Confessions of Three Gay Boys: Journal One

by A. V. Zeppa

  I know this probably sounds cliché, but I couldn’t believe how comfortable I felt being around Miguel. Even though we were total strangers, it felt like I had known him for years.

  So, of course I wanted to tell him about the dream I had Sunday night, but knew it would sound crazy, so I decided to ask the obvious instead. “How did you know where to find me?”

  He gave me a shy smile. “First off, please believe me when I say that I’m not stalking you, although I am a big fan.”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  “I knew who you were as soon as you came over to see what David and I were working on. I’ve seen you, Jamie, and Jayden in many fashion magazines over the years. Actually, you were the one who inspired me with the emo skater look, as you can probably tell. I was the first guy at my high school to wear it, and I took mad shit from everyone. South Bronx is not the most tolerant place when it comes to looking or being different. Lots of small minded people come at you and try to tear you down. It’s nothing more than ignorance, and that always breeds aggressive bullying.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. Sadly this world is overrun with ignorance. But, on the brighter side, you wear the emo look so much better than I ever did.”

  “Awe, thanks, but I have to disagree.”

  “I’m serious. You look hot. I mean it.” Miguel smiled, thanked me again, and then got to the reason why he dropped by. “I know we don’t know each other, but I was wondering if you would do me a big favor.”

  “If you want me to help you and David with quantum math, you’re out of luck,” I said, trying to be funny. He giggled. It was so adorable. “What can I help you with?”

  “Well, I volunteer at the”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure, ask away.”

  “How do you know that I want to attend the University of Michigan?” He gave me the cutest grin. “I overheard you and Jayden talking about it. I’m sorry, I was eavesdropping.”

  “Oh . . . you really had me freaked out on Saturday,” I said, even though I swear Jayden and I weren’t talking about that in front of him.

  I guess Miguel could see the perplexed look in my face. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I was just trying to reassure you that you would have a great experience if you decide to go there.”

  “I appreciate the kind words.”

  “And what I said about you being a compassionate guy is also true. I can see it in your eyes. I think you are someone who would do anything to protect your family and friends. Am I right?”

  I smiled because he had read me so well. “Yeah I would. But the people I love would do the same for me too.”

  “I know they would. You are one of the fortunate few who has that kind of love surrounding them. That’s why I’m here.”

  “I’m sorry for interrupting you a minute ago. That was so rude of me.”

  “No problem. I’m glad that I could ease your concerns about the other day.”

  I was finally able to relax after his explanation. “I’ll help you any way I can,” I told him.

  “Thanks, I really appreciate it. Umm . . . I volunteer at a place called The Center. It’s an alternative resource center located on 13th Street, near 7th Ave. They offer all kinds of services to help the LGBT community. I work with LGBT teenagers. I help them through counseling, tutoring, HIV awareness, and safe sex education. I also help place homeless teens in safe shelters around the city.”

  “I’ve never heard of this place, but it sounds amazing. And what you are doing to help is amazing too.”

  “Thanks. I just want to help other gay teenagers any way I can. Umm . . . I’m gay, in case you were wondering.”

  “Cool, me too.”

  “I thought so.” We both smiled at the obvious.

  “So, here is the favor I’m asking. There is a guy I’ve been trying to help for a while who finally showed up at The Center last week. He’s from South Bronx, like me, and was kicked out of his house a few weeks ago after he came out to his mom and stepdad. His name is Matthew Jimenez. He’s seventeen, extremely smart, and extremely defensive. I’ve been having a difficult time trying to reach him, and was wondering if you could help me. He’s angry at the world because he thinks no one cares about him.”

  “Sure, if you think it will help.”

  “Thanks. I really appreciate this. I think if he sees other gay Hispanic teenagers like us who are successful, it might help him realize that he can be successful too.”

  I let Meryl know where I was going, then I had the receptionist call Alex, my driver. Five minutes later we were on our way to The Center.

  I wasn’t as ready as I should have been for the intense interrogation I received when Miguel and I walked into the lobby. There was a person at the main desk who looked gender neutral, but was definitely female. She was cutting edge cute, strong willed, a little defensive, and didn’t take shit from anyone.

