Berserk

by K. S. Adkins

  “Max lied to me,” I tell her. “We hurt each other probably more than what’s healthy, but he was worth the risk. I’d do it all over again to be where I am now.”

  “I’m not you,” she says. “He’s not Max, and we aren’t in love. What does it tell you that when we fuck a condition of our fucking is that he doesn’t speak?”

  “What?”

  “Yep,” she says, inhaling. “If he doesn’t speak, then what I don’t know won’t hurt me. Because eventually he will hurt me, Jules, and I’m not built for that bullshit.”

  “Shit, Lina,” I tell her, pulling her in for a hug. Before I can say anything else a black SUV rounds the corner with the passenger and back windows rolled down, and that’s when I see AK’s pointed at both of us. “Down!” I yell, taking her to the concrete and covering her with my body. A spray of bullets cover us, the building, the sidewalk, all of it. Reaching for my 9mm I open fire while I continue to cover Lina’s body with my own. I’m firing blind, literally. The SUV speeds off and I can’t see to get the plate. Why can’t I see?

  “Jules!” she says, shaking me “Jules! Stay with me!” I feel her hands on me in a weird sense. Like she’s touching me, but she isn’t. I can also here her calling Tony and then Max. Then she was right back to shaking me again. “God dammit, Jules, stay awake for me! Look at me!”

  Taking my hand to reach her face takes all my effort, like it’s attached to me but isn’t. Finally reaching her she grabs my hand and I can hear her sobbing.

  “I’m okay, Lina,” I say, comforting her. “It’s going to be okay.”

  “Don’t you fucking lie to me! Don’t you fucking dare!”

  Trying to offer her a smile I let my hand drop because I can no longer hold it up on my own. “Lina,” I whisper, and she leans in and I can feel her tears falling on my face. “Flash drive in my pocket, take it, keep it safe. Gonna need it.”

  “Jules, please,” she begs. “Stay with me, I need you!”

  “Take the risk, Lina,” I beg her. “You’re worth it, he’ll protect you.”

  Sirens sound in the distance but they’re too late. Odd how I didn’t feel pain, I didn’t feel anything, and at this moment the only thing I want to feel is his lips against mine telling me he loves me one more time. When darkness takes me I try to find my way back, but even the strongest have moments of weakness.

  Funny how you live your life without fear and the last thing you feel before you check out is complete terror, not peace. That moment of clarity when you’ve spent your life thinking you’re invincible, then you realize that you aren’t.

  You are mortal just like everyone else, and that’s the moment you beg for more time knowing you won’t ever get it, and doesn’t that just fucking suck.

  “She’s happy, we’re happy,” says Bishop, hugging me. “She ain’t happy, we ain’t happy. Dig it?”

  “Dig it.”

  “We got some time left here,” he says, walking to the door. “You need us, make that call.”

  Tony helps me hook up the gas grill I finally broke down and bought. I always wanted one but I never had her to cook for, but now I do. I bought the grill and am having a hell of a time putting it together by myself. She and I tried for about ten minutes this morning before she threw the manual on the ground and rode me on the picnic table instead.

  Now that the girls are out he offered to help, probably because being alone with me he knows I’m going to grill him about taking off. That Houdini shit still pisses me off. Grabbing his smokes he comes outside to watch me work. So much for helping me. At this rate I’ll have it put together for next season.

  “Tell me,” he says, pretending to read the manual. “I get the vibe you’re pretty upset with me. Would you like to rail at me about it?”

  “Not really,” I say, screwing one of the bars together. “You had your reasons I guess, but now I know who I can count on, and I know it isn’t you.”

  “Would you believe me if I told you getting Lina back here and on board was imperative? That without her we don’t stand a chance of winning this thing? That we all need her?”

  “I might believe you,” I say, “If you didn’t maintain radio silence through it all. My wife was in trouble, Tony. I needed your help.”

