Berserk

by K. S. Adkins

  Grabbing himself a cup, he sits at the table across from me. He’s looking at me, but I’m staring at the liquid in my cup, hoping he has things to do today so I can regroup and come up with a plan. “How’s your mom?” he asks quietly.

  “Dead,” I say with zero emotion, because when it comes to her there is none.

  “When?”

  “Three years ago.”

  “You were here three years ago?” he accuses me. “Yet you didn’t come to me?”

  “Ease up. I paid for her burial, squared up her bills and debts all from my desktop in DC.”

  “You couldn’t watch her be laid to rest, then?”

  “I did as I was told,” I say, shrugging. “She only wanted money from me, so that’s what she got.”

  “I’m sorry, Blue.”

  “Why? You didn’t kill her. If you could ask her, I did.”

  I know I’m being a bitch, but my mother is the last thing I want to talk about. My mantra is “Life’s a bitch and then she died.” Be careful what you ask for, especially when dealing with me. That woman birthed me then treated me like a burden. If money made her happy she could have it. Do I even feel slightly guilty that I gave her more than enough money so she could overdose sooner? No. It was a matter of time until she did anyway. I’d rather her be gone then continue to drain the city’s resources with jail time and court dates then bail her out ever again. So I didn’t. That woman was waiting to die.

  “How soon until you run away again?”

  Looking up at him I decide to give him as much truth as possible. Seeing as plans often change in my line of work, leads run hot and cold, I’ll give him what I can. Which, right now I’ll admit isn’t much. “I’m not running,” I say. “I’ll even make you a deal.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “You know I’m here because of Lush.” He nods and clenches his jaw. “I don’t think you’re knowingly involved in anything, Max, but the fact is, I have a job to do. I have leads to follow up on, people to look into, and you’re one of them. I’ll tell you what I can, but you have to back off when I can’t. I want to make sure Macy is okay, that Venessa is, too. But you have to understand that for me to be here, what I’m hearing isn’t good.”

  “So what’s the deal then?”

  “All these years I’ve kept us a secret. No one I work with knows I’m married.”

  “Figures.”

  “So everyone in your life does? I saw the looks on their faces when they heard it; you never said shit, either. You’ve been with them the entire time I’ve been gone and never said a word.”

  “The deal, Blue.”

  “I need a home base for me and Bishop. If we stay here with you, I’ll include you where I can, but... he doesn’t know we’re married, and it stays that way.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? You want me to keep a roof over that fucker’s head, force me to watch him want my goddamn wife in our own home, and not say dick about it?”

  “This isn’t my home, Max.”

  “The fuck it isn’t!” he yells, kicking his chair back and walking away. Staring at his ass then my cup again I know this is hard for him, but this is the best I can do.

  When he comes back into the kitchen he’s the Max I don’t know again. “I bought this fucking house for you. I bought the damn thing hoping one day I could get you to come back here, see that here wasn’t all bad, and what we had was still there. That it would always fucking be there. Now you throw this bullshit in my face? What the fuck is with you? Are you testing me on purpose?”

  Standing up I walk over and get in his space, looking way up at him, I tell him the truth “I am trying to protect you. I came back here to help you, dammit. Bishop is my partner, Max, and I need his help here.”

  “Protect me, help me that’s what I’m hearing,” he growls, pushing me away. “Nowhere in there did I hear came back for me, and that’s the difference between us, Jules.”

  “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what? Tell you that what we have is fucking priceless? Tell you that in all these years I’ve never even looked at another woman because she wasn’t you? Tell you that I didn’t fucking lose sleep every god damn night wondering if you were hurt? Wondering if you missed me? You show back up like a fucking miracle only you don’t want me anymore, you’ll fuck me sure, because you took vows. But you don’t want anything else. Go grab your partner, Jules you’ll have the place to yourselves, I’ve got shit to do.”

