Lovefool (Introduction)

by Amalia Angellinni

#83 DOWNTOWN

  She felt weird while laying in the bed this night. Firstly, she was in a strange bed in a strange room and in strange clothes. She wondered how Julian managed to tell this story to Sebastian, her stay alone for two weeks and whether Sebastian had asked more questions, for example why Julian knew about it. Did Sebastian know what was going on between her and Julian? Mia wished she had such power to read minds. Everything would be much easier then. At least reading Sebastian would be useful right now. Maybe he didn't know much, because he was quite outgoing. He was taking every chance to stay in contact with her. Moreover, all Mia needed, was to be left in peace. However, it would be very rude if she just came into Sebastian’s apartment and go directly to bed. Therefore, Mia helped to prepare a dinner and she was pleased to share the table with someone who was eating, too.

  He didn't have much in his fridge, but Mia wasn't hungry. Mia thought that to be lovelorn or having troubles is the best way for a sad and successful diet. She was really not in a mood to listen the needs of her body. There were simply too many emotions inside her and she wasn't able to eat. However, she managed to eat a sandwich with cream cheese and tomatoes and she drunk a cup of tea. Sebastian ate much more and although he was busy with his meal, he asked her questions and was pleased by her answers.

  Mia noticed that he bought a new cup. It was bigger than the others were and had a dancing cow on it. The cow wasn't only dancing, it also wore a shirt of bananas. This happy cow with the banana shirt was funny, and Mia even smiled about it. Where did he find something like this? He asked her when she had to get up for school and she said she would be out of house before 7.30 am. He had no problem with it. Sebastian even suggested driving her to school, but she preferred to go alone there. He asked what she liked to eat, but she answered very generally “anything”. She wasn't talkative.

  Apparently, Sebastian was convinced that she was really down and needed to rest and he didn't straddle the opportunities to talk. Finally, they had some days together to come and he could save his strength for next days.

  Mia could sleep. She was turning from left to right and back and sighed. Then, she felt something at her side. She felt a draft of air at her right shoulder. She didn't move for a while, because she was wondering whether it was real or not. Then, Mia felt it again. She was lying on her left side and her right shoulder wasn't covered with the blanket. Here, she felt a wave of air and she trembled.

  -Julian? – She whispered, but she didn't move.

  There was no answer, but she was almost sure, he was there.

  -Julian? – Mia repeated her question and waited.

  -Hush, hush, I am here. – Mia heard Julian’s voice. She trembled even more.

  -Where are you? I can’t see you. – She stayed calm and closed her eyes, because she wanted to concentrate herself on other senses, hoping she would hear or feel him.

  The air moved a little, but she wasn't sure where he was. It was like when you are on a street and hear a hooter and you don’t know form which direction it was coming from.

  -Julian, don’t do it to me. Where are you?

  -Open your eyes, Mia.

  She did what he said to her and he was right in front of her. His face was very close to her face and Mia saw herself in his eyes.

  -What are you doing here? – She was surprised, but she was quiet.

  -I was watching you during the dinner and afterwards. I couldn't leave you alone in this mood.

  She smiled a little. His presence helped her to relax. He was her air to breath, her sun to look at and her everything.

  -Did I look so bad?

  -No, you looked tired. And you are tired.

  He kissed her cheek and within a second, he was already sitting behind her. She turned to him and laid her head at his chest. He pretended to breathe like he simulated it over centuries. It was a reflex. Mia’s head was going slowly up and down. Therefore, she felt his fake breath. The air was missing, but it was quite fascinating and sedative.

  -Try to fall asleep. I am here. – He said and started to stroke her hair and her arms.

