Life On Hold

by Karen McQuestion

I hated not knowing what was going on in her head.

  “You’re awfully quiet,” Nick said as he pulled in front of my building.

  “I’m not looking forward to this. My mom doesn’t get mad very often, but when she does, look out.”

  “It’ll be okay.” He gave me a reassuring smile. “Really.”

  Easy for him to say—Mr. Lived-in-the-same-house-for-four-generations. I knew he was trying to make me feel better though, so I smiled back as if I agreed.

  Now that we were on my turf, it was my turn to lead the way. I unlocked the outer door and took him through the front hallway, past the wall-mounted mailbox slots and the scuffed walls, to apartment 1A. “Mom?” I called out as we entered. “I’m home.”

  The TV was on in her bedroom. I heard it click off, and she came out to where we stood in the living room. “Hello,” she said, holding out her hand, “you must be Nick.”

  I always found meeting other people’s parents awkward, but Nick had all the right moves. He shook her hand and introduced himself, first and last name, and then he apologized for getting me home so late. His fault, he said. Then he produced one perfect apple from his pocket—a Honeycrisp—and said I’d been a big help picking apples at the orchard. If she’d tell him her favorite kind of apple, he’d bring a bushel next time.

  “Oh, that’s not really necessary,” she said. I knew she was wondering what in the hell she’d do with a bushel of apples. There was no pie baking or cider pressing at our apartment. We bought apples two at a time, and even then they sometimes went bad. “As long as Rae promises to call next time, we’re good.”

  There was an air of finality to the way she stood, one hand on hip. I could tell she wanted him to go, and he must have felt it too because he said, “Well, my mom must be wondering where I am, so I better be going. See you tomorrow, Rae.” His smile was like a secret between us. It spoke of the kiss we would have exchanged if Gina weren’t standing right there.

  After he left she said, “He seems nice,” in a kind of snarky way. I didn’t say anything, so she went one further. “So, apple picking? Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?”

  “We were apple picking.”

  “Were you lying in the tree when you were doing it?” She reached over and pulled something out of my hair. A leaf. Oops. “The back of your sweatshirt is dirty too.”

  “He uses his truck for hauling. I must have picked up some of it on the drive home.” I lifted the bottom edge of my hoodie and gave it a shake, but whatever was on there wasn’t coming off. I looked up and met her eyes. “We were going to have a big talk?”

  She turned serious. “You’re lucky I’m not going to give you holy hell for your little performance at the salon. Don’t even think of pulling that crap again, Rae.”

  “Okay, sorry.”

  “The reason I’m letting you off easy is because your little stunt pissed off Francine and she read me the riot act, which forced me to do some serious thinking.” She tapped her forehead to illustrate exactly where her serious thinking was done. “Do I want to work for someone so evil? No, I do not. So, after much thought, I have a new game plan for us. You might not like it initially, but in the end I think it will be for the best.”

  “Oh God no.” I put my hand over my mouth; I suddenly felt sick.

  “Don’t get so weirded out.” Gina reached over and squeezed my shoulder. “No one died. Why don’t you wait here—I’ll get us something to drink, and we can talk.”

  I knew it—she wanted to move. I sat down numbly and looked around the living room. It wasn’t the greatest apartment, but I’d gotten used to it. When I woke up at night I could find my way to the bathroom without turning on the light. I had friends now, better friends than I’d had at other schools. And now I had Nick. It was just a beginning, but with him I felt a connection. It was the start of something great, I could tell. Looking ahead I saw us as a couple, going to prom together, talking on the phone every night. I’d never thought not having a boyfriend was any big deal, but I’d been fooling myself.

  This always happened. I just started to find my way in a place, and before I could take it any farther, we were gone. Grandpa said Gina thrived on change and chaos. When the going gets tough, Gina gets going, he said. Boy, did he have her number.

  I was sick of change and chaos. Sick of making new friends and learning the ins and outs of yet another school. I just wanted everything to stay the same for once.

