Finding Never (Never say Never)

by C. M. Stunich

  “I want you to choose me for me,” Ty says and my heart turns to slush in my chest. “I want you to say fuck Noah Scott and mean it. When you can do that, really do that, come tell me. It'll happen, I know it will.”

  “I want to ask you a question,” I say, and I can't help but move forward and put my arms around Ty's waist. He's so fucking dark and beautiful and twisted and perfect. I can't keep my hands off of him. He is also officially now the only man I have had sex with more than once which I think is pretty cool but which I keep to myself.

  “Ask away,” he says and then smiles meanly when I look up at him. “But I may choose to take the fifth.”

  “Are you going to spook?” I ask him, heart fluttering like a butterfly. Trapped, trapped, she's trapped until you let her go. If she comes back, only then can you be convinced of her love. “Are you going to … ” I choke on my heart and have to swallow her back down. “Are you going to run off and fuck somebody?” Ty grabs my chin roughly, maybe a little too roughly, but his pain is so evident in his fingertips that I forgive him.

  “I will never, ever hurt you like that again,” he says fiercely. “We promised to be honest with each other, so let's be honest. I won't touch another woman, maybe as long as I live. I can't stop thinking about you, hurting for you.” Ty kisses me hard with his teeth and pulls back, smoke drifting from his mouth into my own as I breathe. “Now tell me, are you going to fuck Noah Scott?” I shake my head and then pause.

  “Not without telling you first,” I whisper, and I hate myself for saying that. Why can't I just run off with Ty McCabe and live happily ever after? I know why, though. I know that if I do that, I'll have what-ifs following me forever. I have to banish them, all of them. I have to reconnect with my sisters, save Jade, snip my mother from my soul, and I have to find Luis and confront him. I have to do all of this to move on, and I have to understand my feelings for Noah.

  “Thanks for telling me the truth,” Ty whispers and in his eyes I see that he's glad, truly, even if the words are not what he wants to hear. “Now, let's go get some quality time in with your boyfriend.”

  20

  “So, Ty, um, is that short for Tyler?” Noah asks during the most uncomfortable drive of my entire life. We're sitting in Noah's car, and by we I mean me, Ty, Noah, and India. It's kind of … shitty.

  “Nope,” Ty says and rolls his window down to smoke. Noah cringes, but Ty either doesn't notice or doesn't give a shit. I'm going with the latter. “Tyson.” He pauses. “If you call me that though, I'm gonna get kinda pissed off.” I think about jumping out the window and dying on the highway. Maybe that would be better than this? Maybe not.

  “Tyson McCabe,” India repeats and Ty laughs. He's not about to get pissed off at pretty, little India. “That's a nice name. You don't like it?”

  “I like Ty better,” he says, and that's it. The conversation dies before it even really gets started. I stroke Never's fur gently and try not to think about that poetry class where the professor likened petting a dog to stroking a woman's vagina. I wish I were a lesbian. Men suck.

  “So, Noah,” Ty says, sounding kind of … bitchy. I reach up from around the back of his seat and tug on his eyebrow ring. He grabs my wrist and presses a nasty kiss to the back of my hand that everyone notices. “This is a really nice car. You must have a great job.” Noah scratches the back of his head and isn't sure what to say.

  “His dad got it for him,” I insert, trying to distract them both. India's been staring at me like I'm a ghost for the last ten minutes, so I try to steer the conversation over to her, so we can get to know each other better. After all, that's what I'm here for. These … boys? men? … whatever are taking over my everything, and I don't know how to react to it. A few months back, I was so alone in the world, I might've ended my own life had things not changed. And then I met Ty in a bar and so now everything is different, and I just owe him the fucking world … Why can't I just tell Noah Scott to fuck off? “So, India,” I begin, putting my hands on my knees and a fake smile on my face. “How's school going?” India shrugs and licks the side of her mouth, a nervous gesture I remember well. I've always had that, at least, a good memory. Without memories, I'd be nothing but ash.