  She didn't answer, but she was visibly relieved that he indeed was there. Mia finally could fall asleep. When she woke up the following morning, Julian was gone. At least she couldn't see him. She stood up and looked around. She didn't care about the room decoration the day before, because she was too messed up inside. Today she had to admit that this room was similar to the rest of Sebastian's apartment: plain and classy, but cosy as well. It was different to Julian's style. Julian possessed a lot of old furniture and two great paintings, Sebastian's house was decorated in a rather modern style: from modern and fancy furniture up to flower vases and some fresh sculptures. He preferred open rooms and he didn't have much of bric-à-brac. He liked Africa. You could see it in his house. Sculptures showed African women in their native clothes. Most of the sculptures were wooden, but they had their own, vivid colours. Mia planned to buy him a sculpture of an elephant with a trunk over its head. It was supposed to bring luck. It would be a nice present to thank him for his help.

  Then, there were some photos of Sebastian and his friends, but they weren’t visible at first sight. Sebastian was always brightly smiling and his friends were in a great mood as well. She liked particularly one photo. It showed Sebastian on a beach, hugging three girls next to him. They wore bikinis and Sebastian wore only dark pants. He was looking very handsome. He was tanned and happy. Apparently they were moving too fast, because this photo wasn't so sharp, but Mia was impressed how good and happy Sebastian was looking on it.

  She got dressed quickly and she noticed that Sebastian was apparently still sleeping. She took her bag and went very quietly into the kitchen. On the table, she found the second key and left his apartment.

  The day in school was boring. She was bored. Today she wasn't carrying many emotions and thoughts in her head. She was quite relaxed. It was weird, but it was relieving. It was exhausting to think about all that was happening to her and she hadn't enough power to keep on going. She needed to calm down and to let reality happen. Control freaks don’t have an easy life.

  Finally, she had her two weeks of calmness: not because she was living with Sebastian or because of being sure that Julian was always near. When Julian was there, nothing bad could happen. That was the most important fact right now. Mia should be happy and enjoy it. She became aware of it this morning while brushing her teeth in the bathroom. It was ridiculous. The best ideas come to your mind when you don’t expect them.

  Therefore, she felt easy and to some degree unconcerned. She didn't have to force herself to be focused to the maximum, because officially there was no danger waiting for her, not before two weeks at least. She was in safe hands. She was somehow relaxed. For the first time she felt normal and secure. Her experience seemed to be only a bad story and Jonas was only a bad wolf from a fairy tale. There was nothing to be scared of. There was nothing to worry about.

  Mia smiled to herself. If it were possible to keep this state of mind, she would give everything for it.

  The lessons were not so interesting as they could be. In history class, they spoke about Germany’s divided princedoms in the 19th century and Bismarck who wanted to unite them under Prussian leadership. In Polish class, they had to discuss whether Honore Balzac was a good or rather an average writer. Mia tried to stay away from these discussions. She had her opinion of course, but she preferred to observe her classmates arguing vividly. This class was a dream for every teacher. The pupils always made their homework and they enjoyed learning new things. It was unbelievable to feel this enthusiasm for learning and discovering something new. Maybe it was caused by their teachers who tried to motivate them, repeating that everybody is learning for his own interest.

  Justyna was one of the best pupils and she argued with great fire. However, other disputants didn't make her task easy. It was interesting to see how Mia’s classmates became lions defending their states of mind. Mia was too emot
ionally unsettled and at the same time too calm to participate in it. She had to fight every day and it was a nice just to sit down and do nothing. It was a nice change and a moment of rest.

  When the school day was over she left the school.

  -I don’t know, which drugs you take, but I want to get them, too. – Mia heard when she was walking through the school park. She turned around and there was Julian. He was smiling brightly and happily. Mia smiled back brightly. His spontaneous appearance was overwhelming like milk and honey. Julian hugged her and even turned around twice with her before putting her on the ground again.

  Mia laughed. She was happy and it couldn't be better. Julian took her by the hand and guided her into the city. They were walking down the streets, talking like any other normal couple. He asked what kind of music she liked and she answered elaborately. She mentioned Linkin Park, Robbie Williams, Frank Sinatra and Aretha Franklin in one breathe. Then they were arguing if she had the worst taste in the world. It was funny.

  -Everyone loves Robbie, so I expected you would be different in this point. He’s too old for you!

