United by Their Royal Baby

by Therese Beharrie

  The thought was a punch in the gut and he slammed a hand down against the railing, ignoring—no, welcoming—the pain that came with it. Erika had sacrificed her dreams to be married to him. And they had been happy in the beginning.

  But that was because she’d actually tried in the beginning.

  He hated the thought, but he couldn’t deny its truth. Erika had been an exemplary queen at first. She’d joined him on all his duties, and had done so with poise and dignity. Even when it was clear that his people didn’t quite like the idea of her as much as they had Leyna. Even when the media turned against her.

  They’d been relentless in their judgement, in their comparisons to Leyna. They’d called Erika the consolation prize, had printed headlines screaming that she would always be second place in their King’s heart.

  It had been tough—on both of them. Especially as Xavier had still been trying to convince himself that being in a relationship with Erika—that marrying her—was best for his kingdom. He’d tried to push it away when Erika had asked him about it. When she’d accused him of exactly what those headlines had said.

  He’d told her not to worry, that he was committed to her and only her. And he’d done his utmost to convince her—and maybe even himself—of that. But then Erika had started to recoil from doing public events. He’d had to cajole, convince and eventually beg her to join him. And when she had, she’d done so from behind a shield even he couldn’t penetrate.

  Then there’d been their struggle to have a child, which would have tested any marriage. In a royal marriage it had been amplified. More so when that marriage had already been on shaky ground.

  If he’d had the chance to do it all over again, he would have done it so differently. He would have worked harder to make sure Erika knew he was committed to her. That, despite the way they’d come together and the troubles they’d inevitably faced during their relationship, he loved her no matter what.

  Those were the what-ifs he needed to think about. Not the ones with Leyna. If he was going to dwell on the past, it should be on his relationship with Erika and how he could do better for her now.

  He didn’t have to think too hard about that. He knew how he could do it. He had to stop fantasising about a life with Leyna that he would never have. It didn’t matter that they were going through the formality of marriage and a child—their responsibility to their kingdoms was the reason for that. There was no emotion behind the decision, and absolutely no cause for him to ever have to kiss her again. Unless it was for show.

  He could do that. He would do that. For Erika.

  * * *

  ‘Your Majesty...the Queen is on the telephone for you.’

  Of course she is, Leyna thought, and waved a hand to indicate that she would take her grandmother’s call. Her grandmother would call the morning the doctor had given Leyna the go-ahead for the insemination. Xavier was on his way, which had already knotted her stomach, and now she had to deal with her grandmother.

  She sighed and picked up the phone.

  ‘Hello, Granny.’ Leyna forced cheer into her voice. ‘It’s lovely to hear from you. Are you enjoying South Africa?’

  ‘I haven’t called to exchange pleasantries, Leyna.’ Kathleen’s sharp voice would have made Leyna wince if she hadn’t expected it. ‘I’ve heard about Kirtida. I should have heard about it from you. A month ago.’

  ‘You would have known about it if you’d returned for the State Banquet as I requested.’

  ‘So you’ve kept me uninformed about what’s happening in my home as punishment?’

  ‘Of course not.’ But didn’t you leave your home? ‘I just didn’t want to worry you when we didn’t have any cause for concern.’

  ‘There was cause for concern the moment Zacchaeus overthrew his father. Surely you know that?’

  ‘Yes, I do. Which is why Xavier and I have done everything we possibly can to get in touch with Zacchaeus to talk it all through.’

  ‘Have you succeeded?’

  Leyna closed her eyes. ‘Unfortunately not. But it’s allowed us insight into where we stand, and we have a plan.’

  ‘I’m listening.’

  She’ll find out soon enough anyway. ‘Xavier and I will be getting married.’

  A stony silence followed her words, and then her grandmother spoke again. ‘Are you marrying the King of Mattan, or the man you’re still in love with?’

  ‘I’m not—’ She broke off, sucked in a breath. ‘Does it matter?’

  ‘Yes, it does.’ Kathleen’s voice had softened, and it was so unexpected that her next words sliced through the shield Leyna always wore with her grandmother. ‘Love is a wonderful thing, but when you lose it you lose sight of what’s important. Just look at your mother.’

  Her words pierced the wound Leyna had always tried to protect.

  ‘Your duty is most important.’

  ‘Yes, Granny,’ Leyna said in a hoarse voice. ‘I know.’

  ‘So are you marrying for duty or for love?’

  ‘For duty. To protect Aidara.’

  There was relief in her grandmother’s voice when she replied. ‘Good.’

  ‘I must say goodbye now. I have an urgent appointment. Keep well, Granny.’

  She put down the phone before her grandmother could reply, and stood.

  And then sat back down when her legs started to shake.

  She clenched her fists when she saw that her hands were shaking, too, and told herself to breathe when the familiar throb of pressure grew in her chest. And while she fought to keep herself from having a panic attack, she reminded herself that her grandmother’s advice was based on her own experiences.

  Just as she had when her grandmother had handed out her warnings about Xavier.

