The Tip of My Tongue

by Trezza Azzopardi

  I don’t really want to be Mortal Enemies with Cynthia when I see her though, because she looks so sad in her patchy glasses and her old brown coat. I have got a new coat for the choir, it is red with a fur collar. And Geraint has got a new jacket which he has been Customising in his bedroom all night, which means he has made it look like a tramp’s blazer. Aunty Celia will kill him when she sees it, he has ripped all the arm and tore off half the collar and he has put safety pins all down the front and took the buttons off and put badges there instead which say, Punk til you Puke and Bored Teenager and Sit on My Face.

  Vicar is waiting outside the cathedral in a long dress like Dracula wears, with a bandage on his hand and, when he sees Geraint in his jacket and his shiny trousers, he says, Ah, Gerry, I see you’re still not convinced by our little chat.

  Because when we got back on the coach after the Demonstration we had to wait half an hour for Geraint and Jeffrey who Vicar said were Missing in Action. But when they came on the coach they stank of cider and B.O. and had snot all over their clothes and Jeffrey must have had an accident with his safety pin because a whole load of pimples on his cheek had burst and they were bleeding pus. They went and sat at the back and everyone was very happy about it because they did really stink.

  I sat with Serena but only because she told Vicar I would be sick again, so he had to sit with Mrs PeePee and Nancy, and he got bit too, which is why he is wearing a bandage. I think he is a cissy because I got bit twice and I am not wearing even a plaster.

  Vicar makes a big fuss getting us all In Position as he has had to have a Rethink because of Geraint’s get-up and Jeffrey’s new purple hair. He puts Geraint and Jeffrey behind Mrs PeePee who is right behind the old people who are behind the Muppet girls who are behind me and Cynthia. Serena has not turned up but Vicar has left a gap for her to stand next to him on the end. He says she is running in late.

  Me and Cynthia have to be in the front because I am doing the Solo and Cynthia will take the plate round afterwards. I’m sad because I don’t have a best friend now that Serena is missing so I give Cynthia the rollie eyes when Vicar bores on with his instructions but it doesn’t work. Then I go, Cyn, Cyn, he is like Count Dracula – Ah, New Blood! and I show my teeth at her like fangs but that doesn’t work too. She won’t even speak back, so when we have warm-up before they let the crowds in and sing ‘Silent Night, Holy Night’, I sing to her some new words:

  Cyn-th-ia Ass-quith,

  Will you be, My friend, A-gain?

  And she starts giggling and goes:

  What abou-out, If mu-um finds out?

  And I go:

  We can keep it a see-e-e-cret

  Nobod-ee-ee will e-ever know,

  Sleep in Heavenly Pea-eece! Slee-eep in Heavenly Peace!

  Then they open the doors for the Congregation, which is like all the old people in the world with a million sticks and rainhats.

  Uncle Horace is easy to tell because according to Geraint he has got Grecian hair, that is why it is quite black. Plus, he is with Aunty Celia who has got a massive hat on shaped like a lady’s umbrella from the old days. She does a walk very near Mrs Asquith, so I think she is going to ask her if they can be best friends again, but when she gets really close up she does a huff with her shoulder and marches the other way. Some adults are very childish.

  I’m looking for my dad but he hasn’t come. In all the best stories, the dad turns up at the end and it’s Happy Ever After, but that never happens in real life, only sometimes on television. And that starts me thinking about when we all played Little House on the Prairie for the Social Worker and my mother put on her best long dress and brought a loaf of bread from the baker’s and put it in the oven so she could take it out when the Social Worker came. And my dad came back from the Bookies in the middle of the visit with his face all black because he’d gone in the coal shed first and made it dirty, and we all sat round like it was just normal to have a dad with a black face and home-made bread.

  I’m wishing we could do Little House on the Prairie again when Cynthia nudges me because Vicar is waving like mad with his bandage fingers. I do my Solo which is alright and then I sit back down again and I am fed up. I don’t want a pony or a dog or a Bionic Woman for Christmas. What I really want for Christmas is my mam.

  Twenty

  It is snowing! It is snowing! I cannot believe my eyes!

  When everybody is going away and we are the last because we have to wait, Cynthia goes, Enid look! and points to the big doorway in the church and it is snowing massive snow outside. We do a run straight out of the church and round the circle in the middle of the front and we are all white in one second.