  I knew he is serious, and I don’t know why, but I have to stop him. Since the day I met him he’s the one person I never wanted mad at me, to see me as trash. For him I always wanted to be more, to have him be proud of me. I never wanted to hurt him, ever. Following him upstairs we both put clothes on. While he’s intent on shutting me out, I’m not having it. Grabbing his arm I turn him to face me and it’s the look there that stops me dead, and it’s that look that says if I’m not honest with him I’ll lose him and fuck me I can’t lose him, not now, maybe not ever, and certainly not like this.

  “Don’t tell me the difference between us is that you didn’t give up, because you did! I was military, Max; I couldn’t leave! You knew that, you promised me it could work! I waited for you! Don’t you stand there throwing all this in my face! You were worried? Wondering if I missed you? Where the fuck were you? Huh? Is it easier to be pissed at me or at yourself?” When I see him speechless and grinding his jaw, I lose steam.

  “Those vows meant everything to me,” I whisper. “Always have, always will. We’ve both changed, Max. But my feelings for you haven’t. When you didn’t show it broke my heart. Maybe I should have demanded answers, but I was afraid to. You always came for me and when you didn’t…”

  “I know,” he says, pulling me close and tucking my hair behind my ear.

  “I’m sorry for everything,” I tell him. “If you believe anything, believe that. The world got in the way. It’s still getting in the way. I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy, and if it was without me then I told myself I’d deal.”

  “I never wanted to be without you, Blue. I wanted you with me, always. I still do. I let you go because I thought it was what you wanted.”

  “You never asked me what I wanted,” I whimper. “You just never came back. I needed you and you disappeared. I’m here now and I have to put this case first. I haven’t been a priority for you in over eight years; you can’t expect me to accept you want me now after all this time. Bishop is my friend and partner; I left my team and brought him because I trust him to be discreet, Max. I can only handle so many crises at one time. You have the ability to steal my focus, and I can’t afford for that to happen right now, maybe not ever.”

  “You said you would never come back here. Part of me didn’t believe you. The reasons for you being here are big, aren’t they?”

  “Yes.”

  “How big exactly?”

  “Shit storm sums it up nicely.”

  “You really came back to help me?”

  “Yes,” I tell him truthfully. “Despite what you think, there wasn’t a day I didn’t miss you, either.”

  “Call your partner,” he says, taking a deep breath. “We’ll make it work.”

  “Before I do, I need to ask you something.” When he nods I start to play my hand. “When’s the last time you spoke to Hank?”

  “What does my father have to do with this?”

  “Just answer me, Max.”

  “I talk to him on Friday mornings. Why?”

  “Because the next time you speak to him, I need to be there.”

  Watching his expressions shift I know I threw him off. It’s no secret Hank hates me and that I hate him back. Hank and I have some history, one day soon Max will know why but my issues with him are my own and have no place here right now. However, Hank holds Lush over Max’s head, and I need to know why in detail, especially if my suspicions are true. Hank Allen is a dick, a very controlling dick. To this day it always nagged me he allowed Max to open a club with his i
nheritance, and a condition was my name was never to be attached to it. Hank Allen was all about appearances, and the last time I checked he also was a silent partner. I don’t trust the fucker, and Max shouldn’t either. I never wanted Lush, I just wanted Max.

  Max has Lush, but I don’t have Max. At best my time with him is temporary; at worst, when it hits the fan, he’ll wash his hands of me forever.

  Story of my life.

  “You’re going where?” I grunt, pissed that she’s agreed to more training.

  “I’m not sure yet, it could be California or it could be New Mexico. But it’s an opportunity I can’t pass up Max.” she says, dismissing me like I don’t have a right to know.

  “How long?” I grate out, wondering how much longer I can do this.

  “Two months maximum,” she says quietly. “I wish I could stay on the phone, but I have a class and—”

  “Yeah, I have shit to do, too,” I say cutting her off. “Be careful.”

  “Max?” she asks me quietly. “Are you there?”

  “Yeah,” I grunt. “I’m here.”

  “Okay,” she whispers. “I love you.”

