The Tip of My Tongue

by Trezza Azzopardi

  Of course I do, I say, but it still doesn’t sound like the Caerphilly I know which is in Wales. I don’t tell him he’s saying it wrong because he’s well into his plot and doing his sneaky face which puts me nearly on Red Alert.

  What if we went on a demonstration? he goes, Because Zander has got it all worked out.

  But what about the concert? I say, because we have got to do the dress rehearsal so that we know where to sit and stand and everything.

  Oh, he says, in a very haughty way, We shall be going to a concert, alright, Enid, don’t you worry about that.

  And then he points at my head where there’s a still a scab because it’s nice to pick it and he says, We don’t want any more accidents, do we, dear cousin?

  I am totally on Red Alert now, but even before I can get my fingers in a Cree, the next thing he does is makes me Swear, On Pain of Death, not to tell Aunty Celia or Uncle Horace anything about Zander’s plan.

  *

  So, Enid, are you looking forward to the dress rehear­sal? says Aunty Celia, all casual. I’m sitting in the front of the car on all the plastics and Geraint’s right behind me with his knocky knees bumping the back of the seat, so I don’t say anything, I just nod.

  What about you, Geraint? In good voice? she goes, Ready for action?

  Yuhh, he says, which means Yes in normal words.

  Even though I haven’t told a lie or anything, I’m keeping my fingers in the Cree position just in case I have to in a minute. But Aunty Celia doesn’t say anything else except, What horrendous traffic! Christmas shopping! every ten seconds until we are nearly at the bus stop. The coach is already there waiting and Geraint starts getting all huffy in the back and says, Hurry up, will you! It’ll go without us! Then he’s belting out of the car before I can even get my door handle undone.

  Aunty Celia does a little laugh and says, Hang on, Enid, I’ve got something for you, and she gives me her leather gloves out of her pocket.

  It’ll be cold tonight, she says, looking at me funny, You might need them.

  In Caerphilly? I say, before I even think about not saying it.

  Exactly, she says, and at first I think her eye is going a bit squinty but then I see she’s winking at me.

  You stay close to the others, dear, won’t you? Don’t go wandering off on your own.

  She’s doing her eye again so I think she must be On To Us about Zander’s plot. I do what all the best spies do and Throw her off the Scent by showing her how I can bend the fingers of her gloves over backwards on account of them being too long for my hands.

  Better get going, sweetheart, she says, and she leans over and gives me a kiss right on my head near the scabby bit. I think she must be quite brave to do that because I don’t even like looking at her neck even though the hole is gone because it makes me feel like the floor is jumping up at me, and I wouldn’t kiss it for a million pounds. Then she goes, Yakki Da, Enid, and does a funny laugh.

  I don’t know what to say to that. I think it must be Russian and that she is letting me know that she is a spy as well, so I wave at her with my extra long fingers to let her know I have Deciphered her Code.

  Seventeen

  There are twelve of us going on the coach not counting Mrs PeePee’s dog who is a Yorkshire Terrier called Nancy after Nancy in the Oliver film.

  Vicar jumps on first and sits right at the front near the driver where he can speak loud at everybody if he wants to. I would like to sit in the front too because I don’t know if I will be sick on the coach but I probably will be sick, but before I can get on some old people push in front of me and one says, Age before beauty, and another one goes, Mind your manners, little girl.

  I don’t say, It’s rude manners to push in, because Uncle Horace says that in Russia they have queues everywhere all the time, so I must get used to it and not get my craze on if I am going to be a Secret Agent Undercover.

  Geraint and Jeffrey are behind me and Jeffrey is whispering in Geraint’s ear. I don’t know how he can stand it, I get whiffs of his breath from miles away. Then two girls get on and Jeffrey and Geraint start whistling the Muppets song, then they go quiet and beetroot all of a sudden because Serena is coming as well. Serena is the most perfect girl ever and when she comes to choir practice Geraint starts doing a funny thing with his neck, like he’s trying to stop his head from falling off, and sometimes he puts his hand in his trouser pocket and searches for his hand­kerchief. He can’t do that today because he has got on new trousers which are very shiny and tight, so he just pretends to bend down and pull his sock up.

