Steeling My Haart

by Lizzy Roberts

  “Em, I’m so worried. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t get to the bottom of this entire going on. I love him so much, but I think we’re just drifting apart. I don’t know whether it’s the kids that have changed things or what, but I was so absorbed with Adie when she was born that things just started slipping. Then when I found out I was pregnant with Leo something seemed to just snap with him. What am I going to do?” Her voice broke as she burst into wracking sobs. Emma grabbed her tight and engulfed her in a hug.

  “Shhh, Lil, it will all be okay.” She soothed, rocking her and rubbing her back. “You need to sort this out, hun, you really do, but I’m worried about you. Are you sure you don’t want to stay here tonight? I’ll ring him and maybe if you can get a decent night’s sleep things won’t feel so bad.”

  “No. He’s working again all weekend,” she sniffed, wiping her hand across her nose. Throwing her arm around Lily’s shoulders, Emma led her across the large open living room and to the breakfast bar. She handed her a box of tissues before heading to the fridge and popping open a bottle of wine. She poured two glasses and joined Lily, who was very ungracefully blowing her nose.

  “It’s been like this for months now – him working all day, every day, and it seems like he’s doing everything he can to be away from us. I should have said something sooner, but I hate to dump on you. I feel if I don’t tackle it he’ll just walk away completely.” She paused and sniffed loudly. “He’s so detached. And when we do talk, or even attempt to, the kids seem to always need attention and he doesn’t like it. And he was the one who begged me to keep Adie when I found out I was pregnant and now look…” she halted, gulping back almost the entire glass of wine as she did. “I don’t regret having the kids for one minute. They are so precious, but I wonder if they just came at the wrong time for us…” She gulped back the rest of her glass of wine and reached for the bottle as she finished speaking.

  “Hey, slow down a bit there, Lil, you want to be sober enough to have that conversation. And much as I’d love to offer you some pearls of relationship and parenting wisdom, I am the worst one to be coming to for advice, as you well know. My disaster of a personal life speaks for itself.” She laughed bitterly more to herself than anyone but glancing back at her friend crumbling in front of her, she softened. “Look, talking is good and hopefully you can get somewhere with him tonight. If not, you know you can come back here. In fact I’ll make up the second bedroom for you anyway. I am sure I will be fine with the kids,” she really laughed at her own comment this time, “and if not I’ll just holler, but promise me you’ll text me later and let me know how you get on?”

  “Thanks, Em, and I know you stink at relationship advice,” her mouth cocked slightly at her remark, “and yes of course I will let you know how we get on. I just had no one to turn to. It’s times like this I miss my mom and dad so much.”

  Both had been victims of a tragic skiing accident, killed during a massive avalanche the year after Lily started college. She was pretty well alone in the world now apart from Emma and Gary.

  “I know, hun, I know, but you have me for what I’m worth and we will get you through this. Now, I hope you’ve left me detailed instructions on how to operate your kids. If not, this is going to be one interesting night.” Lily finally cracked a smile and they both eventually dissolved in to giggles at Emma’s remark. After several minutes, Lily regained enough composure to be able to give out an all too brief lesson in parenting.

  Too quickly for Emma’s liking, Lily was dishing out hugs and kisses to Adie and quietly checking on a still sleeping Leo then announcing she leaving. All of a sudden first time babysitting nerves were kicking in.

  “Em, honestly you will be fine. You have our cell numbers and the details of the pediatrician’s office in case you have any issues, which I am positive you won’t. I’ve written the important stuff down for you in the blue notebook, which I left in the diaper bag. Leo is no worse than Adie was, and you kept her a few times as a baby. Just remember to change Leo’s diapers and give him milk and you’ll be fine. Adie will tell you what she wants, but don’t take any ‘little miss attitude’ from her. I’ll be back in the morning for them. Just enjoy yourself and wish me luck.”

  Not reassured any, she reluctantly waved her edgy-looking friend farewell and headed back to the apartment, not at all prepared for a night all alone with the two little guests she now had.

