick wiggled his eyebrows. “With one of your schoolmates.”

  Elias rolled his eyes at him. “Couldn’t you meet her any other day?”

  “And miss all this? Dream on, man.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  February 2012

  15 years old

  It’d been a year since we reported Coach Briggs to police, and today was finally the day of the trial. I couldn’t believe it could take so long; I was certain he’d be in prison by now.

  I trembled like a leaf. I was been told I wouldn’t have to face Briggs, and that the evidence was strong enough to put him behind bars without my testimony. My notebook and my statement should do. Sharing intimate details of my encounters with Coach over the last several months was a terrifying experience, and all those memories I kept locked in a cage in my head surfaced again. Memories of that touch that inspired horror in me, and kisses that made me sick to my stomach, were out on the open. Coach Briggs inflicted a wound that will take my whole life to heal. I had terrible nightmares every night. I saw his face, felt his touches, tasted his slobbery kisses, and I woke up screaming, sweaty and frightened to death, as he always went further than kissing and touching me. I was terrified to go to sleep at night.