  “It's okay,” she says with a sigh, and I can tell there's something bothering her, something that she wants to tell me but not Noah or Ty. I reach out and touch her hand, let her wrap her fingers around mine and let it go for now. Sometime later, I'll find the time to talk privately with her, with them all. I'll say my 'sorry's and hopefully hear some of theirs; I'll see who they've become and who they want to be. Maybe everything really will be alright in the end? “I kind of want to drop out,” India blurts suddenly.

  “No.” I say it quickly and calmly, but firmly. She stares at me like I'm a crazy person, like she thought I was the last person in the world that would tell her no.

  “Listen,” Ty says as he turns around and smiles back at my sister with his best bad boy smile. It works and I can see that she is riveted on anything he might say. For better or worse, Ty McCabe has India Regali's full, undivided attention. “You don't have to go to school. If you don't want to be there, then it's pointless, a waste of fucking time, but,” he says before either Noah or I can jump down his throat. “You better have a backup plan, something airtight, otherwise you'll end up on the street corner giving ten dollar blow jobs.” India stares back at him with big, wide eyes and Noah coughs to clear his throat.

  “I don't think – ” Noah begins.

  Ty cuts him off with a wave of his ringed hand. The jingling bangles stop Noah mid-sentence. “Quiet blondie, I've been there, done that, so I know what I'm talking about.” Ty pauses, and I avoid Noah's eyes in the rearview mirror. He wants to know who Ty is, obviously, but what can I say now? I'll have to try to get a moment alone with him at the river. On second thought … I see that Ty is staring straight at me, burning me up with his gaze, the curve of his lips. My chest relaxes and I have to fight the urge to sigh. Me. Sigh. Over a guy. Fucking weird. “Tell me, India, what do you do? What makes you, you?”

  She answers without hesitation. “Music.”

  Ty winks at her and turns back around, lacing his fingers behind his head.

  “Then you're set,” he says and pauses. “Provided you can actually play … ”

  “Sing,” India says with a smile. “I can sing.”

  “Ah, I have to hear it to believe it,” Ty says and India giggles. It's not intentional, it's just that Ty makes women feel wanted. A trick of the trade, I guess.

  “Here we are,” Noah says, sounding terribly relieved. The river, known simply as 'Hatchett's' is a winding, sweeping monster of powerful currents and white froth that hides the river's sharp teeth from the viewers above. I've seen more than one brave adventurer torn apart on those rocks, some of whom made it, and others …

  “Fucking gorgeous,” Ty says, leaning forward over the dash. “Shit and fuck.” Noah cringes, but India barely notices Ty's language. It's sort of a … thing … in our family. Beth is already waiting in the parking lot. I have to say that even though she now drives a minivan, she's still like a bat outta hell when she hits the road. Darla and Maple are playing in the grass with Lettie and Lorri while Jade sulks in the shade nearby like a vampire. Her skin is pale and stretched taut across her face like she hasn't been sleeping much lately. I need to talk to her soon, before she becomes a Mini-Me and spirals straight into hell. Jade couldn't take what I've been through; she would die.

  Noah parks next to my sister's van and we all climb out into the cool, dry air of winter. It has this bite to it, something that tells me that a storm is on the way, but for now, the sun is shining weakly above the trees and everything is peaceful. Things can change real fast around here; I only hope Ty and I don't get stuck in a cellar with my family. Tornadoes are not exactly my thing.

  “Never, look,” Lorri says, racing up to me with a daisy chain clutched in her hand. I smile and bend down, letting her lay it across my hair. As
she does this, she points at my scalp. “Your hair is changing color.” Roots. She's talking about my roots. There's going to be a time here soon where I'll have to decide if I'm keeping the black and red, going back to the copper, or changing it up all together. Maybe I should be a blonde? I wonder if Ty likes blondes. I don't wonder about Noah. What does that say?

  “Just as pretty as when you left,” Noah says as he glances first at the river and then at me. The reference isn't lost on me. Not Ty either.

  “Just as fucking beautiful,” he says even though he's never seen this place before in his life. Or has he? Fuck. How would I know? I have no idea where Ty comes from. He doesn't have any discernible accent that I can place (not to me anyway), and he hasn't mentioned anything that might give him away. I stare at Ty McCabe for a moment, and he stares back at me. “See something you like?” he asks which makes me roll my eyes and take Lorri's hand. We head over to the grassy area that fronts the head of the trail here, and I do my best to smile at Jade. I sort of want to yell at her to get her friggin' head on straight, but what good would that do me? Jade is just like me: she's confrontational and she doesn't play well with others.

