Lovefool (Introduction)

by Amalia Angellinni

#82BITTER SWEET SYMPHONY

  After school, Mia returned to her apartment and changed her clothes. She was so annoyed. The morning was horrible. At first, she had to apologise for her absence in the last days. She said, she forgot an excuse written by her grandmother. She should bring it the next day. Then she was in fact excused for failing homework, but her tutor criticized her for not getting in contact with anyone of the class to learn what she had missed.

  She apologised politely. During the breaks, everyone was so loud and wanted to know where she was, but she just excused herself with her headache. Justyna wanted her advice in a love matter and Mia asked politely whether this could wait until the end of the school day. Justyna didn't appreciate this temporal refusal. Then one of the boys spoke to her, but she was deep in thoughts and didn't notice what he wanted from her. Mia was trying to figure out what was wrong with her apartment. She still couldn't find an answer and even worse: she couldn't find any trace. In addition, outside started to rain. The sky looked worryingly dark. It was depressive to be alone for so many days. It was so irksome not to be stroked by Julian, not to be looking at him and not talking to him. The world seemed to be an empty place without him. If it would only be Friday, Mia would start to enjoy waiting to meet him. She wasn’t so far now. Here and now, Mia felt an increasing distance between a world with and without him. She was losing herself and felt like falling deeper and deeper into a scary place. Fears and doubts surfaced on her sea of thoughts and dominated the happiness, she had experienced during the last days. Mia’s mind kept repeating that Julian wouldn't come back. He was so extraordinary and she was only human. Julian had powers, she could only dream of, and Mia was weak and complicated.

  Overwhelmed by such thoughts Mia wasn’t able to set her mind and heart free. She was a slave of her disbeliefs. She was a slave of this world without Julian. She desperately needed something to distract her from her voice within. It was hard to concentrate on what the teachers were talking about and in fact, schoolbooks were not as fascinating as Julian’s stories. Nothing could compare with his experience and knowledge. Nothing could be more interesting to learn or to analyse. Automatically, Mia compared everything to Julian. How could this human world be better than the world of Julian’s family?

  Mia noticed that the lessons were over. Justyna was already nudging her impatiently. Already after maths class, Justyna had come to her with a new friendly smile. Now, Justyna wasn't smiling anymore. When she finally got Mia's attention, Justyna asked her for some advice in love matters. Mia nodded quickly, and Justyna explained her situation very detailed. There was a boy, who was one year older, and wanted to date her, but somehow he didn't admit it clearly and Justyna didn't know what to do. Mia tried not to start crying. How ordinary could be this possible couple? Therefore, being in love doesn't depend on who you are. The strength of emotions is always unique and hard to estimate. So, Mia forced herself to focus and ask some questions:

  -Did you speak with him already? – Mia asked.

  -No, of course not!

  -So how do you know that he wants to date you? – Mia doubted.

  They were standing outside in the school yard in little puddles because of the rain. Mia thought about the strength of her feeling to Julian and Justyna’s first admiration and it was like heaven and earth. Mia was miles away and her classmate's problem seemed to be so small. Mia tried to focus on the basic level of Justyna's problem and to put Julian aside. Not everyone gets the opportunity to find the love of his life just like that. Some people had to wait and make some more experiences to find what they were looking for.

  -I already told you that he was obviously smiling at me and then I got a message from Anna from our parallel class that he wants to date me. What am I supposed to do?

  -It’s strange. Wait until he asks you about it personally or ask him yourself. If he has not enough courage to ask you directly, forget it.

  Justyna wanted to discuss about it more, but Mia shook her head, said politely “Bye” and went away. Somehow, she wasn't able to help solving such problems, because to her it wasn't a problem at all, not even the beginning of a problem. Finally, Mia got home. She changed her clothes and dressed into her sport clothes. She had to go out and run. She had too much energy and she needed to get rid of it. She had to think and she wasn't able to stay here in this apartment. This wasn't her home; it wasn't a place she would ever miss. She started to run and didn't care where she was running.

