Holding On To Hope

by Mystique Roberts

  I nod, “Hell yeah, that’s a fantastic idea. Let’s go over the set list and head to help. I think we could use that video to promote new music too.”

  “New?” Ariel and Ryker ask in unison.

  “Mhm..” I nod and start to walk towards the stage. “I’ve been brainstorming. Guess I’m inspired.” I shrug.

  Ryker laughs. “Oh, I bet you are.” He runs his fingers through his hair, making sure it stays in place.

  “Come on princess. No time to care about being beautiful. We have work to do.” I give him shit for his constant grooming all the time.

  I see Hope with her camera, directing Aiden and Cole and run up to her, jumping in front of the camera.

  “Chase!” She laughs, “Don’t ruin my shot.”

  “Psh, I’m the lead singer, I would enhance the shot if anything.” I joke and head to help set up the guitars.

  Seeing everyone together like this reassures me that her and I are right. This can work.

  chapter 10

  Hope:

  Everything has changed the past couple weeks but it is a change for the better. I feel like my heart is less heavy and my soul is free. I’ve learned to let the pain I’ve held onto go, finally realizing that holding onto someone who was no longer mine was only making me hurt more. Josh was my first love and although there will always be a part of me that loves him, I had to learn to love myself and letting him go is a part of that process. I am thankful every day that I took this chance because I don’t know where I’d be emotionally if I hadn’t. Giving in to Chase took courage I wasn’t sure I had anymore and although I know it was the right decision, there are days I still question my heart’s safety, but I’m working on that. We’ve tried to stay professional around everyone, because I asked Chase to give me some time before we told people. I don’t want them to get the wrong idea. I came here for this job and everything it entailed, that is it. If people thought that I came here to date a celebrity… that might risk my job. So we keep our touching to a minimum, but I can’t deny, fighting the urge to grab his hand or flirt is difficult. I just feel like my body gravitates towards him whenever he is near.

  It’s not just a physical attraction thing either, I just feel like we fit. I am becoming the person I didn’t know I was capable of being and I know Chase allowing me to fully be myself is a big factor in that. I’ve had some downtime after the shows and I’ve been using it to reflect on the last year of my life. I feel like I was on autopilot for so long after Josh that I can’t really remember much except finding this job. I told myself I’d do something to make my dreams a reality. After finishing school, I focused on business management and music management. I’ve always loved music, but I have no talent of my own so, I searched for hours and hours into personal assistants for musicians, assistant tour managers, even just assistants to managers. I just wanted something that would get me out of my little town and give me the ability to travel and be around something I loved. So I researched and came across a few assistant jobs and applied right away. I was offered a few “intern” positions that were no salary, and I was going to take one, until I came across Ignite Records post. The job was for an Assistant Manager to a new artist. I nearly didn’t apply because I have no music managing experience, but the ad only said it required traveling, handling schedules, helping the manager with keeping track of budget and basically getting the musicians where they need to be when they need to be there. I figured it was a long shot, but I applied anyway. Somehow here I am. I think Ariel had a lot to do with that. I attached my social media links to show how interested I was in the type of music, hoping they’d get a sense of who I was.

  When Ariel reached out I was in complete shock. We had a Skype interview and she had me go through a second one with an office manager at Ignite Records. After two long weeks of waiting, I didn’t hear anything and I thought that they chose someone else. I kept looking for similar jobs, anything to get me out of the life I was currently living. I applied to flight attendant positions, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I sent resumes to postings for celebrity personal assistants, but I only had a few responses and then I thought about just getting an office job in a new city and moving, even though I knew it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. Luckily, before I heard any responses I got a call from Ariel. I was on a high that day from all the excitement. I couldn’t believe I was actually getting my chance to change everything. Chase is just the icing on top of the fantastic cake.

  He is nothing I ever expected and everything I ever wanted all in one. I came here to fulfill my dreams, take chances and mend my broken heart. I never expected to meet anyone that made me feel the way he does. Part of me is still afraid of my feelings for him, but each day they grow. I can’t stop them. On one hand it’s an amazing feeling, but sometimes I over think and let my worries get the best of me. The broken pieces all slowly falling back into place, but they’re still there to remind me of the pain in my past. I haven’t known Chase very long I know, but there’s just something there. I’ve never had this feeling with anyone. The one thing I know is Chase makes me feel different, wanted, important and free.

  I’m lying in bed after a show, taking a minute to relax and thinking about everything. My mind going a hundred miles a minute, but I’m trying to understand all these emotions I’m going through. This can’t be love, it’s too soon for that. I tell myself. I can’t love him, I can’t fall that fast. Sitting up in bed, I place my elbows on my knees and rest my head in my hands, contemplating my reality. Is this how love feels? Am I overthinking? Or am I truly falling for this man? The thought freezes me in fear, the last time I felt something even close to this, it was gone in the blink of an eye. Ripped away with no warning, only leaving me with a gaping hole, reminding me of what I was missing.

