Berserk

by K. S. Adkins

  “Explain? Why? I’ve heard it before. He said it to you often enough ‘Son, I raised you better than trolling for hood rats. You can fuck one because what man wouldn’t, but you never marry one.’ And you did nothing.”

  “Let me fucking explain for once!”

  “The time for explanations is over,” she says, sneering at me. “Marrying me was the only rebellious thing you’ve ever done, you didn’t do it for us; you did it to spit in your father’s face. I’d bet my Sigs that a condition for that money was staying away from me.”

  When I didn’t dispute her words she fought harder. Shit, she’s right. Doesn’t mean I’m not fucking sorry for what I did. “Stop fighting before you hurt yourself!” I snap at her.

  “Tell me I’m wrong then,” she whispers. “Tell me you didn’t show because someone died or your flight was cancelled. Tell me it wasn’t because he forced your hand and you let him.” We’re in each other’s faces and I can’t do it. I can’t fucking say it. “Tell me!” she screams in my face. Closing my eyes and dropping my head, I reach into my pocket for the key. Without a word I lean above her, freeing her. She doesn’t bolt, she doesn’t rub her wrists or even take a swing at me. Instead she puts both hands on either side of my face and tells me exactly what I never wanted to hear.

  “Just once,” she whispers. “Just one time I wanted someone to stand up and fight for me. One time, Max. You had to fight for me once, and when it counted, you didn’t. I am a hood rat, always will be. But I loved you. Not your money, not your club, none of that. I loved you. I would have fought Max, I did fight, but I couldn’t fight alone anymore. Everything I’ve done has been for you. For you I would have done anything you asked, yet you never did. Now I’m here to get a job done, and when that’s over, so are we.”

  “Bullshit.” I growl, getting in her face, but she moves away.

  “It only takes one person to end a marriage, Max,” she says. “You ended it years ago, I’m just making it official.”

  Grabbing her around the waist and pulling her to me I bury my face in her neck like I used to, just content to smell and be near her.

  “I won’t let you go again, Blue.”

  Leaning into me then removing my hands from her she stands up, but before she walks to the bathroom she whispers back, “You won’t have to.”

  Then she closes the door and then I hear the lock engage. A minute or so later I hear the flush, then the water and then… nothing. Walking over to the door, pressing my ear to it. That’s when I hear it; she’s crying.

  At my breaking point I shoulder the door in, take one look at her and wonder if I stand any chance of ever having my wife back. If the look on her face is anything to go by, the answer would be no.

  Fuck that, I tell myself. It’s about time she learned who the boss is, and it isn’t her. Not anymore.

  “Who was he, Boss?”

  “No one, Bishop,” I mumble, curling into a ball. I’ve ignored his calls and emails, and within days both stopped. I think his giving up so easily was even worse than the initial heart break of his not showing up.

  “I want a name of who I’m killing, of who’s responsible for this shit,” he growls.

  “It’s no one’s fault this happened,” I whisper. “Just let it go; I have.”

  “Boss.”

  “Let it go!” I scream. “Christ! He didn’t even know! Just let me work through this, all right?”

  “Alone?”

  “I’m good at it,” I tell him. “Trust me.”

  “If I ever find out who he is, ain’t you or no fucking body gonna stop me from ripping him apart.”

  Getting to the bathroom without him seeing me cry was an effort. Handling my business, I wash my hands then pull the lid down to sit on it so I can cry my eyes out. I meant every word. I wasn’t enough, I was a hood rat, and when this was over we were, too. We both deserve a life, a chance to move on. He’s no sooner going to give up his father and club as I am my career to move back here. Shit, we don’t even know each other anymore. Did we ever? You can only get by on lust and short weekends for so long, right? Problem is, right now I don’t have the answers, but I do know being home hurts.

