Heartstrings

by Heather Gunter

  I nod my head yes and continue, “He wonders about what happened to me and he still wants to be with me, but he doesn’t know what happened that night. I want to tell him, but at the same time I’m scared to death of telling him.”

  “You’re afraid that he’ll see you differently and not want you anymore?”

  “Yes,” I whisper and look down.

  “I think sometimes we can’t always heal by ourselves, and sometimes the person who we are most scared to tell is the one person who can actually help us heal.”

  I listen to that statement and repeat it in my head. It resonates something deep inside me and sticks; it makes perfect sense.

  “What event triggered you finally coming to terms with your rape? What were you doing when it finally hit you?”

  “We were at the lake, all of us, Charlie, Maverick and Will.”

  “Had you been having dreams prior to the lake?”

  I nod my head, “I actually had one that morning.”

  “What happened that day to trigger everything to come back?”

  Calmly I take myself back, to the day that seems so long ago, but was really just over a week ago.

  “I remember seeing Will and wanting him. I flirted and was daring myself to put myself out there. I was pushing the envelope to see how far I could take it. Daring myself I guess you could say.”

  “What did you dare yourself to do?”

  “Well first, Will startled me and I punched him and I was mortified. He didn’t mean to scare me. He came up behind me and I reacted.”

  “What did he say to your reaction?”

  “He actually took it really well. He was concerned about me, but he brushed it off; asked me if I was okay. I said I was and I apologized profusely. But then I really pushed myself to do something big. I called them ‘experiments’ and I grabbed him and attempted to kiss him, but he stopped me.”

  In the retelling, I recall something he’d told me. “He stopped me and said, “If we do this, it will change everything.”

  “I didn’t care and never responded. I just kissed him. We kissed until I started getting flashes of that night, and I just lost it. I cried buckets of tears, but he was patient and never treated me like I was crazy. He got me home safely, even took a blanket and wrapped it around me, letting me know what he was doing so he wouldn't make things worse. He was sweet, and concerned. A couple of days later, he even stopped by my house and talked to my mom. He told her to tell me he never stopped caring about me, not even from a distance.”

  Dr. Heart begins to speak, “Subconsciously, in your efforts to forget about your rape, you thought maybe connecting with Will could help you forget, but instead, it did the opposite. It actually triggered every memory about your assault. It was never going to go away, Tori. Eventually, you had to come to terms with your rape and face it head on.”

  She stops talking, giving me time to let this sink in and then I ask, “What do you think about telling Will?”

  “That I cannot tell you what to do. You have to decide what’s best, and right for you. Deep down, I think you know what to do. I will say this; Will seems like a very nice and level headed guy, who cares a lot for you. He hasn’t run from you; in fact he’s been there the whole time, waiting patiently.”

  We talk for another ten minutes before time is up and it’s time to go. Before I walk out the door she says, “There is one thing I would like you to do. Find an outlet; something you enjoy and do it. It’s a form of therapy, but one that you’ll enjoy. What is it you like to do that would accomplish this?”

  I don’t even have to think, “I love to sing and I used to play the guitar.”

  “All right, I think that’s perfect. I’ll see you next week, Tori.”

  I say goodbye and head home. She’s right, I already know what I’m going to do, and it feels so right.

  Chapter 20

  I walk in the front door, smell dinner and suddenly realize how hungry I am. My appetite is slowly beginning to come back to me. It’s amazing how slaying your demons can bring back your love of food. I walk in to the kitchen to find Mom and Charlie laughing together. It’s so nice to see Charlie have a ‘mom’ relationship with mine. I don’t mind sharing, Charlie deserves this and we’re lucky to have her. I take a moment, leaning against the door-frame, watching them laugh and talk about their day.

  Charlie finally spots me and cocks her head to the side, “You look different T, what’s up?”

  “I had a good session, came to some realizations, and I have decided to talk to Will. I think it’s the right thing to do for me, and maybe for him.” I hang my head then add, “Well he may not think so after I tell him, but what do I have to lose, right?” I chuckle because I know what I’ve got to lose and it’s a hell of a lot.