  Leyna knew how much Kathleen had hurt after her husband had died. And then she’d lost her son, too, and her purpose in life along with him. She hadn’t seen supporting Leyna as a purpose. And when she’d grieved for her son, she’d channelled her energy into the sense of purpose that had been kindled after her husband’s death. The crown. And when Leyna’s father had died, the only remaining link to Kathleen’s husband and child.

  But it was only the crown that she cared about, and not the granddaughter who wore it. Duty had become an obsession, and Leyna was subject to her grandmother’s opinions on her ruling, marrying and bearing an heir. It had made a tough job even tougher, and Leyna had to keep reminding herself of why Kathleen was like that.

  She reminded herself of it on the days when she felt alone, when her grandmother’s sharp tongue spoke of responsibility and not family. It made her miss her mother even more, as Helene had never allowed her mother-in-law to dictate to Leyna as she had to Leyna’s father.

  But thinking about her mother would send her into a panic, and Leyna had erected a shield to protect her from distressing interactions with her grandmother. It was just that on days like today, when Leyna already felt vulnerable, she let her shield down.

  She didn’t have any more time to give in to it when Carlos knocked on her door. She laid a hand on her chest—still tight, but she was past the possibility of an attack now—and then she straightened her shoulders and followed him to the room that had been prepared for the insemination.

  Xavier was already there, his face set in a grim expression that had her stomach tumbling.

  ‘Is everything okay?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘No, it’s not.’

  ‘Of course it’s not,’ he hissed and strode to the door, shutting it with a bang. ‘This is a terrible idea.’

  She kept her voice calm. ‘Have you changed your mind?’

  ‘No,’ he snapped, running a hand over his forehead. ‘I just... I don’t think this...’ He blew out a breath. ‘What if this doesn’t work?’

  ‘Then we try again next month.’

  ‘And w
hat if that doesn’t work?’

  ‘We try IVF.’

  ‘That might not work either.’

  ‘There’s no reason it shouldn’t.’ But his words had their intended effect, and she swallowed the bile that rose to her throat.

  ‘Leyna,’ he said, his voice sounding like a plea. ‘I told you how long Erika and I tried. We tried IUI. We failed.’

  ‘We won’t fail,’ she insisted.

  ‘How are you so calm about this?’

  ‘Because I have to be. This is our future. The future of our kingdoms.’

  But she wasn’t calm. In fact, Leyna could only remember feeling less calm ten years ago. Right before she’d told Xavier she didn’t love him. The panic in her chest was back in full force now and made its way higher, clutching at her throat. She went over to the side of the bed where a jug of water stood, and drank as though her life depended on it.

  She closed her eyes and when she had control of herself again turned back to Xavier. He still had a troubled expression on his face, and perhaps that was the reason he just nodded and said, ‘Let’s get it over with then.’

  She watched him open the door and call for the doctor. And then, before she knew it, she was on the bed with her legs open, watching the doctor prepare the catheter that would place Xavier’s sperm into her uterus.

  ‘Stop!’ she said when he settled at her feet, no longer able to ignore the panic.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Xavier asked at her side.

  ‘You were right,’ she said as her chest started to heave. ‘This is a terrible idea.’

  ‘Are you changing your mind now?’

  ‘Yes, I am.’

  ‘Your Majesty?’ her doctor queried.

  ‘Give us a moment, please,’ Xavier instructed.

  When they were alone he turned back to her. ‘What’s going on, Leyna?’

  ‘I told you. I don’t want to do this.’ She put a hand on her chest, hoping it would somehow help her to breathe easier.

  ‘I thought you were fine with all this. For our kingdoms.’

  ‘I had to say that. You were panicking.’ She squeezed her eyes shut. ‘But everything you said makes sense. This might not work. And if it doesn’t, what do we have to protect our kingdoms?’

  ‘Our marriage.’ His voice was sure, the earlier hesitation in his tone gone.

  ‘And what if...what if something happens to me?’

  He took her hand. ‘Is that what you’re scared of?’

  ‘My kingdom needs me.’ She turned her head to him now, the fears she didn’t want to reveal spilling out of her mouth. ‘If something happens to me, who will look out for my people? And what if I can’t be a mother? What if I can’t do this? What if I can’t be a wife?’

  ‘Breathe,’ he said sharply, but his grip on her hand squeezed reassuringly, softening his words. Helplessly she obeyed, and forced air into her lungs. And then did it again and again, until she felt calmer. Or at least until embarrassment set in.

  She swallowed. ‘I’m sorry—’

  ‘Don’t apologise.’ He shook his head. ‘This is an...extreme situation. Neither of us could have anticipated the way we’ve reacted.’ Though she appreciated the words she didn’t reply, and he continued quietly. ‘Nothing’s going to happen to you. And if it does—’ he cleared his throat ‘—I’ll make sure Aidara is taken care of. As for the rest of it... Leyna, you’re the strongest woman I know. And the bravest. You can do this. You can be a mother, and a wife, and a queen. And you can get through this procedure.’

  She bit her lip. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘It’s true. You can do this.’ He paused. ‘Unless you don’t want to because you no longer believe it’s the best thing for our kingdoms.’

  It was a reminder of why they were doing it. And when she looked at his face she saw that he’d meant it to be. She pulled herself together and then nodded.