  Miguel was kind enough to fill me in a little before we got there. “Dakota is really intelligent and passionate, but be prepared for the third degree.” I thanked him for the warning, but it still didn’t prepare me for her perceptive words. She immediately got into my shit as soon as she saw me. I couldn’t tell if she was playing around or not, but she really let me have it.

  I was a few steps behind Miguel when we walked in. Dakota looked up, smiled, then ran up to Miguel and gave him a warm hug. She looked over his shoulder and saw me. She gave me a cold sneer and started her verbal assault. “Look at this sugar daddy money goin on here. What the fuck Miguel. You hit the lottery or somethin?” She walked around him to get a better look at me. She gave me an ‘I know what you are’ type grin. I couldn’t quite tell if it was friendly or not.

  Miguel was about to introduce me, but she interrupted him. “Shit Miguel, this lightskin mamma’s boy is all Gucci. That’s all child support money I coulda had.” Miguel tried to stop her, but she was on a roll. “I thought bein Puerto Rican and black made me lightskin, but I gotta wear shades to look at you. What is you anyway?”

  That observation made me smile. “I’m Portuguese and Italian.”

  “Shit, you all over the map.” Then her eyes veered to the lobby doors where she saw Alex standing next to my mother’s black Escalade limo. I looked down at the floor and waited for more bullets to fly. “Is that your ride?”

  “Yeah, I’m afraid so.”

  “What is you? The Prince of Portugal? Don’t fuckin be playin Miguel by tryin to impress him with your fancy shit.”

  “Are you done with your critique yet?” Miguel asked, as he put his arm around her shoulder, hoping it would calm her down. “I don’t know. I just don’t want some rich boy usin you,” she said, while still giving me a skeptical stare.

  “Dakota Montalvo, I would like you to meet Chris Belloni.”

  “It’s nice to meet you,” I said as I extended my hand. She shook her head. “No no no, old white people shake hands. We ain’t that.” She finally smiled and gave me a hug.

  “As you can see, Dakota gets a little protective of me sometimes,” Miguel said.

  I breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m the same way with my friends, so I can relate.”

  Dakota was still in protective mode but had dialed it down a few decibels while listening to Miguel explain how we had met, and the reason why we were there. “Is Matthew around?” he asked. “Yeah, he’s in the computer lab, but he’s not in a very good mood. He just got back about a half hour ago from a guidance counselor meeting at his high school. They’re giving him shit about missing so many classes, and said he’s not going to graduate on time because of it.”

  “Did he explain his situation?” Miguel asked.

  “Oh yeah, but they don’t give a fuck about that. You and I know they have another agenda going on. They want to protect their pristine image rather than help him through a tough time. Matthew said the counselor was trying to persuade him to transfer to another school with less academic rigor.” Miguel gave Dakota a concerned look. “
So, they are trying to use his absences as an excuse to kick him out. I think they want him out because of the other thing.”

  “You’re right, and Matthew knows it too. That’s why he’s so upset right now.”

  I didn’t mean to pry, but I asked, “What is this other thing you guys are talking about?”

  Miguel hesitated for a moment. “Umm . . . seven weeks ago Matthew found out he is HIV positive. By law the city health department had to inform his high school, so we think they want to kick him out because of that.”

  “Ohmygod,” slipped out of my mouth as I stood there in shock. I mean, here was a guy the same age as me, gay like me, but homeless, HIV positive, and shunned by his family and his school. He was all alone. How fucking cruel is that?

  “I really don’t know much about HIV. Is he sick?” I asked, before realizing how insensitive I was being. I felt like an ass.

  Miguel saw that I was upset, so he tried to reassure me. “Matthew is totally healthy. He’s on meds, and the virus is undetectable. They’ve come a long way since this virus was first detected back in the 1970s.”

  “But he’s mad scared and defensive because he thinks no one wants to be around him anymore,” Dakota added.

  Miguel looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry Chris, I should have told you about this on the way over. I totally understand if you don’t want to . . . you know . . . help . . . I’m sorry.”

