Holding On To Hope

by Mystique Roberts

  “What are you thinking about, huh?” Chase nudges me, bringing me out of my head and I lift my camera and snap a quick candid photo of him.

  “Oh nothing, just enjoying this night is all.” I laugh and look around reflecting on my surroundings and the people I am lucky enough to now call friends. It’s absolutely insane that I’m here. We are all filled with food, laughter and good music. Ariel is sitting next to me with Chase on my other side. As her and I are talking about my move, the boys are talking music. I don’t overlook Chase’s hand on my thigh as he talks. Even the smallest touch has butterflies erupting in my stomach.

  After a couple hours our group is dwindling as people head to their buses and the fire has dimmed to a soft glow from the remaining embers. My phone beeps, notifying me of the low battery and that it is nearly one in the morning. We leave in a few hours so, I say goodnight and head to my bus, declining Chase’s offer to walk with me. I wanted the few minutes to clear my head. After grabbing my shampoo, body wash and a change of clothes, I head to the showers. The hot water from the shower eases my tension and I allow the steam to fill the room as I recall the day. The concern on Chase’s face when I was lost in thoughts about my past was sincere. He always seems so warm and caring. I know he is passionate about his music, but I’m starting to think that although he has this rock star, hard ass persona, beneath all the rumors and his tough exterior, he really is a kind hearted soul. I know he had a rough patch with all the partying, but he seems to have really grown from what I can see. I didn’t know him prior to his wreck, but from what I’ve read and who I see now, there is a big difference.

  I finish rinsing my hair, lather up my loofa and let my mind wander as I wash. The thought of Chase puts butterflies in my stomach and a longing ache in my heart. I know I’m attracted to him, but it seems so much deeper than that. Although it’s scary, after running through the last couple weeks in my mind, I realize that this connection was there from the start. I was too heartbroken and blind to believe it. I really just thought he was being nice and welcoming since I was new. Part of me considered that he was just the typical guy interested in the mystery of the new girl, but my focus was on work and how happy I’ve been with this new adventure. For the last year my heart has been on strict lockdown and I told myself it’d stay that way as I started this new path. Somehow, he got through the wall I placed around it. Through all the sarcastic comments, relentless flirting and then tonight, the one, quick innocent kiss. It was so small, yet full of passion and I didn’t want it to end. I was just surprised and I didn’t know what to do. So, I just stared at him like an idiot, how embarrassing.

  “Stupid, Hope. That was really smooth.” I mutter to myself as I run my sudsy loofa over my body.

  I’ve been fighting this attraction since the day I met him and I can’t anymore. It’s more than physical to me. How he acts, his passion for his career, the way he interacts with his fans, there’s so much more to him than what he allows the public to see. He may be a player, he may break me all over again, this could be a huge risk. There are so many reasons I shouldn’t cross the line we’re teetering on, but the possibility of us working out nearly outweighs them all. I sigh as I rinse my body, conflicted on which move to make. Then again, this whole opportunity was a risk. I mean left home to work with musicians on a tour, with no one I know. Why not take another chance?

  After going back and forth for a little longer, I can no longer stand to wonder what if. I know if I don’t do this now I’ll chicken out and kick myself in the ass later. I’m done playing safe. What has playing it safe done for me? Nothing. So, I hop out of the shower, and quickly throw some clothes on. With my hair dripping and my body nowhere close to dry, I’m out the door. I take off to his bus, luckily most of the crowd from the fire has gone to bed, with only a few stragglers left. So I sneak behind the line of buses until I reach his, careful to not let anyone see me. Before I stop myself, I knock on his door, my heart about to beat out of my chest as I hear footsteps coming closer. When the door opens, Chase looks surprised.

  “Hope?”

  I give him a small smile and step up the stairs.

  “Is there anyone on the bus?” I ask quietly.

  “Just me. Why? Are you okay?” He asks with a puzzled expression.

  My only answer is the touch of my lips meeting his as I urge him inside. I take the leap, handing my heart over to him, sealing my fate with a single kiss.

  Chase:

  Shortly after Hope left, I headed to shower and got ready for bed. It’s been a long day, but it definitely ended on a high note. After the bike ride I knew something was bothering Hope, she mentioned being concerned with me during the ride, but I behind her eyes I saw something else.

  We never got the chance to talk about it, but I make a mental note to check on her tomorrow as I play tonight over in my head. Things changed at the bonfire, she was happy and carefree. Everyone was. I think we all needed to kick back for a bit and just relax. Nights like these are rare as most of us are worn out after being in the blazing sun all day, but everyone getting together to play by the fire with some good food is always a great time. I’m thankful to be given another chance in this career, but even more thankful for the people around me.

  I hear a faint knock on the door and grab my phone to check the time. It’s after one.

  “Who the hell?” I mumble and crawl out of my bed, throw on a pair of sweatpants and run to the door, flipping the light on as I go.

  “One second.” I say before opening the door.