  Mia felt the dampness in the fresh air as well as the pressure of her thoughts. She was overwhelmed by her doubts and the love she felt got more and more in the background of her sudden worries. Her internal trepidation was increasing and pushing all her positive emotions aside. She was unsettled and running didn't help much. She came to Lazienki Park and ran, ran, and ran. She didn't see anything around her. She didn't focus on what was around, she was only looking at the way. She started to doubt, again. All that was left of the last few days, even of this morning turned into a question. The only thing she was sure about was that she loved Julian unconditionally. Not all the other feelings were clear in her mind.

  As she was running, she heard someone calling her name.

  -Mia! Anna! Mia!

  She stopped and looked around. She was shocked. Mia was surprised that she was so inattentive. In fact, she really couldn't focus. It was too much for her mind. Sebastian was coming from Jurij Gagarin Street. He was wearing sport clothes and jogged into towards her. She was irritated and happy at the same time. Somehow he was the only person, she didn't want to see right now, but when she saw him, she was happy about it.

  Therefore, Mia was confused. This day was a disaster. It was even worse. The last thing she wanted right now was to run with someone through the park. She wanted to run, but alone. At the same time, she wasn't able to send him away. She missed him. He was the only normal person she knew and now she needed something as normal as possible. After all, he was her friend. He wasn't only a person to lean on, but also a person making leaning unnecessary.

  -Mia, hello! – Sebastian greeted her enthusiastically.

  -Hello. –She answered, but her voice wasn't as passionately as his voice was.

  -I have not seen you for ages! Where have you been?

  Mia remembered how long ago they met for the last time and was quite shocked how quickly time passed by.

  -I had some things to do, and it was very chaotic. I am sorry that I couldn't contact you.

  For Sebastian it was already forgotten, he smiled brightly and energetically. He was very, very pleased to see her. She was looking great, even if she was mixed up. He already knew she didn't talk a lot, and he wasn't surprised to be running with her without talking. She was fast, and she didn't seem to be tired at all.

  Mia ran as if she was running away from something. It was his impression. She was focussed, but at the same time, she was puzzled. He observed her and she wasn't aware of him. She was just running. He had to try hard to keep up with her. Mia was really fast. It wasn't his speed, but he tried to keep up. The first sweat drops showed on his forehead. After the third round, he couldn't run anymore. He slowed down and fell into a walk. She didn't notice it, either. Only after a long while, she turned around and saw him many meters away. She sighed and ran back to him.

  -Are you OK? – She asked concerned.

  -Mia, you are simply too fast for me. I don't have so much energy like you do. – He admitted still breathing heavily. She didn't even seem to be tired. She was breathing shorter than normally, but still regularly.

  -But how are you, really? You look messy. – Sebastian looked at her interested.

  She was even more confused now. Was it so obvious? Mia wondered how bad she was keeping up her mask. During the last years, it was so much easier. Now everything became much more complicated than before. Before, she used to be on the run and she knew that the occurrences of her childhood would keep haunting her. It seemed to be very obvious situation. The status quo didn't ch
ange, because there were no new people involved. There was Mia and her grandmother and Aunt Renata. There was a man, a stranger, who was the cause of this drama. Nobody else stepped into this collection of souls.

  Mia knew that status quo had changed. Maybe that was why she was so confused. She knew that the well-known battleground changed and now she had to handle this new situation. This was the reason why she was so scared. She wasn't able to plan anything.

  -I? Messy? – She tried to overplay the real state of her heart and surprisingly it worked out. Sebastian doubted his first impression. – I just wanted to run.

  Mia even managed to smile. Sebastian was happy with it. She seemed to be OK and not much different than he knew her so far. She was smiling and it was already a reward for him.

  She was even looking happy for a moment. She had something in her eyes, showing her happiness. However, this happiness was just to find in her eyes. Nowhere else. Her face didn't vary, the smile wasn't brighter, and her posture didn't change. She was looking over Sebastian's shoulder and he automatically turned around to see what she was looking at. Then he felt her gaze back at him, so he looked back at Mia. Sebastian didn't recognize anything out there. Nevertheless, her eyes were still shining.

  -So, do we continue to run together as we used to? – Sebastian asked with enough hope to bring her back onto the earth and the light in her eyes was gone. She was polite again. Her happiness was hidden under a calm surface.

