Heartstrings

by Heather Gunter

  “Hey gorgeous, I’ve missed you.”

  “We just talked last night,” I tell him. I know what he means though, it isn’t the same. I’ve missed him as well.

  “Not the same as being right next you, or touching you.” He pulls my hand up so it’s between us.

  Breathlessly I say, “No it’s not.”

  He leans over and kisses my forehead.

  This kissing the forehead thing is going to get old really fast if I don’t get my shit together. It’s sweet, but damn Gina, I ache for a normal kiss. I give myself an inner pep talk, telling myself that I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet and I need to give myself a break.

  All of a sudden I hear the most obnoxious girls’ voices.

  “Hey Will,” they say in unison.

  Ugh ‘the bitches’, Ashley and Miranda.

  Will barely glances at them giving them a slight nod but never looks at them.

  I know for a fact that he’s not crazy about these two, they’re freaking leaches and they made Charlie’s life hell when she and Maverick had broken up. I can’t resist being a bitch back so I turn around and look them straight in the eye and say, “Have you met my boyfriend?”

  I pull away slightly from Will and show them our hand holding. I get a couple of glares back. “Later ladies,” I say and turn back to Will who has a smile/smirk across his face.

  “What?” I ask laughing.

  “That was awesome and so damn hot. I love you being possessive of me and I especially love you calling me your boyfriend.”

  Okay maybe I was a little possessive but I wanted them to know that he was taken and to walk away. “They’re bitches Will, you know that. They just needed to know that you are taken and mine.”

  His eyes darken at the word mine. He pulls me closer and growls, “It’s getting harder and harder for me not to kiss you… But I am a very patient guy and you are so worth waiting for.”

  I pull his hand to my mouth kissing the top of it. “Will this do for now?”

  He smiles nodding but looking affected by a simple kiss on the hand. Clearing his throat he says, “Come on woman, we’ve got a month left of school, let’s get this day done.”

  There is nothing like walking hand in hand into school with him. Nothing. Now I know what Charlie was feeling when she walked in with Maverick for the very first time.

  We spend the day in between classes’ hand holding and quietly talking to each other. I can feel prying eyes all around us throughout the entire day. Some seem completely taken by surprised that we’re a couple, I’m not sure why, the four of us are always together anyway. I spot ‘the bitches’ several times giving me eat shit looks. I just smile sweetly, because that’s how I roll.

  At the end of the day we walk out together to our respective vehicles. We stop at mine and he leans over kissing my forehead once again. “Call me tonight when you get home and let me know you got home safe?”

  “Of course.”

  I squeeze his hand when I hear the most annoying voice. “You know Will, if you need a little something, something that she’s not providing, you know where to find me.”

  Will glances her way and looks irritated with her. “Not if you were the last girl on the planet Ashley.”

  I don’t respond to her but I’m a little shaken. It all boils back to sex and my doubts begin to pile up.

  He tilts my head up making sure that we’re in direct eye contact and says, “Hey, ignore her. Okay? She is nothing and says stupid shit, you know that.”

  I nod my head, opening my car door and getting in. Before he shuts it he says quietly, “Love you and call me.”

  He doesn’t wait for me to answer before shutting the door. I wave and pull out, heading for group.

  This is a part of the relationship that hangs over my head like a proverbial monsoon. Is this something he’ll be able to handle? This is where I am completely insecure. Am I going to be enough for him? I know he’s not that kind of guy, but that’s the thing, he’s a guy. I know they have their needs.

  I reach the church where group is held and walk through those doors. It seems like it’s been a long time since I first made myself walk through the threshold. Hard to believe it’s only been a week. I walk through feeling so much more comfortable after last week’s session. I think having a bunch of females discuss their most private and demeaning moments will thrust you into it front and center, making you deal with it. If these people that don’t know me can share then why shouldn’t I? Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared out of my damn mind. My heart is beating faster than normal due to my nervousness, but I press on.

  I spot Tiffiney and Sam and gingerly walk over to them to say hello. The moment I reach them, Sam smiles and says, “Hi Tori, right?”

  “Yes, and you’re Sam and Tiffiney?” I say looking directly at each one to make sure I’ve got it right. Hell, it wouldn’t be the first time I got two people’s names incorrect.

  They nod and looking at Tiffiney I ask, “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure, I’m pretty open. But I think I know what you’re going to ask, this is a question about my boyfriend, right?”

  I feel slightly embarrassed about this question, but decide to ask anyway, “I know you said that your boyfriend has been very supportive but how hard was it to kiss him for the first time?”

  Noticing my discomfort she answers, “Don’t feel embarrassed, it’s a valid question. I think it’s different for everyone. Cameron’s been very supportive and I had to learn to feel comfortable to be around a male again. I mean, deep down I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but it was instinct to move away at the very beginning. I almost had to train and tell myself that it was okay and that he’d never hurt me. I spent so much time with him and he didn’t want to leave my side, but he respected my space. Not to say that it was easy. It wasn’t and it was harder than anything for him to try to get past his anger with it. He’s still working on it. As far as kissing goes, it wasn’t too long, but don’t rush it. Do it when you feel ready. It’s different for everybody.”

