Finding Never (Never say Never)

by C. M. Stunich

  “Okay,” Beth says and I can hear her hands hitting her thighs with a slap. I only know because that's a habit of hers when she's stressed. “Okay then, you pay your share of the bills, buy your own food, your own clothes, and then you make all your own decisions. How does that sound?”

  “Are you being a mega bitch because Danny's coming over later or because Never is back? Which is it?” I try not to listen, really, because I have this terrible gut feeling that Jade is, at some point, going to say something horrible to me or about me. Granted, I'm willing to cut her some extra slack after what I found out last night, but I think my heart's had about all it can take. My mother has cut into me deep enough to kill, and I have this horrible suspicion that without Ty, I would've done something so disgusting last night that I'd have never recovered.

  “You need to learn some tact, Jade. How long are you going to sit around here feeling sorry for yourself? Hmm? Because I, for one, am sick and fucking tired of it. Get a life, Jade, and stop insulting other people about theirs.” Footsteps smash across the ground and my door rattles as Jade throws it open and lets it slam into the wall next to her.

  “Good morning to you, too,” I say, convinced that after five years I should be getting something better for breakfast, maybe some pancakes with smiley faces or something, but no, no my family doesn't work like that. We're such a fucking breeding ground for drama that it makes me ill.

  “Have fun digging into my private business last night,” Jade says, and I have to blink several times before I can actually register what she's saying.

  “Huh?”

  “Yeah, Mom told me you were asking about shit that's none of your concern.”

  “Jade,” Beth says, coming up behind my younger sister and trying to touch her shoulder. Jade shrugs it off. I look at her and wonder what the hell I'm going to do because she is a mess. She looks like a deranged biker chick in her black miniskirt, leather jacket, and mask of makeup. Jade is desperate for attention, but she's looking in all the wrong places. “Honey, you have no room to talk. You're always sticking your nose into everyone else's business.” Jade ignores her and focuses her rage on me. Always on me. Even after all these years.

  “You must have a lot of pent up anger,” I tell her as I sit up and try not to notice Ty's beautiful, bare chest and soft, sleepy face. It's been a long time since I've seen a man like that, and I have to say, there's this sort of magic about it, knowing that he's at his most vulnerable by my side. I sort of love it. “To want to rail on me already.” Jade flips me off.

  “Don't look for Luis, Never,” she says venomously. “If you do, I won't ever forgive you.” And then she turns away and storms down the stairs to God only knows where. I look at Beth who, despite everything, smiles back at me.

  “I'm sorry,” she tells me and looks like she wants to come in and sit on the edge of the bed. Her eyes, however, wander over to the lump that is Ty and pause there. “I'll tell you everything later, when she goes out.” I nod and am glad that at least there's a few people in this house that are willing to tell me what's gone on, what's going on. “And Never,” she says as she puts her hand on the doorknob. “I am so glad you're here.” Beth blows me a kiss and closes the door.

  “I see the spicy streak is a family trait,” Ty mumbles, eyes still closed, lip ring bright and shiny in the morning light. I bend down and take it between my teeth, tugging on it until Ty reaches up, tangles his fingers in my hair and kisses me. “Is acidic tongue a dominant gene?” I lean back and slap him lightly with the back of my hand. He gazes up at me and there's this moment where I can imagine a future with him in my mind's eye. It's so bright and perfect that I have to shake my head to get rid of the image. “Something wrong?” he asks me, all mussy and cute with his dark hair sticking up every which way. I close my eyes and shake my head, hoping that what I'm going to say next isn't going to destroy the sweet smile that's on his sexy lips.

  “You and I, we're going out with Noah today.” I don't mince my words, just get them out before I can second guess myself. After all, Noah is picking us up at two. I don't know what time it is now, but I can't take the chance that Noah will show up before Ty knows. I have a feeling that would be disastrous.

  “Where are we going?” he asks which seems like a strange question. He doesn't even sound pissed. I open my eyes and look at him, but he's just yawning and stretching and scratching his taut, sexy belly with his ringed fingers.

  “You're not mad?” I ask, and Ty laughs, just up and freaking laughs at me. “Glad I could make your morning,” I say and then cringe. Sometimes I'm so mean … I can see what Ty means about this attitude running in the family.

