The Night Before Thirty

by Tajuana Butler

  Tanya grabbed the picture and fell back onto her sofa. The photo was a reminder of everything that she had yet to face. She closed her eyes and tried to drift back to her recent trip. Although she'd just gotten back to Chicago, her time spent relaxing in tropical bliss seemed so long ago. She sat there for a moment, going over her options, to decide what her first move was going to be. She'd have to accept her job transfer to Atlanta. She'd already been approved and had thirty days to accept. Then she'd have to pack her things.

  The tough part would be telling Chris she was pregnant. She knew he wouldn't want her to leave. Maybe, she thought, it would be better if I never said anything to him, just hired movers to pack up everything and take the long drive in my car to Atlanta. The drive would give her time to think. She'd have to choose an apartment. She'd already gone through several apartment guides and had an idea of what area she wanted to live in. She'd have to make a final decision based on her single income, and she'd be getting a one-bedroom instead of a two since Chris wouldn't be joining her.

  A loud knocking startled Tanya.

  She hesitantly got up off the sofa. She knew it was Chris—who else would it be? There was so much she needed to think through. She wasn't ready yet to see him, but he continued to bang on the door. She let him in.

  “Where have you been?” he barked as he walked through the door.

  “Like you care. Haven't you been gone all weekend?”

  “You didn't answer my question, Tanya. Where have you been?” he asked, and slammed the door behind him. Then he looked down at her luggage.“I knew it.”

  “You knew what?”

  “That you went on a trip. Who the hell is he?” he demanded.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Who did you go on vacation with?” he asked.

  Tanya took a chair at the table. She was feeling a little dizzy.

  Chris grabbed the top of the chair next to her and pushed his weight on his arms. Then he eyed her intensely.

  “I went on a trip. Me and four other women won a trip over the radio.”

  “Yeah, right,” Chris said, and sat down in the chair.

  “Believe me or not—I have no reason to lie. So how was your trip?” she asked.“Wait a minute. Don't even tell me. I don't want to know.”

  The two sat staring away from one another. Tanya looked at her nails, which were tapping on the table, while Chris was hard-fixed on the wall in front of him.

  “I didn't go,” he said in such a low voice that Tanya barely heard him.

  The tapping stopped.

  “What did you say?” she asked.

  “I said, I didn't go,” he replied.

  “Oh.”

  More silence.

  “I'm still moving,” she said.

  “I figured that,” he said, shaking his head.“You still going without me?”

  Tanya didn't respond.

  “Listen, I'm sorry for walking out on you, but I didn't want to fight. You were seeing things one way, and I was seeing them another,” he said.

  “Exactly,” she replied, crossing her arms.

  “But not anymore.”

  Tanya looked at him.

  “I want to move to Atlanta with you. That's if you want me to. I could-n't wait to tell you, but your car was gone all weekend. I've been driving around by your place and calling.”

  “I know how that feels,” Tanya said, and rolled her eyes.“And frankly, Chris, I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm tired of wasting my life waiting on you to make a move. I've waited on you all of my adult life, and where has that gotten me?”

  “Baby, I know you have, and I know I haven't been there for you, not the way that you've needed me to be.”

  “Well, I'm glad you've finally realized that.”

  “I have, and that's why I'm here right now.”

  “Uumph,” Tanya replied. It all seemed too easy, his sudden change of heart.“So why didn't you go to Texas, Chris? Why did you change your mind?”

  Chris took a deep breath, and then blew out a gust of air.

  “I was going to tell you this even if you didn't ask, but the morning I left your apartment, the cops came to my place and started questioning me about T-Roy's murder.”

  “I thought the case was closed,” Tanya said.

  “It is, as far as them arresting Payne and his boy. The other two with them were shot. But there were other things involved, so they questioned me, and the low-down bastards locked me up overnight.”

  “So you were in jail. No wonder you didn't go to Texas.”

  “I said overnight. They had to let me go because they were holding me on some trumped-up charges.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Anyway, while I was laying there overnight in that hard, tiny little bed, I had the chance to do some real thinking. I thought about you and me and all the preaching you've been doing to me about not having to have an elaborate life.”

  “So you got scared. That's why you didn't go,” Tanya said, interrupting. She didn't have time for a sob story that was supposed to help him get her back.

  “If you would let me talk, I'll be able to tell you what I'm trying to say.”

  Tanya stared at Chris. She didn't want to continue listening. She didn't need to because she knew the real deal. Chris felt the heat and he was dodging trouble. That's why he didn't go to Texas and was suddenly in a hurry to move to Atlanta.

  “Like I said. I had time to think while I was in jail, but I didn't make a decision until I was walking out of my place to meet my peeps to head out to Texas. I saw this couple. They were getting into a raggedy-ass car. But the brother was walking with so much pride, and his girl, you could tell she was in love with him. He opened the passenger door for her. Before she got in they kissed. Them standing there kissing reminded me of us.” He stood up.

