The Night Before Thirty

by Tajuana Butler

  I was being raped by a man that at one time I wanted to be intimate with, and he was conjuring pictures in my mind of me wanting him. I had imagined what it would be like having sex with this man, and now he was raping me.

  Then he started breathing really heavy and his rhythm became steady and his stroking began to speed up until he came. He fell limp, and I felt limp. Tears streamed down my face. I had been gently raped by my boyfriend. How was I supposed to deal with that?

  After a few moments, he got up and pulled up his pants. I just lay there. “Come on, we need to get back to town,” he said, and reached over to pick up his gun.

  I got up and slowly, ashamedly walked over to the car and picked my clothes up and dressed. We rode back to town in silence. We even went back to his place. I didn't have a way home, so I stayed the rest of the morning with him, in his apartment, until Angel came to pick me up.

  When I got in the car with her, I began to bawl uncontrollably, but there was nothing I could do and no way to prove that he'd raped me. I wasn't even supposed to be at his place that night.

  It took me a while to get over that night, even though I never saw him again. He called a few times, but I kept the conversations brief and made excuses to get off the phone until he stopped.

  “THE QUESTION I drew was 'What was your most costly experience?' My answer is getting involved with a guy I knew from the start was not right for me.”

  A tear rolled down her cheek. She wiped it away.

  “I did it then, and I'm doing it now. Lashawnda, you're doing the same thing.”

  “We're basically thirty years old, and I'm still trying to find out who I am. If we don't really try to figure it out, we'll stay right there in that cycle of attracting men—or women, in your case—who are wrong for us. Not just wrong for us, but bad for us. I, for one, deserve better. I know I do.”

  HE WOMEN FINISHED their dinners and then exited the hotel for a short stroll down Ocean Drive. They wanted to get a taste of being on the famous street and experiencing the excitement of its nightlife.

  “Oh, it feels so good to be here,” Alecia said as they made their way from Collins Avenue to Ocean Drive. “South Beach is one of my favorite places,” she said.

  Everyone looked at her, surprised. She hadn't said much the entire trip, and most of her comments had been of a condescending nature.

  “I do like it here. I have some good memories of this town,” she said, and sighed.

  “Oh yeah!” Louisa smiled.

  “Do tell,” Jessica said.

  “Well, I've had a few memorable dates right here on this very street with some good guys, men I probably should have been nicer to.” She dwelled a bit on her comment. “Plus, we had our senior skip day here in Miami, remember, Louisa? It was the best time I've had in a very long time.”

  “Oh yeah, I remember,” Louisa said.

  “You two went to school together?” Lashawnda asked.

  “Yes. We've known each other since elementary,” Alecia said proudly.

  “So are you an imposter or is your birthday really on December first?” Lashawnda questioned.

  “Oh, she shares our birthday, and she wrote in,” Louisa confirmed.

  “I'm just checking, because we've been putting up with your little prissy butt all night, and I just want to make sure there's some justification in it,” Lashawnda, who'd had a little too much to drink, blurted out.

  “Oh, believe me, spending the day with a lesbian hardly qualifies for one of my most enjoyable moments,” Alecia retaliated.

  “Fuck you,” Lashawnda said, rolling her eyes and her hands and then stumbling and struggling to catch her balance.

  “I'm going back to the room,” Alecia said, and turned to walk back.

  Louisa stopped her and pulled her off to the side. “Now, you know she's had a little too much to drink, and you're not sober your damned self. So just shake it off,” she said. “And you do need to apologize.”

  “For what?” Alecia snapped.

  “You did call her a lesbian. You know she's dealing with her sexuality as it is,” Louisa said.

  Alecia folded her arms and huffed.

  “Alecia,” Louisa said firmly.

  “Oh, all right, but only because you asked me to,” she said.

  They walked back over to the group.

  “Lashawnda, I'm sure if I'd thought about it longer, I would have been able to come up with something nicer to call you than a lesbian,” Alecia said nonchalantly.