  Then Cynthia goes, Enid, look! Serena’s got a boyfriend! and she points to where we ran out and Serena is standing by the church door smoking a fag and talking to a man who is a man just like my dad. Then I go close up to spy on them and I think that must be my dad because he is wearing his leathers and has got a fag in his face but he has not got a beard, so I think it can’t be my dad. Then he turns round and goes,

  Forgotten me already, Pumpkin?

  And it is my dad.

  *

  I am sitting in the front of the Rover on all the plastics and every time I move it sounds like a fart. Uncle Horace says, Don’t do that, old chum, when Geraint puts the window down in the back, and then Uncle Horace fiddles with the knobs on the front and the air blows in all over my face. When I turn round and stick my tongue out at Geraint I see he is looking quite green like sprouts which we are having for dinner.

  Aunty Celia goes, Horace, pull over for a second, dear, and then Geraint opens the door and he is sick all over the road. It looks like brown porridge on the snow. It is the best Christmas present ever.

  My dad is coming back on his own because he is on a Motorbike, that is why he is wearing his leathers. After we had a cuddle at the church, he said to Serena, This is my daughter Enid, and she said, I know, we’re already acquainted, Privyet, milaya moya, and I said, Privyet Serena, which means Hello in Russian.

  My dad looked really chuffed that I could speak languages and then he said to Serena, Can I give you a lift somewhere? and she went, No thanks, I’m cool, which she always says when she is giving someone the brush-off. Then he said to me, I’ll meet you back at the ranch, honey. Bet I get there before you.

  How much? I said, because that’s what my mother always used to ask when they had a Wager, and he thought for a second and then he went, A quid. See you in a flea.

  A whole quid! I can buy everyone loads of presents now. While I’m sitting on the plastics going home, I think about what to get them. I will get Aunty Celia a new hairbrush and maybe a pinny because she burnt a hole in hers at Harvest Festival time and has not wore it since, and a new glove because I lost one of her old ones. I will get Uncle Horace a trumpet because he is always playing his lips like a trumpet and singing sometimes, especially when he is in the downstairs bathroom. My dad is easy; I will get him the parrot from Gordon’s pet stall and a big bag of Old Holborn for his tin. Geraint is very difficult. Then I have the brilliant idea about what to get him. I will get him some new underpants.

  Except that at this rate Geraint will get a Big Fat Nothing because he keeps making us stop so that he can be sick. We must have stopped seventeen times already, but as soon as Uncle Horace gets going fast, he goes Uh-uuhh, in the back and Aunty Celia goes, Uh-oh, Horace, pull over will you?

  It is still snowing when we come down the hill but my dad is there already standing under the hedge and lighting a fag. We all pile out but Geraint first because he has to be sick again in the bush, and Aunty Celia goes, You must have gone like the wind, Carlo, and he goes, Yeah, Ceel, white-lining all the way.

  Then he grabs me and tickles me and goes, Where’s my quid, Tinker?

  I haven’t got any money apart from my savings which are thirty-seven pee, so I go, Double or quits, which he always says when he loses, and he says, Righto, I call the next bet.

  T
hen Uncle Horace goes to put the car indoors and he says, Carlo, old boy, don’t tell me you came all the way from Cardiff on this? and he is pointing into the garage and when I go to see, I see it is Mrs Mickey’s scooter.

  Goes like a peach, says my dad, Got nearly sixty out of her on the A39.

  You won’t be going back tonight though, surely, Carlo? says Aunty Celia, with her eyelashes going like a moth, Because we’d love you to stay, wouldn’t we, Horace? Horace?

  My Uncle Horace is not listening because he’s trying to get his leg over the scooter the wrong way.

  I used to have one of these in the ’fifties, he says, and my dad goes, It’s probably the same one, Hor.

  But he shakes his head and has gone all sweaty and gets off trying to get on and goes, No it was a Vespa Douglas. What a dream!

  Geraint is having a moody over by the wall, so we all go indoors and Aunty Celia says, I think this calls for a little Celebration, which is Morse code for everyone having a gin and tonic and some peanuts.

