Backstage Dirty (The Savage Light Rockers #1)

by Jenika Snow

  “At least Zoe is having a good time.”

  “I’m having a good time,” she said.

  He looked at Tanner after she spoke. “Yeah?”

  She smiled and shrugged. “I mean, this place is crazy, that’s for sure, but yeah, I’m having a good time.” She pushed him lightly on the shoulder and grinned wider. “Besides, why would I pass up hanging out with one of the most desirable rock stars on the planet?” They stared at each other for a few seconds, and although the sound of clapping, laughing, and shouts came through the glass of the sliding doors, it was like none of that mattered.

  Her cheeks turned pink the longer he stared at her, and he forced himself to turn away and lean against the stone banister. They were twelve floors up, and he leaned over slightly and felt the gust of wind move by his face. He turned his head to the side and saw her doing the same thing.

  “This is wild, Jacks.” She looked at him. “I mean, I knew you guys would always make it, but I never thought it would be this soon, and never imagined this kind of grandeur.”

  “You didn’t think we’d make it to the top?” He was teasing her.

  “Of course I did.” She bumped her shoulder against his. “I just meant it’s hard for me to even picture you living this kind of lifestyle, even when it is right in front of me.” She turned and leaned her back against the banister and stared through the glass doors. “I mean, drugs, sex, and rock & roll, huh.” She didn’t phrase it like a question. “It’s got to be all so crazy for you, too, right?” Her focus was still on the party. “Even all these years later.”

  He turned around, too, and leaned against the stone. He could have answered her question, but he had other things on his mind, things that were better left unsaid, yet things he couldn’t stop thinking about now that she was right in front of him. Over the years he had been able to immerse himself in this lifestyle and his music, even though she was always on his mind.

  “I mean, look at Marcus—I mean Five—he didn’t leave Rosco’s with a brunette, yet there is a half-naked one hanging on him.” She looked over at Jacks and grinned. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to calling him Five.” She shook her head and stared at the crowd again. “And Matty? He always spoke his mind and did what he wanted, but I’ve never seen him act so blatant in the sexual department as he was with that redhead, especially in front of all these people.” She started laughing softly. “It’s just insane.” They were silent for a moment, both staring at the party still. “Hey, I have been meaning to ask you all night.” She turned so she was slightly facing him, “What’s up with Marcus and the nickname Five? Or do I even want to know?”

  He scratched his neck and chuckled, but it was kind of in the uncomfortable category. “Well, I don’t think you really want to know, but if you do I’ll tell you.” He was still watching her, and her grin spread.

  “It’s raunchy, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, it is.”

  Her smile was contagious.

  “Well, go on, don’t keep me guessing, although I have an idea of what it might be now that you said it was sexual.” She rolled her eyes. “Marcus also was one to stick it in anything that had a hole.” She started laughing.

  He shook his head, still smiling, and stared at her. Christ, she was so pretty. “Well, when we first hit it big we were playing at Red Rocks. The crowd was fucking insane, and it was a damn rush of adrenaline to hear everyone chanting our names.” He started chuckling, again a little awkwardly. “Uh, after the concert we were partying. We couldn’t find Marcus, and being drunker than fuck and not knowing any better we went in search for him. We had rented out the penthouse of the hotel we were staying at, so there were two other rooms on the floor. We found him in one of them, screwing five different girls.” It got so silent between them that he swore he heard damn crickets making noise even from the height they were at.

  “You’re kidding?”

  He brought his beer to his mouth and drank half of it. He set the bottle on the edge of the balcony and shook his head. “I wish I was.”

  She was laughing so hard now that he couldn’t help but follow suit. “Oh my God. That’s like those crazy sex stories you see on TV, like how sex brought them to the hospital.” She wiped stray tears from her eyes and sobered slightly. “Wait, how was that even possible? I mean, he has one. Well, you know ... thing.” She made a punching motion, and he stared at her for a second.