  I just needed a few minutes to myself. A chance to break down in silence. Being back here, near him isn’t just hard; it’s unbearable. I never stopped loving him. But I need to be loved in return. This married-without-being-married is killing me. I took vows, dammit, and I’ve been true to those vows. Maybe I shouldn’t have been? I’m sure he probably wasn’t, but the point is, I’m built to keep my promises, so that’s what I did. At the cost of my heart, I kept my fucking promise to my husband and my legs closed. Me, the poor hood rat actually did what she said she would. Sniffling and pulling it together, I rub my eyes when the door literally flies open. I whip my head up to see a very pissed of Max. Okay so that’s new.

  “Get up,” he orders me, and the shock of the command has me standing up instantly. Orders are built into me, and I couldn’t help myself if I tried.

  Grabbing my hands he pulls me back into the open area of his room just before the bed. Looking up at him I wait to see what he has to say next. Now that the shock and sadness has worn off I’m getting pissed. I’m not very reasonable when I’m pissed.

  “What in the hell are you doing?”

  “Shut up.” He growls at me.

  “Excuse—?” He cuts off my words by backing my knees up to the bed when I try to push free he holds me still. I forgot how strong he was, shit.

  “You are my fucking wife,” he yells. “You want to leave me again? End us for good? You can do whatever the fuck you want… after.”

  “After what?”

  Giving me a very evil grin I’ve never seen before I swallow hard, knowing I’m in some deep shit.

  “After I fuck you,” he says leaning in. “You owe me, Blue. I’ve missed my wife for years, wondering what I did wrong, why she was hiding from me, and it was because I missed a fucking weekend with you?”

  “It wasn’t just the weekend, and you fucking know—”

  “Shut your fucking mouth!” Grabbing my shoulders he pushes me back onto the mattress. “Hands and knees, that’s what I want, Blue. That’s what you fucking owe me; time to pay up.”

  Struggling in earnest now I fight to get off that bed. Max? Max who? I don’t know this motherfucker. Just as I break free he tags me around the waist, bringing me right back to where I was.

  In my face he orders me, “Get on that fucking bed.”

  “You really want to ride this train, Maxwell?” I say, daring him. “You’ll fucking make me, then.”

  Until the day I left for the Army, I spent my time on the streets. Fighting, defending and whatever else I needed to do to survive. The Army taught me control, balance, and discipline. At the end of the day I may have learned a few things, but I am still a street kid. You don’t fuck with a street kid.

  “Your lady love?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Your lady love,” he says pointing at her stepping on to the train.

  “Yes,” I tell the old man. “At least I hope she is.”

  “The way she was looking at you, son? She’s yours.”

  “Yeah?”

  “An old man knows these things,”

  Turns out the old man was right.

  My nostrils are flaring; so are hers. I’ve never been so pissed or hot for this woman in my life. Jules always had fire, but she never aimed it at me. You didn’t fuck with Jules, and until now I never had reason to. Now, I do. If I let her go I know down in my soul she’ll divorce me and disappear. I will not allow that.

  Make her? I’ll fucking make her. I can feel her struggle for control. No more. She’s too controlled. The days of her taking the lead and leaving me behind are over. Tonight, I take back what’s mine.

  “Ten years ago I watched the girl I fucking loved get on a train; a year after that, I married her. A year after that I fucked up, and I’ve been paying for it ever since. Ten years I’
ve loved you, ten fucking years. You’re god damned right I’m riding that train, and you’ve got three seconds to get that ass up on that bed before I make you.” I growl at her “You have no idea how bad I want to make you.”

  I watch her swallow hard and I have to ask myself if I can do this. Then she steels herself and pushes me back a lot harder than I thought was possible. Then it hit me: oh yeah I can fucking do this, and I’m going to enjoy myself while I do. If anyone can take what I want to give, it’s her.

  Tackling her to the bed she grunts then wraps her legs around me like she used to. Then she takes me sideways giving her the chance to grab my neck with one arm while leaving the other free. Jesus, how did she learn to do that? She’s so fucking slippery. I can’t hold onto her at all. Every time I grab her she gets free and puts me back down. I’m a big guy, and I cannot contain a woman who is five-foot-three with shoes on. Desperate to slow her down I go for her neck, but my hand gets stuck her in her hair by accident. Before I can even apologize she whips around, straddles me, cocks back, and no doubt she caught it when my eyes went round.