  After quickly checking on a still quiet Adie, who seemed to be engrossed in some hideous cartoon crap on the television, she went to get changed. It took all of five minutes to fling on a pair of yoga pants and a tank top, and pay a visit to the bathroom. Leo was still fast asleep in the stroller as she slithered past him and back to the vast living area. Everything was still quiet, almost too quiet and it took Emma a couple of seconds to register that Adie had vanished from the sofa.

  Slight panic crept up to her throat as she quietly yelled, “Adie, sweetheart, where are you?” She heard a quiet giggling coming from the kitchen behind her. She hurried over and found a sniggering Adie in the middle of a white cloud. The polished dark wood flooring of her kitchen, along with a now laughing Adie, was entirely covered in what suspiciously looked like flaked coconut and flour.

  “Look, Auntie Em, it’s snowing in your kitchen!” she squealed out so loud that in the same moment Emma heard a loud cry erupting from the hallway. Laughter at the unbelievable scene that had unfolded in her kitchen bubbled up her chest as she quickly surveyed Adie and the disaster zone that used to be her kitchen.

  Taking Adie by the hand, Emma was still chuckling as she hurried down to the now wailing baby and lifted him gently out of the stroller. Adie cheerfully sang “It’s snowing in the kitchen, it’s snowing in the kitchen.”

  Lily had set up the stroller with the bassinet attachment so it was okay for the baby to sleep in overnight. As she lifted him out, Adie decided to throw a handful of ‘snow’ she had brought with her from the kitchen into the stroller just as Leo decided to spit up all over. Within seconds, the baby and his bed had become a congealed mess of flour, coconut and vomit.

  “Okay, guys, let’s get cleaned up, shall we?” she snorted, barely containing her laughter, as she grabbed the diaper bag from the stroller and headed to her bathroom. She began to run a warm bath and placing Leo gently down on a towel on the floor she found the kids’ toiletries in the bag.

  Adie was still singing “It’s snowing in the kitchen,” at the top of her voice and Emma then realized that for the first time since she had moved into her apartment, the noise and especially the mess made the place feel like home. Until then, it had been a clinically tidy space she had existed in, but Adie and Leo had made it feel lived in, even in the short time they had been here. Even though the place was in a total state, her heart was beginning to beat in her chest again and the love for these two kids flowed from her.

  Thankfully, undressing and actually bathing the kids wasn’t too far beyond her limited skills, despite her initial worry. She had to admit she was thoroughly enjoying the distraction to her otherwise boring routine. Within half an hour, both kids were clean and ready for sleep. She then found a good supply of readymade formula along with pre packed teats in the handy bag. Lily had thankfully left detailed instructions as to how to put them together and she managed to warm Leo some milk after negotiating the still ‘snow’ filled kitchen.

  Within the hour, she was curled up in her bed with both of the tiny forms asleep on her, and she took a moment to watch them. She was in awe at how perfect such innocent, tiny beings could be. For the first time in a long time she felt a profound kind of serenity washing over her as she watched both of them sleeping. Then as her mind drifted, something inside her slowly broke.

  This scene could have so easily been her and Charlie and their beautiful child. The melancholy she felt earlier washed over her as she tucked Adie in on a mattress on the floor of her room. Wrapping the sleeping baby in a cozy blanket, she decided to carry Leo out an
d let him sleep on her thick rug surrounded by pillows. As she laid him down and covered him with more blankets, her stomach growled. As she stood to head for the food she had bought earlier, her cell phone pinged, indicating a message arriving. She headed to the main door of the apartment and found her bags still lying on the floor where she had thrown them when she came in, along with her now cold chicken and avocado salad.

  She quickly located her phone from her purse and saw a new message flashing.

  LILY: He’s home and we’re okay. Hope you’re surviving? Thanks for this, Em. I owe you one. I’ll text later x

  She was slightly relieved at the message and although it didn’t give much away, it was enough to let her know the evening was going reasonably well. Shooting a quick text back reassuring her that the kids were fine and asleep, she then turned to tackle the clean-up of her kitchen.