  I’m amazed at how open and understanding she is with all of my questions. “Thank you for being so open with me.” I feel the need to share seeing as how she was understanding with my questions. “I told Will and he did get angry but not at me. He’s been very patient and still wants to be with me, which I completely find surreal.”

  We walk over to our seats and get ready for group to start. Tiffiney says, “Well, you and I are the lucky ones, most of the time your first instinct is correct as far as being open about your rape with your boyfriend. Most guys don’t stick around, so we’re lucky, it doesn’t happen often.”

  I nod my head in agreement and group begins. We discuss openly about certain feelings and steps we’d taken after we’d been raped. It amazes me that I’m not the only one that tried to forget it and pretend that it never happened.

  I decide to share some of my story. Looking down at my hands I say, “I walked home as soon as it happened in a daze and got in the shower and scrubbed myself clean. That was my first instinct. I thought I could scrub it all away. Obviously you can’t and I didn’t. But my first instinct was not to go the police.” I glance back up, looking around me at all of these people that have been through this and feel a sense of companionship and closeness with perfect strangers. The things that have been discussed are so personal and I feel so much more at ease this time around. “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

  The instructor smiles at me, “Thank you for sharing that with us Tori. Many don’t go the police right after it’s happened. Yes, you should but a lot of times that isn’t your first instinct. Everyone is different and no matter what anyone says there is no right or wrong way. I can’t tell you that going home to wash yourself clean was bad. This I can tell you without a doubt. You’re here and you’re getting help. You are no longer a victim, but a survivor, taking the necessary steps to heal yourself and that you should be commended for. You all should.”

  I smil
e inwardly knowing that I’m doing everything I can to help me and it feels pretty damn good.

  Chapter 27

  I lay on top of my bed and contemplate the last several days. I had my therapy appointment, where I discussed in detail mind you, several things that were far from pleasant to talk about and it put me in a funk for a couple of days. I had to go into detail about my rape. I’d been avoiding it like the plague and she said we needed to revisit it, that the sooner we discussed it the better it would be for me. It was hard as hell and I broke down several times. I had to explain the ‘biting kisses’ that made me cringe having to repeat and the endless tears that cascaded their way down my face. We had to stop several times so I could calm down and breathe. These were things I never wanted to remember and things that I hadn’t told anyone, including my mom or Charlie. It’s hard to relive the past when you want so very desperately to forget it.

  Towards the end of the session she brought up Will and wanted to know where we stood and how I was feeling. I talked about our group date and how it went and how I had told him that I’d loved him, but that I hadn’t meant to, it had just sort of slipped out. To my surprise she said that it wasn’t a bad thing. It meant that I was letting my actual feelings for him take over and I wasn’t living in the past, seeing myself as unworthy of being loved. She said that it was a good sign and that it meant I was beginning to heal. She also reiterated that I would go through moments of second guessing myself, which I know I have. I’ve done it repeatedly already, over and over.

  I asked her what she thought about my one on one date with Will. Given it had been my idea she didn’t see a problem with it as long as I felt comfortable and I was taking a positive step. I ended the conversation telling her that I just wanted to be normal and be able to kiss Will without feeling scared that I would freak out. She’d told me that being normal was highly overrated. I thought it was a funny thing for a therapist to say.

  Will’s been great but I’m concerned that something is bothering him. At first I thought that he might be having second thoughts about me or us, but his actions don’t support that. I can’t quite put my finger on it. He’s attentive and caring and always mindful of my feelings. Constantly, he makes a point of hand holding, always needing to touch me.

  My forehead also seems to be getting a lot of action these days and my lips are starting to get jealous. My mind goes back and forth with, “Am I ready for this or am I going to flip out?” Dr. Heart thinks that I’m over-thinking it and says I need to just take things slow and listen to my instincts. I know she’s right, but hell, I’m human and I can’t help it. I over-think things now and I never used to. I never would have spent so much time on the thought of kissing Will, I would have just done it. But rape will change you in several different ways. In some ways I’m still the old Tori but in a lot of ways I’m not. This Tori has some insecurities now that I didn’t have before. This Tori thinks things through when before I would have jumped without ever giving it a second thought.

  I’ve had to ward ‘the bitches’ off a couple of times. Maverick and Will have both told them to back off several times but they don’t seem to get it. Charlie and I have taken it upon ourselves several times to tell them to back the hell off. Charlie’s been very vocal, which normally isn’t her, it is some seriously funny shit. Maverick and Will just stand there with smiles on their faces, like they’re enjoying the show, watching their girls get territorial. Guys can be such turds. Though I’ve never seen such desperate girls who didn’t understand the concept of no. I almost feel sorry for them; almost.