  I’ve kept you a seat, Serena! goes Vicar, and she goes, Oh, sure, Zander, like she couldn’t care less and swishes her skirt round and falls herself in the seat like she is very exhausted.

  Mrs PeePee says, Come and sit with me, Edith, so I pretend I don’t know who she’s talking to because she always gets my name wrong and calls me Effie or Etty or something. But I would like to play with Nancy so I get on and sit next to her behind Serena. I Do a Recce on Serena because I have never been this close up to her before. I can only see a couple of bits, like her arm hanging over the end of the seat which has got bangles going all up it like my mother used to have and golden bits in her hair. She smells really lovely. She smells like my mother.

  Geraint and Jeffrey go right to the back of the coach really quick and then we’re off. Vicar gets up as we’re going round the roundabout but the driver says, Sit down, Mate, so he sits down again. But he gets up again when we are going in a straight line and says,

  Welcome everybody, I’d just like to say a few words before we hit the motorway. Now, we all know why we’re here today, but before we say a prayer and ask the Lord for courage and fortitude, we must take this opportunity to remind ourselves that we are soon to witness the most massive degenera­tion and rampant evil that the world has ever seen. It is vital that we present a unified front against Satan and all his minions and show how the power of Christ can destroy unclean and dare I say, lewd, thoughts and habits of these lost souls through hope and righteous judgement...

  Vicar can be very boring when he drones on. Anyway, I already know everything, because Geraint has told me and I have kept it secret on Pain of Death, even though Aunty Celia knows all about it. She would make a brilliant secret agent if she ever gets fed up of being a lady. We are going to demonstrate against the Evil Force that is appearing in Caerphilly tonight. We are going to sing our carols outside the cinema to stop Satan and his Sexy Pistol gang from Wreaking Havoc and Destroying the World as We Know it.

  When Geraint said we were going to the cinema I got quite excited because I love going to the pictures, but he said, It’s not a film, stupid, and you won’t be going in, then he did his little laugh which just showed his top teeth and looked very sneaky. I must be on Red Alert when he does his laugh, because it means he will pinch me or ping my ear when nobody’s looking.

  I get up and turn round to see if he has come up behind me, but he is still at the back with Jeffrey. They are pulling faces out of the window and sticking their fingers up so I sit down again and Mrs PeePee says, Would you like to have Nancy for a bit, Elsie?

  Nancy is very small and trembly. When I put her on my lap she starts going round and round on my skirt and twisting it up all creased, then she huffs down right in the middle. I try to pull my skirt out a bit but she starts doing this growl. It starts off small but gets bigger and longer until Mrs PeePee says, Oh, I think she likes you, Edna.

  I can’t move very much for a very long time so I look at Mrs PeePee to take her dog back but she is asleep with her mouth open. If I even go to scratch my nose Nancy growls at me, so I shut my eyes and try not to think about being on the coach because that makes me think about being sick. I can smell Serena’s perfume so I think about what colour it is to take my mind off being sick, and I decide it’s not just one colour, it’s like my mother’s eyes, which are blue with green speckles in. I’m just picturing my mother’s eyes and having a lovely dream when I
hear Vicar going,

  ...special person in one’s life, do you know what I mean?

  And Serena going,

  Yeah, Zander, absolutely.

  So, you know, if you ever feel you need to talk to someone, I am there for you, says Vicar, and she goes,

  Yeah, cheers.

  And he goes, Because I completely understand that sometimes a young person needs a role model, someone who is absolutely trustworthy and will empathise with their situation and not judge them.

  And she goes, Sure, that’s good.

  So, y’know, I’m here for you. That’s all I’m saying.

  Great, she goes, Thanks.

  Because you must feel... I don’t know, you must feel a terrible burden on you at this time in your life. I’m not so old, haw-haw, that I don’t remember the lure of ascendant sexuality, the uncontrollable surges of desire.

