Fast Time

by Shey Stahl

We all wondered what they were saying to one another, though I imagined it was nothing in particular, probably racing.

  Rager had recently sat behind the wheel of an IndyCar. Not that he’d race them, but he had a friend who did and wanted that experience. My dad raced one when he was younger and said they were the most impressive cars he’d ever been behind the wheel of.

  Even I was curious about them.

  “Are they drunk?” I asked Arie, who was sitting across from Lily and I at the table, glaring down at them.

  Arie stared at her husband and Rager, puffy eyes and her hand on her swollen stomach. “Yes. Assholes. They know I can’t drink. It’s like they’re teasing me with tequila.”

  There was a story behind that stare she wasn’t sharing.

  Willie groaned, putting his arm around Arie. “She’s been so unreasonable since she got pregnant.”

  Dave leaned into my shoulder, taking a seat in the empty chair next to me and giving a nod at Arie. “Who do you think the father of those babies is?”

  Turned out ovulation medication was exactly what she needed. She kept the news of her twins a secret for a long time, but when she started showing, she caved over the summer and told everyone she was having twins. A boy and a girl.

  “Easton.” I gave him this weird look like he was crazy. When I looked at her, I couldn’t tell if being pregnant was something she wanted or not. And that was sad because I looked at my wife and couldn’t be happier that we were having another baby, despite how it happened.

  “Nah.” He motioned to Rager. “Look at the way he watches her. I think he’s the daddy.”

  I laughed, shaking my head. “Stop it.”

  About that time, Arie stood and went to talk to Easton. They exchanged a few words, a look I didn’t understand and they both walked out, his hand placed on the small of her back. Rager, reached for a bottle of whiskey in the middle of the table and snuck out the back door.

  Dave smiled. “See…somethings up.”

  MY HANDS WERE NEVER far from Lily that night. It felt good to have her back by my side and I didn’t want to let go. I had this draw to her that I couldn’t explain.

  We both loved Ed Sheeran, so when the song “Out Loud” came on, I took her hand in mine and kissed her palm. “Dance with me?”

  We hadn’t danced together since the last JAR Racing party where she started crying and walked out the door just a minute into the song. Yet there we were, at another JAR Racing party and the same song was playing.

  This time, we were going to try it again. Same song and everything.

  Lily gave me a tender smile. “Sure.”

  We both stood at the same time. Lane, who was beside me, winked at Lily, acting like he was checking her out, even though he wasn’t.

  Lily laughed lightly as I wrapped my arm in hers and led her to the dance floor. When we got to an open space, I brought her close with my left hand on her waist.

  Looking at her now, she was so beautiful. I couldn’t help but be captivated by her presence and undeniable beauty. This woman, though we’d been through hell and back, still held my heart in her hands. The past didn’t matter. I loved her more than I ever did for what she’d given me. Four beautiful children and more love than I could ever imagine possible.

  Looking at her now, I remembered something my grandpa once told me about finding the right girl. It was when I was asking him if I should ask Lily to marry me.

  “Let me put it to you this way kid. You know how when you slide into a corner and the back end seems to be coming around on you but that’s how you slide through and gain momentum, right?”

  “Yeah,” I must have given him the, “What the hell?” look when he smiled.

  “What gets you through the slide and out of the drift?”

  I shrugged. “Throttle control.”

  “There you go. The right girl, that’s like having the right amount of throttle control, once you figure out throttle control in any car, you can go faster than any other driver out there back n’ it in.”

  As we danced, the memory made me smile as Lily kept her eyes on mine and I noticed they were glistening with tears. I knew why and maybe it was out of happiness, but I knew for sure with her hold on me now, this time she wasn’t letting go and giving me throttle control.

  When I looked at Lily, holding her heart against mine, it seemed as though she could feel everything I was feeling in that moment. My feelings and thoughts were revealed, bare and insecure. She had power over me. But the girl, the one I’d loved over time, kept me going.

  “I’m proud of you,” Lily whispered over the music, soft and sweet. The significance those words held was beyond words. She’d asked me to quit, and I did for a race. Yet here she was telling me she was proud of me.

  “Are you glad I didn’t quit?” I had to ask. I was curious how she felt about me racing and winning the championship. Up until now, I hadn’t asked. And then I remember Florida and what she must have thought that day. “You know when you saw me holding that helmet in Barberville, I hadn’t gotten in the car. Dad handed it to me. That’s all.”

  Lily nodded. “I know…I’ll be honest…I was looking for an excuse back then.”

  When the song ended, Lily stared at me as she raised herself up and parted her lips over mine. Instinctively, my grip on her hips tightened and I drew her even closer, the bump on her belly preventing us from being as close as I wanted. It was evident then I wanted her.

  In the last month, since she had been back, we’d been working on things and sex wasn’t something we entertained. We decided it should come later, when we were finally able to deal with everything else in our relationship.

  Our lips knew one another, remembered the feeling of the other, and quickly sought a familiar rhythm. I knew I wanted more tonight. We needed more. The urgency was behind every kiss.