  The only thing I have time to notice is her dark hair and wide eyes. Before I can say another word she leaps forward, placing her lips on mine. I pull her body closer and squeeze tight, placing my hand on the back of her head to deepen our kiss.

  “Hang on.” I whisper and her forehead creases as worry flashes through her eyes.

  I brush her cheek, “Don’t move, I just need to shut the door.”

  I smile and pull the door closed, the metal clinging with the force. After making sure to lock it I turn back to Hope.

  “Now, where were we?” I pull her body close and kiss her softly. Although, I’m shocked at Hope right now I lead her towards the back of the bus. This isn’t the guarded girl I’ve come to know, but I push those thoughts aside as I wrap my arms around her and feel the curves of her body beneath my fingertips.

  My stomach flips, I knew giving in and kissing her earlier was a risk that could change everything completely, but when she broke our embrace I saw the shock and concern on her face. She’s worried, I know it’s probably about what people think, but I don’t care. I want her.

  Her heart beats faster against my chest as my hand slides slowly up her side and under her shirt, touching her soft skin. I tug at the fabric, trying to peel the shirt from her damp skin. She gasps sharply as I free her from her top and goose bumps erupt on her skin. When she bites her lip as she slowly starts undoing her pants, I feel my own tighten at the sight of her half naked body. She tries to wiggle her hips, but the damp material sticks to her like a second skin. I chuckle as she struggles, hoping she didn’t notice.

  “Hey are you laughing at me?” She glances up with a smirk on her face, her eyes shining through her dark lashes. I can’t help but laugh louder when she stands up and places her hands on her hips. “Well, I’m sorry if stripping out of wet jeans isn’t as sexy in real life as it is portrayed in the movies, but I’ll gladly put them back on.” She looks so pissed off but it makes me want her more.

  Pulling her to me I make quick work of ridding her of her jeans. “The fact that you don’t try is what makes you sexy as hell,” I lean in and press my lips to her, excusing her of any response. I lean her against the bed as she pulls my shirt off. I yank off my sweats and push her down onto the bed as I hover over her. I smirk as I press my hard bulge into her and she moans quietly. Slowly I start kissing her neck, working my way down her chest and to the top of her red, lace thong. I pause for a second, then place my mouth lower and f
eel the heat through the thin fabric barrier, when I feel her grip tighten on my hair.

  She tugs again, urging me to lift my head, “Chase...wait.”

  chapter 9

  Hope:

  “I-” I stammer to get the words out. I don’t want him to think I’m some love-struck little girl, but I need to tell him where I stand. My heart is beating out of my chest and I cannot believe I had the guts to show up here and show him how I feel. Everything that has occurred over the last hour all of a sudden dawns on me and although I don’t regret anything, I am terrified this is going to change everything.

  “Look, Chase…” I am laying on his bed, in nothing but my lace underwear and his half naked body covering mine. I feel nervous, happy and sad all at once. I’m glad I stopped before we went further. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely wanted too, but I don’t want to move that fast. I’m still not quite sure what this is, nor are my emotions fully in check. I don’t want this to just be a hookup. So, I decide I need to tell him everything.

  I glance up and meet his eyes, concern is written all over his face. I'm embarrassed because I am an adult, it’s not like I haven’t had sex before, but this is just different.

  “I’m sorry, did I go too far? We can stop. I don’t want you to think you have to do this. I like you Hope, not doing this won’t change that.”

  I smile, and scoot myself to an upright position as he rolls to his side, and I take a deep breath before responding.

  “You know a few weeks ago when we were talking and you asked if I left a boyfriend back home?”

  He raises an eyebrow and nods, “Do you still have something back home, is that it?”

  “No! Not at all.” I say defensively. “I just...last year.” I sigh, I am not sure how to even tell this to him. I like Chase and I love the life I have, I just don’t know if bringing this up is right, but I have to be honest. “I’m sorry, I’m trying to find the right words. Chase I like you, I didn’t expect this at all when I took this job. To be honest although it’s the opportunity of a lifetime and I took it because it was everything I’ve ever wanted...I also had another reason. Last year, I was seeing this guy. We dated for about six months, actually...it ended around the same time of your accident weirdly enough. Damn this is weird to talk about, because I thought...well I thought he would be the person I was with. He was the first person I ever loved and he led me to believe he wanted everything I did and that he’d never hurt me. Then, he unexpectedly dumped me because ‘he wasn’t ready like he thought he was’. I was heartbroken, crushed, I didn’t feel like I’d ever find anyone I cared for like that again. So I vowed to myself to make my life everything I ever wanted for me. Then, after about nine months of working on myself, finishing school and doing a ton of research, I saw this job and applied. I knew it was exactly what I needed.”

  I stop and look over to Chase anxious to see his expression, but all I see is understanding. He smiles at me and nods as if to tell me to continue. I grab his hand and go on.