  “You must be one tough bitch to hike in those boots,” I joke, but my words fall flat. Jade scowls at me.

  “Fuck off, Never.”

  “Jesus Christ, Jade,” Beth says in her best mom voice. It's pretty good, even better than it was when I left. Guess having a kid really refined Beth's best skills. “Can you be pleasant for thirty seconds? That would be a God given gift.”

  “Why are we even here anyway?” Jade complains as she stands up and I see that her skirt is even shorter than the ones I'm used to wearing. I say nothing. “So Never can pretend she's part of the family?”

  “She is part of the family,” Beth says and her tone is not pleasant, like it's been poured from iron or something. My sister tucks her short hair behind her ear and it immediately escapes, brushing against her cheek as she bends down and picks up her daughter. Jade glares daggers at me, further separating us, further alienating me from any chance of feeling like I actually belong here.

  “Look,” I say because I'm starting to hurt. When I hurt, I get pissed. When I get pissed, I kick ass. “I don't know what your problem is with me. If anything, you owe me an apology, but if you want to just call it even and drop all of this crap, then let's do it.” Jade steps back and raises her eyebrows like What the fuck, sister?

  “Who the hell do you think you are?” she screeches, not holding back even an ounce of her rage. “You don't know me. You don't know this family or what you put us through. You are the world's most selfish human being, Never Regali.” I don't correct her. What good will that do? I just stand there with Noah on one side of me and Ty on the other. Both are silent. Both know that I have to handle this on my own.

  “That isn't true,” I tell her, trying to keep my voice soft. Maple is starting to cry. I don't want her to associate pain or tears with me. What kind of a fresh start is that? “I have thought about you every single day for the past five years and I – ”

  “You're a nasty, filthy fucking whore, Never,” Jade growls as Beth hands Maple to India who takes my three youngest sisters away from this fight and over to a small play area at the end of the parking lot. “I know everything. Everything. We all do.” I stare at her because I'm not sure what she's talking about. How could they know? Who could've told them? I look over at Ty, and he shakes his head slightly. No. Anyway, he would never do that to me. Ty isn't like that. “You're a disgusting, diseased, useless woman. A throw away.” I take deep breaths; I push my feelings back; I die a little inside.

  “And you're a spoiled rotten, foulmouthed little witch.” My eyes snap over to Ty. He doesn't move forward, doesn't raise his voice, doesn't even look angry. He just says what he says and means every word of it. “I don't know what you think you know or how you know it, but I don't give a shit. You need to take a step back and examine your own life before you start judging hers because to me, Never is perfect.”

  Oh.

  My heart cracks in two as I glance over at Ty and realize for the first time that maybe this whole thing isn't about deciding whether Noah is good enough or whether I love him. This is about deciding that Ty is better, that I love him more, that I can't live without him. I gasp and turn around, rest my hands on my sister's van, try to breathe.

  “Are you alright?” Noah asks, obviously a bit out of the loop. I don't fill him in; I can't fill him in and have him look at me like I'm someone else. At least in Noah's eyes, there is no taint, no blood, no sign that he knows what I've done or where I've been.

  “Fine,” I say as a dizzy spell takes over me, and I find myself sitting down with my head against the tire. I don't know if it's nerves or angst or anxiety or what, but I can't stand up, not yet. “Just peachy.”

  I crack open my eyes for a moment and the world spins. Ty is walking away with Jade and Noah is sitting next to me, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. Beth is standing dumbstruck in the same place she's been this whole time. When she turns and faces me, her face falls and she starts to get teary eyed.

  “Never, I'm sorry,” she whispers as she comes over and sits down, too. “I don't know what's wrong with her. She's just like this all the time now.” I sit up and try to swallow. It takes me three tries. I look for a cigarette and practically have a panic attack when I can't find one. I'm so used to being around Ty that he carries them for both us. Ty. Beth pulls a box out of her purse and hands me one. It's a freaking Newport, but I take it anyway and let her light me up.