  It was the perfect time to bolt, but there was no way I going to do that. “I’d like to meet him,” I said.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. No one should ever feel alone.” He thanked me, and Dakota gave me a hug. “You’re all right for a rich mamma’s boy.”

  “Thanks. I take that as a compliment.”

  “Hey, I’m just playin with you.” She gave me a sincere smile.

  The computer lab was state of the art. Very impressive actually. It was about half full with people doing homework and playing video games. Miguel pointed to Matthew, who was in the far corner slouched in his chair. He had an annoyed look on his face, but ohmygod, he was deadass gorgeous. My heart began to pound through my chest as we walked over to him.

  “Hey Matthew, how are you doing today?” Miguel asked. He didn’t acknowledge us. He just kept furiously typing while giving the computer screen disgusted looks. Miguel tried again.

  “Matthew, are you okay?” He stopped typing. “I’ve been better.” he stood up and gave Miguel a hug. “I’m sorry I’m in a shitty mood, but it’s been one of those days.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I totally understand. Hey, I’d like you to meet Chris. He’s a friend of mine.” He gave me a quick glance with a look that melted my heart. His eyes, those beautiful intense eyes, were . . . piercing . . . vulnerable. They revealed the loneliness and pain that permeated his entire existence. I wanted to hug him in the worst way.

  “Hi Matthew” I said, while nervously extending my hand. He put his hands in his pockets and looked back towards the computer screen. A couple of seconds later he said, “Hey Chris, nice to meet you.” I didn’t know if he was shy or just pissed off that I was there. Miguel intervened. “Matthew, I was wondering if we could go to the lounge and talk.”

  “Are you sure you want to be around me? No one else does.”

  “Of course we do.”

  He turned and looked at Miguel. “All right, let’s get this over with,” and then led the way.

  The lounge was awesome. It had an artsy vibe going on, like it had been designed by the people who hung out there. Fortunately for us it was empty. There were two sofas off to one side, so Matthew sat on one, and Miguel and I sat on the other so we could face each other.

  After a few awkward silent seconds, Matthew started the conversation. “So . . . what do you want to talk about?”

  “Dakota filled me in on what went down at school today.”

  Matthew’s face contorted in anger. “Fuck that school, you know? They want to kick me the fuck out.”

  “They have no right to kick you out,” Miguel said. “We can easily fight that.”

  “How? I’m just a fucked up nuisance to them. They’re smart. They know how to do this shit and make it look like it’s all my fault.”

  “We have the legal means to fight them.” Miguel was just about to say something else when his phone started buzzing. “Excuse me a second. Hey, what’s up? . . . uh-huh . . . yeah . . . yeah, if I have to . . . okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can. Thanks for letting me know.” Miguel looked embarrassed while putting his phone away. “Sorry about that.”

  “Is there anything wrong.” I asked.

  “That was David. He said Professor Eldridge wants to meet with us in an hour, so I need to get back to campus. I’m sorry about this Matthew.”

  “Yeah, I know,” he said, while fidgeting with his hands. I didn’t want to leave him alone, so I made a suggestion. “Matthew, I’d like to stay and talk if you don’t mind.”

  “Look, please don’t feel sorry for me, okay? I’m not looking for pity.”

  “I’m not looking to give any.” I must have sounded a little irritated when I said that because he gave me a stunned look. I turned to Miguel. “Do you mind if Matthew and I hang out for a while?”

  “No, not at all.”

  “Cool. I’ll have Alex drive you back to campus so you won’t be late for your meeting.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

  Miguel apologized to Matthew again while giving him a hug. “I’m sorry I have to go, but I’ll be back tomorrow night, okay?”

  “Yeah, sure. Thanks for everything. I’m sorry for being so moody.”

  “Hey, don’t worry about it. And don’t worry about the school thing. We’ll take care of that situation tomorrow.”

  I let Matthew know that I would be back in a couple of minutes.

  When we walked outside I asked Alex to drive Miguel to Columbia. We exchanged phone numbers, then Miguel gave me a nice hug. “Thank you so much for staying. I owe you big time.”