  “Why don’t you come over and let’s eat.” Mom suggests. After we sit down, my mom replies, “You know I will support whatever decision you make. I will always stand behind you!”

  “Me too!” Charlie says.

  Knowing they have my back, I enjoy dinner for the first time in a long time with a lighter heart, but anxiety driven none the less. Before I get up from the table I say, “I’m going to go and call Will.”

  Deciding to do this and actually doing it are two different things. I'm nervous as hell to be honest, hence the sweat I’m now feeling on my hands as I rub down them down my pant legs. Excusing myself, I grab my phone out of my bag and take it upstairs.

  Just do it, you weenie.

  I scroll down my phone and see his picture beside his number. My hands shaking, I hit the button that will lead me directly to him. It rings once, twice and then I hear, “Hello?” Hearing him say hello gives me a sense of peace and my trepidation begins to melt away. I’m still nervous, but I feel a little more confident.

  “Hey Will, can we talk tonight? Do you have plans? It’s time I tell you some things.”

  With no hesitation, he quickly responds, “No, none. Do you want me to come there or do you...?”

  I interrupt him, “No I’ll meet you at the lake. I guess at Charlie and Maverick’s spot?”

  “Okay, meet you there in ten minutes?”

  “Yeah, see you in a few.” I turn around and spot Charlie.

  “I wasn’t listening T, I just walked up.”

  “Charlie, it’s okay,” I smile up at her.

  “Are you sure you’re going to be fine driving up there by yourself? Do you really think you’re ready to tell him?” Charlie looks at me with concern.

  I give her a reassuring smile, “Honestly? I didn’t think I would ever tell him or this soon, but seeing him and talking to him at school, and then today’s session with Dr. Heart? It feels right. I can’t explain it. Now, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared; I am, scared shitless, actually. But something tells me it’ll be okay, and it’s what I need to do. If I have any hope of ever having a relationship with anyone, then I need to be open and honest, and I want one with Will.”

  My confession feels really good to speak out loud; even better than saying it in my head.

  Charlie must agree because she shakes her head at me and laughs, “You know that’s the very first time you’ve actually said it out loud.” She turns serious all of a sudden and says, “I want you happy, and you deserve to be happy. I know you won’t be magically healed and this’ll be a process, but you will be happy.”

  I cross to her and hug her. No one knows this more than she does. I step back and look down at her, me and my Amazonian height, and comprehend:

  Aren’t we all just that--a work in progress?

  “Okay, I’m going to be late, then he’ll think I chickened out.”

  I take off and get in my car. The whole drive my anxiety is skyrocketing and I'm hoping to hell I haven’t misjudged myself. Not to mention what Will’s reaction will be.

  I pull in and spot his truck and get out. I see him sitting on the tail gate as I walk around my car. For a few moment’s I am awe struck. I take him in completely. His dishevel
ed blond hair and piercing green eyes that would root me to this very spot if I let them. But I don’t.

  As I make my way to him, he watches me intently, searching for something, maybe wondering if this is real, just as I am. I keep walking until I reach him.

  Finally he says something and it comes out a little sad, “I didn’t think you were going to come.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be late. Charlie was talking to me.”

  His delicious mouth curves up on one corner. “Speaking of Charlie, I think it’s about time we let them know this isn’t just ‘their’ spot anymore. What do you think?”

  I lightly laugh, “I think you’re right.”

  A silence befalls us when he reaches out his hand, “May I?”

  I nod my head because there is nothing I want more than to feel his hand in mine. He wraps his large hand around mine, and it feels so fiercely protective and right. He leads us to a spot, and as we approach, I notice under his arm is a rolled up blanket. He catches my glance and quickly says, “So we have a place to sit.”

