Life On Hold

by Karen McQuestion

  Grandpa made a funny noise in his throat and got up to stir the fire with a poker. His shoulders slumped, and I saw him lift a hand to his face.

  Grandma continued. “We’ve offered in the past to have you or both of you come and live with us, for however long she wanted. Gina would have none of it.”

  Grandpa returned the poker to its stand. “It made her mad. One year she was having such money troubles we pressed the issue, and she got so angry she refused to come at Christmas.”

  I remembered that year. I was seven and my mother had told me Grandma and Grandpa had other plans for the holidays. That it would be more fun to go out to eat and to a movie with her then boyfriend. I think his name was Owen, but maybe Owen came later.

  “So I don’t have a choice in the matter—I just have to keep moving?” I blinked back tears. I’d been so sure they would help me. “Because you know it won’t end. We never stay anywhere.”

  “I’m so sorry, Rae.” Grandma was near tears, I could tell. “Grandpa and I even looked into getting legal custody of you, but your mother didn’t fit the criteria of an unfit mother. You weren’t abused or neglected. You always went to school and got good grades. We had no legal grounds.”

  “Living like a nomad isn’t illegal,” Grandpa said. “And you never complained, just rose to the occasion. We always marveled at how well adjusted you were.” He sat on the ottoman in front of me and looked straight at me, his eyes filled with regret. “If we could do it, we would in a heartbeat, you have to know that, Rae.”

  “I know,” I said. I knew if it were up to them I could show up at their door anytime and they’d take me in. Unfortunately, it wasn’t up to them.

  “Maybe if it comes from you, she might be more open,” Grandma said. “You can ask her, but don’t say you’ve spoken to us about it, or she’ll shoot the idea down for sure.”

  I nodded. Nick rubbed my lower back with small, comforting strokes. I wiped my eyes. “But if she says yes, you’re okay with it? I can come and live with you?”

  “Oh Rae,” Grandma said sadly, “of course it would be okay with us. But don’t get your hopes up. I know my own daughter. She’s never given an inch before, and I doubt she’s going to start now.”

  Chapter 29

  Change of View

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were moving?” Nick asked, backing out of the driveway. When he glanced my way I couldn’t meet his eyes. Looking down at my lap, it was hard to see through the tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t want to tell him the real reason I hadn’t said anything—that I was afraid he wouldn’t want to bother with a girl who was going to be gone by Christmastime. I’d seen it happen time and time again. As soon as my “friends” heard I was moving, they started distancing themselves. I saw them scouting out my replacement before I’d even packed a box. It hurt. And this time it would hurt even more because it wasn’t just a friend, it was Nick.

  “I guess,” I said finally, a few blocks later, “I was hoping to figure out a way not to move. I thought for sure—” I had to stop for a gulp of air. “I thought that my grandparents would take me in. I was so sure of it.”

  At my grandparents’ house reality had hit me smack in the face. I could see now that my plans of living under a bridge or staying at a friend’s would never work. Gina’s need for change would win again, and I’d be dragged along with her. It was all too much to think about.

  You know when you try to hold back crying, and then it builds and builds and finally explodes in one ugly-sounding sob? That’s exactly what happened then. This big phlegm-in-my-throat noise came out of nowhere, and I started crying. I put my head in my hands, wishing I’d thought to bring Kleenex. I said, “I’m sorry,” but it came out all garbled. I was sure Nick would think I was a complete emo psycho. I pictured him on Monday going back to Blake’s table in the lunchroom and reuniting with Crystal, who had to realize by now that Trey Griffin had nothing on Nick. “I’m so sorry.”

  Nick pulled the truck over to the side of the road and put it into park, then slid closer and wrapped his arms around me. He made these shh-ing noises over and over again; it was almost hypnotic. I felt my breathing start to relax. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he murmured. “We’ll figure something out.”

