Fast Time

by Shey Stahl

  “It makes sense, Lil.” I brushed the hair from her face as we sat on the dock back at our house, talking and then talking some more. Anything to get us through this. It seemed for so long we’d avoided talking, and now it’d been five hours and we were still talking. “You don’t have to keep explaining it to me.”

  “I do have to explain. I do…because I let you believe it was you and it never was. If I would have just been there with you, and let you help me, it wouldn’t have been so hard. But I think it needed to be hard for me to understand what was happening and how this changed me so completely that I’m not the girl you married. I’m not the girl you grew up with. Losing a child does that to you. Makes you feel differently.”

  She was right. It did. It took you to a very dark place and left you there. Made you find your own way out. Some never did. I wasn’t even sure we had completely clawed our way out of the dark, but at least we saw the light now, even if it was just a sliver.

  “Trying to fix us was killing me,” I admitted, needing to get that out. “Instead of trying to love you through it, I was trying to hold you together.”

  But she made me think about things. How could we have talked back then when neither one of us understood the pain. We just knew we felt it and how consuming it was to us.

  Her tear-filled reddened eyes met mine. “I’ve been seeing a counsellor once a week and going to church every Sunday with the boys.”

  “Yeah, Jonah told me about that.” And then a memory made me smile, the one of Jonah talking endlessly about Jesus and his theories on religion. “He kept talking about how Jesus died in the crosswalk and I couldn’t figure out what he was saying.”

  Lily laughed, the sound almost musical. “He doesn’t quite understand it all, but he says he sees Jack in his dreams.” And then she paused, watching my reaction to what she was about to say. “We’d like it if you’d come sometime.”

  I nodded. “I’d like that.”

  I didn’t grow up going to church, but only because my dad was racing most Sundays. I wasn’t opposed to going either.

  If it helped me understand a little more, I would go.

  Lily’s eyes drifted to our house, where our life happened, where we raised our boys. There was so much sadness shrouding our home that I understood her next statement.

  “I can’t live in this house anymore, Axel.”

  I nodded, feeling the same way.

  Lily was right. Even I couldn’t go back to our house. It didn’t feel like home anymore. We needed to make a new home, with new memories.

  It wasn’t that I wanted to forget him by any means, yet we needed a restart.

  I had a million memories of that house on Lake Norman, but for us, we needed to make a new one in a place with our family around.

  “We could build one by my parents,” I suggested, wondering what she would say to that and hoping she caught on that I was saying we. I wanted a we again.

  She chewed on her lip before nodding. “I would like that…but I feel like your parents are always going to look at me like I’m some kind of slut.”

  I frowned, hoping she didn’t think my parents were that superficial.

  “My dad said he saw you at the shop,” I said. “He sent me a text telling me you were coming to the cemetery.”

  “I knew he knew where you were.” Lily nodded, her eyes dropping to her hands resting in mine. “He didn’t seem happy with me.”

  “It’s not that. He’s just worried about me. He had to pick me up off my knees a lot these last few months.”

  “I didn’t mean to make everything worse.”

  “They know that. People make mistakes and they’re very forgiving.” Then I smiled. “Think about it, they had Casten as a child.”

  “I know.” She smiled at my weak joke. “I feel like I made the biggest one of all.”

  Lily had bared so much to me. I had to tell her about Olivia. Mostly because the last thing I wanted was for her to find out some other way. Like I did, or, if she hadn’t come to me and told me she was pregnant and someone else did, I probably would have been bent by that. Who was I kidding. I would have been pissed. “Lily, you weren’t the only one who made a mistake. I almost slept with Olivia.”

  “What does almost mean?”

  “Clothes were coming off and we made out. Then I stopped her before my jeans came off.”

  The news hit her suddenly, same with the tears. I reached out to hold her, and she let me. “I’m sorry. I was mad.”

  “I know,” was all she said, wiping away tears. I didn’t want her to cry anymore. I was tired of crying and sadness.

  I knew given what happened, there were just some parts of this that we weren’t going to be able to talk about right away. It hurt too much. The pain inside us was too deep. Some probably would have talked it all out, but we couldn’t, at least not right then.

  I heard someone once say that the day they lost someone close to them was the day they lost themselves. I could honestly say at times, I didn’t even know myself anymore.

  Who am I?

  Will I ever have me again?

  I knew one thing, that man I was before losing my son, was weak. This man, he was stronger. I’d been through hell and back and came out stronger on the other side, but not from my own will alone, but from my beliefs, my faith, and my family.

  I never wanted our marriage to fail.

  I certainly didn’t because it meant I failed at something and that never sat well with me.

  When tragedy distanced that love we’d created, I began to wonder if it was even strong enough to withstand the challenge to begin with.

  And when it didn’t survive, I’d looked at myself and wondered if it was something I‘d done.

  I never thought Lily would have asked me for a divorce. It foolishly never crossed my mind. I thought because she was someone I’d known all my life, that I knew her that well.

  What I didn’t see was that by going back to racing, I’d hurt her, made her believe her demand for me to quit meant nothing.

  It wasn’t that at all.

