Confessions of Three Gay Boys: Journal One

by A. V. Zeppa

  Another nice thing about living with Jamie was that I could be there for him twenty-four seven while he was going through so much emotional pain.

  So yeah . . . I’m really lonely without him here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy he’s back home and that his parents finally figured out having a gay son isn’t the worst thing in the world. I cried when he told me he was leaving, so that made him get all teary. I lied of course, saying I was crying because I was happy for him. In reality, I was crying because I didn’t want him to leave. It sucks having to let go of people you love. I know . . . I know . . . it’s selfish, and yeah, he only lives five blocks away, but it isn’t the same anymore. Hopefully my emotions will make the required adjustments soon, because they are really doing me in.

  Something absolutely amazing happened tonight, and it had to do with my beautiful boyfriend. Devin came over and we confessed our love for one another. I still can’t believe it.

  And then . . . things kind of happened that I had been fantasizing about from the moment we started seeing each other. I know we’ve only been dating a short time, but when things start happening, they just happen, and we definitely went way past the kissing stage of our relationship. What can I say, our emotions got the best of us.

  Tonight turned out to be a perfect storm scenario. Jamie was back home with his parents, and my parents and sister decided to go gallery hopping and then out for dinner in Chelsea. They wanted me to go with them, but I said that I needed to work on my college applications. It was an excuse so I could have some time away from the world. Everyone needs that every now and then.

  After they left, I sprawled out on my sofa and started surfing the net. I answered a few messages on Facebook, snapped a few selfies for Snapchat, and checked out our latest fashion pics and an interview we gave right after the runway show. Then I found an interesting science article by Benjamin Eldridge, the professor I wrote about before. He was explaining how the physics community finally verified the existence of gravitational waves, the ones Einstein said existed throughout the universe. He theorized this well over one hundred years ago. Einstein was so fucking brilliant, and I was so excited to know they really exist.

  Yeah, yeah, I’m a gay boy closet science geek, what can I say.

  Get this, Professor Eldridge mentioned David and Miguel, those two hot geniuses I met at Columbia University on Saturday. The article explained the math and physics involved, and how his research team, which David and Miguel are members of, was part of a network of research teams that were instrumental in the verification process of these coveted waves. I couldn’t believe it, I had met two rock stars of the science world and didn’t even know it. So cool.

  After I finished the article, I got inspired and decided to download the University of Michigan application. I was about a ten minutes into the application when Devin called and asked if he could come over. That gorgeous boy was sitting next to me fifteen minutes later helping me fill it out, in-between kisses.

  So, this is where it got real, real quick. I mean, there I was, filling out my potential future while my beautiful boyfriend sat next to me and helped. It felt so wrong, and that’s when it suddenly began to hit me hard. Each word I was writing on that application made me realize how much my life was going to change in a mere ten months.

  The possibility of leaving New York for a few years became really real, which meant that I would be leaving Devin behind. I literally started to panic as a sad helpless feeling swept through my mind. I stopped writing and started crying.

  “Jayden, what’s wrong?” Devin asked, while giving me a hug.

  “Umm . . . nothing’s wrong, it’s just . . . I don’t know.”

  “Hey, it’s going to be okay. I’m right here, so please don’t cry?”

  “I know you are . . . thanks . . . it’s just . . . filling this application out means that I could be leaving New York for a while . . . and that means . . .”

  “I know, you’ll be leaving me.”

  “Yeah. I hate the thought of that because we just started dating and . . . you know.”

  “Yeah, I know. Believe me, I’ve thought about this too. I don’t want you to leave, but you have to do what you have to do, I realize that.”

  All of a sudden Devin leaned in and kissed me with an intensity I had never felt before.

  That kiss . . . WOW! . . . I can still feel it.

  By the time we had come up for air we were both crying. He spoke first. “I know this is going to sound selfish, but . . . I hate the thought of you leaving me because I’m in love with you. I love you so much, and it is really going to hurt if you leave me . . . I’m sorry.”

  I pulled him on top of me and held him tight. “Please don’t be sorry. I’m in love with you too.”

  “You are?”

  “Yes. I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have you in my life.”

  He gave me gentle little kisses all over my face while telling me he felt the same way.

  “When did you fall in love with me?” I asked out of curiosity. He maneuvered his body so we were lying side by side, and then gave me this sheepish grin. “What?” I asked.

  “I have a confession to make.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay, spill.”

  “I fell in love with you twice. The first time it happened was between second and third period on my first day as a freshman. You, Chris, and Jamie were walking towards me in the hall and I saw you . . . and . . . you kind of glanced at me and smiled. The second time I fell in love with you was on the ride home from the party. Your head was leaning against my shoulder and it felt perfect . . . and I knew.”

  “I have my own confession. I remember seeing you in the hall on your first day at school. I told Chris and Jamie how cute I thought you were, but they discouraged me, saying you were a little too young. They also said you were out of my league because you were straight. I’m glad they were wrong.”

  We were trying to figure out a viable solution to this mess, and that’s when it hit me.

