Hearts of Blue

by L.H. Cosway

  I clenched my thighs around him tight, feeling the sensation build in my core. He grunted when he began fucking me in hard, measured thrusts, and pleasure shattered though my body. Rubbing faster at my clit, he captured my lips in his and plunged his tongue against mine. I felt completely possessed, like he was everywhere all at once; his taste in my mouth, his noises in my ears, his cock doing wonderful things to my insides. Everything in me coiled tight, the onslaught that was Lee reaching his pinnacle, and I came for the second time that night. Only now it was so much more, because I felt him coming, too, filling me as his breathing grew choppy and his movements began to slow.

  “Jesus,” he said, his forehead resting on mine again.

  Our hearts seemed to beat in time, our breaths matching as he held me to him so tight I didn’t think he was ever going to let go.

  “You make me feel so fucking alive,” Lee said fervently, his words muffled by my skin. “Made for me.”

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him close, a strange fear clutching at my heart. A silence fell between us until Lee flipped us over, wrapping his arms around me and spooning me from behind.

  “You’re being awfully quiet,” he whispered in my ear, and there was a touch of uncertainty in his words, like he was worried I was going to run on him.

  I lifted his hand and intertwined our fingers. “I’m just frightened, Lee. The way I feel about you, it’s intense. It scares me.”

  His arm tightened around me, pulling my body closer to his. “I feel it, too, the intensity. It shouldn’t scare you.”

  For some reason, my eyes grew watery, and I couldn’t understand why I was being so emotional. Maybe it was the way he spoke. Here, alone with me in his bed, his voice was different. There was no cocky bravado or teasing. He was just open, real, and it made it difficult to keep a handle on my feelings.

  A single tear rolled down my cheek, and I was glad I wasn’t facing him right then. He’d probably think I was a complete head case, crying after sex. It was just that being with him made everything else in my life a lie, and yet, the idea of being without him made everything seem empty and grey. So I was trapped in the lie. In fact, I’d walked right into it willingly with both eyes open.

  I pressed my cheek into the pillow to dry away the tears and turned in his arms. Needing the comfort, I buried my face in his neck and felt a breath whoosh out of him.

  “Karla?” said Lee, his tone questioning.

  I spoke into his skin. “I just really, really like you. I like the things you do to me, and I don’t want to lose them.”

  Feeling his jaw move, I thought he might be smiling. “If it’s any consolation, I really like the things I do to you, too. Actually, I fucking love them. And you won’t lose me, so long as you make the choice to be with me.”

  I lifted my head to meet his eyes. “But it’s impossible. We can never have a normal relationship. Other than Alexis and Reya, there isn’t a single person in my life I could tell about you, no one who wouldn’t condemn me for it.”

  “It’s simple, then — don’t tell them.”

  “So what do we do, sneak around?”

  “If that’s what it takes.”

  My lips turned downward. “How would that even work?”

  “We’d figure it out. I’m very inventive,” he replied, waggling his eyebrows.

  I laughed softly, and he caught my lips in his for a quick kiss. “For tonight, let’s not worry about it. Tomorrow’s a new day.”

  Lee pulled me back down into the pillows and I closed my eyes, snuggling into his chest this time. His hand stroked soothingly up and down my spine, and before I knew it, I was out cold.

  I woke some time in the middle of the night, hearing voices. The room was dark, but a thin sliver of light trickled in from outside. Blinking my eyes open, I saw Lee standing with the door slightly ajar, wearing only his boxer briefs. Stu was outside, and he didn’t look happy. I immediately closed my eyes, feigning sleep.

  “I’m sorry, bruv, but you’re losing it. All that cop pussy’s blurring your vision.”

  “Oi, eyes on me. You try looking in my room again, and I swear I’ll deck you,” Lee warned him.

  Crap. I suddenly realised that my legs and a good deal of my left breast were exposed. I must have kicked the blankets off in my sleep. My skin prickled with the need to cover up, but if I moved, they’d know I was listening.