  “Is that supposed to be an apology?” Lashawnda walked in front of Alecia and put one hand on her hip while the other swayed to the side.

  “Yes, Lashawnda, I'm apologizing.”

  “Aw, girl, I know you didn't mean it. If I'm a lesbian, then I'm cool with it, but if I'm not, I'm sure I've been called worse.” She turned around and started walking with the group.

  Alecia followed but felt guilty. She was sure that Lashawnda meant what she'd said—she probably had been called worse names—but that didn't mean it was okay for her to add to the list. Alecia wanted to do a better job of apologizing, but she wasn't sure how, or if it would even be worth it to bring it up again.

  They walked down the side of the street all of the restaurants were located on. There was excitement in the air, Latin music coming out of the doors of most of the nightclubs. A few restaurants were still open, and people were dining outside underneath umbrellas, right on the sidewalk. They maneuvered between the different atmospheres and outdoor dining spots. Both sides of the street were heavily populated with people, several of whom dressed in light, airy clothing that flowed in the wind. Women were in halter tops and low-cut jeans. Everyone seemed to be looking for the next thing to get into. After they'd gone so far and seen what seemed to be a repeat of the previous block, they decided to turn around and head back to the hotel. They crossed over to the other side of the street nearest the beach.

  “Let's go touch the water,” Elise said.

  “Let's not!” Alecia said.

  “Let's do!” Elise took off toward the beach, stopping short to take off her shoes.

  Everyone followed, each woman taking off her shoes. Some rolled up their pants and trekked through the sand.

  “I couldn't wait to do this,” Elise said. “The only thing I don't like about Louisville is that there isn't a beach.”

  Tanya took a deep breath. “There's something about being near water.”

  “I know what you mean,” Alecia said under her breath. She couldn't let them know that she was enjoying the beach as much as Elise was.

  “I've never been to a beach,” Lashawnda said. “I'm so glad you suggested that we walk over here.”

  “You've never been to a beach?” Jessica asked.

  “No. I've never left Atlanta until now. This is the first time I've flown, the first time I've been to Florida, the first time I've been to a beach. Tomorrow will be my first cruise and the first time I've ever gone to a tropical island,” Lashawnda said. “I'm happy to have this experience, but I can't believe that it's taken me this long. Everything happens late for me,” she sulked. “But the ocean is nice.”

  “At least it's happening,” Louisa said.

  “I know, girl.” She smiled. “But I'm drunk—you gotta find something to complain about when you're drunk, right?”

  “Let's get Ms. Lashawnda back to her room,” Louisa suggested through her chuckling.

  BACK IN ONE of the suites, the women lounged around.

  “I'm tired, but I'm not ready to go to bed,” Jessica said.

  “I'm not either,” Elise said as she stared out the window at the beach.

  “My legs are a little tight. Do you think the hot tub is open?” Catara asked.

  “Well, it is our birthday celebration. I'm sure that even if it isn't, they'll make an exception for us. I'd like to get into the hot tub myself.”

  Louisa called down and made the arrangements.

  “Anybody else who's interested, let's do it! Don't worry ab
out grabbing a towel, I was informed they'll have them downstairs for us when we get there,” she said and grinned with satisfaction.

  “I think we should all go,” Tanya said.

  “Does anyone not want to go?” Louisa asked.

  No one responded.

  “Okay, then it's settled. We're all going.”

  The ladies changed into their bathing suits and coverups, pinned up their hair, and then went to the back of the hotel, where the outside bar and swimming pool were located. A member of the hotel staff met them with towels.

  “Although the bar is closed, I can arrange to have drinks brought to you ladies,” he offered.

  “You know, I think a few of us have probably had too much to drink today. Plus, we have a cruise ahead of us tomorrow. Could you bring us some bottled water?” Louisa requested.

  “No problem,” he said, and rushed off.

  The women took their time and sunk into the hot tub. The warmth of the water sent everyone into silence. Once the bubbles began surrounding their bodies and their muscles began to relax, a discussion brewed.

