Heartstrings

by Heather Gunter

  Heartstrings

  Heather Gunter

  This book is dedicated to all of the strong women

  and men who have endured and survived rape.

  Who realize

  that they were never a victim but always a survivor.

  Bruised, Battered and Broken

  I was bruised that night, not because you yanked and pulled on me, but because you hurt me emotionally.

  I was battered that night, not because you hit and bit me but because you made me feel like I was less of a person.

  I was broken that night, not because you physically broke a bone, but because you took something that didn't belong to you.

  I will no longer feel bruised, battered and broken, I refuse to give you that power, because I have taken it back.

  Written by Heather Gunter

  at 19 yrs of age

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Epilogue

  A Note from the Author

  Playlist

  Changing Tunes - Synopsis

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Prologue

  It’s spring break here in Georgia, and we all decided to spend the day at the lake. It looks like we might be heading into an early summer. The weather in Georgia is unpredictable most of the time; one day cool, the next hot and humid.

  It’s just the four of us. Will, Maverick, Charlie, and Me. Yes, Maverick and Charlie have made their way back to each other; they’re stuck to each other like glue. I don't think he’ll ever make the mistake he did last time. Maverick’s knee is healed, but he still fights a slight limp. He’ll never play professional football, but seems content with it. As smart as he is, he’ll probably end up with an academic scholarship and try his hand at something else.

  Charlie’s come a long way. She’s finally happy. Happier than I have ever seen her, but she still has moments of insecurity. I think she always will. Charlie finally sees what we have seen all along; she’s an awesome, beautiful girl and a great friend. There’s nothing ordinary about Charlie. She faced the problem when she was ready, and now she holds her head up and smiles all of the time. Maverick is usually making her laugh, or my smartass mouth.

  The very first time I met my friend, she was just a shell of the person she is now. She was broken and beaten and I knew I needed to be her friend. Sometimes you can just sense someone needs you, and I sensed that about her. But what she never realized is I needed her just as much.

  Her parents still won’t speak to her and I think it bothers her, in a small way. She still lives with my mom and me, and she’s become a permanent part of my family. We even irritate each other like sisters.

  And then there’s Will, who refuses to find a girl, no matter how many times I have told him to, and it's a little awkward when the four of us are together, and I tend to be the ‘mouthy’ red-head Will likes to call me. And yeah, I can also be a complete bitch at times. I think Charlie and Maverick expect Will and I to eventually get together, but it's not that easy. It will never be that easy. Will is a great guy, but we went down this road before and we can't do it again. Sure, he’s hot as hell with his blond-streaked hair and green eyes, tall with a muscular swimmers frame. I’m attracted to him; I would be crazy not to be. I won't deny there are sparks because there are, but some things can never be.

  You see, despite the “all put together” persona I show the world, I have my own insecurities and have things I just can’t talk about. We all have our own secrets. Mine is a doozy, and I am completely ashamed of it.

  I sit here on this beautiful spring day and realize what a hypocrite I am. Charlie faced her fears and talked to her parents, but I refuse to share anything about my secret. I really don't mean to be hypocritical, but I have to figure things out on my own. Even if it means being alone.

  Chapter 1

  My senses begin to take over and I leave my eyes closed; I don’t want to see. It’s always the same bits and pieces all over again and I never open my eyes. I use my senses to just listen, smell and feel.

  I feel cold, and pressure—lots and lots of pressure. My legs are stuck. Stuck against what I assume to be some kind of vinyl. The skin on my legs is sticking against it. It hurts to move. When I attempt to pull my legs away, even just a little bit, there’s no relief. I’m pressed as far into it as I can possibly get. I don’t doubt my body has created an indention in it. I’m scared. Then, I realize why I can’t move my legs: they’re being held down by something. My hands are above my head, being held by what feels like skin.

  All of a sudden I hear a laugh. A hate filled laugh that resonates throughout my bones, and it shakes me to my very core. I’ve heard this laugh before, but I can’t place it. I just know that I’ve heard it and it terrifies me.

  I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself, but what I smell sends my stomach into a revolt. Alcohol and cigarette breath that reeks and makes me want to heave. I begin to panic when I hear that laugh again as the pressure tightens on my wrists.

  Willing, with all my strength, my eyes finally open.

  As I open my eyes in a panic, I realize I’m in the safety of my own bed at home. I look around and see everything familiar to me and will myself to slow my breathing down. Not to mention it feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest.

  “I’m fine,” I say out loud. As if saying it out loud will make me believe it. I say this over and over.

  I feel a drip of something drizzle down the side of my face. Brushing my cheek with my hand I realize I’m sweating profusely and that I’m soaking wet. I take the top of my sheet and wipe my face. Sighing, I realize clean sheets are now needed. Gross.

  My dreams are always bits and pieces of my nightmare. Like every morning, I push them back and try to forget. That’s what I do, because I don’t want to feel. Feeling causes pain and heartache and I can’t handle that, so it’s just better to push it away.