  -I like his music very much; I don’t know him personally to judge what kind of man he is.

  -Would you like to meet him? – Julian asked and Mia wasn't sure whether it was a serious question.

  -Why not? – She said and smiled.

  -Oh no, Mia, I already told you that he’s too old for you. You can be a fan of his music, but nothing else.

  -Are you jealous? - She laughed.

  -No, I am not. He’s not as good looking as I am. – Julian answered self-confident and laughed too.

  -But he can sing better!

  -How do you know it?

  -I already heard you singing and it wasn't as good as Robbie. Still, I liked it anyway. For me you could sing to me every day, anything, while I’m going to sleep.

  -Yeah, right, Linking Park as a lullaby. I’ll try it tonight.

  They were amused and kept talking about such unimportant things like the best musician of the year. Then they came to the place where they said good-bye yesterday: around the corner of Sebastian’s apartment.

  Mia didn't ask why Julian didn't want to tell Sebastian about them being a couple, but she accepted it. It wouldn't be very helpful for this situation. Julian kissed her and then he was gone. He even didn't mention whether he intended drop in later. Mia supposed he would. She tried to follow him with her eyes, but he was too fast and she lost him between the trees. Then she turned around and went down the street.

  When Mia came into the Sebastian’s apartment, she was sure that she was alone. It was already early evening and she was alone there. She called Sebastian’s name a couple of times aloud and nobody answered. She changed clothes and went running. This time there was no one, running with her. In the park, some people were sitting on the benches and talking. The weather was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was warm.

  Mia breathed in deeply, the air smelled of chestnuts, the only thing she was focussed on right now. She had her iPod with her. She listened to “Downtown” by Petula Clark and then the concert of Robbie Williams Live at the Albert Hall 2001 started with "Have You Met Miss Jones". Mia was running and running and she didn't seem to get tired. For the first time, she didn't have any thought in her head and she was as relaxed as she never was before. It was the silence before the storm. Suddenly she had the tune of “Enjoy the silence” in her head. She wondered how she got this song into her head. It just appeared. She wasn't aware that she was gone already for over two hours, when she left Sebastian’s apartment. He was already home, welcomed her with a hug and invited to his kitchen.

  -You’re surely hungry. – He said. – Would you like to cook something with me or do we eat traditional sandwiches?

  Sebastian was smiling. She smiled back and mentioned that she has to take a shower and change clothes, but then they could of course cook something. When she came into the kitchen smelling like a peach and jasmine, wearing jeans and a nice top, she was looking amazing. She didn't realize that she was really looking gorgeous. She was barefoot, her hair was tied together, but some wet curls were glued to her neck.

  -So, what do we want to cook? – Mia asked.

  -Anything, you can choose anything.

  Mia smiled.

  -I don’t know. What do we have?

  -I bought some stuff and you have a free choice.

  Mia opened the fridge and looked inside.

  -Wow, you even have yeast. So, pizza? It’s quite easy. And it is delicious.

  -If you would like.

  She took out the things they needed and put them on the table. There were tomatoes, salami, and some onions. He showed her where she could find the flour and took out a bowl from a cupboard. While she was kneading the mass of flour, water and yeast, his task was to put some more flour in the bowl. Instead, Sebastian caused a big cloud of flour and Mia was almost entirely white afterwards. They were laughing and had a lot of fun. When she finished preparing the mass for the base, she washed her hands and he took the flour from her.

  -You still have some flour at your face.

  -Where? – She asked surprised.

  Sebastian came closer and touched her cheek and with two or three strokes he had cleaned her face. It was quite surprisingly for her to feel his warm hands on her cheek. It was so different from Julian’s touch. Sebastian had warm hands. That was the biggest difference. Julian had no temperature: he adapted his temperature to the things he was in contact with. And Sebastian’s hands were rougher. Julian’s touch was delicate as if he would be touching a precious teensy-weensy pearl or something atomic and was scared to spoil it. Sebastian was subtle, too, but his touch was self-confident and secure.