  “The funny thing about vacations is that we've done more in this one day than I usually do in a week,” Catara said.

  “I know. It's like there's this extra energy to go, see, and do,” Tanya agreed.

  “That's why I spend most of my time traveling,” Alecia said. “I become rejuvenated every time I step on a plane and fly to a new intriguing destination.”

  “After this trip, I'm going to make an effort to go somewhere at least once a year,” Lashawnda said.

  “I don't know what I would do if I had to wait a whole year to exit L.A. I love my city, but the monotony just has to be broken periodically,” Alecia said.

  “I would love to travel to Italy and study fashion,” Catara said.

  “Oh, I love Milan,” Alecia said.

  “You've been?” Catara asked.

  “Twice.”

  “Where else have you traveled to?” Tanya asked her.

  “You name it, I've gone.”

  “Be more specific,” Lashawnda said, rolling her eyes.

  “Okay, South Africa, Kenya, Egypt, Japan, China, Australia, Brazil, Venezuela, Peru, and seven different countries in Europe. Not to mention the islands: Jamaica, Bahamas, Virgin Islands, Fiji, Tahiti, French Polynesian Islands …” Alecia paused to think of more.

  “Bitch,” Lashawnda said.

  “Well, you asked,” Alecia replied.

  Lashawnda laughed.“You're right, I did. I'm just jealous. How can I get down with your travel itinerary?”

  “Marry well,” Alecia said.

  “You're not married.”

  “Not yet, but I'm working on it,” Alecia said, thinking about William.

  “You think you're all of that, don't you?” Lashawnda said. She couldn't decide if she liked Alecia or couldn't stand her.

  “I know I have a lot of positive qualities, if that's what you mean.”

  “See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Who acts like you?”

  “Me,” Alecia said.

  “I wasn't sure, but now I know I don't like you,” Lashawnda said. Louisa opened her eyes—there was no way she or anybody else was going to be able to relax.“I am sick of you two. What is the deal?”

  “I don't have a problem,” Alecia said.“She asks me a question and then gets mad at my answer.”

  “But she's all unnecessarily condescending with her answers,” Lashawnda argued.

  “Whatever, Lashawnda,” Alecia said.

  “I mean, you're cool and all, Alecia, you just act like this princess sitting on your throne, looking down on everybody else. You're not any better than anybody else in this hot tub,” Lashawnda said.

  “I never said I was.”

  “But actions speak louder than words. You've looked down on all of us at one time or another today.”

  “Not intentionally,” Alecia said, defending herself.

  “That's what I mean. You look down on people without even knowing. You have a problem.”

  “I don't do it intentionally,” Alecia repeated.

  There was silence all around.

  “Well, maybe I do, a little,” Alecia said.“But I promise I've been trying to work on it. I don't mean any harm. I can't help it. Maybe I've been in L.A. too long. Maybe I'm just too spoiled. I know that I have a low tolerance for people, but don't you know how miserable I am because of it?

  “Louisa has always tried to reach out to me. She's my best friend in the world. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I don't even stay in contact with her. I've been known to go months without calling my mother and my sister. And the only man that I've ever tried to reach out to is a married man who I know is unavailable,” Alecia sulked.

  “It's like that?” Lashawnda said.

  “But I have been trying to change. Especially after the day I met that girl with the tattoos.”

  “What?”

  T WAS THE beginning of the summer. I walked out of my doctor's office and over to the elevator. Standing before me was a pale white girl. She looked like she was in her late twenties. You know the type—as if her skin had never been exposed to the sun. She had jet-black, shiny, obviously dyed hair. She wore dark lipstick and eye shadow and dark black eyeliner and mascara. Then she had these small hoop earrings all over the place, at least five in one ear and three in the other, and one in her nose. I'm sure there was probably one in her tongue, but she didn't open her mouth so I couldn't prove it.