  “How do you know she’s not snitching on us to her bosses?” Stu asked, his voice gruff.

  “Because she doesn’t know anything. Besides, other than what happened with Liam, we haven’t caught an inch of heat lately. What’s between me and Karla is between us. It’s got nothing to do with her job or this family.”

  “It has everything to do with them. Christ, Lee, how can it not?”

  Abruptly, I didn’t want to hear any more, because if he said something incriminating right then, it’d put me in a bad position. I’d have to decide whether or not to report it, and I didn’t want to report anything. I just wanted to forget about my job for a while and enjoy being with Lee for however long it might last. Letting out what I hoped sounded like a sleepy sigh, I shifted in place. Both brothers went silent before Stu said, “I’m going. Just think about it, Lee. You’re supposed to be the smart one.”

  With that the door clicked shut, and I felt the bed dip as Lee climbed back in beside me. He didn’t ask if I was awake, just draped an arm around me and pressed a kiss to the back of my head. Before long I heard his breathing even out, and I knew he’d fallen back asleep. I struggled with the decision on whether or not to leave, but his warmth felt too good, and in spite of the fact that Stu had spoken a lot of sense, I was far too comfortable in Lee’s bed to go anywhere.

  ***

  The next time I woke up, the bed was empty again. Somehow though, I sensed that I wasn’t alone. Rolling onto my side, I rubbed at my eyes and blinked a few times. Lee was sitting in an armchair in the corner of the room. He was topless, his hair wet and a towel tucked about his waist. He must have taken a shower. His chin rested on his fist as he studied me, his expression pensive, and I wondered what he was thinking about.

  “How long have you been sitting there?” I asked, holding the duvet to my chest as I sat up.

  Lee cocked an eyebrow at my attempt to cover myself, obviously because he’d seen everything there was to see last night. “Not too long.”

  Our eyes locked, and I felt goose bumps rise on my skin. His gaze was possessive, knowing, and memories of what we’d done the night before flittered through my mind. I could still smell him on me, and it made my thighs quiver in want. Several quiet moments passed.

  “Where’d you get the scar, Snap?” Lee asked, his curiosity evident on his face.

  My heart gave a sharp thud of both pain and surprise. Surprise that he cared enough to ask, and pain because of what it represented. I hugged the duvet tighter around myself.

  “When I was a kid, I was in a car accident with my parents. The impact came from the side and there were glass fragments embedded in my abdomen. I had some internal injuries, so I had to stay in hospital for a couple of weeks. God, it was boring,” I said, trying to offset my discomfort.

  Lee sucked in a sharp breath, his expression sympathetic. “Karla.”

  I waved him off. “It was a long time ago.”

  “Well, I always say that a scar’s better than being dead.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Lee frowned. “Is there something else you’re not telling me?”

  The tenderness in his voice made my throat tighten. I hadn’t planned on telling him anything, but the truth just came spilling out of me anyway as I blurted, “My internal injuries were bad. I can’t have children.”

  In the quiet of the room, the sentence sounded shockingly stark. Lee didn’t speak for a second, and I stared at my hands. Before I knew it, the bed dipped and warm, muscular arms wrapped around me from behind. Lee pulled me into his embrace, and there was something about the gesture tha
t made me feel worse and better at the same time.

  “Did you always want kids?” he asked in a whisper, his mouth resting at my temple.

  “Not always. But once something is taken away from you, you tend to want it more. I know I can live a full life without children, but it’s like my heart gets all horrible and heavy when I think about the fact that I…that I can’t.”

  “You could adopt,” Lee suggested, his hand lowering to my thigh and stroking.

  I let out a joyless laugh. “It’s not the same.”

  He heaved a breath. “No, I suppose not.”

  A long quiet elapsed, Lee’s chin resting on my shoulder, his breath warming the side of my neck. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d been held like this, skin to skin, feeling cut open and exposed, yet sewn up and healed all at once.

  Lee’s voice was low and solemn when he said, “We’re stronger in the places that we’ve been broken.”