  When she finally had a chance to check the time it was already approaching ten pm and Emma was exhausted. The kids were still asleep, and her kitchen was sparkling. She reached for her salad box and when she opened it the limp lettuce and cold chicken didn’t look appetizing at all. Throwing it in the trash, she headed back to the main living area to relax on the large, overstuffed brown sofa, when she suddenly remembered the Blaze’s Bake cupcake that Bobby had slipped into her bag. It was too late for a large meal, but never too late for a cupcake. She grabbed the bag and refilled her wine glass before heading back to the sofa. Turning on her music dock, she selected some easy listening tunes on low in the background. She reached for her laptop and set about working on drafting applications for Bruce and a few other clients.

  A couple of hours later, Emma’s eyes started to droop and Leo woke again ready for more milk. She quietly warmed him some more and with a final diaper change she took them both to bed. Sleep came quickly for them all.

  Chapter Seven

  Emma felt like she had barely slept when at five-thirty Adie was jumping on her and Leo, and the day had begun. How the hell Lily could do this every day, she didn’t know. Groggily she got up and threw on a pair of sweat pants and a vest and took the kids out in to the main living area to get them breakfast. Regretting both the wine and the late night, she went through the motions of making Adie toast and Leo his milk. After changing his diaper again, she brewed herself a coffee.

  She loved the kids so much, and she had to admit, they hadn’t actually been too troublesome. Emma was beginning to question her well-ordered life again. This was something that she could see in her future, she was twenty-eight and the thought of this being her future life was a really warmed her heart. Sitting at the breakfast bar with Adie and Leo sitting happily in the small travel chair Emma had found, she started to daydream about how all those years ago this was very nearly the life she had. It should have been her and Charlie here with their beautiful child and the sleepless nights and fun packed days. Instead she was lonely and her none existent love life was depressing. She was still too hung up on proving the point that she was fine on her own with just her career. Sure, she had her share of casual flings from time-to-time but as soon as a guy decided to get more serious, she bolted. She had never found anyone with whom she shared the same instant connection that she had with Charlie. Nor that special someone with whom she could see herself settling. There was no one in her life that could replace him, and until she found that connection again, she had long ago resigned herself to making the most of her current situation.

  After a couple of hours of dressing up and playing princesses with Adie, she was exhausted. Her nails had been painted every color of the rainbow. Her hair was now being styled into yet another ponytail by the over excited little girl. As she was treated to the full princess makeover she still managed to have some fun giggling and playing with Leo on his play mat. These kids had been a delight to have and had brought a ray of brilliant sunshine that weekend into her monotonous life. As Adie prepared to put another clip her hair, the buzzer for the apartment sounded.

  Checking the baby was secured in his chair and Adie was under firm instructions to stay put, she darted down to the door. She wondered who was calling at this early hour. She wasn’t expecting Lily until at least lunchtime yet it wasn’t beyond the realms of possibility she may be early. Emma was stunned to see George in the corridor, clutching an M’s Place bag. She buzzed him in to her apartment and greeted him at the door.

  “George, to what do I owe this pleasure?” It wasn’t the first time that he had personally been round to her place to deliver her food, but certainly the first early morning call she had taken, and an unexpected one at that.

  “Well, Miss Emma, a lovely person came a callin’ on their way home last night and ordered me to drop this off for you in the mornin’. I was told to come early Miss but I know you need your rest an’ all after your busy week.” Assuming that Lily had sent George she was immediately touched by her friends’ generosity as she gratefully took the large pumpkin spiced latte and bag George was holding out to her.

  “Oh, George, thank you so much. I have had Lily’s kids overnight so I have been up for hours, but this is certainly a welcome treat.” The smile on her face said it all.

  “Well, Miss Emma, I won’t keep you from your duty. And hope you enjoy your breakfast. I slipped a couple of your favorites in there, too. I’ll be seein’ you. The diner won’t run itself.” He chuckled and with a wave and a smile he was gone.

  She was smiling as she wandered back to her small guests, but she immediately noticed it had gone a little too quiet for her comfort. Kicking herself for being too trusting with the cheeky three year old, she quickly glanced around the room. She was horrified to find Adie drawing all over a giggling Leo with what appeared to be a felt pen. On closer inspection, her heart dropped to her stomach as she realized it was, in fact, a thick black permanent marker. The baby was covered from head to foot in thick black permanent scribbles and a very pleased Adie looked at her with wide eyes.

