Holding On To Hope

by Mystique Roberts

  “This summer that person showed me that it’s okay to be who I really am. That I don’t have to keep this ‘rock star’ persona at all times and that I can have flaws and still be successful. She taught me what compassion, courage, love and a little hope can do for a person.”

  I have tears in my eyes that are dangerously close to swelling over and turning into all out blubbering when Ariel grabs my hand. It wasn’t until then I realized, that maybe Chase was just as scared to fall for me all along. I was constantly worried about believing his intentions that I never really thought about his guard being up too.

  He glances back to me one last time before facing the crowd as the music gets louder.

  “This song is called ‘I’m Letting Hope Consume Me’ and well...I really hope you enjoy and know how much you all mean to me.”

  I keep a tight grip on Ariel’s hand as Chase starts to sing.

  “Shatter the cast - unbreak the glass

  I’m slipping under the waves of my past

  Breaking the chains that tie me down

  Praying and hoping that I live up to the crown.”

  My mind drifts back to earlier this summer when Chase and I were sitting on the empty stage under the stars. I know why this sounds familiar now. That night when he started to hum, it was the soft tune I’m currently hear playing loudly over the speakers. This is the song I told him not to write, and damn him, he didn’t listen. Now I can’t control the tears and I am full on crying as I listen to him pour his heart out on the stage in front of hundreds of people.

  “Can’t let the lies define me

  Can’t let the hate take over, so now

  Now I’m letting go - I’m breaking the chains and

  Letting Hope consume me.”

  I take in my surroundings as the band continues to play, seeing Aiden, Cole, Ryker and Chase give everything they have to the audience. People have their phones up recording, some are crowd surfing and others are just engrossed in the music, swaying back and forth. Then, I am taken by surprise when I see my Anna and Taylor in the crowd with some people from school and my mood instantly lifts. I may be having my heart torn in two places, but right then I am reminded that my family and friends are here seeing me live out my dreams. It’s exactly what I needed.

  After the show I point to Anna and my sister and yell that I’ll be down in a second. I turn to find Chase, when Ariel stops me.

  “Hope, one second!” She walks up smiling and brings me into a hug. I am trying to act like everything is fine, but it is a bittersweet moment. I did it, I succeeded at traveling this summer, being away from my family for months, taking a leap into the life I want to make my own, while working through my heartbreak. Although, it seems I may have walked right into another, I found myself through this experience and met some people I will never forget along the way. I smile at that thought.

  “Damn, I knew Chase wrote that, but I didn’t know he was going to do that.” Ariel gestures to the stage. “Look, I know this is a bit complicated and none of my business, but just…don’t overthink things okay? You both deserve to be happy and well, people fuck up. We make mistakes, no one is perfect.”

  She shrugs, “I’m not saying anyone was right or wrong, just that relationships aren’t easy, especially ones like this, but some are worth the battles you have to overcome.” She smiles and I nod, knowing deep down she is right. “That being said, even if you two don’t work whatever you had out, just know that you are a part of this team and nothing will stop that. Now…” She changes her tone, lightening the mood, “We are all going out to celebrate a successful tour and since we’re by your town, I thought tonight would be appropriate; kind of a celebration of tour, you joining us and a way for your family and friends to meet us and know you’re in safe hands. Sound good? Because by all, I mean you too, so go see your family and get ready, bring your friends. Meet us back here at nine thirty okay!? Also, that is not a question, the answer is yes. See you then.”

  She winks and walks off before I can argue. I turn to run back towards the crowd and see Chase walking to me out of the corner of my eye. I know our fight was stupid and I know he had a right to be angry, but the way it was handled was just wrong, I told him to make a decision and we’ve barely spoken since. I just know we need to move past this, even just as friends and coworkers. Although, I never expected to be romantically involved with anyone this summer, I had an idea how the tour life would be. I knew it would be crazy, I knew it would be unexpected, that’s why I wanted it so badly. All I can hope now is that we can work this out and if it is just as friends that my heart learns to accept it.

  “Hey…”Chase says when he gets close, breaking the ice before I do.

  I swat him playfully, “Don’t you just hey me. I know where that song came from and I think I told you not to write it.” I pause and he opens his mouth to speak, but I cover it with my hand and shake my head. “Thank you. Just…thank you. That is a moment I will never forget.”

  He smiles in return and nods. “You’re welcome.” He laughs, and then shifts his weight from side to side, thinking for a second. “Look,” he grabs my hand for a second then releases his grip. “Can we talk later after everything? I don’t want to push you or anything, I’d just like to – well. I just need to get some things off my chest.” He speaks cautiously, then waits for my answer with a slight smile on his face.

  I smile and nudge my shoulder into his. “You should be proud. You guys did amazing; I definitely think you regained your spot in the music industry and probably launched it further.” I pause, still racking my brain for a response to his question. Taking a deep breath, I place my hands in my back pockets to keep from fidgeting, “and sure…we can talk tonight.” I slowly look up to meet his eyes and see his smile shine through them. I don’t know if talking will do any good, but I think I owe it to both of us to clear the air so we can move forward.