  “Did you seriously just do that as the action for fucking?” He curled his hand into a fist and mimicked what she had just done.

  She licked her lips and looked away. “Yeah, sorry. Michael has been doing that when he talks with his friends about porking some chick.”

  Now it was his turn to burst out laughing at her use of the term “porking”. “How is your brother anyway?”

  “He’s good. Just graduated high school, but he’s in that mode where he doesn’t feel like doing anything productive. He hasn’t even applied to any colleges yet. My parents are kind of pissed about that.” She shrugged. “Honestly, I think he sees his little garage band making it big like you guys did.”

  “Hey, we started out in my parents’ basement.”

  She turned and looked at him. “No, you guys actually took the music seriously. You practiced every day, for hours every night. Michael and his band are just sloppy with it all. They practice maybe once a week, and half the time they are drunk. Honestly, I don’t think he cares much aside from thinking he’ll make a shitload of money, and have girls throwing themselves at him.” She shook her head and brushed her bangs aside.

  He wanted to curl his fingers into his palm to stop himself, but he lifted his hand regardless and brushed away a stray piece of dark hair on her cheek. Everything stilled around them, and when she looked at him with clear surprise on her face he swore he could hear his heart in his ears. “Sorry.” He didn’t know why he was apologizing, but it sounded like the right thing to do, like he had overstepped some invisible “friends only line”.

  He hadn’t seen her for a long time, and doing little things he had done years ago didn’t seem appropriate. But even though it had been so long it was like he was back in his bed, with her underneath him, and his cock deep inside of her body. Don’t even go there, man. Your dick is about two seconds away from bursting as it is.

  “No reason to apologize, but thank you for wanting to.” She looked at him through the veil of her lashes, but it was an innocent look, and not that he had seen countless time from women trying to sleep with him. That was why he also cared about Tanner the way he had…she was genuine.

  He shoved his hands in his front pockets, and looked down, trying to get his thoughts off of her and what he wanted to do, and to a purer intent. It wasn’t that he just wanted to fuck her, because although he did want her in a bad way, he just liked being around her. She had always had this light that surrounded her, and although it sounded kind of cheesy, it was the truth. She had the ability to make him laugh when he was angry, and to have him realize the many times he had been wrong. The thing with Tanner was he felt like this inexperienced schoolboy around her. He had always felt that way, even if he could act the opposite. Yeah, they had grown up together, but there was something different with her. There had always been something different with her, something that had drawn him. It sounded so fucking dumb when he thought about it, but it was the truth. Where he could just curl his finger and a groupie would be there with her panties around her ankles, he felt damn nervous with Tanner. If she knew all the fucking nasty sex he’d had backstage after concerts, the filthy kind that he usually felt ashamed of and in need of a shower when he finished, she would probably never let him touch her.

  “So, you never told me how it was physically possible for Five to do all those chicks.” There was an easygoing tone in her voice, curiosity even, but he knew as soon as he told her she’d realize just how different the guys were since the last time they were together.

  “He had them in a damn line, was pumping three t
imes and then moving down to the next.”

  She stared at him for a moment, no expression on her face, and then finally she wrinkled her nose.

  “You asked.” He grinned.

  She looked away, and then looked back at him. “Yeah, you’re right. I did.” She laughed and shook her head. “That is so nasty and slutty on so many levels … and for all parties. I mean, what kind of person would willingly let a guy use her like that?”

  “A girl that wants to get fucked by a rock star.” He said it without missing a beat, and without hesitation. That was the world they lived in, as sad as that was. They stared at each other for a moment. “Tanner, if I had stayed in there and not brought you out to the patio there would have been a lot more thrust in my face than that pair of tits.”

  She nodded but didn’t say anything for several seconds. When she finally did speak there was no disgust in her voice like he assumed there might be at knowing that. “Yeah, I’m sure. It’s just … does it ever get old? Or maybe too much?” She turned and leaned her side on the banister. “I know you love the music, and it’s a part of you, but I don’t know if I could handle the drugs and random sex if the roles were reversed.”