  “Nope,” he says as he swings his feet out of bed and looks over his shoulder at me. “I want to meet this guy.” Ty stands up, and I can't help but check out his ass as he moves around the bed and starts to dig through his suitcase for clothes. He could be yours, my mind whispers. All yours. You can have him completely and wholly if you want, Never. The invitation is there. You have but to accept it. I swallow and avert my eyes.

  “Why?” Ty doesn't answer for awhile, so I turn my attention back to him and watch as he slips on a T-shirt first then a pair of jeans (with no underwear, of course), and turns to face me.

  “Because,” he tells me, and his voice, although firm, doesn't have the slightest hint of anger in it. “I want to know what he has that I don't.” I stare at Ty McCabe for awhile, and he stares back at me, but I don't see any bitterness in his expression, don't hear any in his voice. This makes me feel twice as guilty. I look down at the blankets and curl them into my fist.

  “How do you know he does?” I ask, but I don't look up, not until I hear a gentle jingling that draws my eyes to McCabe's wrist. He's switching out his silver bangles for some black ones with red stones. This is a ritual I have never before witnessed firsthand, and there's something about it that makes my heart pump faster and my cheeks heat. Watching Ty slip those bracelets over his hands is erotic somehow. Maybe it's the way his hand slips inside the metal ring, the way his fingers brush the metal oh so gently, I don't know. I decide not to analyze my feelings – there will be plenty of time for that later – and crawl out of bed. Ty's eyes follow me as I kneel down and unzip my bag. “Don't look at me like that,” I say and he laughs.

  “Yeah, right, Never.” Ty bends down, so that we're at eye level with one another. “You're the most beautiful fucking girl I've ever seen, and I can't look? I don't think so.” He winks at me, kisses my cheek and leaves me in the bedroom alone, just walks into the hallway by himself and closes the door.

  Oh my dear God, Ty fucking McCabe, what am I going to do with you?

  I dress myself in some light blue jeans, a red sweater over a black tank, and slip into a pair of black Converse that have been sitting stagnant in this bedroom for five, long years. Wearing them is so strange; walking in them is even stranger. There are certain images in life that get caught in your head, that play like they're on some kind of movie loop. That's how it is with these shoes. I have these pictures in my head of them moving down the hallway at school, of traversing dirt paths ahead of Noah Scott, of walking through the fields with my sisters. I can just look down, see the white toes of these shoes and become Never Regali again. It's so weird that when I open the door to the hallway, I turn around and go back, take the shoes off and slip on some white Nikes.

  Ty is leaning against the wall in the kitchen looking like some sort of sex god with a piece of toast hanging from his mouth and a pair of girls hanging from his leg. Darla and Maple are attached to Ty like magnets, talking and babbling together while he nods and pretends he understands what they're saying. Beth is cooking an omelet – presumably for Ty since she's asking him if he wants ham in it – and India is sitting at the table with Lettie and Lorri, coloring a jumbo sized Welcome Home, Never card.

  “Hey!” India shouts, standing up when I come in. I try to give Ty an I'm so sorry look, but he just smiles back at me and doesn't appear to be b
othered by the chaos. I'm kind of figuring out that it's hard to ruffle Ty McCabe. He doesn't give a shit about what anybody thinks. Except maybe me. “We've been waiting for you to get up. Don't you know that Noah's going to be here in a half hour?”

  “Huh?” I ask, wondering how my sister knows that I have plans with my high school sweetheart.

  “Noah called me and asked if we wanted to go,” India says brightly, shaking her phone at me. Ty is watching this exchange with interest, sliding his dark eyes between me and my sister. Jade is nowhere to be seen and, of course, neither is my mother. “Oh!” India continues as if her previous statement wasn't weird enough. “And Zella called, too. When I told her you were here, she said she'd changed her mind about staying in Texas for break. So I guess she's coming home for Christmas, too.” My heart starts to pump faster. Zella is coming all the way from Texas to see me? Just for me? Is that good or bad? I step into the kitchen and ruffle Lorri's hair. She gazes up at me like I'm some sort of Goddess or something which, of course, makes me feel like complete shit. Sorry, I ran out on you, I think silently. So sorry I left you when you did nothing wrong.