  -Sorry? – She asked, because she didn't pay attention to what he said.

  -Do we continue to run together as we used to? – He repeated confused. Mia didn't see what was around her. For the first time he started wondering about this fact. She was different. She was happier. She was smiling.

  -Ok. – She said automatically without thinking over it seriously.

  She was looking for something between trees and it caught all her attention. Every now and then she tried to look at Sebastian, but she wasn't really present. She was relieved, but on the other hand, she was insecure as well. Every emotion was showing on her face, and in the corner of her mouth a smile was waiting. Her eyes sparkled like he had never seen it before. Her cheeks were a little bit red, but it could have also been caused by the running. She was looking gorgeous and elegant although she wore sport clothes. Her hair was flying in the wind and her curls drew a veil over her face. Sebastian wasn't sure whether it was real what he saw. She was different. She was much more human than until now.

  Human was the word, which came to his mind first. Of course, she was a human being. Of course, she had human features, but now she was full of emotions and they came out of her and he could feel them. Until now, she was distant, even when she was smiling or laughing. She was more open and so less controlled now and he liked it much.

  -So I heard that you’re alone this week. Do you feel alone?

  Mia mumbled something and then she looked back at Sebastian. She had no clue what he was talking about.

  -OK, forget it. – He laughed an artificial laugh. –But if you need anything, I am there for you, as I am now here for you.

  -Yes, OK. – She looked at him and smiled. She never had such a great smile like now.

  He looked around once again when she didn't notice it, but he didn't see anything. There was nothing that seemed to be interesting or well known. There was no person, nothing happening, nothing suspicious or extraordinary, which he could see. He wondered why Mia was so excited, but the most important fact for him was that she seemed to be happy. Encouraged by her good mood Sebastian pulled himself together and raised a question.

  -I will walk you home, if you don’t mind. – He expected a positive answer.

  Mia looked at him carefully, now she was all here, with him, and she kept on smiling.

  Sebastian felt her negative response. She made a step towards him and Sebastian wanted to see how far she would go. Still, she wasn't ready to let him any closer much. She needed time.

  Sebastian laughed and tried to hide his disappointment. He had been hoping for more. At least she promised to run with him again. He was convinced that it wasn't about running. She apparently liked him a lot, if she let him so close. Mia never mentioned her friends, and she barely mentioned her family. She only talked about books or history. She was mysterious and attractive. Mia was independent. She was the one who decided how much he should know about her. Sebastian had to spend more time with her to tame her. It was just a matter of time. It was his way of reacting in the case ‘Mia’. She had to have a feeling of being safe, he had to give her the feeling that she was the one driving the direction of their relationship. But in reality it was him.

  Mia said quickly goodbye and then she ran into the direction of the river Wisla. She had something determined.

  Now she was like the wind. Mia ran and she was pretty fast. She was like a subtle, faint gazelle on African savannah. It was a pleasure to look at such a virtuous dynamism and grace. Sebastian missed her already now. At the same time, Mia passed the last trees and came to the river bank. She was looking around. She stood there alone. There were no people, no dogs, nothing. There was just a rumour of cars crossing the Lazienkowski Bridge. She looked for something with hopes, she looked for something she had seen before. Her heart was beating fast and with joy. It was a short moment of happiness. She knew what she saw and it fulfilled her with enormous happiness. In this moment, happiness meant knowing what to expect. Therefore, she could fight for her feelings, even if Julian’s family should be against her. She would sacrifice her entire soul to feel what she was feeling right now: pure joy, pure thrill of her joyful heart.

  The person she was expecting approached from the direction of the bridge. Julian was coming. He made quick steps into her direction. He was smiling shyly, but sovereign. He was focused to see into her eyes, to read her soul, even if she was so far away. The nearer he came, the slower he got. The smaller the distance between them was the more good vibrations were in the air like snowflakes during a cold winter day.

  Mia stood without moving and waited. Even her breath held itself in her lungs. She smiled back. She waited and enjoyed the joyful happiness that grew with every step he made into her direction. He was just a few steps away from her and Mia could feel him already. Her heart was beating so rapidly that she thought it would jump out of her chest any moment. Julian was excited as well. If he had a heart, it would beat so loud that Mia would hear it even when he was still under the bridge.