  His words hit me square in the gut, the sentiment causing my eyes to grow a little wet, and I wondered who he was quoting from.

  “Who said that?” I whispered.

  “Hemingway.”

  A soft, surprised laugh escaped me, even though my eyes were still watery. “You read Hemingway?”

  I felt him move his head in a shake. “There used to be this tunnel near where an old friend of mine lived. Lots of graffiti on the walls. I remember walking home one night and seeing this mural in crazy vibrant colours with that quote as the centrepiece. You ever read words and they just make sense to you? I had one of those moments.”

  “Yeah, the truth of them just kind of…resonates,” I said.

  Lee caught my chin between his fingers, turning my face so he could look me straight in the eye. I’d never seen his expressin so sincere. “The strongest part of you is the broken one, and having kids isn’t the only way you can become a parent, Karla. The way you protect people makes you a mother to the world.”

  His statement struck the centre of my heart and I clung to it, feeling a renewed sense of meaning about myself. I’d never thought of it that way before. Seriously, I had to change the subject, because otherwise I was seriously going to start bawling. The warmth of his hand felt soothing, and I was suddenly curious about him. “You’ll probably have a dozen kids running around one day. I can definitely see that for you. You practically raised your own brothers, after all.”

  He was silent for longer than I expected, and he seemed thoughtful. Maybe it was the insinuation that his future would be with someone else, filled with someone else’s children. The idea pained me more than it should have. His breath warmed my cheeks as he mustered a reply. “Nah, maybe raising my brothers was enough for one lifetime. And let’s remember, I didn’t exactly do a bang-up job.”

  “You did your best. You were only a kid yourself.”

  “I was ruthless, but that’s only because I had to be.”

  I snuggled further into his arms and placed a hand on his cheek. “You know, I might end up regretting telling you this someday, but if I’d been in your position, I’d probably have made the exact same choices.”

  Lee’s nostrils flared, and his gaze intensified at my words. They were the truth. I could sit on my high horse, spouting moral virtues, but I knew that if I’d been born into Lee’s situation, I would have done whatever it took to survive. Perhaps we were more similar than I cared to admit.

  Dipping his head, he caught my lips in a kiss and pulled me on top of him. Both his hands stroked my thighs as he stared up at me, his eyes hooded.

  “I like you,” he murmured.

  “I like you, too.”

  “You shouldn’t be so cynical about what we could be, you know.”

  I crinkled my brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means I know what you were playing at just now, talking about me having kids, like the idea of you being in my future is such an impossibility.”

  “Lee,” I said, air whooshing out of me when his thumbs dug into my muscles, massaging out the kinks. “My dad would disown me if he knew I was with you.”

  “So what? You don’t even like the man.”

  “I know that, but he’s my father. Besides, he’s a product of his environment. My parents grew up at a time when you couldn’t walk down the street without worrying if a bomb was going to go off. That kind of thing hardens people.”

  “Hmm.” Lee grinned.

  “Don’t ‘hmm’ me, you cheeky little shit. And what’s the grin for?”

  “It’s for the fact that you’re gonna forget all this serious talk in a minute when I fuck you.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Really. So hard it’ll rewire that brain of yours, so afterward, when you think about the future, all you can see is me in it.”

  Reaching up, he palmed both my breasts, then bent forward and captured one of my nipples in his mouth. The action rendered me incapable of doing anything but surrendering. And when he flipped me over and pulled me onto all fours, he made good on his promise, because it might have been morning, but I really did see stars.

  Thirteen

  I was laughing so hard I had to bend over and hold my stomach, so hard that tears were rolling down my cheeks. Tony and I were sitting in the break room eating lunch and trying not to wet ourselves as Keira did an impression of DI Jennings.

  “Constable, tuck your shirt in and straighten your tie. You look like the vagrant lovechild of Keith Richards and Worzel Gummidge.”

  “Stop!” I begged, trying to calm my laughter. “I haven’t heard anyone use Worzel Gummidge as a reference since I was five years old.”