  He really didn’t need to think about her words, because he knew what she meant. This life wasn’t for everyone, and had ruined a lot of musicians. It had a way of sucking a person down, consuming them until there wasn’t anything left, and then they were nothing. But he and Tanner were talking about him and not any of the other guys—Beats to be specific. Their rise to fame had been recorded by the news, television, and anyone willing to gossip, but when Beats had hit rock bottom no one had even known it had been that bad. His recovery hadn’t been publicized, they had made sure of that, but it had been one hard as fuck task to complete. He looked at Beats now, knew that he shouldn’t even be around this kind of shit, but ever since he got cleaned up two years ago he changed in a way that none of them could really describe. Even after Jacks and the other two guys sat down with him, asked him if he would prefer the parties to be held elsewhere, a place that wasn’t right up in his face, Beats had always said no. His reasoning was he wanted things to be the way they were, even if it was hard at times. Jacks couldn’t say he was happy at the time with that decision, and had even feared Beats would relapse, but it had been two years since their drummer had gone down that dark hole, and he had been clean ever since.

  “I guess I am just kind of numb to it. At first it was great. The parties, the hot chicks throwing themselves at me and wiling to just give it up because I was in Savage Light…” When he glanced at her he saw she was watching him intently. “It was great, and I had this high all the time from the lifestyle.” He was going to bring up the fact he had done his fair share of drugs, had drunk enough alcohol that he could have supplied his own liquor store, and that he had slept with more women than he could even remember over the last five years. He wasn’t proud of any of that shit, especially not with Tanner right next to him, but like he said before, this lifestyle had a way of sucking a person down. They stayed quiet for several seconds, just watching the party again. A lot of shit was moving through his mind since she had brought up the lifestyle, because he couldn’t help but compare how he felt now, to what he was feeling before. He looked at Beats, saw him talking to Zoe with their faces close together, and wondered why the other guy had never seen Zoe as more than just a friend. She was gorgeous, funny, and they had been close forever. But Beats had his own demons that he had fought, and he had been clean for a longer time without relapsing, despite the shit that circulated around them constantly.

  “I think it takes a strong person to be a famous musician, or any other profession that puts you in the spotlight like this.” She turned and looked at him when he didn’t answer. “Everything okay?”

  Jacks ran a hand over his jaw, felt the stubble that was starting to come in, and breathed out. He didn’t think he could ignore all the thoughts in his head, or the questions that refused to stay buried. Now was just as good a time as any to bring this shit up he supposed. “Why did you haul ass out of town after we slept together?”

  ****

  The music, the drugs and booze, all of it was thrust in his face like an evil temptation that wouldn’t let up its sadistic hold. If Beats was smart he would have turned away from all of this, hidden in a room until the devil and his toys were no longer in his face. He tipped back his beer, the only thing he allowed himself to drink that was alcohol related after all the shit he had willingly put himself through. He looked at Zoe, with her softness surrounding her, and the scent of something sweet filling his nose and drowning out all of the waste that filled the room. He shouldn’t be staring at her so blatantly, and if he was a better man he would have taken her away from the drugs, the tits and pussy that were on full display right in front of them, and told her all the things he should have said. But Beats had never told anyone how he felt for her, never wanted to risk breaking up the tightly knit bond they all had. There was a part of him that said acting platonic with Zoe, almost to the point that he could disregard the way she looked at him, talked to him, and clearly cared for him, was a totally fucked up thing to do. And then there was another part that said why should he hide the way he felt because he was afraid to rock the boat? But it wasn’t just about them all being best friends, but also that he was just as close to her older brother Lane as he was with Matty, Jacks, and Five.