  I was angry that she didn’t love me enough to get through this.

  But for the first time since we lost Jack, I felt my heart beating, and I could feel hers, too.

  Lily

  Burn Out - Performed to heat the tires up for better traction. Also used in stock car racing, typically to celebrate a race win.

  AXEL AND I MUST HAVE sat on that dock talking for hours when he saw me yawn. “You want to go to bed?”

  I could tell he didn’t mean with him, just asking if I was tired. We were a long way off that, but with my hormones and how good he looked, the thought to attack him crossed my mind once or twice. “I wasn’t sure how today would go so I have a hotel room in town.”

  Axel nodded, his stare on the house. “Okay.”

  “Would you want to get some dinner and maybe come back there with me? I don’t want to stay alone.”

  He thought about it for a moment and then gave a nod up the dock. “Okay.”

  We did just that. We bought dinner at his parents’ restaurant, which he ordered to go since I didn’t want to go inside, and ate it back at my hotel room. He asked a lot about the baby, and the boys, where they were, when he could see them. Talking to him seemed so much easier than before. Had the distance really done that much for us?

  We fell asleep around midnight, me in the bed and Axel on the floor. At around three, he woke up and paced the room. Immediately, I was awake. “What’s wrong?”

  He stopped, the muscles in his bare chest flexing from his heavy breaths. “Are you leaving in the morning? Like tomorrow? Are you leaving me again?”

  “Well, I gotta get the boys and bring them home, but leaving you…no…I wasn’t planning on it. I thought…” I began to stumble over my words. “I thought we talked about things, agreed to try to work on it.”

  “I know.” He nodded and stood in front of me. Kneeling down to my level, he cupped my cheek. “I don’t want to thi
nk this will work if you’re just going to leave. I miss you, Lily. I miss my boys. I miss Jack. I can’t do this without you guys.” He started sobbing, tearless sobs as his body shook against the side of the mattress.

  He still hadn’t cried that I knew of. For a while, it made me mad.

  The problem was he couldn’t. That night in Florida when I cheated on him, he cried, only he didn’t know it yet. There were times when something hurts so badly tears wouldn’t even come. Emotionally you’re crying, fuck, you’re dying inside and hurting so badly that your only option is stone faced and shaking, but no tears.

  “I’m here,” I assured him grabbing him by the shoulders to make him lie in bed with me, wanting to do anything I could to comfort him and let him know I wasn’t giving up on him again. Not ever. We were in this together.

  Axel

  Driving Away - This is when a driver is pulling away from the field with little challenge from anyone else in the race.

  I WON ONE NIGHT in Charlotte at the World Finals but still, I had that championship already won going into it.

  A week later, I was officially being crowned the champion at our awards banquet.

  And I had to give a speech. An actual speech in front of everyone.

  My mom caught me that night behind the stage, ready to vomit. She laughed, as though it was entertaining, but when I looked panicked, she quickly stopped. “Just breathe in deep.” Her hands rubbed solicitously up and down my back. In the palm of her hand she held an iPad. “I want you to watch something.”

  Not fully understanding what she was talking about, I nodded and looked down at the video she’d pulled up. It was of my dad’s first championship speech when he fought all season long despite what happened to my mom that year. He proved to rise above it all and won the championship in his rookie season.

  Only one other driver in the history of the sport had ever done that.

  Turning my head, I looked at her wondering why she was showing me this video and why she was fast forwarding through most of it.

  “Watch this part here.” Her finger hit the white play button in the center

  Dad’s head was bowed, drawing in a deep, unsteady breath. It was then you could fully understand the vulnerability he tried to hide from everyone. “This season, after a very unfortunate event ...” He drew in another deep breath. “I set out determined to race the perfect season in an attempt to hide the pain I was feeling and prove that I could do it. Someone very special to me asked me to win, to be the kid she met when she was eleven. So for her, for myself, I put everything else aside. I put that anger, that resentment I felt into winning.” He looked down at his feet. “Sway ... my wife ...” Dad’s voice cracked when their eyes met. The camera panned out to my mom in a black dress, her hands rested on her stomach. She was pregnant with me. “Honey, you’ve been there for me since I was eleven, and I never really thought about what that really meant to me until Daytona. I never thought I would ever get here, but I did, because of you and my family. When I left home at seventeen to pursue my dream—everyone thought I was just some wide-eyed kid with an attitude, but I was far from that, because of you. Every time I’ve thought about quitting, it’s been you who has brought me back, showing me this is what I was meant to do. You are my best friend. All of this was for you, my beautiful girl. Thank you ... for everything.” Tears slipped down his cheeks as his hands fumbled with the podium. “I never thought the day would come when I could finally call you my wife...but that day did come, and I can honestly say you make me the happiest man alive. I love you.”

  When the applause began, I looked at my mom again. “Do you think he was nervous?”

  She raised her hand to cover her mouth, laughing. “He would never admit to it, but yes, very much so.”

  I had no idea what I was going to say to everyone.

  That was when my dad came back stage and handed me a note that had been crumbled to the point it was nearly unreadable. But I recognized the handwriting as his.