  -How did you know that I am here? – Julian was surprised.

  -I saw you between the trees in the park and I knew you wouldn't show yourself among people. I just knew it. But how did you find me? – Mia was surprised, too.

  -Did you already forget that I read minds? I saw you in Sebastian’s thoughts. I was here as you started running. After a while, Sebastian appeared and I just stepped back. – Julian explained and smiled even brighter. He touched her cheek and stroked it twice.

  Mia was very pleased about it. This was Julian, the one she loved. This was Julian, the one she had been missing all day long. His absence caused her lapse of concentration, bad mood and mad her want to speed up the time. Only now, Mia noticed that she had been counting the minutes and seconds without him. A day without him was a lost day. How did she live before she met him?

  Then he kissed her. It wasn't only a kiss on her cheek. It was a passionate, almost fanatical kiss. He never kissed her this way before. It was a fire, burning up to heaven. It was a storm, overflowing the highest rocks at the coast. It was a free fall from an aeroplane. It was like walking on the moon and the sun at the same time.

  Mia let herself fall. Mia jumped. She started to play with his hair and his hands were discovering her back. The sun was already going down and they were standing there, captured in a moment like in a fairy tale. It could have lasted forever.

  -Would you mind going for a walk. – He suggested looking into her eyes.

  -If we will go to the end of the rainbow. �
�� She answered.

  He hugged her even tighter and Mia almost lost her breathe. He couldn't hold her closer right now. Mia was trembling.

  -Are you cold?

  -A little bit.

  It was already fresh outside and because they were standing at the river, it was even colder. Mia was only wearing her sport clothes.

  -OK, it’s not a problem.

  Before she even could notice, she was already in his arms and they were on the way. Mia had no clue where they were going. After a short moment, they were on a street with jobs offering the best and well-known labels. Mia had never cared about brands. She had some clothes, she liked, and they were simple and inconspicuous. She didn't care if people were talking about her style, because the most important thing for her was to melt into the background. If you don’t want to attract attention, you don’t wear clothes that attract the looks of others or cause jealousy. You just take something comfortable and simple. That was her fashion secret. Now, she was walking embraced by Julian and he was leading her to a boutique, which she had never seen before.

  They entered and the sales clerks were watching them attentively. They were visibly pleased by seeing Julian who was wearing fashionable clothes as if he would be a model coming from a Paris fashion show. He was perfectly styled and the girl next to him was just a sporty girl, without makeup. She was so ordinary next to this boy that it was a difference like day and night or water and fire.

  Mia wondered what Julian was planning, and she felt embarrassed. She didn't like to attract attention and avoided such situations it as much as possible and now Julian was leading her here, through this boutique. She felt naked and lost, because she had never been into an expensive shop like this, but at the same time she could go everywhere with Julian by her side. It was like a fairy tale to see all these gorgeous creations here. However, she wasn't interested to wear such fancy clothes. She wouldn't feel comfortable in them. Nevertheless, Julian watched her very attentively, even more than the sales ladies. He noticed her admiration for fashion, but he wasn't sure about her reactions.

  Mia could wear anything and she would look gorgeous. She had a good taste and liked art. However, she was definitely not looking for attention. She tried to stay in a shadow. She walked proudly and straight, but she didn't want to catch everyone’s eyes.

  -And how do you like it?

  Julian pointed at a tunica. It was green and had no glimmer. At the same time, it had a nice cut and was glamorous. It would perfectly match her eyes.

  -Julian, it looks stunning – she whispered to him – but it’s not my thing. Would you mind to go somewhere else, please?

  -Anything you want. - He said.

  Mia laughed quietly. Then, he took her into a normal H&M, but she wasn't happy, either.

  -Julian, I don’t want you to buy me clothes. I have enough sweaters and jackets in my apartment. – She said.

  -Mia, you won’t go back to your apartment. – He said with pressure in his voice.

  She was surprised.

  -How come?

  -I don’t want you to stay in this apartment. – Julian was very serious. She had never seen him so serious before. - You’re too important to me. I love you and I want to take care of you. I have to do what is in your best interest.

