The Night Before Thirty

by Tajuana Butler

  “Women like you annoy the hell out of me. As much as I hate my life, I would never want to be you.”

  The sadness I saw in her eyes had shifted to hate. Everything about her body language said she hated me so badly that she could hurt me and not think twice about it. Her face tightened, her eyes squinted, and her shoulders tensed up.

  I said, “I don't have to listen to this,” and lifted one foot up to get into my car.

  She reached out and grabbed my shoulder, pulling me backward and turning me toward her. She said, “Not that it's any of your business, but I want this off me as much as you do!” Her voice cracked. She grabbed at the sleeves of her shirt and yanked them up. Then she tugged at her collar to expose her tattoo.

  “I hate having this monster stuck to my skin, and the doctor just told me it's going to take no less than twenty grand to have it removed. And even then, because there's so much of it, it's going to take at least a year of repeated surgeries to get rid of it.

  “I don't have twenty grand to throw around like you do. And even if I did, I would still have to endure the pain of knowing that that money, which I could use in so many different areas of my life, would be going toward removing something that shouldn't be there in the first place.”

  “I'm sorry, but I—” I began, but she was so involved that she didn't hear.

  “Every time I look in the mirror, every time I glance at any part of my body, I am reminded of everything that is not right in my life. Especially him.”

  She took a deep breath and fell back onto her car.“I left him, you know.”

  I looked around to see if one of her friends had walked up because how in the world would I know who he was? There was no one there but me, so I listened.

  “I moved on. I grew up, but he never did. Probably never will. He'll always be the same rebellious child who never thinks before he acts. But I'm not following him around anymore. I have to think for myself, somehow be my own person, but the only way I'll know who that is, is to get this shit off me.” She grabbed at her arms and pulled at her skin as if trying to remove the tattoo.

  I was speechless, caught there with a young woman who was desperate, trapped, and wanted so much to change but didn't have the means to.

  Thank goodness she continued talking because I didn't know what to say.

  “We were both coked out. The mound of coke he had brought that night was the largest we'd ever tried to tackle together. Even when I gave up, he kept snorting. He had already tattooed me at the small of my back and around my belly button. But that night he said he wanted to create the quintessential tattoo for me because he loved me so much. I was stoned and in love, because I lay there voluntarily and allowed him to draw all over my entire body. I didn't even feel any pain.”

  She dropped her head and all I could do was stare. I looked like I had it going on, but I didn't have a thing to give her: money, advice, or sympathy. Because at that time in my life I was so superficial that I couldn't relate to people who didn't have something to give me.

  What was I supposed to do for her? She needed help and I didn't know how to give it. I was incapable of giving. My heart went out to her, but I saw her moment of silence as my cue to escape, to break free from her pain, in order to deal with the complexities of my own life. So I looked her over one last time, got into my car, and drove off as quickly as I could.

  “YOU MEAN YOU left her standing there like that?” Jessica asked.

  “Wow,” Lashawnda said.“That's cold!”

  “So you're judging me,” Alecia said, shooting a look at her.“I drew the question 'What do you regret the most?' Well, I wish I could undo ever having gotten on that elevator with her. My gut said to let her go and catch the next one, but I didn't listen. I regret not reaching out to her, and I regret leaving her like that.”

  I GOT A FEW blocks away and turned around to go back, but she had already left. I went back to that office a few times to meet the doctor that I'd met for lunch, but I never ran into her again.

  “ALECIA, I'M SO sorry to hear that,” Louisa said.

  “So that's one of the reasons that I went home for Thanksgiving. And that's the reason that I let you convince me to write in for this contest, because I'm trying to reach out,” she said to Louisa.

  “Alecia, you know I'm always here for you,” Louisa offered.

  “I know you are. That's what's so bad about it. I've been a horrible friend to you.”

  “Maybe so, but you are my friend and I forgive you, Alecia. I love you like a sister.”

  “I love you too, Louisa,” she said, and waded through the water to hug her.

