The Depths of Sorrow

by Eleanor Eden

  I leaned into him.

  “Some would call that cowardly,” he said, then, and my heart began to pound in my chest. I’d never heard Money say a derogatory word to Journey. But then, he’d changed a lot in the preceding weeks.

  I could hear Jay’s raised voice on the other end, and pulled away from Money again. I held out my hand and he didn’t hesitate; the phone was handed over.

  “Jay.”

  Jay stopped his diatribe and cleared his throat.

  “It’s not fair to make Money do your dirty work.”

  He remained silent.

  “What is it? You’re not going to be here for her birth? We figured that.”

  “It’s not just that.”

  “Then spit it out.”

  “I think it would be better if Money -”

  “Bullshit. Just say it.”

  He cleared his throat again, and I met Money’s eyes, which were still black.

  “Say it.”

  “Her paths are forged; she will live.”

  I nearly fell to my knees. Money, whose arm was already around my waist, held me up and brought me close. I pulled away to see his eyes again and there were tears shimmering over the darkness.

  I frowned. “What else?”

  “She must join us.”

  “What?”

  “The – situation - that’s kept me away only worsens. It’s been seen that our only hope for resolution is her.”

  “The baby?”

  “Yes. She is uniquely gifted.”

  “But how can she – wait.” I pressed my free hand against my forehead, breathing. “You’re not taking her.”

  “Burden -”

  “No! I go where she goes, and Money does, too. If you want her, you get all three of us.”

  “You don’t even know what’s happening.”

  “Here’s what’s happening: if my baby daughter is going to be expected to save the world – or the Fated – or whatever it is you expect a newborn to do, she will not go without us. Is that clear?”

  “I need to consult with them.”

  “That’s your problem.” I handed the phone to Money, but he shook his head pushing it gently back.

  “There’s more.”

  I frowned, but pressed the phone to my ear again, so hard it hurt. “Money says there’s more.”

  “You need to get an ultrasound, as quickly as possible.”

  I looked at Money, incredulous. “Did you say this to Money?”

  “No. He just – we have a connection. He knows, but he doesn’t know why.”

  “I’m putting you on speaker.”

  “There’s a complication.”

  Money reached for my free hand, and I gave it. A chill wind whipped my hair, then, and as time seemed to slow I scanned the sidewalk, street and shops around us. I inhaled deeply. “Just say it.”

  “You will need a cesarean section.”

  I made a face, and noted Money’s mirrored mine. “Why?”

  “I can’t tell you, Burden. You have to find out on your own.”

  I closed my eyes, seething with anger over the ridiculous boundaries he still created.

  It was Money that fought, though. “Journey, we’re friends. Family, I’d say! No matter what it is, how can you keep it from us?”

  “You need to find out yourselves. Trust me. I don’t do this to torture you; I do it because it’s the right path. I love you both.”

  The tears that had been welling in me finally spilled over my cheeks. “But – she’ll live?”

  “Yes. It is not her life that depends on the cesarean.”

  Money’s eyes fairly popped from his head. “If Burden is in danger, fuck the path! Say it now!”

  I smiled. How I loved him just then. I believe it was that moment which sealed it. I wanted no one but him beyond that point and until I died. Nobody could have pulled me away from him, not even the father of my child.

  “I’m sorry I’m not there. I do love you both, and I love our little Sorrow.” It sounded like he was crying, too.

  A memory of the less-laden Jay returned to me. He’d shown me how sensitive he could be, despite his loyalty to his purpose. His feelings were just as strong as ours.

  “Jay,” I said, bringing the phone closer to my mouth. “Thank you. We’ll have the ultrasound. Money will call you when it’s done.”

  “Thank you,” he replied, his voice cracking.

  “When do you return?” Money asked, his palm cupping mine beneath the phone.

  “I don’t know the date. They only told me she would be three months old.”

  Money met my eyes, and they were a mirror of my own thoughts: three months with her, alone. Just us.

  I nodded, and we both managed a smile.

  “Thank you, Jay,” I said again.

  “I’m not supposed to say this – but I think the two of you should prepare, too. We don’t want to spread fear, but this – what we’re dealing with is not like anything that’s ever happened on earth. We will need the Fated, when the time is right.”

  “I don’t know how, but I knew something was coming,” Money said, his eyes on mine.

  And when I searched myself, I found I’d known it, too.

  “We’ll be ready,” I said, my palm on my belly, part of me grieving the peaceful time I’d envisioned for us.