  Who am I on the outside? Am I a distant version or the same within when clay meets rubber?

  When the unforgiving sun and the blaring spotlight distance me, the version within is who people really see. Who I am, and what I do is a power that only I possess. I’ll be myself, and they will see that it was me all along racing on the edge.

  “What is this?” I held up the paper.

  “My first championship speech.” He shrugged. “I’m not saying you should say that…I just think it’s fitting for this situation…” His eyebrow raised, his right hand buried in the pocket of his black slacks, the other holding a beer. “When clay meets rubber, desire defines greatness.” Dad winked at mom, still beside me. “Come on honey, he needs a minute alone.”

  And then he walked off, his arm around mom, as if to leave me with those parting words.

  Desire defines greatness.

  How true that was. Standing, I folded the note in my pocket and watched my parent’s walk away. I thought about how much had changed this year and now here I was, getting ready to give a championship speech. Me. Axel Riley. I was finally a World of Outlaws champion.

  I could hear them introducing me on stage and my heart went crazy, beating erratically in my chest. On the screen they were playing a video Cole had made of my wins, me pulling slide jobs, dominating Eldora, working lapped traffic in Williams Grove and charging up through the inversion at Knoxville Nationals to win all four nights. My life this last year had been exactly like those races. From tacky tracks to the dry slick, it went from having grip to none at all. Where I had tons of grooves to choose from, I was left to wheel a tire-shredding monster with one line, one direction. For so long I ran the line I wanted refusing to move up the track to where the grip was. Sooner or later that wheel hop was just too much and I was forced to move up the track and find the line with the most grip. I ran a line so far up the cushion I could see the holes in the concrete wall knowing at any minute, just a fraction of an inch higher and that wall was going to bite hard.

  But I hung on and look where it got me. Walking on stage in front of a thousand people to receive the trophy I thought I’d never get.

  Despite barely holding it together, I looked up but didn’t focus on anyone when I got to the podium. I couldn’t. “It wasn’t just that I wanted to win a championship for me. Eight years ago I started racing with the Outlaws full time and by my side has been a man who in a lot of ways, was like a father figure to me. He had literally been at every race, with me. And every year I felt like I let him down a little.”

  My eyes landed solely on Tommy, he stared at me intently, and then I saw his chin shake and I nearly lost it. Memories flashed as I looked at him, thousands of them of him beside me for every quarter midget win, every midget and sprint car win and that first Outlaw win when I was eighteen at Knoxville. All memories where he was there supporting me. And then the harder ones, the memories of Tommy on a backboard because he threw himself in front of a sprint car trying to save my son.

  Emotional, Tommy nodded his head as if right then he was seeing everything, too.

  “All these guys, Tommy, Willie and Logan…they’re great. I felt like it was my job to go out there and win. I wanted to win for myself, for my family and everything I grew up wanting. But Tommy…” I smiled at him. “You deserves that crew chief of the year way more than anyone.” I smiled at Lane who was seated beside him, “Sorry man…” The crowd laughed as I brought lightness to the solidity of what I was saying. “There have been so many people in my life over the years that have got me to this point. My parents…my brother and sister…aunts, uncles, grandparents…my boys.” I paused, my eyes burning at the thought of Jack. I couldn’t bear to say his name. Not right now. Raising my stare from my trembling hands, I scanned the room to find Lily. She could feel my sharp eyes boring into her. Right then, her face was full of strength, shining with a steadfast and serene peace. Did she finally see what I wanted her to see? That I loved her through this all? “My wife…” My v
oice trembled, thick and unsteady, breaking after the word wife. “Thank you for being here tonight.” I wanted to say so much more to her but not now, not in front of all these people.

  I looked at my dad next, his arm around mom and I watched him, closely. What I saw was a man that knew a thing or two about devotion. Probably more than I would ever understand. All you had to do was take one look at my dad and see he’d had a rough life. He’d experienced sadness most hadn’t. But he’d also experience moments in his life that only some could ever dream were possible.

  “Thank you for everything you’ve given me, and everything you didn’t. The parts you made me work for. I’ve done a lot of things in my life.” Our eyes caught and he kept my stare for what I said next. “Some I wished I could take back. One thing is for certain, I’ll never regret the first time I put a helmet on and wanted to be just like you.”

  EVERY YEAR MY DAD threw a party for JAR Racing at the end of the year, usually the weekend before Thanksgiving. Mostly because he wanted to get it out the way and it was a time to celebrate the end of the season. This year, much like the last two, we had it at the restaurant, but it took place the night after the World of Outlaws banquet.

  After dinner, I watched my family, their faces still sad, but there were finally smiles. Last year, just months after Jack had passed away, the hurt and devastation in their eyes had been too much. The feel was nothing like that this year. Instead, laughter, teasing, and the normal insults were thrown at people and drinks were spilled. The sound of glasses clanking, beers raised, and speeches spontaneously bursting out of nowhere filled the space. It was like every other year.

  To my left, at the end of the large table were Rager and Easton, talking. You didn’t see Rager and Easton together often. And an even rarer sight, them sitting together drinking a beer.

  Nobody knew what to make of it, even Arie.