  “You don’t owe me a thing. I’m more than happy to help out.” As I watched Miguel drive away, I wondered how someone I barely knew was able to connect with me so easily.

  I know this probably sounds weird, but being with Miguel felt like I was back in that dream I had Sunday night.

  So, I was happy to see that Matthew was still in the lounge when I returned. He was sprawled out on the sofa looking up at the ceiling, seemingly lost in his thoughts. I figured that he was ignoring me, hoping his indifference would make me want to leave, but that wasn’t going to happen. I decided to follow his lead and plopped down on the other sofa and looked up at the ceiling too. A few minutes of silent tension followed before he finally acknowledged me.

  “Look Chris, you don’t have to stay. I get it, okay?”

  “What is it that you get?”

  He turned his head and gave me the most vulnerable look I had ever seen, and then let me have it right between the eyes. “By the way you’re dressed, and your body language, I can tell that you’re a rich boy with a guilty conscience. I think you’ve decided that I’m gunna be your charity case so you can feel good about yourself.”

  “Do you really think that’s why I’m still here?

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “You’re dead wrong.”

  “Well then, why are you still here?”

  “Because you seem like a pretty cool guy, and I’d like to get to know you.”

  He didn’t say anything for a few seconds because I think he was still trying to figure out my angle. He decided to see if he could chase me away. “Look, I’m not cool, and I’m definitely not in your league. I’m a homeless HIV positive queer boy.”

  “Yeah, I heard . . . but I still think you’re cool.”

  “Aren’t you afraid you’ll catch it?”

  “Catch gayness? You think hanging out with you is going to turn me gay?”

  “No smartass. Aren’t you afraid you’ll catch HIV from me?”

  “No. An
d in case you were wondering, I’m gay too.”

  He gave me a half smile. “I already had that figured out.”

  “Look, I understand that you’re angry. Shit, I would be too. The world can really be fucked up at times, but there are people out there who care. I know Miguel and Dakota care about you a lot, and so do I, even though we don’t know each other yet. And another thing, I’m not into feeling guilty about who I am, and I’m not into the pity thing, okay? I’m here because I’d like to get to know you.” Matthew didn’t respond, he just looked back up at the ceiling.

  So, there we were, two guys from opposite ends of the universe trying to figure each other out.

  A couple of minutes later I decided to open up. “My two best friends, Jayden and Jamie, are gay too. We’ve been best friends since fifth grade. We came out to each other in eighth grade while playing Truth or Dare. We had a sleepover and things just kind of happened. Jayden is a real jokester and decided to dare Jamie to kiss him. The look on Jamie’s face was so revealing. In like two seconds they were making out hot and heavy. When they finally came up for air, Jamie dared me to kiss him, so I did, and ohmygod, it was heaven. We had outed ourselves with those kisses. We ended up taking turns making out with each other for the rest of the night.”

  Matthew giggled. “That is so fucking hot. Kissing them and then coming out to each other must have felt amazing.”

  “Yeah, it did. I was so relieved to know that I wasn’t a freak of nature, and that I wasn’t alone anymore. Jayden and Jamie felt the same way. We have a bond that goes way beyond a typical friendship because of that night.”

  Matthew finally started opening up. “I always wanted a best friend who was gay, but that never came close to happening. I have two female friends who know I’m gay, but that’s it. Rumors went around school last spring that I was gay, and that’s when a couple of supposed straight guys started hitting on me so they could have sex. They said it had to be on the down low, and I said that was okay. I gave them all the sex they wanted because I thought maybe one of them might eventually come out and want to be my boyfriend. I got used by them.

  Then things went from bad to worse. Diego, the guy I was really crushing on, invited me to a sex party, and I ended up having sex with lots of guys. I didn’t want to go, but he talked me into it, saying I was so cute and that I would love it. I found out later that he did this to a few other guys, you know, bring a guy to pass around. I guess they all did so they would have fresh meat to fuck. It was so stupid of me to let it happen. That’s where I got HIV.”