Heartstrings

by Heather Gunter

  Did I really just say that? Holy shit, do I have diarrhea of the mouth or what? What happened to the cool Tori that was suave and didn’t say stupid crap all of the time.

  As I finish completely cussing myself out internally, I turn around and find Will, right beside me with plates in hand. “I didn’t want to startle you again, but I did say your name. You seemed somewhere else. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “No, I’m fine, thanks. I was just thinking,” I whisper to him. Once again, I begin getting completely warm all over from his nearness. He and I pass out the food, like a team. It’s silly, but something as small as passing food out together to our friends feels so natural. I know, I’m so crazy. Maybe that’s my problem; I’m going nuts.

  While we eat, Charlie and Maverick keep the conversation going with Will and I only chiming in here and there. I notice the looks he’s giving me, and I can’t help but look right back.

  I decide to throw it out there and go for broke. I jump up, grab Will’s hand, surprising everyone, and hand him the bottle of lotion. I walk him over to the towel and turn my back to him. Before I can move my hair back, he brushes it to the side and whispers, “Is this okay?” Sighing, I barely manage a slight nod of my head. He carefully and gingerly begins to apply the sunscreen to my shoulders. And I thought his nearness was a lot to handle! Not only is he so very close, but his hands elicit a feeling in me that I haven’t felt in a very long time, like at least a year. I force my mind to go somewhere else, and not back to that night. I close my eyes and just feel, telling myself this is a good touch; one I could possibly get used to. I feel his hands move in a circular motion, first down, then back up around my neck. Who knew Will had the most perfectly skilled hands? He puts more lotion in his hands and gently moves it down my arm, all the way down to my fingertips, almost holding my hand, then reversing the movements back up my arm. My breathing starts to get heavier as he moves on to my other arm, repeating the experience exactly; all the way down to my fingertips. Only this time, he does hold my hand, keeping it at my side, and finally speaks, “Was that okay, did I apply enough?”

  Are you kidding me? I want to scream and say it was so perfect, and you made me feel things, and hell no! I need more lotion! One application is definitely not enough. But of course, I don’t say a thing. I’m so affected, I’m afraid to even speak. All he did was apply lotion but shit, it feels like more. So much. More.

  I finally croak out, “Thanks, that’s good.” I am so smooth, I tell ya. As I turn around, I see Charlie and Maverick giving us a stare down. Technically, Charlie is catching bugs with her mouth wide open, and Maverick has his traditional “Maverick” look going on; one eye brow raised, perplexed, and his expression saying, “What the hell and what did I miss?”

  Clearing my throat, I stand up and shake the sand off of my legs. Turning to everyone I ask, “Are we going in, or what?” I smile so they think I’m totally not affected, run to Charlie and yank her by the arm pulling her along with me. Laughing, we run into the water, just like kids. We turn around and look at the shore to discover the guys are nowhere to be seen. All of a sudden, I hear Charlie shriek and see Maverick grabbing her from behind, wrapping his arms around her waist. I watch as she rests her head on his shoulder while he places a kiss on the side of her forehead.

  Something in me feels damaged and not whole, like I’m missing a part of me. I feel so sad all of a sudden. I love how happy Charlie is, but I want that too, and I honestly don’t see how I can ever have that for myself. Will’s head finally pops up, out of nowhere, and I’m proud of myself for not slapping the dickens out of him again. Did he not learn with my earlier response?

  “Before you say anything Tori, I did holler at you, but you didn’t respond. You seemed to be deep in thought, again. You’re doing that a lot lately. Anything you want to talk about?”

  “Nope, no talking.” And I do something I’m sure I’m going to regret, but I’m calling this experiment number two. I throw my arms around his neck and run my fingers through his soft hair at the nape of his neck, and start pulling him near me, but he pulls back, stopping me from following through.