  There was a muffled sound, and then the distant hint of a woman’s voice from the other end.

  “I have to hang up. I will see you soon.”

  Once we’d hung up, Money and I just stood for a few minutes, both of us reeling.

  “Ultrasound,” he said, finally.

  And I said, “What could be happening?”

  “I feel a gathering of the dark ones.”

  I nodded. It made the most sense; it was like a gathering emptiness; a black hole, halfway across the world. And something in me was being pulled toward it.

  “We’ll meet more Fated,” he said, taking both hands in his and looking wary.

  “I only see you, from now until forever,” I swore.

  His eyes welled up again. “Those are the exact words I needed to hear. I never want to be without you again,” he smiled, almost giddy. Then he made it even more complete by placing a palm on my belly. “Or our Sorrow.”

  “She’s going to live,” I whispered, then stood on tiptoe to kiss him, barely able to hold back my own joy.

  “Thank God. Thank the Universe – thank them or it. I’m just so grateful, he smiled, touching his forehead to mine.

  I closed my eyes. Said it again. “She’s going to live.”

  Chapter 8 – Waiting

  The following week was the final week of March, and I went to work bright and early Monday morning, as I’d promised I would, to finalize plans for the fields.

  I waddled in, four days short of my due date and smiling, excited to sit with my bosses and Alex, their trusted farmhand, in the upstairs meeting room, where we would plaster the walls with our plans.

  They, however, were more excited about the impending birth of Sorrow.

  “Your mother must be over the moon to have a granddaughter coming,” Giselle smiled as I settled into one of the padded office chairs.

  I smiled, fighting warring emotions.

  The news had been received with some shock.

  My mother, for twenty-five years, had only known me to be nothing but disinterested in relationships – love, sex, thoughts of a family – these cornerstones of human life had held little draw to me until I met Journey. Before then, a combination of always feeling like an outsider and never having felt attraction to – anyone! – was all I knew.

  Journey changed that – the Missives were attempted re-creations of the Fated first, so they felt like Fated. And Fated were designed only to pair with others of their kind.

  Journey and I had colored outside the lines a little.

  “I gather your new boyfriend is the father,” Mom had said, referring of course to Jay, no other option even crossing her mind.<
br />
  “Yes,” I’d said, wanting to leave it at that. Hoping I wouldn’t have to tell her that he and I weren’t together. Not then.

  It was only recently that I’d introduced Money into our conversations, and I’d started with my brother and sister, first – anything to cushion the blow of the news for my mother. And Jan and Eric had been effective middle-men, both wanting what was best for me and reluctant to upset our mother.

  All that to say my family was aware that Money was the man in the picture, but were fuzzy on the details. I knew the day would come when I’d have to spill all, but I wanted her born first. Safe.

  My phone rang just as we were breaking for lunch.

  “Hello, darling,” I answered, a smile stretching my cheeks just from seeing his name.

  “Hi, love. I’ve managed to schedule you an ultrasound, but it took some convincing.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. “You are magical. What did you tell them?”

  “I got the secretary to have Dr. Meadows call me back directly, and I told her you were having some pain that you wanted to get checked out.”

  I giggled. “Half of me thought you’d tell them the truth.”

  “It was in my back pocket, just in case that didn’t work.”

  “What? You’d have told them the biological father insisted we get one for a reason as-yet unknown to us?”

  “Uh – no. Actually, I was going to say we received a cosmic message from a higher power.”

  I laughed, but it petered out quickly when he remained quiet. “Holy shit, you would’ve done it.”

  “Sometimes the truth hits home in ways nothing else can.”

  I let out another laugh, more quietly, this time. “Thank you, Money.”

  “So, it’s for Friday.”

  “Ha - the due date?”

  “It’s the best they could do.”

  I pressed my foot on a thin sheet of ice over a puddle, slowly. Enjoying the faint squeaking sound as it bowed and gave way.

  “You’re worried.”

  “I am.”

  “Me, too.”

  “At least we’re not alone.”

  “I love you.”

  “You, too.”

  “I won’t be here when you get home; Gary needs me for a few hours.”

  “OK.”

  I spent the remainder of my lunch break contemplating all that had happened, and wondering what was to come.

  I looked forward to some time alone. As much as Money and I completed each other, I still craved occasional solitude.

  I had the feeling it’d be harder to come by for the foreseeable future.

  Chapter 9 - Welcome, Sorrow

  A Friday ultrasound may have been the best the hospital could do, but our girl had other ideas. And, as I was about to find out, babies aren’t negotiators.