  On the radio, Celine Dion was singing her song “My heart will go on” and Mia stood motionless, watching Sebastian. He didn't lose his self-confidence and held her look. Mia wondered whether Julian saw it the same way she was in this moment. It would be quite interesting to know how Julian was able to read minds and what exactly he was looking at right now. It was somehow strange to know that Julian could watch them. At the same time, it was fascinating. Mia wanted to ask him about it the next time they meet.

  -And what now? – Sebastian asked after a while and broke the silence.

  -We have to wait until the base grows a little and in the meantime, we can cut vegetables.

  Sebastian stepped back and brought a chopping board. Mia murmured the melody of the song and Sebastian was surprised. It was a new Mia. She was behaving as if they would be real friends and was feeling comfortable here. Sebastian was very glad about it. He was convinced that another shift of ice was broken and that they were becoming better friends. Then the song “They don’t really care about us” by Michael Jackson was playing and she mumbled it as well.

  -You know, I have a karaoke program and we can sing together. – He suggested.

  -Sebastian – she laughed – I can’t sing!

  -Of course you can and anyway, karaoke is not about how good you are, it’s about fun.

  She was cutting tomatoes and he went into the living room to prepare everything.

  -What do you like to sing?

  -Anything, I can’t sing at all so it doesn’t matter what you’ll play.

  She heard him laughing and after a minute, she heard the first tune from the karaoke machine. It was Michael Jackson’s “Bad”. Mia started to move to the rhythm while cutting vegetables. When the refrain came, she even sung “I’m bad, I’m bad”, but for the rest of the song she sung unclear. Sebastian came back into the kitchen with dancing steps and he swung like a winner. He even took her hand and forced her to turn round and she visibly liked it. Mia was extraordinary cool and open. She was another person. She was smooth and just adorable. Then Sebastian said something more seriously:

  -You know when I saw the video of Michael’s “Man In The Mirror” for the first time I was very proud to be a Pole. This was the first ti
me I consciously felt being Polish. There were the most important people in the short cuts, and among them Lech Walesa, and it made me being proud of my country. Now Jackson is dead and he is the man in the mirror. Quite strange, isn’t it?

  Mia saw he was serious.

  -I never was a fan of anyone, but I liked his music very much. He was a specific person and I think I will miss him.

  -I was at his concert and he rocked! Thousands of people were raving, swinging, dancing, and singing. It was amazing. I can’t describe it, but it was really overwhelming.

  -And how did you get to his concert?

  -Oh, it’s a funny story. I saw this video and wished I saw Michael live. I liked his music already earlier, my sister loved Michael, she wished to go to his concert, and I wanted it too. Fortunately, one day I won two tickets for his concert. I could only go with an adult person, because it was a concert abroad, in Germany. It was 1997, I was 12, and it was the “History” tour of Jackson. I asked my sister to go with me. She was so happy that she jumped and jumped like that – Sebastian started to jump around like a crazy person- and it took her days to calm down again.

  -So you have an older sister?

  -I had. – Sebastian said. – She had a car accident some years ago.

  Sebastian was sad remembering this and Mia instinctively came to him and hugged him tight.

  -You know – Sebastian continued after a while – it is strange. At a day like today I don’t think about it, I already accepted that she is gone forever, but sometimes I miss her much and I still have a hope that she will visit me like she used to. It’s ridiculous.

  Mia understood him completely.

  -It is not ridiculous.

  “Faint” by Linkin Park was in the background. Mia stepped back and looked at the pizza base. She formed it and put it out on the plate. While laying down the tomatoes and cucumbers, she started to talk quietly.

  -I know how you feel. I lost my family, too. My parents died in an accident and I still think about them. It was a pure bright cut in my life. From one moment to another, everything changed. I hoped to see them too, now I know it is impossible.

  Sebastian looked at her while she put the mushrooms on the base. She was focused and she didn't look sad. She was distant once again.