  Twenty-one

  Sapphire Street

  25th December 1976

  O Come on all the Faithfuls, Joyful n Triumphungh, o, nuhhnuhh, o nuhhhnuh to Belalalah! Come and nnn-nuh, Born the King of nn-n-

  Enid, come here a sec. Get rid of that racket, love.

  My father is in the kitchen doing something Top Secret which is actually trying to squash the turkey in the oven, so I take the ten pees from him and go and give them to the Carol Singer at our front door. It is not a Carol Singer, it is Robert Crumb wearing a tinsel ring on his head. No wonder it was so rubbish.

  Then I go back inside because I want to have another try of making a fire with my new magnifying glass, which is the best part of my Spy Kit. In it there is a black badge which says SPY in red, as if you would ever wear it and let everyone know you were a spy! Then there’s a disguise which is a nose and glasses and moustache all stuck together, and there’s also a pen that writes invisible that has gone missing.

  My dad got me very worried this morning when he said, Merry Christmas, Enid, Surprise! and covered my eyes and started taking me outside. I thought, Oh no, he has gone and got me a dog! I am gone off dogs but I forgot to tell him. But it wasn’t a dog, it was Aunty Celia and Uncle Horace and Geraint and they were standing in the garden with their scarves all matching pretending to be snowmen. Then when we came inside I said, It’s okay, Uncle Horace, you can stop pretending now, and tried to take the pipe out of his mouth, and he went, Enid, you are a Wonder. This is my Christmas present from Aunty Celia.

  And Aunty Celia said, He won’t light it, Carlo, don’t worry, and my dad went, No worries, Ceel, just all of you relax now, okay? Leave everything to me.

  And she looked at him like he was Cliff Richard who she adores and she said, You are an absolute angel, Carlo. Don’t suppose you’ve got any ice?

  They are all wearing the same jumpers that Aunty Celia’s sister has sent them for Christmas, and she has sent one for me as well. I thought it had got a dog on the front but Geraint went, No, it’s supposed to be a reindeer.

  Geraint has Customise his jumper by making big holes in it and ripping the sleeves off and wearing a check shirt underneath.

  Uncle Horace has Customise his jumper as well by spilling egg all down it so only Aunty Celia has got a picture on hers. That looks like a dog too.

  When I go back in after telling Robert Crumb he is a terrible singer and to clear off, Aunty Celia is looking out of the window. Robert Crumb has not gone away, he is swinging on our gate. She says, Oh dear, poor, poor boy. Do you think he’s an orphan of the Parish? Should we invite him in to play, Enid?

  And I go, No chance, he only lives two doors down and he is a little tyke and a cur!

  Aunty Celia goes, That’s not very charitable, is it, now? What would Jesus do?

  Then my dad comes in from the kitchen and sticks his head under the nets and goes, Robert Crumb get off that bloody gate before I brain you! Sorry, Ceel, did you want a top-up? And she forgets all about Robert Crumb and goes, Oh Lovely, Carlo. Do you need a hand in the kitchen while Horace has his little snooze? I’m really quite an accomplished cook!

  Uncle Horace is wearing my Spy disguise to disguise him being asleep but it is obvious because behind it he is snoring and a bit of dribble is hanging off his mouth. Geraint gives me the sign language of creased-up face which means: I Am So Ashamed of My Family, and then he goes, Enid?

  I go, Ye-es, all suspicious,

  You don’t want that badge do you?

  And I go, What badge?

  And he goes, That SPY one.

  And I go, What, this one with SPY on it? and I hold it up and study it with my magnifying glass.

  And he goes, That one, yes – only really quiet like he is going to lose his temper any second which is fine by me. But then I remember it is Christmas and my mother always says you must have Peace and Good Will to All Men even if he is your Nemesis and Waste of Space, and I don’t want the stupid badge anyway so I say, Well, I might. That all depends.

  And he goes, I’ll trade you if you really don’t want it. How about this one?

  He is pointing at his Customise jumper with the badge on it of the Sexy Pistols who are my new favourite pop group in the whole world. And I have a think a minute to keep him in suspense and then I spit on my hand and hold it out for a shake and I go,

  Deal!