  I am such a bundle of nerves and I hope I can do what I've set out to accomplish. This is for me, more, than it is for him. We reach his designated place and he unlocks his hand from mine, briefly leaving me cold and lonely. Laying the blanket down, he grabs my hand again, sensing his comforting touch is exactly what I need to get me through this conversation. He sits cross-legged on the blanket and I follow suit, sitting directly in front of him with our hands holding on to each other as they lay between us.

  I gaze out at the water, my heart hammering in my chest. This is it; if this doesn’t go exactly how I want, it could break me completely in two. I quietly begin, “I really don’t know where to start and I know I owe you so many explanations.” My voice hitches; a show of nerves. On a hunch, I look at him directly focusing on his beautiful, honest eyes. Knowing that I’m about to bear my soul to him I take a deep breath and say a quick prayer in my head, and begin where it all started.

  “I don’t remember ever being as happy until that day you finally asked me out. We flirted for so long and were friends, but I wanted so much more with you. There has never been a guy I wanted to be with, until you.” His hand tightens on mine, revealing the effect my words have on him, which give me a little more confidence.

  “I was so nervous about our date that I got into my mom’s liquor cabinet and had a drink. I just needed something to help give me some courage.” He doesn’t show any emotion, just listens. “When you picked me up, and we got to Ty’s house, I was beyond crazy excited that I was with you. Walking in hand-in-hand felt amazing. For the first time I felt like we were together and everyone would know it. But then you left to get something for us to drink, and I made the stupid mistake of walking outside to get some fresh air. Looking back I will always regret that decision.”

  Feeling like a coward, I turn my head away from his eyes, knowing full well that I cannot say this while looking at him. I can’t fathom the look that will grace his handsome face.

  “While you were gone, and I was outside, I was approached by a guy. I didn’t know who he was. I’d never seen him before.” My voice once again defies me, telling of some of my pain. I feel wetness trickle down my cheek, but I ignore it, fully returning to that night completely and continue with my horrific tale.

  “He wanted me to go with him, and when I wouldn’t, he forcefully grabbed my arm and yanked me so hard towards the cars. I screamed, but everyone was so drunk they thought it was funny.”

  I feel his hand tighten against mine, and feel his thumb gently caressing me. My heart feels like it is about to thump out of my chest the further I delve into my nightmare.

  “He dragged me to his truck beyond the bonfire. I tried, but I couldn’t get away.” The tears flow faster, causing my throat to constrict and making it hard to talk, but I will myself on. I glance at Will and see nothing of what I’ve been so afraid to see. He uses his other hand and wipes my tears away, not realizing what the gesture actually means to me.

  “He did things to me Will. I couldn’t get away, and, God he laughed at me. But then I heard you calling for me, and I tried to scream even louder and fight harder, but he slapped me.” Unconsciously, I’ve brought my other palm to my face touching it until he covers it with his hand, the same hand he’d just used to wipe my tears. “I tried, I really did. He was so strong, and I thought because I had a drink it was my fault I couldn’t get away.”

  His jaw works hard and I see his eyes spark with anger, but not towards me. No, never towards me. After what seems like forever, he finally speaks, “You thought because you had a drink it was your fault?”

  I nod my head, removing my hand, leaving his hand resting on my cheek.

  With a gruffness I don’t realize he possesses he exclaims, “Tori, this happened a year ago and this whole time you’ve been holding it in, thinking it was your fault, because of a drink?”

  “Yes.” It’s all I’ve got.

  I can see the question in his eyes before it comes out of his mouth, “Did he…?”

  Interrupting him, I quickly respond, “Yes, yes he raped me.”

  A string of expletives I’ve never heard him say, tumble out of his mouth, and his hand quickly flies off of my face, the comfort instantly gone. He stands up and begins to pace, every ounce of warmth instantly gone.

  This is it; it’s over. I’m used and he doesn’t want me anymore. I judged this whole situation all wrong. I’m stupid, so, so stupid.

  I hang my head, not daring to see the look on his face. Now that he knows, I don’t want to see the look of shame or pity that could cross his face. I can’t bear it.