  -I thought your family is taking a vacation. – He wondered after a while.

  -My grandma is away. – Mia said ice-cold and was still calm.

  Sebastian was already disappointed about himself. He managed to get her to close down again when she had been so cool and open. He blamed himself for mentioning Michael Jackson and speaking about tragic things. But he was also glad that she was open and honest enough to tell him a part of her secret. It was a sign that she trusted him. He got up and helped her to put the plate into the oven. While waiting for the pizza, they were sitting in the living room and watched television. Sebastian turned off the karaoke machine, because they were not the right mood for it anymore.

  Mia was sitting on the couch and she had laid her cheek on her knees. She was thinking about something. Sebastian was just sitting there, thinking how to bring a new string of understanding between them. There was nothing worthwhile on TV. For that reason, he suggested to watch a DVD and Mia agreed even faster than it was needed. It seemed that it was unimportant for her what they would stare at, because she was busy with her own thoughts.

  Sebastian felt he was losing her. He even didn't put a DVD, because it didn't matter. He blamed himself even more and couldn't break free from this continuous loop. When the pizza was ready and he cut it into pieces and brought everything into the living room. She ate one piece and wasn't able to eat more. She was eating almost like a child or even less. It was amazing how she could live, when she eat so less. However, the pizza was great. Already the smell of the fresh backed base and the mushrooms was delicious. It promised a tasty meal, and it was. Everything was perfect: tomatoes, mushrooms... Crispy and juicy. It was an ideal combination.

  -We should prepare pizza more often. We could open up a pizzeria.

  Sebastian laughed and looked at her. Mia was back again. She smiled and let him convince her to eat another piece of the tasty meal. Then, they put all things away onto a small and modern glass table and just followed some stuff on television. Sebastian turned the sound off and let the radio play instead which was much better. Plain White T’s was playing and in this moment, she came closer to him and laid her head on his shoulder. Sebastian tried not to move so that she didn't have any reason to change her position.

  Her head wasn't heavy; it was rather cute ballast. The pressure of her body was less; she was so small and delicate that she almost didn't weight anything. Sebastian looked at her fine-boned arms and legs. Mia had a small frame, but Sebastian was impressed by her muscles. They were not visible, and she was looking great. Nevertheless, when she moved twice and strained her arms for a moment, he felt the strength hidden in her delicate body. He never saw her in this light. He thought how little he knew about her. She was opening herself to him with every moment spent at his side. Sebastian was waiting how many surprises she had in stock.

  While he was thinking about it, he didn't notice that she fell asleep and only when her hand felt loose on the couch, he was aware of it. He was surprised seeing her asleep. Apparently, she was very tired.. Then he looked at the clock, it was already midnight. He thought about what to do and decided to take her into her room and to lay her on the bed. He carefully stood up and took her cautiously up. She unconsciously embraced his neck and laid her head on his shoulder. Her touch was seductive.

  He brought her carefully into the room and laid her on the bed. He covered her with the blanket and went out. Before he left the room, he looked at her face in the light coming from the living room and for him she was his personal sleeping beauty. She was the girl he was in love with and she felt comfortable enough to stay here with him for a while. She didn't choose to stay at Julian’s house wherever it was, but she asked him to stay here. Sebastian was more than happy. When he closed the door, something moved in the room, but he didn’t notice it. Julian came to her and laid next to her. She mechanically turned to him and whispered something, which he couldn't understand.

  -What, my dear? – He asked, but she was sleeping and didn't hear him or at least she didn't understand him.

  This night she was unsettled. She moved every now and then and was talking something. Unfortunately, she it so unclear that it wasn't possible to understand what she was talking about. Then she started to tremble and said one sentence very clearly:

  -My time comes, leave me behind now.

  Julian looked at her and wanted to be sure that she was dreaming something. This sentence terrified him. He couldn't imagine leaving her. He couldn't imagine letting her go. He couldn't imagine her dying. It had to be a nightmare. Julian stroked her the whole night and only disappeared when she was waking up.