  He curled his free hand into a fist, and brought his beer up to his mouth with his other one and finished off the beer. He would have set it on the table, but the pink haired chick was still getting coke snorted off of her pussy, and was getting her tits felt up by two different guys. He looked at Zoe again, saw how big her eyes were, and felt like the biggest fucking prick in the world.

  “Come on.” He grabbed her hand and stood, pulling her up in the process, too.

  “Where are we going?” Her long blonde hair was in a low, loose ponytail, and a few strands fell from the confines of the elastic holding it together.

  Shit, he wanted to touch her hair, brush it away from her face and see if it was as soft as it looked. He should have won a fucking Academy Award for his acting skills in playing it off like she was one of the guys. He had never even told his band-mates, and they knew every disgusting detail of his life and downfall. How would Zoe see him if she knew at one point in his life, not long ago in fact, he had been the slave to the chemical kind of comfort? He shook his head and gritted his teeth, but he didn’t stop moving through the crowd and right out of the room. He wanted to be alone with her, just to talk and catch up. This life was great, but he wanted to go back in time to a place where he wasn’t snorting coke, popping pills, and passing out on the bathroom floor of too many hotel bathrooms to count.

  Chapter Four

  Tanner’s heart was beating fast and hard, and she rolled what Jacks had just said in her head over and over again. She had thought about the way she had left Brookstone not long after they had slept together, and how up until she had left she had kept her distance. There was no denying it was a shitty thing to do, but at the time it had felt like the right thing to do. Of course she had ben young and stupid, and even though five years wasn’t really a long time in the grand scheme of things, Tanner had grown and matured a lot. That night had been the most wonderful experience she had ever had, but once the euphoria had settled and reality crashed back into her, she had realized that what she had done was probably the biggest mistake of her life. A lot of fears had slammed into her, ones of a ruined friendship, the awkwardness and confrontation, and then the silence. They were all things that petrified her. She didn’t just love Jacks as a friend. She had been in love with him—still was, too.

  She exhaled, knowing that this would eventually come up, but not thinking it would have been on the same night they reunited. “Leaving, at that time at least, just seemed like the right thing to do.” They were quiet for several seconds, and she was actually afraid to look at him to see his expression
.

  “The right thing to do?” The way Jacks spoke was almost deadpan, like he didn’t have any emotion left inside of him.

  “Yeah.” She licked her lips and glanced down at her feet. “I was a scared eighteen year old girl that had just let one of her best friends take her virginity. I worried about losing everything we had. Running might seem like the stupidest thing I have ever done when I think about it now, but, Jacks, in my mind at the time it seemed like the only thing that was smart.” She looked at him then.

  He didn’t look upset, and in fact didn’t look like anything. He was just stoic, and she hated that most of all.

  “You know, I loved you back then, Tanner.”

  “I know, Jacks. I loved you, too. You were one of my best friends.”

  He was shaking his head before she even finished.

  “No, I loved you in the not best friend kind of way.” He held her gaze with his own for several long seconds. “I was so fucking in love with you, and when we had sex it wasn’t because we had been drinking, or that it just was something to pass the time. I was not fucking you, but making love to you.”

  Her heart started pounding fast and hard at his words. She remembered the sex, the hard and rough thrusting, but also the soft kisses, the way he had stroked her lips with his tongue, and then licked every part of her body like he was trying to memorize her. He had been rough and brutal, consuming and intoxicating, but for Jacks and the guy he was, it had been perfect and right. She rubbed her eyes, wishing that this conversation hadn’t taken place at this wild ass party. As it was she could hear girls squealing, and when she looked up she could see that some guys were sucking and biting at the women’s nipples.

  “I have wanted to have this conversation for a while, Jacks. I just wish it wasn’t where some chick was getting coke sucked off of her crotch.” Before she knew what was happening he had her hand in his, was leading them back to the party, and right out the front doors. “Jacks, what are you doing?” She had managed to wave and shrug to Zoe, who was still sitting right beside Beats, but it had been fast and in passing.