  It had been so long since I had been with Lily physically and the need was there. The need was present every day, but I knew after everything that had happened, this wasn’t something we could jump into. I wanted to take my time and show her what we had—what we had spent our entire lives creating—was worth it.

  Her eyes sparkled with the same sense of need when I kissed her slowly, the same need I had, but then she looked down at her hands and the bright blue nail polish she had on her nails.

  “I was beginning to think you didn’t...” Her words fell short and I knew why.

  What the two of us went through should have destroyed us. It should have put up a cushion so gnarly even a wheelman like my dad couldn’t get around it.

  “I do want that…” I smiled, kissing her once more. I drew back. “Should we go home?” My eyes darted around the room knowing this wasn’t the place for us to be making out like this.

  Lily nodded, her cheeks flushing with a tender glow. Lily stayed at the house with the boys and things seemed like they were back to normal. We were packing and getting things ready to move, but our house wouldn’t be done until March, so we were taking our time. And though we slept in the same bed, we hadn’t had sex yet.

  I raised my hands from her hips to cup her cheeks. “I’ll take good care of you, if you let me.”

  There was a lot behind that statement and she knew it. Her eyes pooled with tears, warming sky blue. “I know.”

  Dropping my hand to hers, I wrapped my left arm around her, leading her away from the dance floor. We passed by my parents on our way to the door, they smiled in understanding.

  I thought my dad might say something, a smartass remark about the champion leaving the party early, as I had to him in the past, but he didn’t.

  Once outside, a pulse of nerves hit me that we were about to be alone. Like really alone.

  Lily seemed to be thinking the same thing, her hands fidgeting as her heels clicked on the sidewalk. I wanted to ease her worries so I reached over and wrapped my arm around her, drawing her into my side. The action helped; her body relaxed. And then she looked up at me and a hundred memories of her came forwar
d. Ones I hadn’t remembered until now. Like the first time I kissed her. And not just any kiss, the one that had meaning and determination behind it.

  The first time we had sex and she’d cried.

  Us walking on the beach after we got married, hand in hand, knowing even though we were young, it didn’t matter; we loved each other.

  Our eyes were locked on one another, as if she was seeing these memories at that same time, experiencing those same feelings.

  LUCKILY FOR US, the drive home was short. Once inside our room, my hand circled the plumpness of her breast over the silky material of the black dress clinging to her every curve. Just the same, her shaking hands explored my chest, fumbling with my tie and loosening it.

  Moments like this, it was easy to see how nervous we both were and how natural that was given what we had been through.

  Capturing her lips again, I sighed, my eyes drifting closed. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  “Me, too,” she mumbled against my lips. “My whole body is trembling right now.”

  I knew the feeling. It felt a lot like the anticipation of the first time we were together when we were kids. I still remembered the neon light outside the hotel room window in Williams Grove and the way it lit up her face that night. She was beautiful and still was, breathtakingly so.

  My hands slipped off her shoulders and to her breasts, my mouth grazing her earlobe leaving my lips burning for more. Moving lower, down her chest, my tongue caressed her sensitive nipples, my hands sliding over her silken skin as I drew her nipple inside my mouth.

  She winced and I pulled back, remembering that when she was pregnant, her nipples were extra sensitive. Laughing, I raised an eyebrow drawing back. “Still the same, huh?”

  “Yeah.” She giggled, squirming back.

  I didn’t let her get away and reached for her hips, then dropped to my knees before her. My hands moved under her dress, skimming her thighs, and then crept higher up to the edges of her panties.

  I knew being with her physically wasn’t going to be easy. The first thing I thought about when she was completely naked was Shane. After Lily was with Shane, I obsessed over it. Made myself go crazy imagining every detail.

  But that image left quickly. The images were replaced with how much I wanted her and how much we needed each other.

  By the shaking in her hands on my shoulders, I knew she felt that same way.

  Gently, I eased my girl down onto the bed, taking my time, my hands cradling her head. Laid upon a sea of white, I covered her body with mine. I wanted to take this slowly, to show her just how much I’d missed her, so I started by kissing her shoulders, the tops of her breast, then higher, to the arch in her neck. Lily grew impatient quickly, and squirmed again. “Axel…” Her neck arched, revealing more tempting skin for the taking. “Please…”

  She didn’t need to beg, but I also didn’t mind. “Please what?”

  “Make love to me.” Though we have been together our entire lives, it felt so unfamiliar to me. Nothing compared to the feeling of being with her. Nothing.

  My mouth welded to hers, our kisses intensifying. My mouth moved frantically from her ear to her neck and down to her collarbone, then returning urgently to her lips again as if I needed her breath to breathe. Moving against her with more need than I’d ever felt in the past, I couldn’t get close enough.

  Supported by my left hand, I reached between us to position myself at her entrance. She was soaking wet and I slid right in with ease. We both gasped as our naked bodies joined, became one, but still careful of her condition. Her body melted into mine, the pleasure as pure as the first time, and just as explosive.