  “No you didn’t, Max,” he says. “I had ears here; you and the team had it under control. What wasn’t under control was getting Lina to commit; she still isn’t a sure thing. I had to leave to focus on her. She is the game-changer, Max; without her we’re fucked.”

  “What’s the holdup, then?”

  “What’s keeping her from committing?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “What’s holding her back?”

  “Maybe the fact that she knows she has to turn traitor against the very people she once called friends? Something’s happened to her that she won’t share with me yet, but I’m confident she will in time. She’s very closed off. She isn’t very trusting in the first place so finding out the justice system you signed up to defend is fucking you isn’t sitting well with her. Hearing everything that’s happening here has her wanting to help some, but she’s not ready to go all in.”

  “She doesn’t strike me as someone who puts up with anyone’s shit,” I say. “Any idea what’s happened to her?”

  “I have a few theories, but nothing concrete yet. I want her, Max, not just temporary, either. Every time I move closer, she steps back. She’s a tough woman to communicate with.”

  “Because you can’t lie to her?”

  “No,” he says. “Because I won’t lie to her.”

  “I don’t follow.”

  “I know how it feels to be lied to,” he says. “Those are just the lies that I knew about, that I caught someone in. Imagine dealing with that your entire life from family, friends, boyfriends, and now the city you work for. She made a career out of finding the truth because she believes in it, she demands it. I won’t lie to her because she deserves the truth, even if sometimes it’s not pretty. But I see it, she’s waiting for me to lie to her. She doesn’t quiz me or bait me. She’s just aware, if that makes sense? The night I found my balls and decided to approach was the night I saved her life, and she changed mine. She’s mine, Max; she just hasn’t seen the truth yet.”

  “Saved her life how?”

  “That’s a story for another time,” he says. “How are we doing with that grill? I’m hungry.”

  “You’ve never got your hands dirty in your life have you?” I ask, laughing and getting back to putting this damn thing together, because I’ve got steaks I want to cook.

  “You’d be surprised, my friend, how dirty these hands can get,” he says, reaching for his phone. “Hang on, it’s Lina.”

  Getting back to work I let him take his call in private. Minutes later when my back door slams and I look up I see Tony like I’ve never seen him before. Jumping up I growl at him, “What happened?”

  “Sit down, Max,” he says.

  “Tell me!” I yell in his face.

  “Drive-by. Jules has been shot,” he says. “She’s at Receiving—”

  Dropping my screwdriver I run through the house to my car with Tony right behind me. Once he jumps in he keeps fucking talking. “I can’t reach Rogan or Rafe,” he yells, punching the dash. “What the fuck is going on?”

  Taking the streets at dangerous speeds all I can do is think of my wife and pray that I make in time. Flying into the lot I leave the keys in my car and both of us run straight to the emergency wing. The irony is not lost on me that I’ve been here so many times that I know the way without asking now.

  Tony and I both crash into the waiting room, where we see Lina sitting with her knees pulled to her chest and her head buried inside her arms. When she hears us she looks up, takes one look at Tony, and runs straight to his arms.

  Hiding my eyes from her, she grabs me, turning me to face her. For a small person, she’s insanely strong. “He hit you?” she growls, touching my eye. “He fucking hit you?”

  Turning my fac
e away in embarrassment I tell her, “I hit him back!”

  “Good! But Lina, he could have done far worse.”

  “If he touches me again, I’ll kill him.”

  “He’s a grown man, Lina,” she says, catching up with me. “He touches you again, we’ll kill him.”

  “I flew out here to visit, not argue,” I say, taking the ice pack from her. “I’ll handle it, Red, seriously.”

  “You better handle it,” she advises me, “And if you can’t you call me, you promise?”

  “Yeah,” I tell her, rolling my eyes. “I promise.”

  That was the first time that I ever lied to her. My fondness for no holds barred sex caught up with me. She wouldn’t have to kill him though, he ever comes near me again I meant it, I’d do it myself. That’s the thing about appearances, they can be deceiving. The random had the face of an angel but held the devils soul.