  “Well, I’m glad you think so and I hope that everyone agrees with you, because I don’t ever want to lose this again.” I wonder slightly if he means us too or just the music. “Are you coming out later?” He questions, raising his eyebrow.

  I nod, “Ariel made it seem like it was pretty mandatory.” We laugh, “So, I’m headed to get my friends and get ready now. See you in a few hours?”

  “See you then.” He says confidently, and I don’t know if it’s just what I want to see, but I swear he starts to lean in as if to kiss me, before he stops himself. I start to walk past him and elbow him in the stomach, giving him a smirk. I try to be playful, like everything is okay, but I’m thankful that I have a few hours to prepare myself for our talk.

  ***

  “So, spill it lady.” Anna says as we are sitting in my room at my parents’ house, getting ready. I glare at her because my mom is just up the stairs in the kitchen.

  “What? Don’t look at me like that.” She says pointedly, as she straightens her long, brown, curly hair.

  “Can we talk about it later?” I whine. “On the way back to meet everyone maybe? I don’t need my mom asking a million questions right now. She gave me the third degree when the tabloids let the cat out of the bag a month ago. ‘Did you have interest in him before you took this job?’ ‘Don’t go putting a guy before your future.’ ‘So now I guess you really won’t want to come home.’” I mimic her. “Damn, it took forever to get her to lay off. She damn near came to one of the shows to ‘meet him in person’.”

  Anna starts laughing and I throw my makeup brush at her.

  “It’s not funny. I’m an adult, geesh. I just don’t need any more questions, as far as she knows we’re just taking it slow. If I told her we weren’t together, it would be a big ordeal. I had to talk her out of coming to the show even though she hates metal music, just to try to meet him. You and Taylor meeting him is enough pressure, especially now.”

  “Okay, but please just don’t let him hurt you and get away with it. Have you heard from Josh?” She gives me a pointed look.

  I roll m
y eyes, “It wasn’t just him, the argument was both ends and he wants to talk tonight, but I don’t think getting back together right away is smart. I just want to clear the air so we can be professional. Josh I definitely don’t want to talk about. I mean, the man breaks my heart, then as soon as I start this job and move on he just comes running back apologizing. I’m not stupid, as soon as I took him back he’d get bored. It just pisses me off that Chase-‘’ I stop, I haven’t really talked about it since I was home last and now all my feelings are resurfacing and I just want to shove them back down and lock them away until I can deal with it.

  I sigh, “Look, can we just get ready and hang out. I miss you but I didn’t even want to go out like this tonight, but you and Taylor coming will be fun, so let’s just make it a good night. I only get tonight with you guys, I’ll call you this week and we can talk about everything else. Okay?”

  She smiles, “Okay, Hope. I’m sorry. I just don’t want you hurt.”

  I smile, “I know, I’ll be okay. Let’s just go out like we used to, except this time, there will be celebrities with us. You know no big deal.” I laugh genuinely for the first time in days.

  “I have to say, that song was something else. Even if it wasn’t about you, which it so obviously is, you can tell it came from the heart. I’ll give him that.” Anna smiles as she continues to pin back her hair.

  I’m rifling through my tote for clothes and I pause, “I know…” I say almost silently. “He wants to talk later and as much as I just want to forget we ever were more than coworkers, I know that’s impossible. So, I don’t know. I’ll see what he has to say, but I don’t know if it’s going to change anything. I just don’t know if it can work if we had this many issues already. I feel like I just fucked up getting involved at all. Anyway, right now, I just want to focus on the good and have a great time with my friends okay?”

  I give her a pleading look and she nods, “Okay. Let’s celebrate your new life as a celebrity assistant.” I let out a loud laugh and crank up the music.

  We finish getting ready then; Anna, Taylor and I leave to meet everyone. When I introduce Anna to Chase she smiles so big, he clearly knows that we’ve talked. Taylor and Anna get to know everyone as we ride to the bars downtown in an Uber. My sister won’t stop asking Ariel a million questions.

  “How did Hope do?” “Did you guys meet other bands?” “Do you think you might need a makeup artist down the road?”

  I glare at her to shut it and she just rolls her eyes.

  Once we get to the bar I feel slightly better. We are in my element, I know these bars and more people than when we went out the first time together. I grab a round of shots and order myself a Sprite and Crown Apple, then head to the table I see everyone at. Chase stands next to me and I do my best to act natural.

  “Cheers to a great tour and to many more. Also to new friends and experiences.” Ariel says and everyone but Chase raises their shot glasses. I immediately toss mine back. We’ve barely said two words to each other since the show and I’m hoping alcohol will help calm my nerves.

  As everyone talks and gets to know one another, I see Anna talking to Chase. I meet her gaze and she smiles slyly. Oh fuck. I love her, she’s my best friend, but right now she is on my shit list. I see her forehead crease as she listens to whatever he is saying and then she rolls her eyes and looks annoyed. I gesture for her to come over and she just shakes her head no, so I do the only thing I can think of. I find the bartender and order two more shots.