  ‘Call the doctor.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘No,’ she said, but gave him a small smile. ‘Call him.’

  He did, and the doctor came back. His face was clear of expression, though he hesitated when he sat down at her feet again. She nodded at him, but turned away from the screen he was using when he began to guide the catheter into her uterus.

  She closed her eyes and bit her lip, praying that she wouldn’t start crying. She felt a warm, strong hand grip hers, and then she heard Xavier’s voice in her ear.

  ‘It’s going to be fine, Leyna. Whatever happens, we’ll handle it together.’

  She bit down on her lip even harder, her only response tightening her hold on his hand. She held her breath and a few minutes later the procedure was done.

  ‘As I explained earlier, I’d like you to rest for a while,’ Leyna’s doctor told her. ‘I’d even advise that you take it easy for the rest of the day, too. After that, you can go ahead as normal.’

  ‘Thank you, Doctor,’ she murmured, and pulled the covers over her. When the doctor left, she cleared her throat.

  ‘I’m sorry about all of that.’

  ‘I told you, you don’t have to apologise.’

  She nodded and then said, ‘You don’t have to stay. You’ve done your part.’

  ‘I’d like to,’ he said very quietly. ‘If you don’t mind.’

  She shook her head in answer, and just closed her eyes. They sat like that for a while, and Leyna used the time to make sure that her emotions were in check. It was the enormity of the procedure that had made her feel so emotional, so uncertain, she told herself. Though she knew there was more to it than that, she forced herself not to dwell on it.

  But the longer the silence stretched, the more she found herself wanting to know what that more was. And, since it sat heavy in her throat, she worried she might not be able to control herself if she thought about it any more. So she sighed in relief when Xavier finally spoke.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘Leyna.’

  The tone of his voice had her opening her eyes, and she turned to look at him. Her heart ached at the expression on his face. It was kind and compassionate, and looked so much like her Xavier that she wanted to sob.

  ‘This was a huge step today,’ Leyna forced herself to say in a calm voice. ‘I just need some...time.’

  ‘Of course,’ he replied. ‘But I just want you to know that if you want to talk...well, I’m a good listener.’

  She squeezed her eyes shut again, but it was no use. She felt the tears trailing down her cheeks, and was horrified when he brushed them away. More so when she felt the bed dip and his arms go around her.

  Her eyes flew open. ‘What...what are you doing?’

  ‘I’m holding you.’

  ‘You don’t—’

  ‘I know I don’t have to,’ he replied mildly, and then drew her in tighter to him. It didn’t send that spark of electricity through her as touching him normally did, though there was a slight buzz of heat that reminded her of her attraction to him.

  But no, this was purely comfort and, before she could help herself, she snuggled closer.

  There were no more tears, she realised, and told herself to inform him he didn’t have to hold her any more. But her heart asked for a few more moments—just long enough for it to memorise being in Xavier’s arms again. As she gave in to it, she felt herself drifting off.

  In the arms of the man she’d once loved.

  Chapter Seven

  XAVIER WASN’T SURE whether he could explain the emotion that had him climbing onto that bed. He’d felt fear and panic just before the procedure, and had almost given in to it. Now that he had time to think about it, he knew that was partly because he and Erika had gone through the same thing so many times with the prospect of failure looming over them, almost punishingly.

  With him and Leyna now, the stakes
were even higher. And the prospect of failure more menacing. When Leyna had told him to snap out of it, he’d been annoyed. Angry. And then she’d broken down, and he’d realised her reaction revealed her own fear.

  Perhaps that was why he’d got onto that bed. The fact that the unfeeling Queen of Aidara wasn’t so unfeeling after all. Or perhaps it had been everything that she’d said. And the emotion that had hit him in the gut when she’d said it.

  He knew she was right. Especially as she’d voiced his own fears. The IUI was a desperate attempt to save their kingdoms, and if it didn’t work... He took a shaky breath, his arms tightening around Leyna. He didn’t want to let her down as he had Erika. No, he corrected himself. He didn’t want to let his kingdom down in the same way he had before. With Erika.

  But he also knew that what she’d said before the panic had gripped her had been right. If this round didn’t work, they would do another. And then they would try IVF. And they would keep trying.

  He ignored the pain in his chest at the prospect of going through the struggle of infertility again. And told himself the pain wasn’t worse now because he was putting Leyna through it, too. No, time had just faded the memory of the pain, and now that he was feeling it again, made it seem worse than it had been before. He had to convince himself extra hard of that since he was lying on Leyna’s bed, holding her. Since he hadn’t felt more complete in years. He closed his eyes, memorising the sweet floral smell of her and the way she fitted into his arms so perfectly. As he rested his head on hers, he smiled, thinking her curls provided enough support and softness that it could be a pillow.

  It was the last thought he had before he heard her gasp.

  He sat up just as she did, and then shifted off the bed when she put her arms out, indicating that she wanted space. Helpless, he watched as she set a shaky hand on her heaving chest, and felt his heart twist as she calmed herself. When she did, she looked at him, her eyes a little wild, though embarrassment obscured it.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said with a forced smile. ‘Bad dream.’