  She came back a few minutes later with mugs of hot chocolate with whipped cream on top. The kind of thing that would have won me over when I was, say, ten. Here I was, fifteen, and we were still in the same routine.

  “Please do not say we’re moving.” I gave her a serious look. “We’ve only been here for a few months. We can’t keep doing this.”

  She took a sip. “Ooh, that’s hot—be careful.”

  “You know how important high school is. How am I ever going to get into college if my transcripts are from all over the place?”

  “I knew you’d be like this. I understand how you feel, but let’s just look at it from my point of view for a minute, okay?” She raised her eyebrows and set the mug down on the coffee table. “You knew from the start that I’ve always hated Wisconsin. I only agreed to move here because of the job opportunity and so that you’d be closer to Grandma and Grandpa.”

  Both of them half-truths—she’d really moved here to follow her boyfriend at the time, Dave Somebody. As soon as we moved, he’d ended things. But I wasn’t going to be the one to bring that up.

  “But now,” she continued, “the job isn’t going so well. The kicker was, and I don’t hold you responsible for this, so don’t worry, that that bitch Francine reamed me a new asshole in front of a customer. She had a meltdown after you left the salon. She said your behavior made me look unprofessional and that it reflected poorly on the salon.”

  “You were fired?” My throat was sawdust. This was worse than I thought.

  “No, and I didn’t quit, either. Don’t think I didn’t want to.” Gina pointed a finger in my direction. “You would have been very proud of me, Rae. I just listened politely and apologized, even though it killed me. I just kept thinking about how upset Allison would be if we left right now. I just know she would feel completely abandoned. She already has trust issues. I need to give her some notice—”

  “How upset Allison would be?” The words exploded out of me. “You’re unbelievable! What about me, your daughter?” I stood up. “Don’t you even care about how you’re destroying my life?”

  Gina frowned. “Just calm down,” she said sharply. “If you’d let me finish, we could actually discuss this.”

  I sat down. My heart was hammering, and I felt a little shaky. “Okay, go ahead—discuss.”

  “What I was about to say is that I didn’t make a rash decision like I usually do.” She took another sip from her mug. “I thought things through for once.”

  “Good.” I crossed my arms in front of me.

  “Despite how nasty Francine is, I think I can stick out the job a little longer—say to the end of the semester? Then you can finish your sophomore year at the new place, and wherever we live next we’ll stay for your junior and senior year, I promise.”

  “Yeah, just like you promised we’d stay here until I graduated from high school.”

  She held up a hand like stopping traffic. “Neither of us likes the cold weather, right? So I’m thinking someplace south, but not too humid in the summer. You can research it on the Internet. I’ll even let you pick out the place, as long as there are jobs available there.”

  I could tell by her big grin that I was supposed to like this plan. “If I’m picking the place, I vote to stay here until the end of my senior year. There are other jobs in the area. Why don’t you just get one at another salon?”

  Her face fell. “Rae, be reasonable. You know that once I quit a job I don’t stick around. You make friends very easily, you always have. My philosophy is if you’ve made a m
istake, just cut your losses and move on, and Wisconsin is clearly a mistake for me. I don’t want to get into it, but this place brings back a lot of bad memories for me. A lot of bad memories.”

  “What memories would those be? Something to do with my father? Are you afraid you’ll run into him at the mall?”

  I’d struck a nerve. She set her mug down hard; hot chocolate sloshed over the rim and onto the coffee table. “This conversation is over,” she said, standing up. “I tried to let you have some say in this, but you’re not even trying. It’s really not up to you, Rae, it never has been. I’m the one who makes the money, so I decide what’s best.” She got up and went into her bedroom and closed and locked the door.

  In the aftermath of her outburst, I did what I always did: I cleaned. I wiped up the coffee table, washed the dishes, and straightened up the apartment. An attempt to bring some order to my disorderly life. When I was done I still felt depressed and defeated, but at least things were tidy.