  Then she turned to Lashawnda.“I might not be doing the best job of it, Lashawnda, but I am trying.”

  “I believe you,” Lashawnda said. She reached out for Alecia's hand, and Alecia grabbed for hers.

  “I'm so sorry about what I said to you out by the beach.”

  “I know,” Lashawnda replied.

  N HER PAJAMAS, Elise stood in front of the window and looked out at the ocean.

  Tanya walked out of the bathroom, tying her robe closed. She went over to the courtesy bar and pulled out a jar of cashews.“Do you want anything?”

  “Nah,” Elise said.“The baby must be hungry.”

  “I guess so. You can't get enough of the ocean, huh?” Tanya asked, quickly trying to change the subject. She didn't want to talk about her pregnancy. It was tough enough for her to push the thought out of her mind; discussing it would only make it worse.

  “No,” Elise sighed.“Large bodies of water are healing, peaceful. Even to look at from a distance.”

  “Well, you're going to get plenty of exposure tomorrow on that ship.”

  “Yeah, and I'm going to fill up, because when I get back home to that gym and the parents and the children, well, I'm going to need to have a peaceful memory to fall back on.”

  “Tell me about it,” Tanya said and stood next to her, munching on the nuts, becoming entranced by the view as well.

  Louisa walked out, and Jessica followed. They took seats on the sofa. Jessica had a leather attaché case with her. She pulled out sheets of paper and counted through them.“I need everyone to come in for a short meeting before we turn in.”

  Lashawnda came in and took a seat on the floor next to the sofa. Alecia walked in with a hairbrush in her hand and sat next to Louisa. Catara walked out with a jar in her hand. She sat in the armchair and began slathering cream all over her face. Everyone stopped and looked at her.

  “I love your pajamas. The cut is so unique,” Louisa said.

  “Thank you,” Catara said. She was wearing a wide-lapel white collar top that had a wide cuffed sleeve. The bottoms were black flair-legged pants. The pajamas were like a dressy outfit, only the fabric looked comfortable.

  “Where did you get those from?” Alecia asked.“I have a wide collection of pajamas, and I haven't seen any like them around.”

  “That's because I designed them myself,” Catara said.

  “Are you serious?” Tanya said, looking skeptical.

  “Really, I did.”

  “Do you have anything else with you?” Louisa asked her.

  “Yeah, I have another pair of pajamas in my bag. Oh, and a robe. I also have a few sketches in my book. I take it everywhere I go, just in case I get inspired.”

  “Go get them,” everyone encouraged her.

  “Okay.”

  She returned with her sketchbook, a second pair of pajamas that were lavender and mint green, and a black robe that looked like a trench coat but was the same material as the pajamas she was wearing.

  “You gotta model that coat for us,” Tanya said.

  Catara put the pajamas and her sketches on the chair and slipped on the robe. Then she pulled the cuff from her top over the cuff of the robe.

  “That is dope! I'm loving those pajamas!” Louisa said.“You look like you're ready to go out for the day.”

  “Yeah, if you don't have time to get dressed, you can
run out with your pajamas on,” Jessica added.

  Alecia picked up the other set of pajamas.“Those are one of my favorite color combinations. It's what I used in my bedroom. Can we see the sketches too?” she asked.

  The ladies raved over Catara's creations.

  “You've really got something there,” Tanya said.

  “I only hope the fashion industry will embrace them, as well.”

  “Believe me, it's only a matter of time,” Alecia said.

  “Okay, I hate to bust up the fashion show, but I need to pass these things out. We've been so busy that I nearly forgot. But being the efficient person that Jessica is, she remembered,” Louisa said.

  Jessica handed out forms to everyone.

  “These are the forms that we need to have ready when we get to the boat. I'd like to have them all together. So if you could fill them out, and get your passport or your photo ID and birth certificate together, I'll return them to you tomorrow night when we come back to the hotel. Now, if I'm not mistaken, we have one more question that needs to be answered before we turn in,” Louisa said, looking at Lashawnda.