  “Devin, it’s simple. If I do end up going to college out of state, we can easily work the distance thing out. I’ll fly back here every two weeks.”

  “Yeah. Maybe we could take turns so you won’t have to travel so much.”

  “Yeah, we can definitely do that. It would be awesome having you spend weekends with me.”

  “See, now you don’t have to be sad about going away. It will all work out.”

  At that point our emotions got the best of us. I stood up, grabbed his hand, led him over to the edge of my bed, and kissed him. He was cooing, I was sighing, and before I knew it we were pulling each other’s shirts off. His ebony body was so beautiful, so perfectly defined, and he looked so vulnerable as he gazed at my body. “You are beautiful,” I whispered.

  “So are you,” he whispered back. “I love you Jayden Anami. I always have.”

  I took his hands and placed them on my waist. “You can touch me if you want.”

  The look on his face as his hands began to explore my body was angelic, vulnerable, beautiful. He was so gentle. He took my hands and placed them on his chest. “You can touch me too.” His body was so smooth, so defined, and believe me, I explored every inch of him. He went completely over the edge when I started caressing his nipples. Ohmygod, it was so fucking hot to know how much control I had over him by doing that.

  Our kisses became more intense with each passing minute, making me lose all inhibitions. My hands eventually found their way to his cute little tush, and I swear, if there was a heaven, I had just found it. My kisses slowly made their way from his lips, down to his neck, and then to his chest. Devin moaned when I began to lick his nipples. A minute or so later I was down on my knees kissing my way down to his cute little belly button. His sexy abs and V-lines made me lose it completely. I unzipped his jeans and pulled them down to his ankles. His bikini briefs revealed the obvious. I was so nervous and so turned on.

  “Am . . . am I
what you thought?” Devin asked.

  “You are perfect.”

  He gave me a nervous smile, thanked me, and then pulled his jeans completely off. “It’s my turn now.” he said, as he extended his hand to help me up. He kissed me and then did the exact same thing to me that I had just done to him. So there we were, both of us in nothing but our bikini briefs, kissing like it was our last day on earth.

  “Come lie with me,” I whispered a few minutes later. I pulled the comforter back on my bed and then slipped out of my underwear. Devin gave me a nervous smile as he slipped out of his.

  “Mmm . . .” I cooed, while giving him an amorous grin. At that point I slipped into bed, gave him an erotic pose, and motioned for him to join me. A moment later we were lying side by side in beautiful silence, exploring each other once again. I wanted him to make love to me so bad, but we wisely decided not to go there. Instead, we spent the next couple of hours kissing, touching, and well . . . you know . . . and that was more than enough for two guys in love.

  I think I have finally found the guy of my dreams.

  My body is still tingling.

  Sweet wonderful dreams . . .

  JOURNAL ENTRY 35

  Wednesday morning, 3 am

  Chris

  I can’t sleep. I’m wired. Something strange has been going on, although it seems like it’s a good kind of strange. I don’t know. For the last few days I feel like I’ve been living in a crazy dream that I can’t wake up from. So, I’ve decided to try and piece everything together to figure out what is going on, and what it means.

  It all started Saturday afternoon during the Columbia tour, and it’s still going on as I write this. I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.

  Rewind to the math building at Columbia.

  Like I wrote before, as soon as I walked into that place the hair on my arms stood straight up and I got goosebumps. I swear some kind of energy hit my body with blunt force while we were standing in the lobby. It gave me the creeps. I knew in an instant that the place was haunted. Yeah, I know I’ve probably seen way too many paranormal TV shows, but I definitely felt some kind of energy following us the entire time we were there.

  Then things got even more bizarre when we met David and Miguel in the math lounge. I have never met anyone like them in my life. They were so smart it was scary. I’m not kidding, they were other worldly smart, and so young. Jayden said it best, calling them cuddly cute geniuses. The goosebumps came once again while I watched them calculate whatever it was they were trying to figure out. It was definitely Hogwarts magic as far as I was concerned.

  And then there was the conversation I had with Miguel. It really shook me, and it’s been weighing on my mind ever since. His kind words keep playing over and over in my head. They make me happy, confused, frightened. I definitely believe in karma, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it. I mean, everyone wants their dreams to come true, myself included. But how can some random stranger know what those dreams are?

  By Sunday evening I was back to homework and social media mode. And that was that, until I fell asleep. I had one of the most surreal dreams ever. I was having an out of body experience. I was hovering above my bed watching myself sleep. A moment later Miguel and some other guy appeared at my bedside. Miguel gently nudged me awake and said that he needed to show me something important. I watched myself get out of bed and put my pajama bottoms on. I was trying to be quiet so they wouldn’t notice I was watching, but Miguel’s friend suddenly turned and looked up at me. He smiled, held out his hand, and I was instantly pulled back into my body.

  Miguel touched my shoulder, and before I knew it, I was watching the future play out before my eyes. Jamie, Jayden, and I were students at the University of Michigan. We were walking across the Diag on our way to a Philosophy lecture with a group of friends. Tyler, the guy who showed me around campus last year, was part of this group. I was talking to him and a girl about something that seemed important. And get this, I was holding hands with a guy, my boyfriend, but couldn’t see his face. I tried to focus, but his face was just a blur. It really pissed me off.