  I finally sit up and throw the covers off of me. “Shit, it’s cold,” I exclaim out loud. It may be spring, but damn the mornings are still a bit nippy. I tip toe out of my room and walk into the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror, noting the bed head. I turn on the faucet and splash some cold water on my face, hoping that it will make the circles around my eyes appear not quite so dark; as if the water is somehow magical. I dry my face with a towel and look again. Nope, it’s still there. I’m beginning to resemble a raccoon.

  The dreams are starting to get worse and my body shudders, recalling a flash of bits and pieces of the one from this morning. I try desperately to push this all away to the very depths of my mind, hoping that, just maybe, if I bury i
t deep enough it’ll all eventually go away.

  “Hey sleepy head, you’re up already?”

  I jump, startled and turn around quickly. I’m sure I just resembled a girl that had her hand in the cookie jar. “Shit Charlie, you can’t sneak up on me like that,” I snap.

  She flinches at my tone, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

  I let out a sigh, feeling like a bitch for snapping. “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap, you just scared the crap out of me, and I haven’t been sleeping very well.”

  She looks at me with concern, “Anything you want to talk about? You know I’m always here for you.”

  I start to make my way back to my room, wanting to avoid this conversation. “Nope, I’m good. Thanks for asking. I think I’m just excited and ready to graduate, ya know?”

  Yeah, it’s a lame answer, I know. But hopefully, it will pacify her.

  She follows me to my doorway and sighs, which is a ‘Charlie’ sign that says she knows I’m full of shit. But I know her well enough to know that she won’t push me. She never does and that’s one of the things I love about her. She turns around and makes her way across the hall, back to her room.

  I feel like such a heel. I know she’d be there for me if I needed her too, she always is. But I know I won’t be able to handle the look in her eye, if I was to tell her. I can’t bear it. I prefer for her to see me as the happy and carefree girl that she thinks me to be. It’s easier that way.

  Right?

  This morning is decidedly beginning to suck ass already, and I need to try and attempt to shake off this current funk; bad dreams be damned.

  I start to feel this instant need to make it up to Charlie for being such a bitch so damn early and I know just how to do it. I cross the hall over to her room and lean against the door frame. She’s sitting on her bed cross legged, leaning against the back of her headboard and chewing on her thumbnail, in deep concentration.

  “Hey, how about when it warms up this afternoon we go back to the lake?” I start wagging my eyebrows as I say, “Call Maverick, and we’ll pack a picnic lunch, and go to your most favorite spot that you two finally decided to share with us special people.”

  Her head pops up as she instantly brightens and then notices my eyebrows and begins to finally smile. “On one condition,” she says.

  Well shit, I should have known that it was going to come with a ‘condition’.

  “What?” I tentatively say, knowing that this can’t ever be good. Charlie’s conditions almost always come with a small price.

  “How about we call Will and see if he wants to come?”

  Yep, I was right; I knew this so called condition would entail something that I wouldn’t like. But I owe her after my bitchy attitude this morning. Truth be told, Charlie saying Will’s name causes my heart to beat in overdrive, which gives me mixed feelings. I decide to play her game and I straighten my shoulders ready to take on her challenge.

  “Sure, have Maverick,” as I call out in a singsong voice, “Call Will.”

  She ignores that suggestion and instead says, “Hey T, you wear that bright emerald green two piece you bought last week. You look hot in it and your hair and eyes pop in that color.”

  Does she think I don’t know what she’s doing? I’m not an idiot, but for her I’ll do it, if it makes up for my earlier behavior. Two can play at this game.

  “You know the bikini you bought last week, you know the same day I bought mine?” I say this with just a hint of sarcasm. “I say you brave up and wear it finally.” Ha, take that I say to myself.

  It’s a deep purple that makes her eyes instantly stand out and pop. She looked great in it and I know Maverick would have a flipping conniption fit to see her in it; but in a good way.

  Her eyes grow big as saucers at my suggestion, but then I notice a look of determination cross her face. “Fine, I’ll wear it.”

  Hmm, challenge accepted huh? I wasn’t expecting that.

  This last part I know she’s not going to like, “One other thing Char, no cover-up.” She begins to bristle and sputter with the last part of my deal. “Nope, you’re not backing down. It’s time you realize how fantastic you look. Just you wait until Maverick sees you in it.”

  She holds her chin up higher and I can tell I’ve won this round, or so I think. “Fine, I’ll wear it, but I have another condition of my own. You have to call Will and invite him.” Okay, now she’s crossed a line that she doesn’t realize she’s crossed. I start to speak when she holds her hand to shush me.

  “You want me to wear the bikini with no cover-up, which you know is a huge deal for me, then you have to do something bigger, call Will yourself.”

  I blow air out of my mouth I didn’t realize I’d been holding.

  Well damn her.