  “What did she tell you?” I ask my sister, meeting her eyes, trying to gauge the truth in her next words. “What do you know?” Beth stares back at me, and it's that little second of silence that tells me she doesn't know anything. And neither does Jade. She was calling me names, calling me on something else, too, maybe, but not the truth. She was making horrible generalizations, guessing, grabbing at straws, and the worst part is that she was right. She was fucking right.

  “I don't know what you're talking about,” Beth says with a sigh, and I can see that I've unwittingly revealed to her that I've got a secret. A big, fat, nasty, bloody secret. “Please don't be angry with her,” my sister pleads and little lines of worry pop up all over her young face. This isn't fair to her. Nothing is fair. The world isn't fair. I hate this kind of shit.

  “Okay,” I whisper because I don't have the strength to cut two people off of my heart. If I do, I'll bleed to death. My mom, she isn't going to change, but Jade … she's flippant and angry and full of hate, but she isn't numb. Numb is so much worse. I look over at Noah who takes my hand and puts it to his lips, presses the most gentle kiss across my knuckles. He's this little blip of color in all of this black and white.

  I glance up and can't find Ty or Jade. I'll have to trust that he knows what he's doing. He's good with broken people, Ty is.

  “I guess our hike is ruined?” I say as Noah's dog, Never, starts to bark from the area of the play structure. Beth says nothing but gets up to check. Noah, he stays.

  “I don't see why it has to be,” he tells me as he brushes some hair from my face. “If you want, you and I could take a short walk together.” He pauses. “Alone.” I look up and try to find Ty one more time before I give him my answer.

  “Okay,” I say with a sad smile. “Okay, I'd like that.”

  21

  Ty and Jade are waiting for Noah and me when we get back, lying on their backs in the grass beneath a massive oak tree. They're not touching, not even close, but Jade scrambles to her feet when she sees us come around the small fence with the bitch-Never by our sides. She yaps at Jade and then starts sniffing around Ty's crotch. He lays there and doesn't move. I have this really disturbing fear that Ty has slept with Jade, but then, maybe he thinks I slept with Noah. We're just going to have to trust each other this time. It's going to be hard, but it has to be done. There's no other way.

  “Beth, um, took everyone else home,” Jade
whispers and I can see that most of her makeup is gone. She must've cleaned it off while I was walking the winding river banks with Noah and discussing birds. And cars. And vacation destinations. He didn't ask about my secret, even though I could see that he knew, too. They'll all know now, but I may not tell any of them. I have to see how things go. I let Noah hold my hand but only for a little while then I pretended to be more interested in throwing sticks and stuff for Never to chase. I don't want Noah to think we're dating again because we're not. We're just, I don't know, testing the waters or something. “Never,” Jade begins with a big breath and I fear that Ty has told her everything, spilled my dark secrets for her to see. I tense up and can practically feel Noah's pretty eyes trying to pick me apart. “I'm sorry, but I need you to be sorry, too.” Jade gets tears in her eyes. Mine remain dry, for the moment anyway. “I'm sorry I didn't believe you about Luis, but I'm also mad that you didn't stick around and stand up for me. I wanted you to be there, Never, I really did.” Jade pauses and looks at Noah like he's intruding. He gets it pretty quick and moves away … towards Ty. Nice. I hope they have a really fun conversation about me behind my back. Or in front of it. Whatever. “So please, tell me your story.” I blink several times to try to understand what she's just said.

  “Oh.” I look over at Ty who I can hear is speaking to Noah but over the roar of water, can't make out the words. He didn't tell her. I look Jade in the face, search her for a moment and see nothing but pain and angst. She's just sad, just a lost soul, not a broken one. I hold out my arms and she steps into them, lets me hold her tight for just a moment, just one blissful, perfect moment.

  “I love you,” Jade says to me and changes my world without even knowing it. Tears come then, finally, like a waterfall, they cascade down my cheeks and drip onto my sweater. Jade has them, too, and we both look at one another with pouty lips for a moment before we burst into laughter. The boys glance back at us, but they both know better than to interfere. This is sister stuff. You don't mess with sister stuff. Especially if you have a penis.