  “Who, me?” Lashawnda said and smiled.“I guess we saved the best for last—at least I've sobered up a bit.”

  “What was your question?” Elise asked.

  “I know you ladies are beat, because I am. But don't fall asleep until I'm finished,” she said.“My question was 'What do you appreciate now that you didn't before?' Well, I appreciate adult braces.”

  “What?” Tanya said, nearly choking on a cashew.“Girl, you are crazy.”

  “No, really. I got braces shortly after I met Cicely. She was trying to make sure I was completely refined on the outside.” Lashawnda cleared her throat.“You know, for a psychologist, she was always a little too concerned about appearances, which was cool with me, because I knew I needed to be polished around the edges.”

  “Is that it?” Catara said.

  “Yes, but no, there's more,” Lashawnda said.

  HAT I LEARNED from my two years of constant visits with my orthodontist is the reality of something my grandmother used to say to me often before she died. She'd say, “Lashawnda, the problem with young people today is that they want everything right now. You don't truly appreciate what you have until you come to realize that life is like planting a seed.”

  She'd say, “You plant a seed and you watch it grow. It's a process. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes time and patience and nurturing care for that seed to grow up right. That is why I can't give you some money to go to the store just because you ask for it.”

  EVERYBODY LAUGHED quietly.

  BUT SERIOUSLY, IF any of you have had braces, you know that you go in for your initial visit, the doctor X-rays your mouth and then gives you an idea of how long he thinks it'll take to complete your procedure. He might say a year, two years, or three years. Then he'll say something like, “You'll be finished in no time.”

  Well, that was what happened to me. My orthodontist told me that I would be finished with my braces in one year. That year stretched out to two because of unexpected complications with my teeth. My smile is beautiful now, but I had to go through hell and back to get it.

  Cicely knew a lingual specialist who put braces on the back of your teeth, so when I first got those things on, I was so excited. I spent extra time in the mirror, with my mouth wide open, looking to see how they were positioned. Then I'd check my smile every day to see how much it had changed from the previous day. I accepted the pain that came with having the braces on because I knew they were working.

  But as time went on, I had to go back and see that man every month. Every time I left his office, I'd leave in pain, pain that would linger on for two or three days. I didn't like having braces so much anymore. I'm a muncher—I love chips, crackers, nuts, anything that I can munch on. But after trying to munch and being met with excruciating pain, I had to alter some of my food choices. I was not happy about that.

  Then, as the braces began to work, my smile was changing and not for the better, but for the worse. One day I went to the mirror and looked at my smile, and I swore I saw a horse staring back at me.

  “STOP IT, LASHAWNDA, you are killing me,” Tanya said. She was bent over in laughter. Everybody else was too.

  NAH, SERIOUSLY. I went through some changes. I was a grown-ass woman who had to meet the world every day. Some of the time, I wanted to skip work because I didn't want anybody peeping my new smile for the day. I actually became depressed. Several of Cicely's clients were manic-depressive—I tell you this, I became lower than any of them! At least I felt like I was. As my teeth were being altered by my braces, so was my personality.

  I used to walk into the orthodontist's office in a good mood. Then he told me that I was going to have to live with my braces for one more year. I wasn't mentally prepared to hear that. I wanted my braces off, right then. I didn't think I could handle another year. I found myself dreading my appointments. When I sat in the chair, I was no longer nice. I only wanted to know when the braces were coming off, and if the answer wasn't “Today,” then there wasn't anything further that we had to discuss. I'd leave frustrated and disappointed because they were never sure how many more months I had to go, plus there was a new pain from the adjustment of my braces that I had to settle into.

  I felt ugly some days. I kept my time in front of the mirror to a minimum because I didn't want a reminder that I wasn't finished with my braces. I felt miserable other days. I was angry with my mother for not having the means to get me braces at an earlier age. I was mad at myself for getting them when I did. I was mad! I was just mad!