  “No one,” she says hovering her lips above mine, “makes me do anything I don’t want to do.”

  Looking at her balled fist, then back at her, I raise an eyebrow wondering when and how hard she’s going to hit me and knowing I’m willing to let her. Tightening her legs on my sides she wraps her left hand into my shirt, pulls me up by it. Taking her right hand, she grabs my face and tells me, “Lucky for you I’m down to let you fuck me, husband.” Then she slams her mouth onto mine and shit became interesting.

  For several minutes the only sounds to be heard were grunts, clothes ripping, and moaning. We tore each other’s clothes off, she bit me, I bit her back. Staring at her in her pink frilly bra I stop cold. I’ve never seen her in any sexy lingerie. She was military, so she always wore cotton. She’s the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen so I didn’t care about cotton, just what was underneath it, but this…

  Freeing my hands I rip the bra in half, grab both of her tits, and plant my face between them. Sucking, biting, licking and pulling, I can’t get enough. Her hands aren’t idle either; they were busy pulling my hair, tweaking my nipples, and are now firmly embedded in my ass.

  “Fuck me.”

  “Hands and knees.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “You’re getting fucked, Blue,” I say. “Make no mistake, but you’re going to be really fucked if you don’t get on all fours” I growl in her ear. “Now.”

  Staring at me, I can tell she’s torn. She wants to, but she hates being bossed around. How in the hell she ever made a career of it I’ll never know, but I’ve will get her where I want her whether she likes it or not. In the past she never said no, not once. Then again, I was always gentle with her. She trusted me to keep her safe, to get her off and to love her. Now after all this time I have to wonder how many others had a shot at doing it, and even the thought has my lip curling.

  Seeming to make a decision she closes her eyes and slowly turns over and assumes the position. Scrubbing my hand over my face I’m shocked. She actually fucking did it. Either she doesn’t totally hate me, or she needs to be fucked that badly. I’m betting on it being both.

  Crawling up to her I pull he hips back, spread her knees apart, and run my fingers through her slit. Soaked. Beautiful. Taking my cock in hand, I have no time to play with her, tease her, or make her beg. If there are two people in this miserable fucking world that need this, it’s us.

  “Maxwell.” She whispers a word I’ve never heard her say before. “Please.”

  Just before I breach her I order her, “Say it again.”

  “Please,” she says quietly, while fisting the sheets with her tiny hands.

  Spreading her open I apply pressure needing to slam it home but I can’t. She’s too fucking tight. My god, it’s not possible. Working my way there slowly, I get halfway in when I pull her back up so her back is to my chest. Bringing my hands to her tits I whisper in her ear, “You’re as tight as you were the night you gave me your virginity, Blue.” She whimpers but says nothing. “When’s the last time someone’s filled you?” I grit my teeth, not wanting an answer, but needing one just the same. She’s just shaking her head back and forth while losing herself to sensation. “Answer me,” I order her pinching her nipples “When? How many others.”

  “No others.”

  Everything in me stills including my cock barely inside her. “You haven’t been with another man since the last time I filled you?”

  Shaking her head again while trying to wiggle her ass to get to me to move, she whispers, “I took vows.”

  “Fuck. That was the right answer.”

  Taking my hands from her I push her face down back onto the mattress. Spitting on both palms I lube both of us as much as possible before absolutely driving my dick home. She cries out, I bite the inside of my cheek, and then I grab her hips and fuck her like a man starved. A man starved for the only woman he loves, the only woman he’ll ever love. A woman who took no others inside her when she had every reason to, but didn’t because she made a promise to me.

  Her husband.