  She saved my life.

  Without even a second thought she sacrificed herself to save me. Sitting here alone waiting on Max and Tony to arrive, how do I tell her husband, the one she finally got back, that she put her own life before my own? I didn’t deserve to be saved, I know that much. If anyone deserves a shot at a fulfilling life, it’s her.

  Her entire life she’s put others before her, and today she did it again. Rocking back and forth I try to remember what she said before everything went to hell. She said to take the risk, that he’s worth it, and that he would protect me.

  In the short time I’ve known Tony he’s changed me, marked me in some way even I can’t explain. I tell her if he walks then he walks, but even I know if he did walk away, I’d be the one wrapped around his ankles begging him to stay. I need him that much, only he doesn’t know it because I don’t know how he feels, and I’m too scared to go first.

  Until today I was content to help from a distance. Any time people are forced to be near me for long periods of time they start to act different, except my friends and now Anthony. But I never wanted them to be put in a position to feel uncomfortable, because sometimes lying is easier than facing the truth, and no one likes to be called out on it. To know someone like me is there knowing you’re lying makes everyone miserable. Trust me, misery and I go way back.

  My line of work has a high suicide rate for average people. I’m not average, and each time I show up to a scene or close a case, people are surprised to see I haven’t hung myself yet. If they only knew how close I was to proving them right. Not yet, though, but soon. Once this is done, so am I. My grasp on reality is slipping. I spend more and more time alone in the darkness in an effort to keep the misery away. When your life is defined by lies you’ll do anything to find the truth. I’ve buried myself in lies and deceit, hoping someone will restore my faith in humanity.

  I surround myself with it, I’m defined by it, and I get paid to immerse myself in it. Lies will be what ends me, and what sanity I have left knows it, too. It wasn’t until he stalked his way into my life (literally) that I wasn’t so miserable anymore. Until now, that is; Jules tipped the scales for me. Anthony tracked me down to use me and now I’ll let him; he’ll never know what it’s going to cost me, and I have no intention on telling him.

  This is me taking one for the team, literally.

  Lost in thought and emotion, it’s when I hear heavy breathing and see the two of them standing there that I snap out of it. Jules needs me, she believes in me, in love and in taking chances. Running straight into his arms I decided to take chances of my own. If the worst happens and he breaks my heart, then at least I can say I tried. As far as the rest goes, I’m all in. Nobody fucks with her and gets away with it.

  “Max needs answers, Lina,” he whispers, running his fingers through my hair. “Can you do that?” Breaking apart from him I run to Max, throwing myself into his arms. Holding me tight, he reassures me, and right then I can see why Jules loves him so much.

  “I’m so glad you’re safe, Lina,” he says. “Please tell me what happened; I have to know.”

  Explaining my smoke break, where we were, and what Jules did to save me, I see the love and pride beaming from Max. I also see the heartbreak and desperation, too, but more than that he knows who his wife is and expects nothing less than what she did today.

  I’ve heard stories of Max going mad and I wait for it, but it never happens. Instead he pulled out his phone and calls her team. Judging by the quick call they’ll be here within minutes. Her boys love her fiercely.

  Before they show and chaos reigns, I break the silence by standing up. When they both look up at me I level Anthony with the truth. “I’m in,” I tell him, and his wince confuses me. “Priority one is Jules; after that we tear this city apart one cop at a time.”

  “Okay, Sherlock,” he says, pulling me to his side. “Okay.”

  “I asked you not to call me that in public,” I whisper. “Or, you know, ever.”

  “She’ll pull through,” says Max. “and when she does she’ll be right there with you tearing the city apart.”

  “I’m counting on it,” I tell him, hugging both of them at once. Suddenly the air in the room changed, and when we look up it’s to see her team arrived. Jules always did have a loyal following and why shouldn’t she? Jules Allen inspires loyalty.

  “Receiving, Jules has been shot,” I tell him. “Get here.”