  Closing my eyes I cover my face with one hand. I’m afraid to tell her I love her back, not because I don’t love her. I do, more than anything, but I’m afraid something will happen to her, and the club has been so damn busy I haven’t been able to visit her, and fuck, I’m just lost.

  “I have to go,” was all I can say, because if something happened to her I’d lose it.

  “Sure Max,” she says, and I hear the disappointment in her voice.

  I’ve never withheld an I love you; I said that shit every chance I got. When she disconnects I stare at the receiver.

  “I love you, Blue; come back home to me.”

  Knowing she doesn’t hear me, I say it anyway.

  The few times I’ve had her to myself, we never discussed what she did in the Army. I used to think I should know every little detail about what she did; I used to want to know. I even understood why she couldn’t tell me much, but there’s this switch in her. One minute she’s Jules, then next the switch goes off and she’s just… not. She’s something more, and it’s scary.

  Now she’s in agent mode, and the second she mentioned my father is when the switch went off. Hank and Jules hate each other. I hated him for how he treated her, and I applauded her for how she handled Hank. But to say these two will ever get past the hate would be a lie. Hank is a manipulator dick, I recognize that, but until the day I’m fully out from underneath him I have no choice but to heed his demands, which lucky for me aren’t many. The one condition that never sat right was that Jules could never have any stake in the business. But Jules being Jules, she told me that she didn’t want any part of the business, she just wanted me, so she signed off on it.

  Hank doesn’t micromanage. Never did. I let him have his say in the type of security system I used, the type of liability insurance the business should carry, and minor things like that, but the day to day is left to me. She said there are people she has to look into, and if Hank is on that list it’s going to get ugly.

  I wanted to push further, and am about to when there is a knock on the door. No one comes here, ever. So when she silently walks to her bag and then walks out with a pistol, my blood pressure went through the roof. Nodding to me to open the door, she stands behind it. Opening it up I come face to face with her partner, Bishop. A very pissed-off Bishop, if his growl was anything to go by.

  “Here for Red,” he says. “Get her, now.”

  “She has a name,” I fire back, pissed he’s had years with her I didn’t, but mostly because he’s even better looking up close then he was from a distance.

  “Clock’s tickin’,” he says when she comes from behind the door with her pistol at her side.

  “Just in time,” she says, opening the door further. “Let him in, Max.”

  I don’t want to. In fact, I want to hit in the face with the fucking door, but I didn’t think she’d like that. Stepping aside, he walks in like he owns my house. Immediately, I don’t like the guy. He’s has access to my wife at all times, and I want to hurt him for it.

  “How’d you find my house?” I ask him.

  Rolling his eyes he tosses his coat on my couch, then throws me his answer. “It’s my job to know where Boss is at all times.”

  “Surprised I didn’t see you sooner,” she says, setting the pistol down and sitting on the couch.

  “I figured if you wanted out you’d get out; when you didn’t, I decided to come and get you. We got shit to do; you can hook up when we get back to DC.” I realized that my getting her here, letting alone cuffing her, was probably because she let me. Hell, even this guy knew it, and that alone is embarrassing, because once again he knows something I don’t. Like for instance hooking up in DC, the fuck?

  “Max,” she says, cutting off my rage. “This is my partner, Bishop. Bishop this is Max my—

  “Her husband,” I growl. Then I wince when her breath catches and his eyes narrow. Okay, I played that one all wrong. He nods his head toward the porch and zeroes in on her. He looks at me like I’m his worst enemy. An enemy he wants to slaughter.

  “Boss, we need to talk,” he says, looking straight at me. “Now.”

  Pushing past me she gives me an are you fucking kidding me look. I fucked up, I know I did. If she kept us a secret there’s a reason, and had I bothered to ask she’d probably tell me.