  I couldn't help but look her over. She was quite a sight. She had on a spandex long-sleeved blouse with a scoop neck, black cotton-spandex pants, and black sandals. Of course her toenails and fingernails were black—what other color would have completed the ensemble? Those elements alone were enough to draw negative attention toward her, make her presence undesirable, but she took her look, the evidence of her lifestyle, one step further. This chick had a dark henna tattoo peeking out of her shirt collar. It was clear, by the traces of the pattern that were visible, that it covered most of her chest area. I knew there had to be more—I could feel it. So I followed her shirt down to where the sleeve ended and there was the same tattoo pattern sneaking out from underneath. It was on both arms. I initially dared not look, but I had to. I knew what I'd see anyway. So my eyes quickly shot down to the end of her pant legs and sure enough, the same pattern was on her ankles.

  The bell for the elevator rang. No one else was around. It was just the two of us boarding this elevator together. I felt a wave of panic overcome me. How dare I be forced to be alone in a small space with her?

  But there was nothing else to do, so we boarded the elevator. She pressed the button for the lobby. I was going to the same floor, so I positioned myself in the farthest corner from her and prayed that the elevator wouldn't break down or get stuck, because how would I possibly be able to relate to or work with this girl to bring about a rescue for us? Our signals wouldn't properly connect. She was from another planet, I thought.

  I held my breath and the elevator began to descend in what seemed to be slow motion. What was only a seven-flight descent felt like we were going down at least twenty floors.

  I tried not to stare, but I couldn't help myself. I questioned what would make a person, especially a woman, want to deface her entire body in such a way. Here I was, pressed about removing a tiny scar from my leg, and she was a body filled with hideous designs and shapes. Believe you me, there was nothing cute about that.

  ALECIA TOOK A deep breath as if trying to get her thoughts together.

  “I see young white girls like her all the time. Where I come from, we used to call them 'hoods,' ” Elise said.

  “Well, we used to call them vampires, and I didn't want to be stuck on an elevator with a vampire, of all people,” Alecia said.

  “So what happened?” Lashawnda asked.

  THE DOOR TO the elevator finally opened, and even though she had been waiting for the elevator first and had walked on first, when the door opened
, I quickly rushed by her. She was so weird-looking that I couldn't stand to look at her any longer than necessary.

  I moved ahead of her as quickly as possible and consequently bumped into this handsome, drop-dead gorgeous, well-dressed Latin guy. I was so taken with him that I barely noticed her walk by me. This brother was fine, with moussed-back dark hair and beautiful dark eyebrows. His name was Dr. Michael DeLeon, and we ended up going out for a while. After we exchanged numbers, I headed to my car. When I got out to the parking lot, that girl was leaning on the back of a car parked next to my Benz.

  I was disgusted. Why was she waiting by my car? Was she waiting on me? She didn't know me. I slowed my pace to keep an eye on her— maybe she was planning to jack me for my purse. I got my keys out and clutched my purse tightly, watching her all the while.

  I walked right by her, and just when I thought I was home free—I mean, I was putting my key into the car door lock—she spoke to me.

  “You think I'm weird, don't you?” she asked.

  I pretended that I didn't hear her.

  “I see the way you look at me. You think I'm a freak. Don't you?”

  I opened the car door so that just in case she tried to attack me, I could get inside more quickly. Then I turned around and caught her eyes.

  Tears were slowing streaming down. She looked so sad and alone. As undesirable as she was, I could identify with the pain in her eyes. Whatever fears or uncertainties I had about her disappeared instantly. My feet were glued in place. I couldn't turn away from her, as much as I wanted to. I couldn't escape the look in her eyes.

  She said, “You think you're so much, with your rich life, don't you? You probably don't even know what it feels like to want to change your life. Because there's nothing in your high-society life that needs to be changed.”

  She got off the car and began walking toward me.“I bet men fall over themselves going out of their way for you, don't they?”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked her and inched closer inside my car.

  “Are you scared?” she asked.

  “No,” I responded, although I was panic-stricken.