  Julian smiled and his face lost the pure seriousness. Instead, he was looking lovely and warm again.

  -I am selfish. I cannot let you out of my eyes for even a moment. Please, let me be by your side.

  This idea was very tempting, but Mia had to think about Jonas. In such a moment, an intrusive thought about Jonas ruined almost everything. Her smile was gone and she wasn't ready to negotiate. Julian noticed her doubts and took it with coolness. He didn’t expect a spontaneous positive reaction. Poland was Catholic and she had to follow her rules. It was obvious. He completely understood it. But Mia had to take care of her. She should not stay in an apartment observed by cameras; she should not stay in a house, which was no house. It was less personal than a hotel room. It was inhuman to live there alone. This apartment had bad energy and Julian felt it with all his senses.

  -There are two alternatives, Mia. – said Julian decisively, and Mia sensed that the there was definitely no room for a third option. Julian already had a plan and it was impossible to change his mind.

  -The first option is that you will live with me. The problem is that you have to go to school, you aren’t allowed to drive a car and to travel to school more than an hour every day is inhuman. However, if you would like to I am open and ready to take you to school every day. It is no problem for me. I would like to do it.

  Julian knew that she wouldn't accept it. He felt it, because of her former reactions.

  -The second alternative is that you stay here, in Warsaw. I already talked with Sebastian and he agreed to take you for two weeks as a guest. I told him that I met you in the street and you told me that your family is going away for two weeks and that you are not so happy to stay alone. Sebastian thinks that he knows you better and that is why he suggested that you could stay with him for this time. When you would like to, you can stay there even tonight. However, you have to call and ask him. He was expecting this proposal when he was running with you. He thinks that you are so mixed up because of this situation.

  -Was it really Sebastian’s idea? – Mia doubted with a shy smile.

  Julian smiled back and she already knew the answer. She had no chance to drift away from this plan.

  -Where is the difference in staying with you or with Sebastian?

  Julian smiled even brighter. She was in love, and at the same time, she could still think rationally. She wasn’t blended. Her love was pure and unconditional, but not blind. Mia tried not to shake her head. She couldn't simply believe it. Julian seemed not to give her answers.

  -Julian, I am very pleased about your protection. I love you, but I don't want you to change everything in my life.

  She was afraid. She was really scared. This wasn't going in a good direction now. Julian didn't know Jonas and that was the reason why he reacted the way he reacted. If it would be so easy, she wouldn't take long to think about it. However, it was much more complicated. Here, in Warsaw, she was standing on the ground of facts and here she could feel her doubts around every corner. Moreover, she couldn't allow giving away the control over the situation. They were standing in a street and the lamps were already switched on. It was early evening and people passed them by in a hurry. It wasn't the best place for such conversation. She felt herself pushed into a corner and she wanted to escape. She couldn't tell him the truth. A voice within forced her to keep Jonas a secret.

  -I don’t know how I should convince you. – Julian said sadly after a while. – But I don’t want you to be hurt by anyone. In addition, I have to keep an eye on you. Maybe it comes as a surprise for you and you see me as overprotective now. Please, understand that it is very important for me to see you're safe. Mia, if you care about me, please chose one of these options. I promise I will not ask anything else about you. You know enough about me to trust me. Please, please, trust me, Mia.

  She understood his reasoning and saw his worries about her decision written into his face. She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want to make him suffer. If she were he, she would do the same. At least she supposed that she would act the same way. She couldn't blame him. She couldn't send him away. All her life she used to be alone. All her life she had to be strong. Julian was able to take some of her responsibility away from her shoulders, if she only would allow it. Mia was so tired of being strong. She wanted to rest. She wanted to be happy and keep up her hopes. Even if Jonas should stay her nightmare for a while, Julian was the knight on a white horse who could save her from the dark. If tomorrow should never come, only this moment counted due to his care and her hope, rising from broken dreams.

  She nodded after a while and didn't look at him as she said:

  -But no more such surprises. No questions. No pressur
e.