  Watching him open the door for her, watching her step out and my being left there looking stupid, I start to stew. She’s his boss? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised about that, but I am. If you spotted her in a crowd, she’s so tiny and bright. Bright hair, bright eyes, megawatt smile. You want to protect her and hope some asshole doesn’t knock her over. To know she’s in charge of the giant on my porch freaks me out. I’m a really big guy, but Bishop is no slouch, either. He’s easily four of her. He’s also nodding and standing too close, in a stance that shows familiarity, and I hate it.

  They may just work together, but he wants her. He doesn’t like her being here, and he sure as fuck doesn’t like knowing she’s married. He didn’t seem as shocked about it as he should of been either. Looking him over I see he’s all the things I’m not. He’s a tough guy, big into weapons and strategy like she is. I can hold my own, but I don’t seek out trouble. This guy made a career out of it. Then again, so did she. How in the hell do I compete with a guy like that?

  Heading over to the closest window I hope to catch a few words so I can figure out how to take out the competition who’s about to stay in my fucking house.

  I wasn’t above using kitchen utensils either.

  “Come out with us tonight,” he says, wagging his eyebrows.

  “I can’t, Bishop,” I tell him. “I’ve got stuff to do.”

  By stuff, I mean talking to Max. We have a phone date before Lush opens, and I didn’t want to miss it. I have so much to tell him.

  “We just got back, let’s go blow off some steam together and start some shit. You know you want to.”

  “Maybe next time,” I tell him. “I’m tired and—”

  “Yeah, I know, you have shit to do.”

  “Sorry, Bishop,” I mumble, feeling like an asshole because he’s always asking me to go out and I always have an excuse not to.

  “You are far too hot to be this much of a fucking recluse,” he says, disconnecting.

  Looking around my apartment I will admit it’s small, sparse, and boring. But it’s temporary; one day I’ll have a home to decorate, so I’m holding out. Throwing my clothes in the dryer, when my phone rings all thoughts of being a recluse evaporate because I know who’s waiting for me on the other end.

  “Max,” I say, breathless.

  “Hello, Blue. How’s my girl?”

  When Bishop takes me onto the porch, I have no clue which way he’ll go. We’ve been partners for three years, and friends in the Army long before that. We tell each other pretty much ever
ything, but I did leave out the fact that I was married.

  Max had the decency to look guilty for spilling the beans. He also looked like he couldn’t help himself. No sense in beating a dead horse; what’s done is done. Now I need to do damage control. Investigating your husband is a no-no because it’s a conflict of interest; if that gets out I’m off the case, and probably fired for not disclosing it.

  Shit.

  “Spill it, Red.”

  “He already did.”

  “How long you been married to him, and why the fuck didn’t I know?”

  “Bishop—”

  “No,” he argues. “Fuck your secrecy bullshit, Red. We been friends for fucking ever. I came here at your request. What in the fuck have you dragged me into?”

  “Max owns Lush.”

  “I know that,” he says, rolling his eyes “Try again.”

  “He’s not involved,” I explain. “I came here to protect him.”

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  “Don’t make me work for this, Red,” he says leaning into me. “I came here because you asked. Every time you need me, I’m there. I’m with you 24/7, so if you’re married, it ain’t happily. Tell me the rest, don’t you fucking hold out on me. No man would leave a woman like you behind, I sure as hell wouldn’t. Especially when she fucking needed him. It’s him, ain’t it? He’s the one. ”

  “It’s complicated, Bishop,” I say. “There’s a storm coming, and I need you to have my back, that’s it. Whatever is happening isn’t because he’s involved; he’s being played. I owe him this; I can’t see him go down for shit he didn’t do. I’m not here just as his wife; I’m here to save him. I have friends involved; shit, my entire past is involved. Everything I’ve done comes right back to being here at this moment.”

  “What he did to you—”

  “Has nothing to do with this,” I interrupt. “You know me; I have to finish this. My friends are in danger, he’s in danger. I have to do something.”

  “You still love him?”

  When I can’t break his stare he closes his eyes tight. Nods his head then fixes his stare at me again. “I got your back, Boss. I go where you go.”