  It’s getting quieter outside as the shows wind down, so I decide to go for a walk to clear my head. It’s cooled off since the sun went down and I welcome the breeze gladly. The days have definitely been hot during the shows and this weather is a nice break from the scorching heat. I walk towards the stages, place my phone in my back pocket and just enjoy some alone time. The smell of food makes my stomach growl as I near the stands. So, I grab some fries and water.

  As I’m walking back towards the bus I see Chase walking away from my door, “Looking for someone?” I tease. He turns around, a sly smile forming on his perfectly chiseled face.

  “I was.” He walks towards me, closing the gap between us and places a soft kiss on my lips. “Did you get some food?”

  “I did. I just wanted to walk around for a bit and get some fresh air. The cool air is a nice change from the heat.”

  He grabs my hand and the feeling of his warm skin is comforting to me.

  “Good. Well, do you want to go for a walk with me now?” He wiggles his eyebrows trying to entice me.

  “Hmm…I don’t know. I might be a bit tired now.” I laugh and he leads me back towards the stages.

  “Where are we going?” I question. “There’s only about an hour of shows left.”

  “Just trust me, would you?” He sticks his tongue out and I scrunch my nose. “Fiinnee.” I say sarcastically.

  He leads me to an empty stage and now I’m definitely curious. We walk to the middle and he plops down, patting the spot next to him.

  “Come on. Sit down.” He smiles.

  I sit and watch him as he takes a deep breath.

  “I just like to come here some nights before we leave, or sometimes before the shows start and sit in the quiet, open, space. It’s a nice way to clear my head.”

  I smile, “I like it. It definitely gives me a different perspective.”

  “That was what I was going to miss most…” he trails off and for a moment I don’t know what he means. I turn to look at him, raising a brow in confusion.

  “When I had my accident,” he says solemnly.

  I kiss his cheek, “Well you’re here now. So you don’t have to miss it.”

  “You’re right. I’m back
doing what I love. Even better, I’m sharing the experience with you.”

  I smile, “You are.”

  He starts to hum a tune I haven’t heard before, and I hear him softly singing.

  “Letting Hope consume me.”

  “Wait…what did you say?”

  He turns and smiles, then shrugs. “I don’t know, just lyrics that popped in my head. What can I say, you inspire me.”

  Part of me is excited, but I have no idea how many girls he’s written about and I don’t want to be just one in the crowd.

  “That’s sweet and all…” I say cautiously, “but I don’t want to be that girl.” His face drops and I feel bad instantly. “No, I just mean, you say that I’m different. “So, show me. Do something different.”

  He smiles and before he can say anything a light rain starts to fall.

  “Come on.” He says enthusiastically and grabs me, pulling me up to him. Pointing to the city lights in the distance he says, “Just think of all the places we will see together. All the things we will get to do, the memories we will make.”

  An overwhelming feeling of excitement rushes through me. He’s right, and I realize this will be unlike any other experience I’ll ever have. Doing something like this together, will be a memory I’ll never forget. The rain increases and he pulls my mouth to his, kissing me hard.

  “Let’s go!” he yells.

  We run back to his bus and hurry inside; luckily we made it right before it starts down pouring. The summer rain beating against the roof of the bus is almost seductive. I look at Chase and his eyes are dark with desire. Suddenly he pulls his shirt over his head and quickly removes his clothes. Chase leads me to his bed and now the only sound I hear is that of our mouths crashing into one another.

  Giving into the moment I undress hastily, while Chase does the same. Our bodies tangle together in need. My head and heart are fighting one another; lust and love, emotional and physical need intertwined into one. I melt into him forgetting everything but the feeling of his skin on mine.

  ***

  I lay in bed, with my head on his chest, tracing the scars on his thigh, stomach and arms. There are more on his back. They’re all small, but visible.

  “I was drunk.” He says, breaking the silence for the first time.

  “We don’t have to talk about it.” I assure him.

  He rubs my head gently, playing with my hair. “I want to tell you.” He says. “I was out with the guys. I drank maybe two drinks; at least…that’s what I thought. It’s a blur now.”

  I stay silent and listen as my heart aches for his pain.

  “My ex…” He pauses and I feel him take a deep breath. I gently squeeze him and he continues. “She was there and had been bugging me for weeks to get back with her, but she couldn’t handle the fame. She was jealous, insecure and it caused problems. That night, I don’t know why, but I gave in and danced with her after she brought me a drink. I nearly went home with her, but sobered up when we went outside. So, I told her it was a bad idea. Then she got pissed and left. I shrugged it off and got on my bike to go home. This is where it gets confusing.” He stops and his forehead creases. I can tell this is hard for him to talk about. “I was fine Hope. Perfectly fine to drive, but then all of a sudden I wasn’t. I don’t know…maybe I drank more than I thought. Maybe it just hit me late. All I know is one moment I was taking off from a light and the next my control was gone and I was on the road sliding. I thought I was going to die. I passed out getting into the ambulance. Everything hurt. It took months of recovery, I didn’t know if I’d ever be back to normal.”