  Mia had too much to lose. She wouldn't ever forgive herself, if somebody would be hurt just because she took the wrong decision. She wasn't happy about this decision. She could lose Julian with her doubtful attitude. On the other hand, maybe she could save him in this way. Her inner voice told her to stay still. Internally, Mia was divided. Her heart screamed at her to tell him about her fears, about her history, about her doomed fate. Her inner voice was fighting against it. Don’t do it! You’re not sure, anyway. Wait, Mia, wait!

  -So what do you prefer? – Julian asked relieved.

  Mia thought that it would be much easier for Julian to find out her secret, if she would live with him. That was reason enough to decide for the second alternative. Something inside her told her, it was the way she had to go. Even, if she would rather stay with Julian all the time. This was her wish, but it wasn't right according to her inner voice. She breathed slowly and was swatted. It wasn't easy. It wasn't pleasant. She hated herself right now.

  -I will stay with Sebastian.

  Julian took it better than she expected. She thought he would be disappointed that she didn't choose him. However, Julian was happy with it. Compared to the uncertainty about her living in this strange apartment, it was already an improvement. It was a small step into the right direction. It was better for him to see her through Sebastian’s eyes than not to see her at all. He knew she was hiding a secret, which she didn't want to share. It had to be something that would explain the cameras in her apartment and the fact that she was living alone. Nevertheless, she needed time and all, he could give her, was time and patience.

  Julian was partially afraid that she was scared of whom he was, and that was the reason why she didn't talk much about herself. He didn't mind to wait. He had been waiting for her for centuries and some years of getting to know her better were no problem. When she would be ready, she will entrust him anything he had to know about her.

  Then she pulled her mobile out and talked to Sebastian. As Julian had already foreseen, Sebastian was the happiest man alive in the moment Mia asked him whether she could stay in his house for some days. Julian observed her during this conversation and saw Sebastian’s joy in his heart.

  Sebastian hadn't expected that Mia would really contact him. Julian's story was interesting, but Sebastian didn't believe that she would ever call him for a favour. Now, she was indeed doing it. Of course, Sebastian was willing to help her. His apartment had three rooms and she could stay there as long as she wanted to. He was so glad that he would get to know her better and they would have more opportunities to talk and spend time together.

  Mia kept the conversation short made and she didn't look at Julian for the whole time.

  -Done. – She announced emotionless. She was overwhelmed by this situation and didn't know whether the internal voice was right and whether it was a good idea. She had doubted in her mind.

  Julian took her hand and started to walk. She followed without any resistance, but without any joy, either. They came into a mall. Her steps were heavier than before. She was carrying some internal weight and she wasn't as happy as before. She was confused. It was true. She chose some clothes and bought them with her own money and without trying them on.

  Then Julian took her to Sebastian's. They were standing around the corner, near to the park. Julian didn't want Sebastian to see them together, and Mia had the same wish. Instinctively, she wanted to stay alone. Her biggest wish was to turn back the time and spend another week with Julian in his home. She didn't want to stay with Sebastian right now. He was a cute, friendly boy, but he had this sparkle in his eyes that showed too much hope for being together. Mia wanted them to stay friends. She already found the love of her life and she wasn't able to hide it. For the first time in her life it was complicated to stay relaxed, because for the first time in her life she really loved someone.

  -Will we see us? – She asked worried.

  Julian touched her cheek and lips.

  -If you would like to... – He kissed her subtle on her forehead and at her nose.

  -You know that I don't agree with this 2-weeks-game. – She said quiet. – I can manage on my own.

  -I know. – He looked into her eyes.

  She was unsettled. He was sparkling the ideal harmony.

  -Julian, you have to promise me something. – Mia was serious.

  -What? – He was stroking her hair, but he was still focused on her eyes.

  -You will be always visible to me. I don't want you to follow me when you are invisible.

  Julian waited a moment before he answered:

  -I found it very amusing to run at your side, even if you didn't notice it. However, if you wish, I will always give you a sign that I am there.

  She was reassured. She could accept this answer. In addition, she was ready for a small talk with Sebastian. Before she went away, she looked Julian into the eyes and smiled shyly. He kissed her softly and then she turned around and went away. It was hard for her to turn around and start to walk.