  “Then when I caught up with my peeps, my boy and his girl were outside in front of the car, screaming at the top of their lungs. She was begging him not to go, and he was telling her to get back into the house. Tanya, I got the eeriest feeling, and you know I'm not easily spooked by much. But I had a moment. I could see clear as day that if we went, whether we were caught or not, that I would never see you again. And I couldn't breathe.”

  Tanya looked at Chris. She was sure that he was saying whatever he needed to get her to change her mind.

  “I know you don't believe me, but Tanya, I told my boy it was off. Then I went to my spots to get my money so that we could get ready to be out. One of the stashes is low, way low, but that's all right—I know who took it. I care about my money, but Tanya, instead of me chasing him, I've been looking for you all weekend. The longer it took for me to find you, the more I knew what I had to do.”

  Chris fell to his knees in front of Tanya.

  “I know I've lived a fucked-up life and made a lot of bad choices. I haven't done a whole lot of things I'm proud of. Since T-Roy was shot, nothing has made sense, Tanya, nothing, except for you. You are the only thing that is worth holding on to.”

  He reached into his pocket and started fumbling around.

  “I'm used to living a certain way. I'm not dumb—I know old habits die hard. But I'm making a promise on this ring that I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you always look at me the way that woman looked at her man, even though he was driving a broke-down car.” Chris opened the small box and pulled out an engagement ring.

  “I'm going to tell you now. I'm not getting a job. I never will, but I am going to open my rims shop, and I'm going to make it work. But I know that it can only work if you are the woman by my side.”

  Chris held the ring between his fingers while Tanya watched him in disbelief. She didn't budge, but her mind was racing. Just when I made up in my mind to move on, he has the nerve to try to get it right! she thought. Well, it's too late.

  “After all these years, you don't love me anymore?” he questioned.

  “Chris, I love you. It's just that—”

  “What, you
don't believe in me? You don't believe I'm capable of changing, do you? Because if you don't, then I don't need to be here,” he said and lowered his head. Then he put the ring back into the box.“I'm sorry. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought we had something worth fighting for.”

  Chris got off his knees and sat in the chair, but Tanya's silence was too much. He got up and stood in front of her.

  She didn't look at him. She couldn't.

  “Well, I won't bother you again, Tanya,” he said in a lowered voice.“I see you've already decided to move on with your life.” He stood there a while longer to give her a chance to say something, but she didn't. He turned and walked out of the door.

  She watched him leave.

  But it wasn't right. It wasn't what she wanted. It contradicted everything she'd ever hoped and prayed that they could have, and this time if it didn't come to pass, it was going to be all on her. So she rushed to the door, down the hall, and out of the front entrance and called out to Chris, who was about to get into his truck.

  It was freezing out, but Tanya didn't care.

  “Chris, you didn't give me a chance to answer your question.”

  He stopped short.“I'm listening.”

  “You asked me if I believed in you.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Chris, I want to believe in you. I need to believe in you. I've loved you since I first met you, but you weren't ready then. But I have to believe you when you say you're ready now,” she yelled to him.“Will you come back inside, please? It's freezing out here.”

  Chris closed the truck door and walked back over to Tanya. They stepped into the hall.

  “Chris, I'm scared. I am very scared,” she admitted.

  “I know you are, baby, but me and you are going to make it. We're going to be a good team. That's if you're saying yes. Are you saying yes? Please tell me you're saying yes,” he said, and poked out his lips.

  “Yes, Chris. I am saying yes,” Tanya said confidently.

  Chris threw his arms around her and wildly kissed her.

  “I love you so much and it's gonna work, just you and me,” he said.

  “Chris, it's not just you and me anymore,” Tanya said.“What?” he replied, fumbling through his pocket again.

  “Chris, I'm pregnant,” she announced.

  He threw his head back in excitement.“Really? Are you serious? Are you really pregnant?” he asked. He lifted her up and swung her around. Then he put her down and tried to compose himself.

  “That's all the more reason to do this thing right, starting here and now.” Chris kneeled on his knees again and grabbed Tanya's hand.

  “Tanya, will you make me the proudest man in the world and say you'll marry me?” he asked.

  “I will,” she said, and kissed her future husband. She was not sure what their actions on that day meant they would become, or where it would take them, but for the first time in their relationship, she trusted that Chris was going to do the right thing for himself, for her, and for their unborn baby.

  S SOON AS Lashawnda pulled up at her mother's apartment, she quickly dropped her bags in the guest bedroom that used to belong to her, then she went back to the living room, where her mother was rearranging furniture.

  “Making room for the tree, huh?” she said.

  “Yeah, we're going to pick it up tonight when John gets home.”

  “You need some help?” Lashawnda asked.

  “Nah.”

  “I'm getting ready to go to the store. Do you need anything?”

  “A pack of cigarettes,” her mother replied.

  “I got you. And, Mom, I plan to be out by the end of the month,” Lashawnda said as she headed out the door.

  “I hope so, because it's getting crowded around here,” her mother responded, and went back to adjusting the furniture.

  Lashawnda came back from the store with her mother's cigarettes, a bag of chips, a drink, the Sunday paper, and an apartment guide magazine.