  It was Wednesday night when the occasional tightenings I’d been feeling for weeks became – less occasional. And more painful than annoying.

  With increasing urgency.

  I knew before we went up to the loft that we wouldn’t be there long. Money was anxious about the fact that we still hadn’t any idea what would necessitate a cesarean section, but I was oddly calm. It was as though the onset of labor had rendered me grounded; Zen, even.

  I felt my connection with Sorrow more keenly than ever, our bodies synching up for the dance to come. The separation of one into two.

  I did manage to sleep, but when I awoke curled around the rock-solid boulder that was my belly, my face aching in a grimace that had stretched it for who knows how long while I slept, Money was sitting cross-legged beside me, his face a mask of concern and the hospital bag next to him.

  “Let’s go,” I breathed, and it was all he needed.

  He nodded once, already handing me my favorite maternity pants and top before scooting to the stairs with the bag.

  “Money!” I stopped him, laughing. He looked back. “You’re amazing.”

  He nodded again, all business, and brought the bag to the door. I wondered at the sound of the door opening, and became moderately concerned when I heard the car starting. He was back inside before I was on the main floor, though, wordlessly helping me into my coat, then supporting me through a standing contraction.

  “Shit,” I gasped when it subsided.

  He held me at arm’s length. “We need the ultrasound before she comes.” It wasn’t a reminder; he knew all too well that I’d been obsessing over it as much as him. It was more like an encouragement. A motivator.

  Slow down, Burden.

  Suddenly I was overcome with a sense of urgency, my peaceful mindset cracking down the center. And we worked in tandem, orchestrating our roles like a well-oiled machine; he buckling me into the passenger seat and taking the wheel as I breathed through contractions, my eyes closed as I visualized everything happening slow motion.

  And between the pains, I called Jay.

  “She’s coming,” was how he answered the phone.

  “Yes,” I panted.

  “Insist on the ultrasound. Tell them you know something is wrong.”

  I nodded.

  “You are strong, Burden. Don’t worry.”

  “Money will call you,” I said, wanting – no, needing - to get back to my visualization.

  “I know. I love you all.”

  “You too.” Ironic, I thought, that I return the sentiment now, when it means something so completely different than the first time he said it.

  I breathed through another contraction and then dialed again.

  “Calling the birthing unit?” Money placed a palm on my knee.

  I nodded. “Figured I’d give them a heads-up about the crazy ultrasound-demanding woman in labor barreling toward them.”

  He chuckled nervously. “How you doing?”

  I groaned as another contraction gripped me and a cheery voice answered my call at the same time. “Oohiii,” was my resulting greeting, and Money squeezed my knee while the woman laughed.

  “Let me guess; you’re on the way to us right now?”

  “Uh-huhoohmygod!”

  “How far apart?”

  “Milliseconds?”

  Another laugh. “How about you just tell me your name and I’ll get a room prepped for you?”

  “Bird Shaw,” I exhaled, my middle slowly softening.

  “Ah, yes; we have your file here.”

  “Does it note that I really, really want an ultrasound before this baby is born?”

  “Uh -” there was a pause. I looked at Money sideways and he squeezed my knee again.

  “It’s really important. I don’t know if I can explain -”

  “Ah, there it is. You’re scheduled for Friday, but that’s most likely not going to happen now, is it?”

  I laughed, but it was a high-pitched sound I’d never made before.

  “What was the reason?”

  I closed my eyes, feeling desperate.

  “Truth,” Money urged quietly.

  I bit my lip. “I’ve been having some strange pain, deep inside. And I’ve been suddenly a lot more nauseated again…I just feel like something’s wrong.”

  Money shook his head.

  “Those are expected symptoms when labor is near.”

  I inhaled, then said it all in a rush, feeling untethered, “Also the baby’s father called – he’s not here – but we’re not together anyway. Uh, that doesn’t matter; the point is that he had a vision – a premonition of sorts from a higher power and says there is a life in jeopardy if I do not get this ultrasound before the baby comes!”

  Money had to let go of my knee to chuckle into his hand, but the woman at the other end of the line was silent.

  “I know it sounds crazy -”

  “It does, but I’ve heard crazier.”

  “Reallyooh here’s another one!”

  “Just breath, darlin’. And yes, really. I’ve been helping mothers deliver their babies almost thirty years and if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: if satisfying Mom
is going to make the delivery a more pleasurable process, do it.