  All of a sudden he stands in front of me and kneels back down. I close my eyes and he gently grabs my face with both his hands and lifts it up. His thumbs gently rubbing my tears away and says softly, “I’m sorry Tori. I'm angry, but not at you. I could never be angry at you. Look at me baby, please?”

  His gentle voice and use of the endearment ‘baby’ has me opening my eyes and staring into his. I see nothing but compassion reflected back at me. “I don’t want to scare you, but I need to tell you something. First, we are going to find this sack of shit. I don’t care, we will find him and make him pay for what he did.” His anger is palpable, and his voice quivers.

  “Second, and this may scare you and I’m sorry if it does, but I’m taking my chances. I fell in love with you over a year ago and I never stopped. My feelings never faltered, and I told you, “I never stopped caring, not even from a distance. This doesn’t change how I feel about you. I love you, Tori, and this isn’t going to make me stop or change my mind.”

  I never thought in a million years that he would still want me, or that this wouldn’t change his feelings. My heavy, broken heart has grown a little lighter with each revelation, but with him by my side and no secrets, I feel so much stronger.

  Feeling safer than I have in a long time I plead, “Will you hold me?”

  Without words, he pulls me carefully onto his lap and wraps his strong arms around me; making this the first time I’ve felt safe in a male’s arms in over a year. I feel protected and cherished; that things are finally starting to look up and will be okay. I nuzzle my head in his neck and breathe everything that is Will into every inch of my body.

  We stay like this for a while until it’s late and I know I need to get home. We walk, hand in hand, to my car and hug goodbye.

  I drive home with feelings I never thought I’d get the chance to explore again, and it sure feels a lot like love.

  Chapter 21

  I feel nothing but rage. Complete and utter blinding rage. Rage for what that mother fucker did to my girl and my complete stupidity in failing to protect her. Why did I not walk over to the truck? Why did I assume she was with another guy and walk away? I couldn’t go home and deal with this, so here I am at the lake. I grab at my hair and begin to pull it. I know I’m acting like a crazy person but there aren’t enough words to describe how I feel.


  I yank out my phone and call Maverick, knowing that he’s the one person that can calm my ass down before I do something stupid. With my hands shaking I push the number and stand there until he answers.

  “Hey Will what’s up? I thought you were meeting up with Tori?”

  “I did, I really need to talk. Can you please meet me at the lake?”

  “Sure bro, I’ll leave now.”

  We hang up and I begin to pace. I see a large stick resting on the ground and pick it up. I start swatting at the larger tree. I know I’m acting so unlike myself but I’ve never in my life been as pissed as I am right now in this moment. I don’t know how much time has passed since I started abusing that tree until I hear Maverick’s voice, “Dude, what did that tree, ever do to you?”

  So engrossed in my onslaught, I didn’t hear him pull up. Instead of giving a play by play of mine and Tori’s conversation I look at him and respond with, “Remember how I told you that I spotted her in that truck and then I walked away at the party a year ago?”

  Maverick stands there calm but with a very serious look on his face and nods, “I remember.”

  “How could I have been so stupid? I could have done something, anything to help her. Hell, that mother fucker could have been in jail right now!” I begin pacing again.

  “Will, slow down,” Maverick says. “Tell me what happened.”

  I stop moving and look at him dead in the eyes. “She wasn’t there in that truck because she wanted to be, she was dragged in to that truck.”

  I see realization dawn on Maverick’s face, replaced by a look of horror and I continue, “He did stuff to her, horrible things and when he was done with her, he just opened the door to let her out. I just happened to see her at that exact moment so I turned and walked away. I walked away because I thought she was with some other guy. Turns out she was, but she was forced in there. What kind of person does that make me to walk away from that?”

  I turn around and hop up on the tail gate of my truck and drop my head into my hands. I feel the weight of the tail gate move and then Maverick’s hand on my shoulder. “Will, you can’t beat yourself up over this. How is Tori doing?”