  I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. My eyeliner was in danger of major smudging. “There’s really nothing to figure out,” I said sadly. “We’re moving and that’s it. My mom always acts like I have some say in the matter, but I don’t. She just rents a trailer, packs up the car, and we go. End of story.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “Do you think it would help if my mom talks to her? Explains how important it is to finish high school in one place? Maybe if your mom thinks of it in terms of how it will affect you getting into college, she’ll reconsider.”

  His voice was reassuring, but I could tell he didn’t get it. When Gina wanted to go, she was like a tornado at ground level. Nothing stood in her way. “I already told her that, but it didn’t help,” I said sadly. “There’s no reasoning with her when she gets this way.”

  We were quiet for a few minutes, me sitting miserably while Nick stroked my head. I wanted to blot out the rest of the world and make it so it was just us: two people in a Ford truck, the heater humming quietly and the cardboard air freshener dangling from the rearview mirror.

  “It’s not like you’ll be dropping off the planet,” he said, breaking the silence. “We can phone and text and Skype. And we can visit back and forth. Next year I’ll be eighteen, and I’ll drive to wherever you are.”

  Next year? That was forever to me. A person could pack a lifetime of memories into twelve months. I’d miss prom, Valentine’s Day, opening day at the ballpark, senior skip day, summer days at the lake. Somewhere in there Nick would find someone else, and those would become her memories. Then he’d be off to college and a whole new group of friends. Eventually we’d wind up leaving messages for each other on Facebook, and when his new, prettier girlfriend asked who I was he’d say, “Just this girl I went out with in high school for like a month.” That’s who I would become—some girl he once knew.

  “Really, Rae,” he said, lifting my chin with his finger, “we’ll stay in touch, I promise. I don’t want to lose you.”

  His lips against mine were the best cure for my troubles. I held him and thought, How could I possibly be apart from Nick? It would just be cruel.

  We made out madly, clinging to each other for I don’t know how long, and we would have continued until time ended, the sun burned out, and the earth froze, except my phone, that damn phone, went off again.

  He paused. “Are you going to get that?”

  “No.” Nothing was that important. I ignored it, and it stopped after a minute. “See, all gone.” I smiled and put my hands on either side of his beautiful head. We’d barely reconnected when whoever was calling tried again.

  “What if it’s your grandparents?” Nick asked.

  Sighing, I reached down to pull the phone out of my bag. I flipped it open. “I don’t know this number.” The moment was ruined anyway. Might as well answer it.

  “Hello?”

  “Rae?” It was Gina. “This is an emergency. Allison’s missing. I’m calling from her aunt’s house. How soon can you get here?”

  Chapter 30

  Big Problem, Hot Cop

  “What do you mean Allison’s missing?” I asked, switching to speakerphone so Nick could hear it too.

  “She’s missing. I don’t know how else to put it.” Gina sounded kind of pissed off at my question, which was so unfair. It wasn’t my fault. “Do you have any idea where she could be?”

  “No.” I looked at Nick, who shrugged.

  “She sent this long e-mail to you, Kylie, and Mason saying she was just in the way and that she was running away. Her aunt hasn’t seen her since last night. She assumed she was in her room all this time. Can you come right away? A police officer is coming to the house and has some questions for you.”

  �
��We just delivered a bushel of apples to this old couple’s house.” I tried not to look at Nick, who looked amused at how I’d sidestepped the truth. “We’re probably forty-five minutes away, but we’ll get there as fast as we can.”

  Nick pulled away from the curb as I finished up the conversation. My mother warned us not to drive too fast, but to get there as soon as possible. “I’m really worried about her,” was one of the last things Gina said. “Her e-mail sounds almost suicidal.”

  I closed the phone, repeating that part to Nick. “Poor Allison. She must be at such a low point, I can’t even imagine.”

  “Yeah, she got a raw deal, no doubt about it.”

  We didn’t say much more on the drive back. Nick fiddled with the radio stations, and I listened to my voice mail: three messages from Kylie telling me about Allison’s e-mail. She must have called while my bag was in my grandparents’ front hall closet.