  “Max,” Bishop says before I disconnect. “You ready to go mad and tear this fucking city apart to avenge her?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s all I needed to hear.”

  Having the team here helps some. Lina won’t leave my side, like she feels responsible for this, but she isn’t and I know it. Tony is going to have his hands full keeping tabs on that one. The second she decided she was all in you could see the shift in her; I’m aware of it because it’s the same shift I see in my wife. Hell on wheels, those two. I can only imagine what’s going to happen when the other two find out. That’s a problem for later. Right now I’ve got Bishop, who’s ready to explode. He wants answers, same as the rest of us. Problem is, she’s in surgery, but Lina assures me Macy is on her way, and if the doctor doesn’t see us before her arrival she’ll get us answers.

  “Mad Max,” says Bishop. “Who do I gotta kill to get some answers ̓round here?”

  “Calm,” I say quietly. “She needs you calm.”

  “Right,” he says. “Calm. Shit.”

  “Max!” says Macy making an entrance pulling Rafe behind her. “I’ll head back and get answers, okay? Just stay calm and I’ll—”

  “Princess,” says Rafe, leading her out the door. “Get some answers first so Max can relax and I’ll wait for you to get back before telling the others.”

  “Telling us what?” I ask as Rogan walks in with a limping Venessa.

  “Oh, just that someone tried taking us out at circus school,” she says, using him for support. “Lucky for us the windows were so old, we only banged ourselves up hitting the deck. Pretty sure we won’t be invited back.”

  “Fuck,” I groan. “Rogan, Rafe you need to take them and go.”

  “Excuse me?” says Macy.

  “Come again?” says Venessa.

  “Later,” says Rogan. “Jules first, then we’ll decide what we’re going to do; now ain’t the time.”

  “I’m glad you’re both okay,” I tell them. “So fucking glad.”

  Shaking my head and resting it in my hands, I wait for Macy to come back with news. I’ve been holding it together so far, but just barely. If I don’t get the news that she’s expected to make a full recovery, this waiting room is going to get an extreme makeover Max, edition.

  I need to see her, touch her, and hold her. Tell her that I’m here, that I love her, and that I’ll tear the city apart to avenge her, just like Bishop said.

  “Are you happy about the pregnancy?”

  “It’s like I waited my whole life for this, Jules.”

  “What does your heart tell you about him?”

  “I didn’t have a life until h
im. Does that make sense? Then he makes me fall in love with him, hurts me, then I find out I’m pregnant. It’s so fucking backwards.”

  “I’m not the expert,” she says. “But, people do crazy things when they’re in love. Everything is amplified, the good and the bad. You’re pregnant, and that baby was made from what?”

  “Sperm?”

  “Love,” she says, laughing. “The baby was made from love. Forgiveness is love and love is forgiveness, Macy. See where I’m going with this?”

  “When did you get so good at this?”

  “Would you believe me if I said I’ve had lots of practice?”

  “Of course.”

  “Then there you go.”

  “I miss you, Jules.”

  “I miss you too, Macy,” she says with a smile in her voice. “Take care of yourself; I’ll see you soon.”

  Sitting here in ICU holding her hand, I start crying and I don’t even care. Jules has always been so full of life, doing what’s right, and she has always been there for all of us. She found me and sent my husband to save me. Now she’s lying here fighting for her own life. Reaching for my stomach for the first time in weeks, I fight for breath. The memory of being shot in that basement is never far from me. Knowing that my number could have been up reminds me to cherish the chance I’ve been given, because time here is fleeting. It reminds me that I miss the son I never got to hold. It makes me so fucking angry that anyone would do this to her, to Max. When Venessa puts her hand on my shoulder then pulls me into it a hug, I really let go.

  “It’s not fair,” I wail into her shirt. “Not her, V.”

  “What did the doctor say?”

  “The next twenty-four hours are crucial,” I sob. “I need to talk to Max.”

  “Get your head right first,” she advises. “He’s hanging on by a thread, Macy.”