  “You should know, if we do this, it will change everything.” He cautions with the most serious expression that I’ve ever seen on his face. I don’t even care right now, all rational thoughts fly out the window. All I know is that I have wanted him for over a year, and I have to try this, for me. I gaze straight into the depths of his gorgeous eyes, before I grab his head and plunge forward. The kiss starts slow, like he’s wanting to feel everything, not wanting to miss a thing.

  I can handle and do this.

  I’m feeling hot and tingly, and decide to sink a little deeper, and kiss him even harder and more frantically.

  Suddenly, flashes of a past memory move to the forefront of my mind, and I’m revisiting it all over again.

  Both of my hands are being gripped tightly by one strong hand, pressing them into a door handle of a truck. My legs are pinned down, with a knee pushed between them, holding me in place. Bites--they aren’t even kisses. They’re just bites, making my lips bleed and I can taste the blood. I’m wrenching my head back and forth, desperately trying to keep him from touching his grotesque lips to mine. He finally makes contact with my lips, and I feel the urge to purge every ounce of food from my stomach, but it doesn’t happen. I try with all of my might to scream and cry NO! But I can’t get the words out. His mouth is either on me, or his putrid smelling hand is across my face, silencing my screams. His hand begins to snake its way down my stomach and all I can think is, God No. Please No, not like this.

  All of a sudden, the flash is over and I see Will, right in front me, looking scared. Tears are running down my face, and I move my hand to my lips, and I’m shaking all over. I’m so damaged, I can’t even kiss a guy, a good one at that, without breaking down like a nutcase. I glance at Charlie and Maverick who, thankfully don’t witness my breakdown, because they don’t come running. I look back at Will, “Please, can you take me home? I need to go home.”

  Will just nods his head and begins walking through the water, being careful not to touch me. Like a crazy person, I start to laugh. I tell myself it’s the insanity coming out; I knew it would happen. I’m shaking so hard I can hardly walk out of the water and up the bank, but I don’t want to be touched. The laughing finally subsides and turns back to tears. I make my way up the trail and we reach his truck. He opens the door and I slide in, still soaking wet.

  Will grabs a blanket out of the back seat and comes back around to my side. “I don’t want to startle you, but I’m going to put this around you, okay?” Teeth chattering, all I can do is nod my head in understanding. Using extreme caution and care, he wraps the blanket completely around me, never taking his eyes off me.

  He gets in and we ride in silence, and it’s heartbreaking. I’m no longer sobbing uncontrollably, but silently crying. I’m crying for every shameful thing that was done to me. I’m crying for the loss, and for my mistake. I’m crying for everything that has happened, and that will never happen. Because the loss is more than anyone will ever know.

  He pulls into the driveway and chancing a look at him, I utter two small, but very significant words, “I’m sorry.” He will never know what those words mean to me.

  He doesn’t say anything, because what is there to say? He steps out of his truck, showing the gentleman that he is, walks to my side, and opens my door. Downcast, I quietly get out, not wanting to look him in the face, ever again. I don’t think I could bear it.

  Leaving him standing at the truck door, I walk to the front door, chiding myself for being such a coward, allow myself one more glance at him before the door is closed. I look directly into his eyes and see a look of pure anguish pasted across his beautiful face. It’s the last thing I see, before I shut the door.

  The moment the door is shut, I hear my mom, “Is that you, Tori?”

  Trying to keep my voice from betraying me, I clear it quietly and reply, “Ye
ah mom, Charlie is with Maverick and will be home later.”

  “Okay Tori, love you baby girl.”

  Trying to keep myself from breaking down all over again, I quickly respond with, “I love you, too, mom.”

  Making my way upstairs and while clutching Will’s blanket tight around me, I catch a whiff of his cologne, I hadn’t noticed before. Instantly, my insides tighten and I take a long inhale of it, hoping to capture the smell forever and store it in my memory. I reach my room and drape the blanket across my desk chair to dry. I grab my night gown, go into the bathroom and undress to take a shower. I stop to glance in the mirror, and take a good look at myself and recalling the night I came home a year ago. I touch my fingers to my lips, to my cheek, then to my ear. I repeat this process without even realizing I’m doing it, while tears cascade down my tortured face. I bring my hand down and along my throat remembering the ‘love bite’s’ he so enjoyed calling them. I run my hand down my sternum, to my breast, where they were tortured painfully; a place I don’t think I could ever handle anyone touching me, ever again. I wrap my arms around myself, not wanting to remember, or go down my body any further. I don’t want to recall anymore. I just need it all to go away.