  Geraint, son of Erbin

  a synopsis

  Gwenhyfar is riding to join Arthur in a hunt near Caerllion ar Wysg when she sees Geraint son of Erbin, heading there too. Travelling together they meet a huge knight, riding with a dwarf and a young woman. Gwenhyfar’s maid asks the dwarf who the knight is, but he hits her across the face with his whip. The same thing happens with Geraint. Determined to avenge the insult, Geraint seeks armour in the next town (now called Caerdydd).

  Arriving at the castle he sees next to it a dilapidated hall. In the hall are an elderly couple in shabby silks and their beautiful daughter, in worn-out clothes. They take Geraint in and explain how they lost their wealth to a nephew who now rules the castle. He also discovers there is a jousting tournament the next day, and that the knight he is pursuing has come to defend his title. The elderly man offers him armour, and Geraint asks if he can fight for the love of their daughter. They agree and Geraint triumphs. He sends the injured knight, Edern, son of Nudd, to Arthur’s court to beg forgiveness from Gwenhyfar.

  The Earl of the castle agrees to repay the elderly man, Earl Ynywl, all he has lost. They bring him food and clothing, but Geraint asks that their daughter stay in her old smock until they reach Arthur’s court where Gwenhyfar can dress her.

  Edern arrives at court, is forgiven and tended. The next day Geraint arrives with Earl Ynywl’s daughter, Enid. They are welcomed; Gwenhyfar dresses Enid and Arthur gives her to Geraint. Enid becomes very popular at court while Geraint thrives on his love of hard combat.

  After several years Geraint hears that his father is ailing and enemies are threatening his kingdom in Cornwall. Geraint reluctantly returns to defend his lands across the Hafren, but continues to fight in tournaments until his fame spreads. Having achieved this, Geraint begins to stay with Enid until there is nothing he would rather do than be alone in their chamber with her. Eventually Geraint’s nobles and court start to resent this. Erbin tells Enid this and she is distressed that Geraint should lose his fame because of her. Waking, Geraint hears her tears but thinks that she wants him to go and fight because she loves someone else.

  He takes his horse and armour, leaves the court, and makes Enid ride in front of him. He tells her not to turn back whatever happens. He also forbids her to speak unless he speaks to her. They travel on wild roads and three times Enid overhears knights plotting to attack them. Each time she warns Geraint. He is angry with her for speaking and refuses to believe she is concerned about him. He kills the knights and orders Enid to continue as before, threatening to punish her if she speaks. She promises to do her best to obey him. T
hey spend the night in the forest, but Enid speaks to Geraint again when he wakes.

  The next day they are given lodgings in a town. The Earl of the house begs Enid to stay with him, but she refuses and, waking Geraint, warns him they must leave. They are pursued by a host of knights but Enid sees them coming and warns Geraint again. He is furious that she will not hold her tongue. Geraint fells eighty knights, and they carry on until they come to a valley where Geraint fights a knight named Y Brenin Bychan. Defeating him he makes him swear loyalty. The knight agrees and asks Geraint to stay and be healed, but Geraint refuses and they go on until they meet with Arthur’s hunt. Arthur insists Geraint stays for treatment, while Enid is tended by Gwenhyfar. But as soon as he is fit, Geraint continues his journey, with Enid ahead of him as before.

  They meet a lady crying over a dead knight who was attacked by three giants. Geraint pursues the giants and kills them but is wounded. When he returns, he collapses. They are rescued by an Earl who takes Geraint to his court on a stretcher. The earl wants Enid to stay with him if Geraint dies, and when she refuses him he hits her. Hearing her scream, Geraint comes to, and kills the earl. He looks at Enid and is sorry, realising she has been in the right.

  They leave on the same horse and meet Y Brenin Bychan who finds them shelter until Geraint is healed. Then they travel on, Enid happy and content, until they come to a fork in the road. One road leads to a hedge of mist and enchanted games. Geraint enters the mist, although no one has ever come out alive. Once inside he is challenged by a knight, whom he defeats. The knight agrees to lift the mist and enchantment and Geraint returns, much to Enid’s relief. Everyone is reconciled and Geraint and Enid go back to their kingdom which Geraint rules bravely and successfully, and where there is admiration for him and Enid evermore.

  Synopsis by Penny Thomas

  for the full story see The Mabinogion, A New Translation