  ***

  After a couple hours I can no longer take the waiting. Sure, everyone is having fun, but the alcohol is just making the emotions I’ve been trying to hide, surface. All I want to do is go back to the day Josh was here and stop everything that happened. I want to erase him kissing me and Chase and I fighting. I just want things back to normal. Maybe it’s the liquid courage, but right then I decide to go tell Chase I want to fix things. I am heading back to the table when I notice he is nowhere to be found, I glance around the bar for any sign of him and see him being lead to the dance floor by a leggy redhead in a dark blue dress. Of course, he’s a rock star in a small town, should’ve known he’d draw attention. I walk over to the girls and grab my things.

  “I think I’m going to head back to the bus. I haven’t eaten much today and I may have taken a few more shots a few minutes ago, so if I don’t go, I’ll be sleeping in the corner over there soon.” Ariel frowns at me then looks to where Chase is and looks back to me, nodding. She gets it.

  Anna and Taylor offer to go with me, but I insist they stay with Ariel and live it up, because they won’t get to hang out with everyone like this all the time. I request an Uber and it says it’ll be here in five minutes so I decide to wait outside, hoping fresh air will sober me up a bit.

  I really wanted to talk to Chase tonight, but I just need to take a step back from everything for tonight. I wish I could take a long hot bath right now, I need the relaxation. I guess my favorite sweats, some hot tea and curling up in my tour bus with a movie will have to suffice.

  A few minutes later my ride arrives and I make small talk with the young woman in the driver’s seat.

  “Riding home alone, hun?” She meets my gaze in the mirror and I smile.

  “Just for now. I’ve had a long day and my friends weren’t ready yet, so I told them to stay.”

  She nods and I call Ariel to let her know I got a ride, but she doesn’t answer. Remembering how loud it was inside, I realize she probably can’t hear her phone. So, I scroll through Facebook to pass the time when I hear tires squeal and a loud bang. My body jerks back into the seat as I look up to see our car stopped inches in front of a wreck.

  My driver turns around to face me, “Are you okay!?” I’m so sorry miss, I couldn’t swerve so I just had to slam on my breaks. This idiot over here obviously ran a red light.” I take a few deep breaths and check my body over, I’m a little shaken but seem fine.

  “It’s okay, I’m fine, just a bit-” before I can answer I hear a loud horn and a bright light shines to my right. I turn as I hear my driver scream and look just in time to see the truck’s headlights when it collides into me.

  The next thing I remember is Ariel’s voice “Hope! Can you hear me? Hope!?” I can’t seem to form a coherent response, so I try to move but I’m trapped and everything hurts. I try to open my eyes, but my body is so weak they only stay open for a second.

  “Answer, come on answer.” I hear Ariel’s voice again and try to look towards the sound.

  “Chase! Chase I need you to listen. There’s been an accident. Don’t freak out because I need you to get everyone out of there and to the hospital. It’s Hope.”

  “Yes I’m sure! I’m standing here with her.”

  “I said not to freak, now listen. I walked outside to see if she was able to get a ride and saw it happen, someone T-Boned her Uber. I hear the ambulance. Tell her sister and make sure everyone gets to the hospital safely! I’ll text you the name, I’m sure Taylor will know where to go. - I know Chase, I know, just hurry. It doesn’t look good.”

  Chase:

  There is this quote. “When you love someone, tell them. Because, you never know when you might be seeing them for the last time.” It’s been replaying in my head for the last two days and I’m praying to God that I have the chance to say those three words before it’s too late. I haven’t left the hospital and I don’t plan on it until I know the person I love is okay.

  When Hope came back after our fight, I was so thankful to have another chance to see her, to talk to her. I knew I needed to make everything okay. I am working on proving to her how much she means to me and I just needed to talk to her one more time. I was so anxious to perform that song, but I knew I had to. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know. There was a glimpse of hope in her eyes, which was all I needed to get me through the night. She left before I got the chance to tell her everything. Then, my world stopped Saturday night when Ariel called. I’m sitting here
in the visitors waiting room replaying the night over and over in my head. We were supposed to talk, I was supposed to tell her how much I loved her, I was supposed to tell her we were meant to be. We are supposed to be together, happy and in love. This can’t be happening right now. I can still hear Ariel’s voice telling me to get everyone to the hospital while the eerily familiar sounds of sirens played in the background of the call.

  Images of Taylor and Anna’s horrified expressions when I told them we had to get to Hope and fast are replaying over in my head like a movie. Having to be the one to break it to her closest friend and sister when they don’t even know me wasn’t easy, but in that moment the only thing that mattered was getting everyone out of there as fast as I could.

  Now I’m sitting here in the waiting room surrounded by people I don’t know. We’re all here for one reason, we love the girl in the room down the hall. The one who is attached to hoses, wires and breathing with a machine.