  “That’s because you never bloody listen, do you, Sheehan? Cotton wool in the ears,” Keira clipped, not dropping the act.

  I swiped a thumb under my eyes, finally calming down, and glanced up. The smile immediately fled my features, because standing in the doorway was none other than Jennings herself. Keira had her back turned, continuing with her impression. Jennings’ face was indecipherable, and I went completely silent, waiting for her to stride into the room and put Keira in her place. But she didn’t do that. Instead, she cast me a quick, uncomfortable glance, turned on her heel, and left without a word.

  I wanted to tell Keira that she’d been caught, but I knew it’d only make her worry. If Jennings planned on reprimanding her, it was going to happen whether I told her or not. Packing away the end of my lunch, I felt a strange urge to go after Jennings. Even if she did relish making my job difficult, I couldn’t help but feel bad. I wanted to apologise for Keira, and for myself for laughing.

  Leaving the break room and hurrying down the corridor, I made my way to her office, knocking gently on the door before stepping inside. What I saw when I entered made me wish I’d waited for her to call me in, because Jennings was sitting at her desk, dabbing tears from her eyes with a handkerchief. Her gaze widened when she took me in, and several moments of the most uncomfortable silence I’d ever felt fell between us. The woman had feelings. This thought unsettled me.

  “I, uh, I’m sorry, ma’am. Excuse me,” I said, and turned to leave.

  “Don’t you dare,” said Jennings. “You just had the gall to burst into my office unannounced, so now you can stay and say your piece. I presume you have some sort of speech to make?”

  “That’s not why I….”

  “Then why did you?” Jennings snapped, and I startled a little.

  “I don’t really know. I just wanted to apologise, I suppose, for what Keira was doing, and for laughing. Mostly for the laughing. You don’t deserve that kind of behaviour, and it’s unprofessional on our part.”

  Well, maybe she did deserve it just a little, but I wasn’t going to say that to her face.

  “Unprofessional behaviour from you is no great surprise, Sheehan. Christ, look at your father.”

  I gave her a funny look. “My dad might not be the most pleasant man in the world, but he’s hardly unprofessional.”

  Jennings only snorted and dabbed once more a
t her eyes before tossing her hankie aside. I narrowed my gaze. “What’s the deal with you two anyway?”

  She glanced up in surprise. “Pardon?”

  “You hate my dad like he murdered your grandmother or something. Why?”

  Jennings straightened in her seat. “You have no business asking such questions. Now get back to work.”

  “No, I want to know. I’ve never done anything to you, yet you treat me like I’m a piece of dirt on the end of your boot. I deserve to be told the reason.”

  A silence fell, and Jennings eyed me shrewdly. “How’s your mother these days?”

  Her question seemed a little random, but I answered anyway. “Um, she’s fine.”

  “I’ll bet she is,” Jennings muttered, and I wasn’t sure why, but there was something in her tone that I found curious. It was jealousy with a hint of resentment…. Oh, hell no. Suddenly, everything fell into place, and to be honest, it made me feel a little queasy.

  “Oh, my God,” I whispered, gaping at her in disbelief. “No way.”

  “What are you prattling about?”

  “You and my dad.”

  Jennings frowned. “Me and your dad, what? Bloody hell, finish you sentences, Sheehan, you’re not a toddler.”

  “You and my dad had a thing, didn’t you? Wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”

  She stared, her blue eyes cutting into me like a knife, and all at once I knew it was true. My dad had an affair with Jennings. I felt like I’d just stepped over the threshold and into the twilight zone.

  “Your father is a spineless coward,” said Jennings, her voice sober. “He is the worst decision I’ve ever made.”

  “Spineless?” My brow furrowed.

  “Spineless,” Jennings repeated. “Do you know that I was once beaten so badly by the members of an organised crime ring your father and I were investigating that I almost lost my life? Thugs broke into my home and attacked me, and when your father showed up and ran them off, he refused to give evidence or identify my attackers, because it would result in people discovering that we were conducting an affair. He allowed those men to walk free in order to save his reputation and keep his marriage intact.”