  Later, when I went to Gina’s room to say goodnight, I heard her talking on the phone. Pressing my ear against the door, I heard her say, “Don’t cry, Allison, it’ll be okay.” I listened to her reassurances for the next ten minutes, and then I got really tired and went to bed.

  Chapter 27

  Rebel With a Cause

  My mother and I didn’t talk about moving for the rest of the week, but I made a decision of my own in the meantime. I wasn’t going. I just wouldn’t go. I could live with Kylie or Mason or in Nick’s barn or foster care, under a bridge, whatever. I didn’t care, as long as I could stay. I was physically Gina’s match, maybe even bigger. There was no way she could force me to go.

  All those years I didn’t have a choice. Sometimes we left in the middle of the night, Gina carrying me out to the car half-asleep and me not waking up until we were two states away. That was my life then, because it was her life, but now I didn’t want it anymore.

  I’d taken a good look at my mother and saw what was really there. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my future, but she gave me a pretty clear picture of what I didn’t want. I’d never put any child of mine through this. Things would be different in my world, once I had a say in things.

  Along with my decision, there was another change in my life: Nick and I became a couple just like that. Two months ago we were strangers, and now, like connecting puzzle pieces, we were a perfect fit. Before I met him I didn’t know it was possible to feel this way. Now I lived for the feel of his fingers intertwined with mine, and the way he looked at me like he couldn’t believe his luck. He joked around a lot, which I loved. When we weren’t together he called to say he was thinking of me and he couldn’t wait until he saw me again. Gina’s news was a dark cloud following me around that week, and he was the star that lit up my sky, the feeling that things would turn out okay despite the fact that I had the flakiest mother on the planet.

  Kylie and Mason kidded me about my new boyfriend, but they approved and were happy for us. Even Allison was warmer—smiling when she saw me, talking about our classes with the ease of a friend. She told me she’d be lost without me and my mom, that no one else had been there for her in her darkest hour. She told me that I was lucky to have Gina as a mom, that no one else understood her at all. In the past I would have thought her talk was a little melodramatic, but now I mentally cut her a break. It wasn’t easy starting over at a new school, not to mention losing your family and your home.

  The news that Nick and I were together spread through the school. I think most everyone knew by Tuesday afternoon. Kylie overheard some of Crystal’s friends talking in the bathroom. Apparently Crystal wasn’t too shocked that Nick and I were together. He’d talked about me even while they were together—he thought I was interesting, smart, funny. The girls, of course, mocked me the whole time, but both Kylie and I thought this was good news. They could say I was taking Crystal’s castoffs, but I didn’t care.

  At the end of the week Nick and I made plans to meet up with the others at the football game on Friday night. Lying on my bed Thursday evening with the phone against my ear, we talked about the weekend. Nick mentioned a movie we could see, if I wanted. Maybe going out to eat? “Or we could do both,” he said. On Saturday he’d have chores to do at home: apple picking and delivering some bushels to the local food pantry. “I can get it all done in the morning before I pick you up, or you can come along and help. Whatever you want, we’ll do.”

  “I’ll help you with the apples.” There was no problem there. Apple picking was becoming one of my favorite things, and besides, Gina would be gone all day and into the night. “But I had something else in mind for later in the day, if you’re up for it.”

  Chapter 28

  Saturday Road Trip

  Even though we were early they were ready for us, opening the door before we even knocked. After a flurry of introductions, there were hugs (for me) and handshaking (for Nick). When we got past the preliminaries, I noticed it was just Grandma and Grandpa. “Where’s Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Bill?” I asked.

  Grandma looked at Grandpa, then waved a hand in the air. “They had some errands to run, and we were feeling selfish and wanted you to ourselves.”

  I had mixed feelings about bringing Nick to meet my grandparents. It was pretty early in the relationship to start dragging him out and introducing him to the relatives, but the truth of it was, I needed the ride. I wanted to talk to them in person, and I didn’t have any other way to get to Madison. I told myself it wasn’t like I was using Nick. After all he did offer to take me anywhere I wanted to go. And I knew Grandma and Grandpa would enjoy meeting him. That was my rationale, anyway.