  Then during the last few months of having my braces, I noticed that I talked to my orthodontist a little more. Every time I left the office, I'd get that feeling of dread, but it wasn't as strong as it was before. I started looking into the mirror and began smiling again. The reflection was beginning to look good again, better. Every day I lingered a little longer.

  Before long, the orthodontist said, “We're removing your braces today.” I tell you what—I cried. I sat in that chair and cried tears of relief. I felt like I had journeyed through a desert and returned. Maybe other people are stronger, but the process of having braces was a struggle for me.

  It wasn't until a few months later, when I was at the dry cleaners picking up some items and a handsome gentleman said to me, “You have a beautiful smile,” that I associated my journey of getting braces with my grandmother's saying—life is like planting a seed. Then I was able to relate other things in my life to it. Like me going from a grocery store employee to a skilled executive assistant. It took me years to learn and perfect my position.

  See, you plant a seed in a ground, and it's buried away from you. You can't even see your seed anymore, but you know where it is, so you water it. Then one day you return and there is a little plant budding out of the ground. Nothing spectacular, but just enough to let you know that you're making progress. Then the seed changes—it is now a plant, and as the plant grows, you have to watch it closely, pick the weeds away from around it. Sometimes you might have to use a stick or something to support it because it's weak and might need a little help in its development. Then maybe one or two of the leaves might die, so you have to cut them off. But the plant is still developing. One day, when you come back to the plant, you realize that it is fully mature and ripe and exactly what you hoped it to be.

  So getting my braces helped me to appreciate the process of life. I have grown so much, and it hasn't happened overnight. I have been subjected to love, rejection, learning, failing, rejoicing, and crying, but all of those things have worked to shape who I am.

  Like I said before, I am still working on figuring out exactly what that means I am, but there are definitely things about me I have come to like and appreciate.

  “I'M NOT WHAT I ought to be, but I'm not what I used to be! Now let the church say 'Amen'!” Lashawnda said, laughing at herself.

  “Amen!” the women said in un
ison and giggled themselves up. Some yawned. Others stretched.

  “Lashawnda, you do have a beautiful smile,” Alecia said.

  They each made their way into their beds, where they reflected on the events of the day until one by one they dozed off into a deep slumber.

  ESSICA TURNED THE volume way up on her jam box. It was four-thirty a.m., and the women had barely gotten two hours of sleep. Playing was a previously recorded tape that had been made by the radio show both to wish the ladies happy birthday and to make sure that they woke, be it annoyed or grumpy, on time to catch their boat. Blasting from the speaker was Stevie Wonder singing “Happy Birthday to You.”

  Although no one actually got out of bed, Jessica knew the tape was working because she could hear stirring and groans of aggravation. She let the tape play through as she tried to beat the rush and get herself prepared for the day.

  After the Stevie Wonder song ended, Melvin Green and the Morning Show Crew sang their dreadfully funny rendition of “Happy Birthday.” Hearing Melvin's voice alone got Lashawnda out of the bed. She bounced to the music while going through her bag to get her toothbrush and toothpaste.

  By the time the song ended, everyone else was stirring with quiet smiles on their faces. The Morning Crew then yelled, “Happy birthday, Alecia, Catara, Elise, Lashawnda, and Tanya. Oh, and you too, Louisa, happy birthday, we can't wait until you get back!”

  “As a reminder we have to be dressed by five a.m., ladies. Stan will be out front to pick us up. Breakfast will be served on the ship,” Louisa said. Several celebrity voices came on back to back, wishing them happy birthday in their own special way: Sean “P. Diddy” Combs, Queen Latifah, Mary J. Blige, LL Cool J, Busta Rhymes, Babyface, Janet Jackson, and Dr. Dre. The ladies were ecstatic, and everyone took a moment from what they were doing to listen closely to each celebrity's greeting.

  “Oh, I just love Dr. Dre,” Tanya said.

  “LL is my man!” Catara added.“His lips get me every time.”

  “Is he gonna be on the boat?” Lashawnda asked.