  “Fine, I’ll do it. No big deal.” The smile on her face is priceless. It’s the same look the Cheshire cat wore in Alice in Wonderland. The stinker.

  However, I don’t hold back on the eye roll I throw her and hope she notices. Yeah, she does, because she smiles even bigger before I turn around to head into my room. Before I shut my door I hear, “Tori, I love you,” in a sing-song voice. She so loves irritating me.

  I run my hands through my hair like a freaking idiot.

  “He can’t see you, you big dope. So why are you worrying about your hair?” I chastise myself. Okay, this won’t be hard. I can do this. I am freaking Tori. I’m not scared of anything.

  I know full well that’s a damn lie. The dreams I’m having say different. Giving myself a mental slap: I got this, I talk to him all the time, and this is nothing. Except, a one on one conversation, with no backup, is a completely different story.

  Grabbing my phone I take a deep breath and paste on a smile. Psyching myself to believe this really isn’t as big of a deal as I’m making it. But it is…

  One ring, two and then I hear the most masculine voice that literally makes my knees quake, “Hello?” That’s all it takes and I’m a big jumble of nerves and can’t seem to get any words out of my mouth. “Hello, Tori?” he asks.

  Shit! He knows it’s me.

  Duh! Of course he has my number, I’m such a dumb ass. Knowing I need to finally speak or he’s going to think I’m a total nimrod. Finding my voice I spurt out, “Um, hey Will, it’s Tori.”

  Again, I’m such an idiot.

  “I was wondering, I mean, we were wondering if you want to come to the lake with me, Charlie and Maverick?” I quickly stammer out.

  I hear nothing. Dead silence, except I can still hear him breathing on the line. I know I haven’t lost him, but why isn’t he speaking?

  Freaking A, this is hard.

  “Hello, Will?”

  I hear a throat clear when he says, “Sorry, Tori, I was just surprised that you would call and invite me.”

  “Well,” I quickly blurt out. “I lost a bet with Charlie and this is my punishment.”

  “Shit, stupid, stupid.”

  “I’m sorry Will, I didn’t mean it like that,” I stammer on... Instead of making me sweat it out he just chuckles and feel instant relief.

  “Well, when you ask me like that, how can I refuse? What time, Tori?”

  OMG, the way he says my name does things to my insides.

  “Um, as soon as it warms up, we’re taking a picnic lunch and thought we’d take it to Maverick and Tori’s ‘secret’ place.”

  “How about I bring the sandwiches and y’all bring everything else?” I close my eyes and just let his southern accent sink into my skin. The way he says “y’ all” makes me feel things I have no reason to be feeling. I certainly don’t deserve to feel this way.

  Finally shaking these strange feelings off and finding my voice I say, “Sounds good Will, noon sound okay?”

  “Yep, sounds good, Tori.”

  “See you there.” I say.

  “You will. Bye Tori, see you then.”

  “Okay,” I say breathlessly and the phone goes dead.

  I lay
down on the bed with my phone in my hand and close my eyes. Why is this so hard for me?

  Then I remember; I’m damaged; I’m damaged goods.

  Chapter 2

  Talk about a surprise. In no way, shape or form was I ever expecting to hear that voice. It’s no shocker to anyone that I have a thing for that ‘mouthy’ redhead. I can’t seem to help myself. Call it self-punishment, I don’t care. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her and I don’t think I’ll ever want to. I have girls that are interested, but they just don’t do ‘it’ for me.

  That red hair of hers is unlike anything you’ve ever seen or I’ve ever seen for that matter. There has never been and will never be, a color like hers. I can’t even properly begin to describe it. It’s the most vibrant of reds. It’s like an orangey red, but hell it’s not orange. You know the different colors that pass through a flame? It’s, it’s like looking at the flames of a fire. Amazing!

  She is hotness personified. Tori has these green eyes you could lose yourself in; that light up when she’s being a smart ass, or when she’s laughing. She has a couple a sprinkling of freckles that run right across the bridge of her nose, but she’s not fair skinned. She has these long-ass legs that go on for miles that I’ve fantasized about for far too long. Her voice is something else. She’s a singer, like Charlie. Unlike Charlie’s crystal clear voice, Tori’s voice is raw and husky—the epitome of sexy. It’s deep and gravely and, God help me, I’m lost when she sings.

  I’ve been trying to give her space. Hell, a year is a long time to give someone space and I can’t seem to do that anymore, and I don’t want to. Here we are in our senior year of high school during spring break with only a month and half of school left until we graduate. I can’t let things go the way they are; I just need to jump in, head first.

  I’ve never told anyone about Tori and my one and only date. Not even Maverick knows. I love Maverick like a brother, but shit, I don’t even know what happened, so how was I going to explain it to him?

  Going back to the phone conversation with Tori, I begin to think about the bits and pieces of our short conversation that are just now starting to stick out. If I’m not mistaken, she sounded nervous and a little out of breath. Tori is never nervous, and always on her toes. But she hesitated on the phone.