  I gave Nick a tour of the house, all the while thinking about how important this visit was. In English class we’d discussed how an incident in a book became a “defining moment,” which was another way of saying it was a turning point. I was ready for something like that in my life.

  When we got to my room, I was glad to see that, as always, everything was exactly the way I left it. Vacuum marks on the carpeting showed that Grandma had cleaned, but otherwise nothing had changed. The stuffed animals I’d collected over the years sat on the ledge of the bay window, the bulletin board was covered with photos and ticket stubs. It was the one place in the world I could leave things and expect them to stay that way.

  When we got back to the kitchen, Grandma was stirring soup on the stove and Grandpa was cutting a loaf of homemade bread. “I hope you kids haven’t had lunch yet,” he said, shaking the knife in my direction. “Your grandmother made enough for a whole Boy Scout troop.”

  “I’m really hungry,” Nick said. “Everything smells wonderful.”

  Ten minutes later we were sitting around the kitchen table eating the best homemade chicken noodle soup ever.

  “So where does your mother think you are today?” Grandma asked.

  I dipped a chunk of bread into my bowl. “I told her I was spending the day with Nick and she could reach me on my cell phone anytime.”

  Grandpa chuckled. “Technically the truth, eh, Rae?”

  “My mother knows we’re here,” Nick said. “Rae was at our place this morning helping me with my chores. My family owns an orchard.”

  “We brought you a bushel of apples,” I said. “It’s out in the truck. We’ll bring it in before we leave.”

  Grandma smiled. “Then you’ll have to come back next week for apple pie.”

  Nick said, “I’ll come back every week if it means I’ll get food this good.”

  Oh, he was smooth, but in a good way, and from the look on Grandma’s face I saw she knew it too. The conversation was easy after that. Nick talked about his family, things I already knew about his older brother and sister and some Dunstan family history I hadn’t heard before.

  Grandpa told a few jokes, and Nick told a few back. I sat back and thought, This must be what it feels like to be part of a family. A functional, loving, stable family.

  After lunch we all drifted in to the liv
ing room, where the fireplace was lit. On the other side of the room were the patio doors where you could watch birds at the feeders. Nick and I sat side by side on the loveseat; my grandparents sat in the wing chairs on either side of the fireplace. We were full from the soup and the homemade brownies my grandmother had served for dessert.

  “So, Rae,” Grandpa said, leaning forward. “When you called you said you had something to discuss with us?”

  The room was quiet, all eyes on me. Nick had a curious look on his face. I hadn’t told him about Gina’s decision or what I wanted to ask my grandparents.

  I had a whole speech planned, but when it came right down to it, I couldn’t recall a word of it. I hadn’t counted on being so nervous. Finally I just blurted out what I wanted. “Can I come and live with you?” They didn’t have a chance to answer because suddenly words came out of me. A waterfall of words. I couldn’t seem to stop. I told them about my mother hating her boss and wanting to move again at the end of the semester. I told them about my plan, which was that as soon as I turned sixteen I could get a job and a license and a car, live at their house and commute to Whitman High School every day. “If the weather is bad, I can stay overnight at my friend Kylie’s house.” I hadn’t actually asked Kylie this, since she didn’t know anything about it, but I couldn’t imagine her saying no. “I don’t need much, and I’ll find a way to cover my gas and clothes and stuff.” I’d thought through every objection they might have and tried to find an end around. I had $540 in hidden cash—money Grandma and Grandpa had given me over the years. It wouldn’t buy a great car, but I’d looked on craigslist and occasionally there were cars for a few hundred dollars.

  Nick didn’t say anything during my outburst, but his mouth was set in a serious way and I felt his hand on the small of my back.

  “Rae, darling girl,” Grandma said when I was done. “We would love nothing better than to have you live with us, believe me, but I don’t think your mother would ever allow it.”