  He leans back a bit and I look up meeting his eyes as he shakes his head, “ So, I swore I’d never drink like that again. I swore I’d focus on my career. I fought my feelings for you because I didn’t want to lose focus. I still don’t. I’m working on it.”

  He sighs and I kiss him. “I won’t let that happen. Thank you for telling me. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but I think you grew from it…I promise Chase. I promise I won’t let you mess up your career for me.”

  I squeeze him and he kisses me hard, rolling onto me, entangling our bodies one more time.

  Chase:

  When I wake up the next morning it takes me a second to remember the night before. I am facing the window, but without her moving or making a sound I know she’s there. My stunning, unimaginable, grey eyed, mystery, laying next to me. I feel her energy radiating off of her and for a moment I just let the feeling soak in.

  Images from last night flash through my memory and I know that everything is changed. Hell, it has been since the day I met Hope. She’s been running through my mind since day one. I have played scenarios similar to last night over and over in my head, only now it is a reality. Now she really is mine and I plan on keeping it that way. I smile, roll over and her eyes meet mine. Instantly her expression changes. Worry is written all over her face and my gut clenches, does she regret last night?

  I reach up and slowly place my hand on her face, rubbing her soft skin slightly with my thumb. She presses her cheek into my hand, closes her eyes and a small smile forms on her lips.

  “Good morning.” I say quietly, still wondering what is on her mind.

  “This is a good way to wake up.” She says, then her eyes meet mine again.

  “Are you okay?” I question, creasing my brows together. I kiss her forehead and wait for her response.

  She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and nods.

  “I’m fine, great actually. I just...I can’t say that this doesn’t worry me. I know we talked about this, and I know you said you aren’t going to hurt me. But -”

  Worry courses through my body. What am I going to have to do to show her that I would never hurt her? I can see the pain in her eyes and know that she has been broken before, but all I want to do is put every piece of her back together.

  “Babe, I pro-”

  She cuts me off.

  “Let me finish, please.” She smiles and grabs my hand, squeezing it gently. “I want to believe you and part of me does, I just haven’t liked someone this much in a long time, Chase. This came completely out of the blue, I never expected this to happen when I took this job. I took this job to start over, to take risks, live life to the fullest and to focus on myself. All I’m saying is I want this, I want you, I want the whole package, sharing this journey with you is more than I could’ve ever imagined. There’s just this part of me that’s fighting it, because I can’t get hurt again...not like that. I just can’t.”

  She gets the last part out in nothing more than a whisper. Then, before I can respond she leans in and her soft, full lips meet mine. At first the kiss is slow, but the passion takes over and my hand pulls her in tighter. I could stay right here all day, but in an instant she pulls away.

  She holds up a finger to say ‘hold on’ and softly speaks.

  “All I’m asking is that you be patient with me. I want this, I want you, it’s just going to take a bit of time for me to stop this internal battle with myself. It’s going to take time to allow myself to trust you, Chase. I’m sorry for that, but it just is.”

  I smile, all that matters is she wants this, she wants me and I won’t stop showing her that I care until she knows that she’s all I want.

  “Don’t be sorry. I’m just glad you want to try, because Hope, all I’ve thought about since I met you is how it would feel to have you next to me like this. Now that I have it, I don’t plan on letting it slip between my fingers. Just know that.”

  She wraps her arms around me and places her head in the crease of my neck. I squeeze her tight trying to reassure her that I won’t let go. After she leaves to get ready I shower and while the hot water runs over my body I go over the last twelve hours. Talking on the stage, things got personal so quick. I mentally kick myself in the ass for the song. She was right, she isn’t like everyone else. I can’t do the same old ‘tricks’. I am happy that she is opening up and I know a lot of it is this job and he
r doing what she loves, but part of me wants to believe she is letting down her guard for me.

  Telling her about Lauren and the wreck was me letting my guard down for her. I hope that she knows that, I want her to know that not just anyone knows that. I want her to know that she’s special. One day I’ll tell her, but for now I will take it slow.

  I shut off the shower and water dripping from my hair sends me back to last night. I smile as I recall the rain pouring down on us, forcing us to run for shelter and giving me the courage to push through the tension that’s been building. Images of her body wet from the rain replay in my mind. Everything happened so fast once we ran inside. Suddenly my lips were on hers and I couldn’t stop. I wanted more, I needed more. I need everything with her. Once we peeled of our wet clothes, the barrier between us dissolved. Feeling her soft skin rubbing against mine pushed me over the edge and we gave into the sexual attraction that’s been between us for weeks. I feel the ache low in my stomach as thoughts of her naked body have me pining for her touch. I could’ve stayed in bed, with our bodies intertwined all day. Fuck, I want her so badly it scares me. This isn’t like every other girl. Hope is it. There will never be anyone like her. She is my weakness, she is my kryptonite. I’m falling for this woman and although I’m telling her to trust me, I can’t lie that this scares me too.