  So many things run through my mind. Tomorrow is my one on one date with Will. I’m excited about it being the two of us but I’m also nervous and I don’t want to screw anything up. I decide to quit thinking so damn much and hop up off of the bed and pick out my clothes for tomorrow. I’m not sure why, but this time it’s easier to dress myself. I decide on a cute eyelet summer dress. It’s fitted and a little on the short side, showcasing my tan legs and small waist. I hang it up at the top of the frame of my closet when I hear a knock on the door.

  “Come in.”

  My mom peeps her head in the door and walks in. “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

  “Sure, what’s up?”

  She looks down and I can tell that she’s thinking long and hard before she says whatever’s on her mind. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I do mean a lot.”

  “Okay,” I say tentatively.

  She pats the side of the bed, signaling for me to take a seat next to her and sighs, looking up at me. “I want you and me to go the police.” Before I can respond she holds up her hand signaling that’s she’s not done. “I know it’s been a year since your rape, but Tori, I feel like we need to go talk to them and at least give your best description that you can. I made a call and spoke to a detective. He was really nice and not what I expected, he seemed genuinely concerned and said that coming in now would still be okay. That there is still a possibility that your description could be similar to someone else’s. Let’s face it honey, if this happened to you then chances are it has happened to someone else.” She rushes on, “I haven’t wanted to push you and you’ve been doing so well the last couple of weeks, but Tori it’s time. I know you’re still having nightmares, but I think this could help them. It pisses me off that this guy is running loose and who knows we may be able to find the ass hole.”

  “You’re right,” heaving out a breath of air. She looks as if she’s getting ready to argue with me, but then at hearing my words, looks relieved.

  “Really? You’re not going to fight with me?”

  I shake my head no. “How can I argue with that? I need to do something and maybe this will make me feel like I’m doing it. Truthfully I should have gone a year ago, instead I’ve ended up holding onto it for a year and never told a soul. Again, I should have gone a couple of weeks ago but I was a mess. These last couple of weeks have taught me so much. Don’t get me wrong I’m messed up still, without a doubt, but if I can do something, anything to make this right, I will. I’m just now realizing my strength and finally beginning to heal.”

  With tears in her eyes, she grabs my hand. “I’m so, so proud of you and I’m so very proud to call you my daughter.”

  I lean my head down on her shoulder and a couple of tears trickle down. “I really wish I’d told you when it first happened. I was just so ashamed and felt so guilty. I felt for the longest time that it was my fault and I never wanted to disappoint you. I know it isn’t, but some days I have to remind myself of that.”

  “Tori, don’t you realize that you could never disappoint me? I love you so much and if you ever need reminding on those bad days, come find me. It may not help, but I will always be here to remind you that you were innocent and blameless in your rape.”

  I don’t say anything at first and we sit in silence for a few more minutes. Finally I say, “I told Will I loved him last week. I didn’t mean to, but I blurted it out. I’ve liked him for so long but it was solidified the day I took a chance and told him my deepest and darkest secret. He didn’t treat me any different and treated me like I was special even though…”

  I trail off because I hate saying it, the words been said enough tonight.

  “I know, I can tell,” my mom says, “He’s a good guy. I’ve always liked Will and I knew you both liked each other and I could see it grow into more, but then talks of Will disappeared. I will always feel some sort of guilt for not asking about it. I should have realized something had happened and that your behavior had changed. You did a good job of hiding it and acting like everything was okay, but I’m your mother and I should have known. I was still consumed with missing your dad I think and I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

  I lean up and look at her and can’t believe that she feels guilty over this. “No mom, don’t feel guilty. You were still going through things. I know you tried to hide it, but I knew you were.”

  “Well Tori, it’s my job as your mom
to know when something isn’t right and I’m sorry, I truly am.”

  “Well I think it’s time we both quit feeling guilty over things that happened in the past that we have no control over, don’t you think?” I say looking up to her.

  “How did you get so smart? Oh yeah, because you take after me.”

  Yep the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, that’s where I get my smart mouth from.

  My mom looks over at the dress hanging over the closet door. “Is that what you’re wearing tomorrow on your date?”

  “Yep, you like?”

  “That Will is some lucky guy,” She says and winks at me. “Are you sure you’re fine to go out tomorrow night with just the two of you?”

  I nod my head yes and reply, “I feel comfortable with him. He treats me with such care, sometimes too much care.” I grumble the last part quietly and look away a little embarrassed at my statement. I sigh and say, “I’m appreciative and grateful of how he treats me, but my head is getting a ton of action lately.”

  My mom throws her head back and laughs, “I for one am glad he’s this way.”

  “Yeah, I know me too. I want to see if I can handle kissing him without freaking. I’m just talking about a kiss, not a complete make out session.”

  Just then my cell phone rings. I get up to grab it and look down at the screen. “It’s Will.”