  I turned to Miguel and asked, “Why can’t I see his face? Who is he?” He smiled. “You will be able to see him soon. Be patient.” For some reason I accepted his answer. Then I tried to hear what we were talking about, but couldn’t. Frustrated once again, I gave Miguel an exasperated look. “Concentrate a little harder,” he said. I concentrated as hard as I could and was finally able to hear our conversation. Tyler had the biggest smile on his face. “Melissa, guess what?”

  “Umm . . . you’re finally going to buy me those UUG boots I saw at the M Den.”

  “Not even close. David is flying in Friday afternoon.”

  “Are you kidding?”

  “No I’m not. I’m going to pick him up at the airport. Do you guys want to come with me?”

  Melissa and I said yes at the same time. “I’ve really missed him,” Tyler said, with a dreamy smile. I heard myself say, “Me too. The last time I saw him was in late June, right before he left for his internship in Switzerland.” A few seconds later we entered Angell Hall and disappeared. I stood next to Miguel wondering why he was showing me this moment in time. Then it hit me. I turned to him and asked, “Is your friend David the same David Tyler and I were talking about?” Miguel looked up at the sky, then he and his friend disappeared. They left me standing all alone on the brass block M in front of the Rackham Graduate Library. For some reason I started to cry. A few seconds later Miguel’s voice came out of nowhere and said, “It will happen.” Then I woke up.

  It took me a long time to get back to sleep because that dream seemed so real. I wanted it to be real. I was actually trying to will myself back into it. I ended up sitting in the middle of my bed in the dark hoping Miguel and his friend would come back. Crazy, right?

  There’s more. It happened yesterday. My mother called from Paris while I was eating breakfast and asked if I would meet with an important client at 3 pm. Of course I told her I would. I was picked up right after school and made it to the gallery just in time to meet with, get this, Harry Styles from One Direction. I have been crushing on him for years, so I knew my mother set this up as a gift. I love her more than anything. So, even though I was an emotional wreck, I managed to stay professional throughout our meeting.

  One of the things I admired most about Harry was how normal he seemed. He didn’t have some extravagant entourage with him, it was just him and a personal assistant. My mother’s top designers, Meryl and Joel, were at the meeting with me.

  Harry told us that One Direction was taking a break for a couple of years, and he was in the middle of recording a solo album. He said a tour was in the planning stages to coincide with the new album, so he was looking for an entirely new look. “Chris, I was at the fashion show last week and loved the Belloni collection, especially the designs you were wearing. By the way, you were very impressive on the runway.”

  “Thank you for saying that. I’m honored.”

  At that point all five clothing lines were brought in so he could get a firsthand look. I was excited for him, and for our company, knowing that we could give him the look he was after. I even suggested that we could develop an exclusive Harry Styles clothing line if he was interested. He thought that was an excellent idea.

  We spent the next half hour picking out what he liked while discussing potential new design concepts.

  After Harry left I called my mother to let her know how the meeting had gone. I also let her know that I suggested developing an exclusive clothing line with him. She loved the idea. I was proud of myself because I was able to be successful in another aspect of the business.

  Then the strangeness I had experienced over the weekend started happening again. I was having an impromptu meeting with the designers when the receptionist called and said a gentleman named Miguel Montag was here to see me. I was so into discussing the new designs that the name didn’t register in my brain. I was shocked
to see Miguel sitting there when I entered the lobby.

  He stood up and gave me a nervous smile. “Hi Chris. I hope you remember me. My name is Miguel. We met on Saturday at Columbia University.”

  “Of course I remember. Actually, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. You and David are amazing.”

  “Thanks for saying that. We tend to get carried away when we’re in the zone, so I’m sure we weren’t very good hosts.”

  “Far from it. Listening to you guys explain your calculations was amazing. I’ve never met anyone who can do what you guys can do. It doesn’t seem real.” He thanked me again. I gave him a hug and invited him inside.

  As we were walking to one of the empty studios, the goosebumps started happening again, but this time I started getting dizzy and felt like I was going to faint. I stopped and put my hand on the wall. “Are you all right?” Miguel asked. He quickly put his arm around my waist to steady me. “Yeah, I think so. It’s been a busy day.”

  “Lean against me and rest.” As soon as I did that my dizziness went away. Leaning against him felt perfect. I mean, it felt warm . . . It’s hard to explain. I must have been giving him a weird look because he kind of giggled. “Are you okay?” He asked.

  I guess I was staring at him or something. I felt totally embarrassed. “Yeah, I feel great now. Thanks.”

  “Cool. You shouldn’t overwork yourself.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  When we entered the studio, he led me over to the windows where the late afternoon sun was streaming in. “Stand in the sun’s rays and warm yourself. It’s one of my favorite things to do.” He was right. If felt so good. It felt exactly like when I was leaning against him in the hallway. So strange . . .

  We both leaned against the windowsill and soaked the warmth in.