  “Doesn’t Leo look pwetty, Auntie Em? Look he’s got ‘piders and bugs all over his ‘jamas!” she announced proudly.

  Trying, but failing miserably, to contain yet another round of giggles, she replied, “Oh Ad, he looks… covered. What have you done that for, sweety?”

  “’Cause he looked boring, Auntie Em, and he wikes his bugs! Look! He’s smiling at me!” she said.

  The pride in her innocent eyes melted Emma to the core until she realized she had no clue how to clean permanent marker from a delicate child’s skin. In one swift movement she managed to confiscate the offending pen from Adie’s clutches. Grabbing her laptop she immediately searched the Internet for advice. Reaching for the television remote, she quickly found a cartoon channel to occupy one fidgeting three year old and set about trying to figure out how she was going to explain this to Lily when she got there. Thankfully, it took her all of two minutes to figure that baby wipes and the baby oil from the diaper bag would work. Within a few minutes, both kids were ink free and changed.

  The rest of the morning flew by in a haze of trying to entertain a restless Adie and seeing to Leo. They danced, sang, and drew pictures, using pencils and paper this time, and even attempted to bake a batch of pretty dodgy looking cookies. By the time the buzzer to the apartment sounded a second time, signaling Lily’s arrival, Emma was almost ready to flop.

  “Lil, thank God you’re here! I’m exhausted.” The words just spilled from her mouth as she took her friend in a warm embrace. Lily looked so much better than she had the night before and the dull eyes, dark circles and messy hair had been replaced by a much more presentable front. Still, there was something about the lack of sparkle in her eyes and the thick layer of makeup she appeared to be wearing that concerned her. Emma was sure Lily was trying to put on a front and it wasn’t quite as convincing as it could have been.

  “Em, thank you for this. I feel so much better. We cleared the air last night and Gary filled me in on a lot of stuff. I’m just hoping this means we can go forward and be happy. He told me everythin
g last night but I won’t bore you with details. I understand more about his new job and what prospects he might have, and I feel a whole lot better.” Lily was being a bit cagey about telling her too much but he guessed she would share more in time. “Now where are my kids? I’ve missed them so much.” Lily hollered cheerfully to her two children as she walked quickly into the main room.

  The delighted squeals of Adie and the happy cooing of the baby suggested that the kids were as happy to see their mom back as she was to see them.

  “So, Adie, have you been a good girl for Auntie Em?” Lily asked between the showers of kisses she was raining on Adie’s beaming face.

  “Yes, Mommy, I’ve been weeeely good for Auntie Em. We made snow all over the kitchen and I drew all over Leo and I’ve pwayed pwincesses, too!” The excitement was almost bursting from her little mouth as she spoke.

  “Do I ask?” Lily turned to Emma with a huge grin on her face.

  “Best you don’t, I think! But we did have fun, and honestly, I think I’ve needed the distraction. I haven’t ever had as much fun on a Saturday morning as I have today. Oh, and thanks for the drink delivery this morning, too. I really appreciated that.”

  Looking up at her quizzically, her friend replied, “What delivery?”

  “You know, the latte and cupcakes you sent from M’s Place?”

  “Ohh, Em, I never sent those.” Lily’s eyes lit up and she grinned widely and winked. “I wonder if you have a secret admired, then!”

  “Oh…” was all Emma could muster in reply, and mentally taking note to ask George later who had ordered the delivery.

  After a couple of hours of mindless chat with Emma filling Lily in on her trip to Vegas that next week, it was time for them all to leave. Once they had packed up the last of the kids’ stuff, Lily and the kids said their goodbyes. They all headed down to the lobby arriving just as a cab pulled up to the door. After a round of hugs and kisses from Adie she waved them off and headed back to her apartment. Emma was once again alone and actually appreciating the peace and quiet. Still slightly concerned, Emma vowed to have a long chat with Lily after her trip to Vegas next week. For now, she had a pile of paperwork to get through if she had any chance of going on the trip.