  “I noticed you the moment I saw you on stage, the way you change when you step in front of the crowd is mesmerizing. I love how hard you work and how passionate you are for your music. I never expected this, although ever since the day we met and you hugged me, I felt something for you. I’ve been fighting with myself to believe any advance you’ve made towards me or interest you’ve shown, because I don’t want to lose this job. I know that sounds selfish, but if I lose this...I don’t know what I’ll do. I have never felt as broken as I did when Josh hurt me, I just know I cannot feel that again, ever. Being here has made me happier than I’ve ever thought possible, but I like you… more than I should. I guess all I’m asking is, can we take this slow?”

  I feel his thumb tracing circles on my hand and am comforted by the touch of his skin on mine. I’m suddenly aware of my nakedness and pull the blanket up over me. He pulls my hand to his lips and presses a soft kiss to my fingers. I’m not sure how I expected him to react, but a sense of calm washes over me, so I wait patiently for him to respond while I soak in the feeling of our intimacy.

  “Thank you for telling me how you feel, and opening up to me like that. I know it had to be hard to do. We don’t have to jump into anything, we can take it slow. Okay?”

  I smile as he reassures my uncertainties. I have been holding that in since I came here. Hell, I haven't even told my friends or sister about this, it felt so good to tell someone. He continues with telling me he isn’t going to hurt me and even though I tell myself to not cave in and to keep my guard up, something deep down tells me to believe him. In that moment, although he may not know it. I did the bravest thing I have ever done. More risky than picking up my life to travel the country with complete strangers. In that moment I collected all the many broken pieces of my heart and gave them to Chase as a whole.

  Praying with everything I have that it was the right decision. Trusting myself to not make a mistake again and wishing that he’d keep it whole forever and never hand it back.

  Chase:

  Although this woman has been on my mind every day for weeks I didn’t think this is where today was headed at all. I am lying here soaking in every word she says, while mentally pinching myself to make sure this is real. The past year has been a lot of recovering and doing whatever I could to stay in the music industry. After taking so much time off I told myself that I wouldn’t get involved with anyone and although Lauren has not left me alone for months, I haven’t caved even to her. I don’t know what came over me, but earlier today after the show, seeing Hope so upset just bothered me.

  Now I’m here with her and hearing how she turned her heartbreak into a promise to herself to live life to the fullest. She is stronger than I even realized. Not many people can just leave everything they know to travel for three and a half months with a bunch of strangers, let alone when she already had a rough year.

  I lay here, gently rubbing my fingers over her skin, as I contemplate what to say to her.

  “Look Hope, I can’t guarantee we will last forever. I don’t know for sure this will work for either of us. I know that’s scary, trust me, because I’ve never been this guy.” I shrug. “I’ve been the ‘date around’ guy. I don’t know what you’ve done to me, but all I know is I want you. Not to hook up. I want you to be mine. You bring so much light to everyone around you. I am drawn to that. I have been since the moment I saw you. That day backstage. I saw you setting up. I think it was your first day, remember?” She nods, looking at me intensely.

  “I knew then,” I continue. “I had to know you. Thank God I got over my pride and said something. I know you’ve been hurt. I know you don’t trust easily, and you have a giant wall up. This may be a crazy rollercoaster we’re about to jump on. Fuck, that sounds like a damn movie quote.” I sigh in frustration and sit up. This isn’t coming out right at all and I don’t know if what I’m trying to say is even getting across. I reach over and gently rub her cheek, holding her gaze for a few silent beats. “Sorry, I’m not good at this, but you make me want to be different. Even though you know the real me and accept it, not the rock-star persona, but me. All I’m saying is we don’t know what will happen. We do know how we fell. I know this is an unconventional way of meeting and we’re both doing this out of the normal lifestyle right now, but we’re doing it together. Let’s just enjoy it. I promise to never intentionally hurt you. I want to kill the guy who did. You deserve so much better. You’re too good for him, hell you’re too good for me. I shouldn’t even be asking this of you, but I am. I am asking you to take this chance. Take it and know it’ll be one hell of a ride.”

  She looks down, biting her cheek as she processes everything I’ve just said and for a moment I think she is going to tell me to fuck off, but then she looks up and I see it. The slight glimmer of optimism in her eyes.

  “Yes,” she whispers before saying louder, “Okay. I trust you. So…okay. Let’s try.”

  I smile and kiss her gently before we lay back and talk until we fall asle
ep in the early hours of the morning.

  ***

  A few hours later I feel a kiss on my cheek and hear her whisper. “Hey, I’m going to shower and change. We’re stopped.”

  I nod, my eyes still closed. “Finnne, leave me lonely in bed.” I tease.

  She smacks me lightly and laughs. “See you soon.”

  After I get dressed and eat I head outside to see what everyone else is doing. Ariel and Ryker are walking towards me.

  “We were just coming to find you.” He says.

  “I slept in a bit.” I admit.

  “That’s fine, we just wanted to go over the set.” Ariel replies.

  “Sounds good. Where is everyone?” I question, looking around.

  “Aiden, Cole and Hope are filming some of the set up and pre show stuff. Hope says she wants to film some of the show today, then combine it and some random snips of us setting up, and tour life in general into a promo video.” Ryker shrugs.