  “How does Noah have your number?” I ask India and the kitchen goes silent. Beth turns her attention to the stove and clears her throat.

  “We've been in touch with Noah,” she says as she lifts the omelet onto a plate and hands it to India who then passes it to Ty.

  “Thank you, beautiful,” he says, and I have to keep my lips clamped shut to hold back a stupid comment. Ty McCabe is used to flirting with women. I don't think he even knows when he's doing it anymore. Still, I can see that he doesn't have eyes for my sister, not at all. India blushes anyway and surprisingly, so does Beth.

  “In touch with Noah?” I ask, completely and utterly confused. “What? Why?” Why my family should maintain contact with my high school boyfriend seems strange to me. Beth looks at India who looks at everything but me.

  “Later,” Beth says and then spins around with a big smile on her face. She looks a lot like a copper haired Barbie this morning with her white-white teeth and her apron and her high heels. “I was thinking that you, me, India and Jade could go to dinner together?” She doesn't mention Mom. Nobody mentions Mom. I think it's that moment where I'm looking at Beth and she's smiling back at me that I realize that I'm not going to be able to forgive my mother. Not ever. Not even if she comes crawling to me and says the things she needs to say. And to be honest, I don't think she'll ever do it anyway. I decide then and there that my goal is not to forgive her, but to forget her. I have to cut the emotional strings she has wrapped around my neck. It isn't an easy decision to make; I can feel the pain of it from my head down to my toes. “You look a little pale,” Beth says. “Are you alright?” I can't speak, but I nod, and I watch my big sister's face and I know without a doubt that although the woman who gave birth to me is not a mother, I still have one. Beth. Beth is my mother in spirit, and that's okay.

  I force a smile to my face.

  “As long as Ty's okay with staying here?” I say, asking what I didn't ask last night when I ran off with Noah Scott. He winks at me with a bit of omelet in his mouth and nods.

  “Have fun,” he says simply and that's that. Is he really that simple? But no, not my Ty, not my bloody, blackhearted Tyson McCabe. He's more complicated than I'll ever be.

  “I want to go!” Lettie says, and I can see that at thirteen, she's desperate to make that jump between girl and woman, stumble over to the other side and join us. Beth shakes her head no.

  “Sorry honey,” she tells my little sister who pouts and crosses her arms over chest, revealing the fact that she is, indeed, still a child. “We have some private stuff to talk about.” Beth sighs. “I wish Zella was here now, but we'll just have to make do.” I lean down and put my arms around Lettie's shoulders and hug her tight. Thankfully, she hugs me back.

  “We'll do something special tomorrow,” I whisper to her. “Maybe a barbeque at the lake or something?” Lettie nods enthusiastically, and I stand up just in time to see Noah's car pull up in front of the house. Immediately, my palms start to sweat and my head feels like it's going to drift into the sky and disappear. Ty senses the shift in my attitude immediately, and I have to keep my gaze off of his. I'm afraid if he sees me, he'll see straight through, and he'll know.

  Ty will know that I'm trying to choose between him and Noah, and he won't be happy about it. Not one little bit.

  19

  Noah Scott walks in the front door dressed in black jeans and a skintight white tee that is deliciously see-through. He doesn't knock, just comes in with a smile on his face and a dog at his heels.

  “Never!” Lettie shouts, giving me the distinct impression that she's met the dog-me before. My sisters, including little Darla and Maple, scramble over and throw themselves on the dog who, despite Noah's testimony to the contrary, does not bite. She just sits down and looks resigned to her fate. She's a pretty dog, mind you, but I'm still in the market for that alley tramp.

  “Good morning,” he says, nodding at Beth, India, me … pausing on Ty, freezing on Ty, panicking at Ty. “Um?” This word slips out of his mouth and just sits there above the table written in bloody ink. Crap.

  “Good morning,” I say, but Ty beats me to the punch.

  “Hey there,” he says, setting his plate down on the table and extending his hand, his ringed hand, out to Noah to shake. “Ty McCabe. You must be the infamous Noah Scott.”