  When I didn’t move, she squirmed underneath me, eager for this to continue. Drawing in a deep breath, I moved, tucking her curves into mine. A low tormented groan emitted from deep within the moment I felt the friction I’d so desperately missed. And though we were connected, it still wasn’t enough. Not for what this meant to the two of us. Moving inside her wasn’t enough. I could feel emotions stirring inside me that had never been let out before because really, we had never been like this. We had experienced something that would tear most couples apart, but somehow, some act of fate had brought us back again.

  “Faster,” she pleaded, so desperate to feel our connection. Her hands moved over my shoulders and down the length of my back along my spine, urging me forward.

  “You mean…” I swallowed trying to catch my breath, my eyes on hers, “harder?”

  “Yes.”

  I swore against her skin, needing that, too.

  Her mouth opened in a gasp as I rocked against her, slowly at first, and then urgently, harder like she wanted. I couldn’t resist and pressed my mouth desperately to hers, feeling like, right then, we were breathing life back into one another.

  I pushed into her two or three more times, careful of her stomach, and lost myself. I felt the pleasure jolt through me from the tops of my feet to my thighs and straight to my gut. It’d been way too long.

  When I finished, she burst into tears.

  “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

  Her arms wrapped around my neck and then fell away, over her face again. Pushing myself away from her, I stood and pulled my boxers on, pacing the room. Lily did nothing but lay there, crying.

  It was body-racking sobs, not just a few tears and I panicked. Then I became angry. This couldn’t be all there was for us, not after everything.

  My fist connected with the wall and Lily jumped, her eyes wide with panic as she watched me standing before her, panting, my fists clenched in anger that this was once again ruined.

  Will it always be like this?

  She scrambled over to me. “Axel…I’m not…I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” I mumbled, tears filling my eyes.

  “I’m not sad, not like that. I just missed you and it was like a dam breaking. That’s all.”

  A rush of relief caused me to sigh heavily, expelling the anger pulsating in me. “Oh, thank God.” My arms drew her hard into my chest, raising her up off her feet in the embrace. She clung to me, as if her life depended on it.

  Had we finally connected?

  There was a moment then when my lips rested against her forehead and I wanted to beg her never to let go of me.

  I knew one thing for certain. Grief never went away completely.

  It just changed and you found yourself grieving in other ways.

  IT HAD FINALLY COME to a point, shortly before Lily was due, that we decided to go through Jack’s room, hoping it would give us some closure. I hated being in his room and packing away his stuff. It made it feel final. Kind of like the funeral.

  I knew there was no going back and he was gone, but with each shirt, each toy car and blanket, my heart broke all over again for the life that was taken away too soon. Lily and I needed to deal with the death of Jack. We hadn’t until now. We closed it off, much like the door to his room and, in some ways, that was easier, but eventually, we had to deal with it. We couldn’t keep closing doors.

  Going through his room was about as hard as his funeral was.

  “I can still smell him,” Lily said, holding the blanket to her face, tears rolling down her cheeks.

  My body shook with tearless sobs. My arms wrapped around her and I brought her against my chest. “I know, honey.”

  I wanted to promise to her nothing like that would ever happen again. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t promise anything. Nothing in life was guaranteed.

  I was their father, her husband and I couldn’t promise anything but my love.

  The pain of losing a child would never get easier. It became manageable, but it never went away completely.

  It was hard. A flood of emotions flooded through me as I processed all that had happened, and how we would move forward as a family.

  We decided we would place his helmet collection where he loved to spend most of his time when we weren’t on the road, at JAR Racing.

  My dad had a glass d
isplay made in the front reception area, where we placed sixty-eight helmets that Jack had collected, including his.

  After we dropped them off, I stared at the display for a long time and never said a word.

  He would have loved it.

  Axel

  Leaf Springs - An old-school type of suspension design rarely used in modern automotive manufacturing, leaf springs are a series of stacked, metal plates that bend flexibly to absorb the bumps and shocks of driving.

  NOTHING WAS ELABORATE with the way Savannah James Riley came into the world. She came with a sense of peace, blissfully, tenderly, delicately placed in our arms like the precious gift she was. It was as if she was placed directly in our path from Heaven.

  A gift from Jack.

  A daughter.

  I had a baby girl.

  When I looked down, I knew immediately it was worth the pain we had to endure. I appreciated everything before me.

  A beautiful moment would never take away the pain inside, but it made me see a beautiful moment for what it was. That special gift from Heaven.

  It was then that I cried for the first time since Jack died. And not just any crying. I was balling, staring at this little girl in my arms.

  She was breathtaking with her delicate little face and perfect button nose. Her cheeks had that baby-fresh pinkness to it, her hair—a rusty brown—that stuck up in disarray. And though I was crying, I couldn’t look away from her. Finally, one of my kids had my hair, but it was more than that. The way she laid there so peacefully, as if she was perfectly content in her father’s arms.

  Lily placed her hand on my forearm, shaking me with concern. “Are you okay?”

  Having not realized she’d noticed my tears, I nodded, unable to answer. I held Savannah a little tighter, never wanting to let her go. “I just…when Jack passed away, I never cried. I felt like I was crying, but I didn’t have any tears.”

  “You cried once…”

  “I did?”

  “That night in the hotel room…in Florida.”