  She'd already narrowed down that she wanted to live in Cobb County, so that she'd be close to downtown by train and also not be too far from her mother. She had good credit, so she knew she'd have no problem finding a move-in special where there would be either no deposit or the first month of rent would be free. There were tons of promos like that. She just had to decide which place would be in her price range.

  It was still early on Sunday, so she called the properties she was interested in and found she could visit them that day. She grabbed the guide and headed out the door to hunt for apartments.

  She adored the first place she came to—it was near the bus line and close to the mall, and the layout was spacious and clean—but she decided to check out the others on her list, just in case. Of the three she visited, she liked the first best, plus they were offering a waived deposit and the first month's rent free, so she rushed back to their leasing office and signed the contract for her new place. Provided her credit check and employment verification would go through on Monday, the place was hers to move into on the fifteenth.

  Lashawnda was so pumped that she drove back to her mother's place to search the classifieds for a new job. She passed her mother and John on their way out the door.

  “Shawnda, we going to go get the tree. There are some greens and ham in the oven. Help yourself. Just leave us some for sandwiches.”

  “Thanks, and Momma, I'll be moving out sooner than I thought.”

  “Okay, Lashawnda, but it's not that serious,” her mother replied.

  “Oh yes it is,” Lashawnda replied, and walked into the apartment. She knew her mother needed her privacy as much as she did.

  Lashawnda scanned the classifieds with her highlighter pen and marked every administrative, executive assistant, and office manager ad she qualified for. Most were through a temporary job placement service. She cut and taped the ads into her notebook so that she could discreetly make phone calls and fax out resumes without having the newspaper on her desk at work. Cicely had watched her like a hawk the past week, and she didn't want to do anything to draw attention to the fact that she was actively pursuing another job.

  CICELY BOUNCED THROUGH the office, glowing, still on a high from her vacation. Lashawnda was on a high herself—early that morning, the apartment she'd applied for called to verify her employment and Lashawnda validated it herself. So there was an abundance of positive energy bouncing around, only their energies worked hard to avoid each other. Cicely walked around, in and out of her office, humming all day, while Lashawnda attempted to be involved in her duties. She'd actually gotten a lot done, but whenever she found herself alone because Cicely was in with a patient, she pulled out her notepad and made phone calls and sent out several faxes. She put her cell phone number as her contact number on her resume; she put the phone on vibrate and answered as many of the incoming calls as possible. By lunch, she had some promising interviews set up. Several of the temp agents she'd spoken with assured her that she would have no problem finding a new job.

  Cicely finished with her last client before lunch. It was Mrs. Bland. Her black eye had cleared up, and she seemed to be in good spirits. After she walked out the door, Cicely buzzed Lashawnda.

  “Yes, Cicely,” Lashawnda said through the intercom.

  “Could you come in for just a minute?” she asked.

  “I'm on my way,” Lashawnda replied. She picked up a small pad and a pen just in case she needed to take notes and walked into Cicely's office. When she walked in, her mind flashed to all of the lunch breaks and late evenings they'd spent in there, fooling around on the therapy couch. They were fun times, but Lashawnda didn't want a part of them anymore.

  “Have a seat,” Cicely said. Lashawnda took a seat in a chair across the desk and waited for her to speak.

  “What are your plans for lunch?” Cicely asked.

  “I was thinking I would run downstairs and get something from the deli and come back up here and eat at my desk,” Lashawnda said.

  “Would you like to join me for d
inner?” Cicely asked, as if Lashawnda had never caught her and Marissa having sex in their bed. As if they were supposed to still be a couple.

  “No … thank you,” Lashawnda replied slowly. She decided that there was nothing that Cicely could say, or do, that would have shock value.

  “Lashawnda, we're going to be working together; we might as well try to be friends,” Cicely insisted.

  “Cicely, I will continue to work for you because I need a check and you need an employee, but I don't see how we can be friends, because every time I look at you now all I see is Marissa's breasts all in your face. I feel betrayed. I see you as a liar. How can we be friends when I see all of that?”

  “I understand that you're upset, Lashawnda, and I apologize that things turned out the way that they did. I still care about you. It's just that Marissa was under a tremendous amount of stress, and she came on to me. I tried to resist, but you know what happens when you've had too much to drink. One thing led to another, and that's when you walked in.”

  Lashawnda burst into laughter.“Cicely, you think I'm some kind of a fool, don't you? I'm not the same person you rescued in front of the grocery store. I'm a full-grown woman. And I'm insulted that you would come to me with a lame story like that.” Lashawnda shook her head in disgust.“You know what, Cicely, I was going to try to stay here through the week, but it's not even worth it. The money is not that big a deal.”

  “So you're quitting?” Cicely asked in disbelief.

  “You know, I tried, but I can't stand to be in the same space with you.”

  “After everything I've done for you, you mean to tell me you're going to just leave me without any help?” She was beginning to lose control of her usually calm demeanor.

  “I'm sure I've returned the favor in more ways than one,” Lashawnda said, and got up out of her seat.“You weren't the only one giving.”