  “Oh, I don't know about the infamous part, but yeah, I'm Noah.” The two men shake hands, and I swear to God, I will testify to this, that there is a spark in that kitchen. Heat explodes from the two of them and hits me right in the chest. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “Um, sorry,” Noah continues as he withdraws his hand and tries to catch my eyes. I look away purposely. “I'm sorry. I didn't know Never had brought a … ” Everyone waits anxiously for me to fill in the missing word. It's like the world's most horrible game of Mad Libs, one where nobody wins.

  “I have no family, so Never offered to let me come with her for the holidays,” Ty says, reminding me that in less than three weeks, it will be Christmas. This house has no lights, no tree, no presents. I make a promise to myself that I'll ask Beth about it later. He also leaves his position in my life purposely vague, but why? Ty says that I'm his, that I belong to him, so why is he just laying by the wayside and letting me fumble through this? If our positions were switched, I'd be clawing Noah Scott's eyes outs. So just pick Ty already, my damaged heart commands me. I ignore it which is probably stupid, and try to smile. It sort of hurts my face. I haven't smiled, really truly smiled, in a good long while. Except, of course, when you're with Ty. Idiot.

  “So, big family trip to the river?” I say and honestly, it sort of sounds like hell. “I'm gonna go have a cigarette.” I touch my back pockets but can't find anything.

  “I've got what you're looking for, baby,” Ty says, and I think I actually pass out standing up. I come to quick and keep my eyes off of Noah's face.

  “Yeah, alright,” I say as I grab Ty's hand and drag him outside and around the back of the barn. When Lettie and Lorri try to follow, I tell them I don't want to see them dead from second hand smoke and buy myself a small slice of alone time with Ty. It's going to be a long day. I don't wait for Ty to hand me a cig and reach my hand down his back pocket to grab the box. Admittedly his ass feels damn good, nice and firm and fucking sexy as hell. He raises his eyebrows at me, but doesn't say a thing.

  “Got a light?” I ask as I stick a Marlboro Red between my lips and pass the box back to him. Ty puts one in his mouth and leans forward so that the cigarettes are touching before he lights us up together. I watch his dark eyes the whole time, certain that he's going to say something about Noah. He doesn't.

  “I have to say,” he tells me with a wicked grin. “That I fucking love this tractor.”

  “Ty McCabe,” I snap and then sigh, blowing smoke out between my lips. “Well?” He looks at me like he doesn't know what I'm talking
about and continues to smoke, one hand in his front pocket, nice and casual like. “Noah,” I say finally. “Noah Scott. What do you think?” Ty looks at me like I'm the world's biggest idiot and throws his cigarette to the ground before he starts to walk away. I stamp on it to put it out, convinced that Ty better get used to putting them out on his own. It's not damp here like it is back … home. Cigarettes cause fires real fast here. I stumble after Ty and grab his arm. He spins to face me with a pinched mouth. “What did I do?” I ask, and Ty rolls his eyes before going for another cigarette, a Djarum Black this time.

  “Never, seriously?” he says as he follows me back towards the tractor. I lean against the tire and remember the tears I shed last night, the things I said to him. I'm such a fucking idiot; I hate myself sometimes.

  “What?”

  “You asked me what I think about Noah Scott?” Ty laughs. “Oh, yeah,” he says around his cig. “Your boyfriend's real fuckin' nice. What a cutie. I heart the fuck out of him. What a catch.” I take the cigarette from my mouth and throw it at Ty. It doesn't come even close to hitting him. He snuffs it out with his boot. “Honestly? I want to smash his face in. Is that what you want to hear?” I cross my arms over my chest.

  “I don't know, Ty. Jesus Christ, I wasn't asking you for dating advice.”

  “What were you asking me then?” he says and then sighs. I watch as Ty wraps this awesome self-control around himself. It's almost a physical change, very impressive, something I could never do. “Look, it doesn't matter. I'm mildly okay with this, alright? I mean, if you choose me because I tie you up in the bedroom and forbid you to see him, what good does that do me?” Ty pauses. “Though I'm not opposed to doing that if you're interested.”

  “Ty,” I say, leveling a look on him. If he's going to freak out and run off, fuck some bitch behind my back, I want to know now.