  I get in the shower and scrub, trying to wash every feeling he made me feel that night, down the drain. As hard as I try, I know deep down I can’t. Look where trying to forget has gotten me? I was successful for a time, but things have a way of catching up to you. Why? Why now, has my past chosen to come back and haunt me?

  Finally giving up, I turn the water off, grab my towel and get dressed. I walk to my room noting that Charlie still isn’t home. I realize it’s still light outside. Hell, it’s not even dinner-time, but I feel drained and I’m tired.

  I fear he’ll be there when I fall asleep. Maybe I can make myself dream of Will. Sweet, gorgeous, Will that makes me feel like everything will be all right. Even though I know it never will be. As much as I try to keep my eyes open, I can’t, and sleep finally wins and pulls me under.

  Chapter 6

  I thought I was going to die when she reached over wanting to kiss me and I certainly wasn’t joking when I said, it would change everything. Because it did, and in more ways than one. Kissing Tori was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Her lips are so warm and soft and fit perfectly with mine. When she deepened the kiss I thought I was in heaven. Until she suddenly stopped kissing me. Her lips just stopped moving; like she was in shock. I pulled back noticing that something was wrong, and watched as a look of pure torment crossed her gorgeous face.

  I have never in my life felt as damn helpless as I did in that moment. It was like watching a silent movie and seeing moments of pure terror cross her face, as the tears cascaded their way down. It was heart wrenching, but I couldn’t get her back, until she came back to herself.

  I was terrified of causing her any more pain by placing the blanket around her, but she was shivering and her lips were chattering. Wrapping my blanket around her was the only thing I could do. In a stupid way I felt it was my arms wrapped around her and I was helping, if only in the smallest of ways; I was keeping her safe.

  Driving her home was excruciating. I’ve never felt so protective of someone that wasn’t family, Maverick or Charlie. I knew she was trying to hide it, but she cried the whole ride to her house. When I opened her door I wanted to say something. Something that would make her feel safe and she would know I was here for her. I needed her to know that I’d always be here for her. But the words wouldn’t come out, and truth be told, I knew there wasn’t anything I could say to make her feel better.

  Deep down, I knew that something bad happened to Tori. I didn’t know what, who, when or where, but my gut was telling me that she had to have gone through something so horrendous, to cause her this much pain.

  Somehow, I needed her to know that I wasn’t going away. I’m in it for the long haul. I just hope she will let me in when she is ready.

  Chapter 7

  I’m dreaming of Will and he’s standing right beside me. We’re at a party with a ton of people, and he says he’s going to go get us a drink. I remember smiling up at him and feeling so happy that he finally asked me out. Shit, it took him long enough, I thought to myself. I remember giving him one of my signature smiles that most guys can’t resist. Like pressing pause, everything stopped in the room, everything but me. I glance down and notice what I’m wearing, and instantly, fear trickles down my spine as I remember this is no ordinary dream. This is my worst nightmare and I begin to recall everything from that horrible night.

  I’d had a drink prior to Will picking me up, something to give me just a little bit of courage. I’ve liked him since the first time I met him. There was just something so charismatic about him, and he was just an all-around good guy. I swear I felt chemistry the very first time our eyes met and I was sunk from there on out. So yes, I had a little liquid courage. I wasn’t drunk, but I was feeling good; I felt great in fact. I felt like I could handle anything. Will left to get us drinks and I walked outside—which was the worst and one of the stupidest mistakes I have ever made.