  A husband who wasn’t the husband he should have been, but as I sit there nailing her from behind, I vow to be the husband she can’t walk away from. She yells into the mattress she’s coming, and when she clamps down on me my own release catches me before I can pull out. Her essence now mixed with my own keeps me hard and fucking her again, it has both of us coming again in minutes with me collapsing on her back shortly after. The whole thing is over before it starts, but it was just like I remembered it. With her it was always explosive.

  Pulling her to me we ride it out together. Pulling her gorgeous red hair from her neck I kiss her shoulder the way she used to love so much. She shivers like she always did, so I do it again. Turning her to face me I pull her as close as possible while still looking in her eyes. “I’ll fight for us this time, Blue,” I promise her, and when her eyes get red I make another promise. “I have never stopped loving you, never will stop. You’re my wife, and I’m not letting you go, ever.”

  “Max, don’t make me any promises—”

  “Ever, Blue.” I say to her. “Fucking ever.” She curls into me and brings my hands around her and holds me close. When she whispers a warning to me I know she did it to keep me at a distance, but I’m not the man she knew back then. The years without her changed me.

  “We’ll see,” she says.

  “Damn right you will,” I say back to her.

  Slowly she makes her way out of bed. She doesn’t grab a robe or any clothes, and in that moment she is the Jules I remembered. Not a shy fucking bone in that badass body.

  “Blue,” I call out to her, and when she turns I give her the truth. “In all these years there’s never been another for me either.” She gives me that over-the-shoulder smile I haven’t seen since our wedding night. In that moment I feel like a fucking champ.

  Not even the fact that she didn’t tell me she loved me back could ruin this for me. She loved me once, she’ll fucking love me again.

  I guarantee it.

  It was his first visit since the train station. I thought of him every minute of every day. Since he’s been here the only thing we’ve done was each other. I was learning things with every encounter and it turns out I’m quite skilled in the sexy department. “Obviously you were my first,” I tell him shyly. But in the interest of being responsible, I feel like I should know what I’m getting into. He was my first, my only. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was a late bloomer. “Have you been with a lot of girls? I mean women?” I ask, remembering he’s older than I am.

  “If you’re asking me if I’m experienced, the answer is no,” he says, kissing my shoulder. “I’m learning right along with you, doing what feels right, what makes you feel good.”

  “Are you avoiding my question?”

  “No,” he laughs. “I’ve been with two girls, Blue; both were disasters. For
a guy my age it’s safe to say I can take tab A and put it in slot B, but that’s all I know.”

  “Two?” I ask, shocked. Max is hot, like drop-your-panties-and-beg-for-it hot. “Oh, now this I’ve got to hear.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you, other than it was over before it started, if you catch my drift. Until you, that is; for you, I could stay hard forever. What about you? Why me?”

  “Maybe, because I don’t have control over much except my body and what I do with it? Or maybe it’s because I saw you and knew I’d be safe with you? I don’t know, I just saw you and knew, I guess.”

  “I don’t know if I can make it another month before seeing you,” he says, squeezing my ass “This distance shit is killing me.”

  “It won’t be forever, Max,” I whisper. “I promise.”

  Leaving Max to grab some coffee, I want to smack myself in the head and pat myself on the back at the same damn time. What was I thinking? Oh right, I wasn’t. I was feeling, I let my fucking guard down, and left my legs open. Max and I may not know each other anymore, but the one thing we never lost was the spark, if the fact that my legs are still shaking is anything to go by.

  Shit.

  Fucking him wasn’t part of the plan. Well, getting fucked by him wasn’t, either. He told me he still loved me, but I’ve waited years to hear that again. My life now is made up of discipline and order. The only person who I would ever allow telling me what to do never took advantage of it until this morning. Jesus, I can’t say it out loud, but I am so glad he did. To have someone else be in control for once felt… right. I always wanted him to do it, but never knew how to say it where I didn’t sound like a needy fool. But he must have sensed I needed it or maybe in that moment he needed control more than I did.

  Sipping my black coffee, Max strolls into the kitchen totally nude, just how I left him. Then again, I’m sitting here buck ass myself. Another thing about us, nudity was encouraged.