  And she goes, No, it’s cool, really.

  Because, you know, you must be, er, fifteen? Sixteen?

  I’m seventeen, actually, she goes.

  Then it’s quiet for a bit and then he goes,

  So, what are you doing afterwards?

  Eighteen

  I have never seen a boy look so stupid as Geraint looks in that get-up. If he thinks Serena will fall in love with him looking like that he’s got another think coming.

  When we got there a million hours later and it was dark, Vicar asked the coach driver to drop us in the car park round the back of the cinema. Then when we were all off and I was being sick on the pavement he said, Right troops, rally round, I have something for all of you.

  He went under the coach in the bit where they put the suitcases and he brought out a big box full of cardboards on sticks. The cardboards had writing on them, like, God is Not Your Enemy, and, Praise the Lord and Shame the Devil, and, You’re Going to Hell!!! and more stuff like that, and he wanted us all to have one to wave at the Sinners. The old people said, I can’t hold that with my angina, and, I can’t hold that with my walking stick, but the Muppet girls took two each and Mrs PeePee said, I will have one if Esme looks after Nancy for me.

  She meant me, but it was No Deal, Gringo, because Nancy had already bit me twice on the coach, once when I tried to move my leg a tiny bit because it had pins and needles and another time when I was yawning. I have gone off dogs For Life thanks to her.

  Geraint was being very kind all of a sudden which was really suspicious. He said, Hey, Zander, I’m just going to take Enid to the toilets over there so she can wash the sick off, we’ll catch you up, and Mrs PeePee went – Who’s Enid? I’ve got a cousin called Enid – but Geraint was pulling me over to the toilets in the far bit of the car park.

  I went in and had a wash but not much because the soap was absolutely filthy and there was no paper and then I waited for Geraint and Jeffrey outside and they took for ages.

  When they came out again they had done something horrible to their hair, which was sticking up all over the place even worse than Aunty Celia’s after a lie down, and Geraint was wearing a collar round his neck with pointy pieces all over it and the toilet chain from the bathroom which went missing last night. It was hanging off his trousers.

  Geraint, you found the chain! I said, because Aunty Celia would be quite delighted, and he said, Shut up, what do you know?

  I didn’t mind him saying that because spies always have to pretend they don’t know anything, so I must have been doing a brilliant job.

  Go and find the other nutters, he said, And remem­­ber what I told you – keep that buttoned.

  I only noticed when he pointed to his mouth that he had a big safety pin in the side of his face, and then I saw that Jeffrey had one as well in the same place but his kept falling on the floor.

  Why have you done that? I said, You’ll have to have a tetanus now, and Geraint started talking but had to take it out to tell me off, so I could see it didn’t go all the way through.

  I pretended to look for the others but I was really going to spy on Geraint, so I hid behind the toilets until they went round the corner and then I tippy-toed after them. Only, when I got to the front of the cinema I couldn’t find them because it was packed with boys and some girls and they all looked the same as Geraint and Jeffrey with their hair a mess and filthy clothes, like they had been in a terrible fight at school and got their tops ripped and covered in felt pen.

  I thought I might be able to use the special power in my nose to smell Jeffrey’s breath but there were quite a lot of boys standing about with facefuls of pimples and B.O.

  After a while I got a bit worried because some of the boys were going, Who’s this then? and, She’s started young, and, Someone’s lost their mammy, which made me feel quite suspicious, because how could they know that? Then a boy bumped into me and someone else pushed me in the side and I thought I might go Undercover and give up spying for a while and find everyone else because they would want me to sing the Solo part quite soon.

  Then I had the brilliant idea that it would be really easy to find them because they would be holding the cardboards and singing, except there were millions of people singing and holding cardboards and most of them looked like the Muppet girls or the old people.

  I thought I could go back to the coach and have a sit on it until they all came back, but there were loads of coaches in the car park and I couldn’t remem­ber which one was ours. I was getting a bit of a dizzy feeling in my head and my foot was hurting where someone had stood on it and my hands were cold because I couldn’t remember what I’d done with Aunty Celia’s gloves, but then I saw my mother standing by the side door with a man. She was smoking a fag and twizzling her hair around, and I ran up to her as fast as I could and put my arms round her middle and smelt her smell.