  I was approached by a guy. He was tall and good-looking, but I wasn’t interested in him. I’d never seen him before and I knew he didn’t go to our school, he had to be older. He looked to be in college and seemed shocked that I didn’t want anything to do with him. I didn’t, I had Will and was waiting for him, and I said as much. He threw his head back and laughed as if what I said was the funniest thing he’d ever heard in the world. I felt a sickening fear, and my instincts were telling me to run like a bat out of hell. I told him I needed to go find my date. He latched on to my arm rather tightly and started to walk us towards the back of the property where a bonfire was blazing high. Trucks and cars were scattered around it, and I kept telling him to let go; that my date would find me. But I felt weak; just when I’d needed my strength, it was all gone. All because I needed to have some extra ‘courage’ and now when I need my strength it’s gone.

  He was too strong and I couldn’t budge from his grip. I tried. Oh God, did I try. I was so terrified I started to scream and yell at him to let me go. As we’d passed by people, they’d all laughed, like it was funny. They were too plastered to see what was right in front of them, that something wasn’t right and I’d needed help. He’d gripped my arm even tighter causing my vision to blur and tears to start welling up in my eyes. I was trying to be strong, not just physically, but I wanted to be strong and show him I wasn’t scared. I didn’t need this guy to see my fear; people like him live on it and get off on it. I was trying so hard to be strong, but then I got weak. I failed.

  Pulling me in front of a truck, he’d opened the door, yanking me in while I was kicking and screaming. He pulled so hard my arm had felt like it was being pulled out of the socket, and the pain caused my vision to blur. The moment he got me in his truck, I knew I was done, but I never stopped fighting, and I never stopped saying no. He’d quickly locked the doors and tossed me hard across the bench, and held my hands over my head with one hand. I could feel the door knob digging into my wrist. I will never, for as long as I live, forget that feeling.

  He continued holding my hands with one of his giant hands as I thrashed around and he attempted to kiss me. His idea of kissing turned into ‘biting kisses’, his term for them, not mine. His breath was rank, a mixture of cigarettes and cheap alcohol that gave me the urge to throw up the entire contents of my stomach. His ‘biting kisses’ turned extra rough. He bit my neck, my ear, my throat and then made his way down to my shoulder. He eventually made his way back up, where he was determined to capture my lips. The rougher he got with his determination, the more blood I started to taste inside of my mouth. I started to feel absolutely no hope for a rescue and I started to give up, until he started to make his way down to my breast. He grabbed them in his rough hands and squeezed so hard I saw stars and continued with his ‘biting kisses’ as he made his way down my body.

  I laid there silently crying and
he must have thought I had given up because he loosened his grip. I got a hand loose and I slung it up over my head on the glass. Laughing at me, he grabbed for my hand once again and subdued me with a cruel slap across my face and said, “You want it and like it rough, don’t ya? You’re a little fighter you are. I knew having a red head would bring some spice.” I winced at his words, and I felt the blood trickling down the side of my face, I felt like I was dying on the inside. My fight had just about left me.

  All of the sudden I heard a familiar voice calling out for me; it was Will. I went nuts and my fight returned. I thrashed, and pushed, and tried to budge, but I couldn’t seem to gain any purchase. He laughed quietly and said into my ear, “This is going to be so much fun and makes things so much more exciting, don’t you think? He’s right there, and I have you right here.” Will’s voice moved further and further away, and before long I couldn’t hear it at all.

  His hand started to make the treacherous descent down my waist, when I remembered I was wearing a skirt, which made me cry even harder. He took his hand and roughly threw it over my mouth, squeezed my cheeks painfully in the process and told me to shut the fuck up. I did as he demanded and hoped that if I did, things may not get that bad.

  Deep down I knew it’s over for me. As I laid there praying to God that help would eventually come, he whispered in my ear as his hand started lifting up my skirt. “You’re so beautiful. I noticed when you first got here and I knew I had to have you.” This made my tears fall even harder.

  By the end of it all, when he was finally done with me, the truck door opened and I was finally allowed to leave. I stumbled out of the truck, too damaged and broken to feel anything. I was numb.