  When we pulled into Blake’s driveway a squad car was already there, parked behind my mother’s Saturn. Mrs. Daly met us at the door and ushered us into the living room, where my mother sat opposite a young cop in full uniform. He was jotting down notes when we walked in, but stood up when we entered.

  “Thank God you’re here,” my mother said, rushing over to hug me. You’d have thought I was the one gone missing.

  The extremely good-looking police officer, Officer Brent, gave us the rundown. The e-mail had been sent in the middle of the night, making them think Allison left around three in the morning.

  “I didn’t hear anything, honest,” Mrs. Daly said, as if someone had suggested otherwise. “I had no idea she even knew how to disable the alarm system.” I’d envisioned Blake’s mom to be this uncaring, society diva, but this woman, wearing a plain velour running suit, looked sick with worry.

  Kylie had gone to see Mrs. Daly as soon as she read the e-mail, around noon, and the police had interviewed Kylie and Blake’s family before we got there. We just missed Kylie, who had to leave to attend a family reunion. No one had been able to reach Mason, who was participating in a mathematics competition in Green Bay for the day.

  Mrs. Daly told me that Blake and his father were driving around looking for Allison. “Dan is sick about this,” she said. I assumed Dan was her husband. “It was hard enough losing his brother and Tammy, but if anything happens to Allison…” She dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

  “They will find her,” my mother said firmly, then handed me a printout of the e-mail.

  I swallowed hard and read every heartbreaking word. The first sentence said, “Thank you for your friendship, not that I deserve it.” After that Allison went on to say she was always letting people down. That she couldn’t stand herself or her life anymore and couldn’t live with the nightmares she had every night. She said it was like reliving the night of the fire over and over again. Blake hated her—that came up several times in the e-mail—and she knew he didn’t want her living there, so she was leaving and never coming back. “Don’t tell anyone,” she wrote. “I don’t want them looking for me.”

  So much for that.

  Officer Brent asked Nick and me questions. Did we have any idea where Allison might go? Did she have a boyfriend or other friends besides us? Would someone have lent her a car or driven her to the bus station? Did she have money, that we knew of?

  I was a pretty worthless informant, and Nick knew less than me. When the police officer was done questioning us and taking down our full names and contact information, he assured Mrs. Daly that they would have an alert put out for Allison. “If she’s on foot, she didn’t go far. A lot of times teenagers who are upset are found at friends’ houses. We find they often cool off and come back on their own in less than twenty-four hours.” He slid his pen into the spiral of his notebook, handed each of us his card, and said he’d be in touch.

  While Mrs. Daly showed him to the door, Gina whispered, “Did you get a look at that cop? He’s hot.” She craned her neck to get one last look at his backend.

  “Hopefully he’s good at finding people too,” I said. “Because in case you forgot, Allison’s missing.”

  “I know that.” She frowned and shook her head. “I can’t believe Allison didn’t think to call me if she was that unhappy. I would have helped her. She could have lived with us, even.”

  “Except that we’re moving.” I couldn’t hide the bitterness in my voice. How was it that she was all over helping Allison and yet didn’t give a damn about her own daughter?

  “Well, there’s no way we’d move if Allison was going to live with us,” she said, my tone lost on her, apparently. “Because she’d need stability after everything she’s gone through.”

  “Allison would need stability? You have got to be kidding. What about me?” I gave her a WTF look. Her attitude was infuriating. “Lady, you are unbelievable.” I got out of my chair and stood over her.

  “What’s your problem, Rae?” She stood up too, and now we were eye to eye. Blake’s mother came back and opened her mouth to speak, then closed it when she saw us facing off.

  “My problem is you. I can’t believe you’d put off moving for Allison, when you wouldn’t do it for me, your own daughter.”

  Gina looked up at me, thick lashes framing big eyes. She was puzzled, was how it looked. How could she not know why this angered me? “Maybe this is a conversation we should have later on.”