  Hey, little one, she said.

  And then I saw it wasn’t my mother, it was Serena, and a big bit of sick came up and stuck in my throat and made my eyes hurt and I couldn’t swallow it. It was like when you swallow a bubblegum by accident and you can’t make it go down, you just have to wait and it takes ages.

  Don’t cry, honey, she said, and she bent down and gave me a cuddle.

  Not yours, I hope, said the man, who had a face like all the other boys, only a lot older.

  She’s a friend, she said, Aren’t you? A very special friend.

  Then she waved goodbye to the man and got me by the hand and as we were walking away, he shouted, Dosvidanya, beautiful!

  And she said, Bye, Mal, see you again sometime.

  What did he say? I said, when we were crossing the road.

  Who? Malcolm? she went, Oh, that’s just Russian. He likes to think he’s so individual. Pathetic.

  I don’t know who Malcolm is but I’m glad that Serena knows Russian. Maybe she can teach me some. Maybe she’s even a spy.

  Nineteen

  Cynthia Asquith and her mother have just arrived outside the church in their sports car. I’ll have to find Serena really quick because I want to stand next to her in the choir and show Cynthia I have got a new best friend and couldn’t care less.

  I was very fed up when we got there and I saw it was just an ordinary church, because I had wrote a letter to my dad and told him we were singing in the Cathedral. If we had gone for our proper dress rehear­sal instead of to the Demonstration I would have been Fully Briefed, which is good for a spy to be as it means they know everything. I’m worrying in case my dad takes the day off of fixing the roof and goes to the Cathedral and sees we’re not there. Then he might go to the house instead but there’ll be nobody at home because Uncle Horace and Aunty Celia have come to watch us singing. And now Cynthia Asquith has turned up and if she sees me crying she will laugh her head off.

  Cynthia is not my best friend any more ever since I told her what Aunty Celia said about the pot and the kettle.

  We were having lunch which is like dinner only different, and Aunty Celia was telling Uncle Horace a story in sign language. They sometimes do that when they can’t be bothered to go in his Study and Hav
e a Word in Private. They do not know I can speak sign language, only Russian since Serena learned me that Da means Yes.

  Aunty Celia began with the sign for Cynthia, which is cuppy eye, because of Cynthia’s patch still being on her glasses.

  So then cuppy eye’s mother, you know who she is, Horace – and then Aunty Celia made the sign of the flicky hand, which means Cynthia’s mother because she is always flicking her long blonde hair about – went into his office eyebrow squinty eye and didn’t come out for an hour!

  Whose office? said Uncle Horace.

  Piano fingers, of course. Are you listening to me?

  Sadly, yes, said Uncle Horace.

  Well, Janet says it’s been going on for a year!

  What has?

  You know, flicky hand, twisty shoulders, piano fingers, squinty eye.

  Which means: Cynthia’s mother is having it off with Mr Lane the piano teacher.

  That’s nice, said Uncle Horace, because he hasn’t really learned sign language, except for the I am so bored look he does sometimes.

  Which is why cuppy eye is suddenly allowed in the choir! That child cannot sing a note. And to think she’s never let me forget my little aberration!

  No, said Uncle Horace, very weary, We mustn’t forget your little aberration. That reminds me, I must show the new pool boy how the drain works.

  Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, she said, And to think he only bought her that car last Christmas.

  How on earth did he manage that? These teachers get paid far too much money, said Uncle Horace.

  Not piano fingers, darling, her husband!

  Do you think you’ll have an affair if I buy you a new car, he said, all perky.

  Ssh, she went, Not in front of the child, dear.

  So when I told Cynthia and Cynthia told her mother, her mother said she must not play with me any more because I am a bad influence to say things like ‘having it off’ and then she telephoned Aunty Celia and they had a big row which was not in sign language. And now we are not best friends any more but Mortal Enemies.