  “It’s always later on with you,” I said. Nick got up to put a steadying hand on my shoulder.

  Mrs. Daly cleared her throat, which broke the tension. Wringing her hands, she said, “Would anyone like something to drink?”

  “No thank you,” Nick said. “I think we should probably get going.”

  “Okay then.” Relief showed in Mrs. Daly’s face. “Thank you for all your help. I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate it.”

  My mother got up and gave Mrs. Daly a hug. “Make sure you call as soon as you hear something, Meg.”

  “I will.” Mrs. Daly looked at Nick and me. “I feel just terrible about this. The psychiatrist said Allison was making such progress, and she seemed so much happier to me. She finally let me buy her some new clothes. We went shopping together and had such a good time. I just can’t believe she just up and left. I told her over and over again to ignore Blake. He’s used to being an only child, but I knew he’d adjust eventually.”

  “We’ll get her back,” Gina said. “It’ll work out.”

  Mrs. Daly didn’t look so sure. “I hope so.”

  Chapter 31

  Tell Me What You Really Think

  We drove behind my mother’s car all the way back to my apartment. “Did you want me to drop you off so you and your mother can talk?” Nick asked.

  “Are you kidding? I need you there or else I’ll kill her.”

  He chuckled deep in his throat, a real guy laugh. To me, his laughter was the exact sound of happiness. That and the feel of his arms was all I needed to survive.

  “It’s not that funny. I really want to kill her.”

  “I know. That’s what makes it funny.”

  We parked in the front and gave my mom some lead time so that when we walked in together, she’d already be there. And she was, there I mean, hands on her hips, which I knew meant trouble. I’d seen that position when she was telling off boyfriends, sniping at my grandmother, practicing “I quit” speeches for the employers she’d grown sick of.

  “Hi, Mom,” I said, all cheerful-like, so that I would seem like the calm, reasonable one.

  “Don’t even start with that.” Did she realize how bitchy she sounded? I resisted the urge to look at Nick. She took a step closer to me. “What the hell was your problem back there?”

  “What, I’m not entitled to speak my mind?”

  “I hardly thought it was appropriate to start a fight with me when Allison is missing. Can you imagine what poor Mrs. Daly is going through? She didn’t need to hear you making a big stink about something that hasn’t even happened yet.”

  This wa
s a whole new experience for me—we disagreed on occasion, but I never let it get heated. I spent my whole life having the cool mom, and I loved her, I really did, despite her crazy ways. In general I always went along with whatever she wanted, and if she got the least bit angry I always backed off.

  Maybe it was because Nick was standing next to me, or maybe because we were the same size, but suddenly I didn’t care anymore if she was pissed off. Let her be mad—I was mad too, so we were equal.

  “Okay,” I said, “I probably shouldn’t have said anything in front of Mrs. Daly, but I just lost it. How is it that we’re going to move again, even though I don’t want to, but for Allison you’d stay? You care more about some girl you just met than your own daughter? How is that supposed to make me feel?”

  “Now you’re talking stupid and being selfish, Rae. This conversation is over.” She turned around and stalked off to the kitchen.

  I followed, speaking to her back. “No, I’m not being selfish. I’m just telling you the way it is with me. What, I can’t say how I feel? If anything, that makes you the selfish one.”

  She picked up a pack of cigarettes off the table and rapped at the end until one slid out. “Comparing yourself to Allison is hardly fair. Allison is going through emotional hell. You are fine. You are always fine, and I resent the implication that our moving so much is somehow screwing up your life. You make friends easily, you do well in school—if anything, you should thank me. I stayed in one spot my whole childhood, and it was no walk in the park, believe me. It was the most joyless existence you can imagine. Everything the same, always the same. You, on the other hand, have lived everywhere, seen everything.” She snapped open her lighter and put a Marlboro between her lips. “I would have killed for that opportunity.” Putting the flame to the end of the cigarette, she inhaled until the tip glowed.