Beat of the Heart

by Katie Ashley

  In the end, I wasn’t like Abby and Lily—I’d been through too much heartbreak to be a strong enough woman for a rock star. And while I wanted to hate AJ, I couldn’t. More than anything, I wanted to feel like I was making a sacrifice for him—I cared about him enough to know he deserved someone better, someone who wasn’t emotionally crippled by their past.

  The doorbell ringing brought me out of my thoughts. On shaky legs, I followed Jack Sparrow down the hallway. With trembling hands, I threw open the front door. Dee pursed his lips at me before holding up one finger. “Baby girl, this better be hella important because I just left a partially satiated marine in my bed.”

  “I’m sorry. You know I wouldn’t have called you unless it was a matter of life and death.”

  Dee swept his hand to his chest. “Wait, something hasn’t happened to Duke, has it?”

  “No, it’s nothing like that.” I chewed my bottom lip, uncertain of how I was going to break the news to him.

  He growled in frustration. “Well, for fuck’s sake, Mimi. Spit it out!”

  Unable to speak, I thrust the dreaded white stick I was still clutching in his face. His nose wrinkled momentarily in confusion before he realized what it read. His deep brown eyes widened to the size of the salad plates at Mama Sofia’s. “Holy shit, you’re pregnant?”

  I’d been holding the waterworks back as long as I could with him. Just hearing Dee say the word ‘pregnant’ caused the dam to burst, and I began sobbing hysterically.

  “Hey now, don’t cry. Dee’s here.” He stepped into the foyer and wrapped his arms around me. Although I felt comforted by his gesture, it just made me cry even harder. Dee closed the front door behind us and steered me over to the couch. “Shh, it’s okay, Mimi,” he crooned, rubbing wide circles across my back.

  When I’d finally stop sobbing and my breath had started coming in hiccupping little pants, I pulled away to look at Dee. “I’m sorry for calling you away from the hot marine and then going psycho on you.”

  He kissed my cheek. “Don’t you dare apologize for either of those things. You’re my best friend in the whole, wide world, Mimi. When you need me, I’m here, no matter what condition you’re in.”

  My chin trembled at his words. “Thank you,” I murmured.

  “You’re welcome, luvie.” Taking my hand in his, he squeezed it tight. “So you know I gotta ask this next question. Is it…?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Of course it’s AJ’s.”

  Dee held his hands up defensively. “Well, excuse me that I don’t keep a GPS device on your vagina.”

  His comment made the corners of my lips quirk up in spite of how awful I felt. “After all these years, you should know that if there’s any action going on in my vagina, you usually know about it.”

  With a smirk, he replied, “Normally I would agree with you, but you just fucking blindsided me considering being pregnant is the biggest thing to hit your lady parts ever!”

  A snort escaped my lips. “Only you could make jokes at a time like this.”

  He grinned. “That’s why you need me.”

  “No, that’s why I love you,” I replied, my voice choking off with emotion.

  Dee gave me a quick peck on the lips. “I love you more, baby girl.” We sat in silence for a few minutes with the just the sound of Jack Sparrow’s purring and my sniffling echoing through the room. “So….you’re really pregnant?” He exhaled noisily. “What are you going to do about it?”

  “You mean am I going to keep it, give it up, or…?”

  “Or have an abortion.” He cupped my chin, forcing me to look at him. “You know that you can do that, right?”

  “I know I can, but…”

  “But what?”

  Unconsciously my hand went to rest against my abdomen. “I want this baby.”

  “Da fuck did you just say?” Dee asked incredulously.

  Overwhelmed by my emotions, I merely bobbed my head. In a way, I was as stunned as Dee was by my admission. When I was younger, I always saw myself married with children. I knew that someday I would want a baby—I just never imagined it would be now.

  Dee continued staring open-mouthed at me. “Mimi, you don’t know the first thing about raising a kid.”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I snapped, realizing just how quickly pregnancy hormones could have you expressing psycho emotions.

  Dee sighed. “Seriously, besides being around your cousins, you’ve never even acted like you cared for children that much.”

  “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be a good mother.” At his skeptical expression, I countered, “Have I ever once said I didn’t want to have kids someday?”

  “No, but—”

  “I’m in a good place in my life to have a baby.”

  Crossing his arms over his chest, he countered, “Unmarried and alone?”

  I huffed out a frustrated breath. “I meant, I’m twenty-eight, not eighteen. I’ve been to college—I have my masters. I make good money. I can support this kid.”

  “I’m not arguing with that, Mimi.”

  “Then what?” I knew if I was going to do this baby thing, I wanted and needed Dee’s support.

  Dee shrugged. “I dunno. It’s just hard for me to think of you with a kid.”

  Staring down at my hands, I thought of the one person who believed I would be a good mother. “Mama Sofia saw me with children.”

  “How do you know?”

  “She told me a few months before she died that one day I’d be a family matriarch just like she was. That she prayed to the saints to bless me with a family.” My throat burned with the sobs I tried desperately to choke down. The agony of grief once again wrapped me in its death-like vise as the hard realization that the one person I needed more than anything right now was gone.

  Dee reached over to cup my cheek. “Is that why you want this baby so much? Because you’re still so emotionally wrecked from Sofia’s death?”

  “Thanks for making me sound like a selfish nut-job,” I hissed.

  He groaned. “Jesus, if that test hadn’t told me you were pregnant, I’d know it from the crazy mood swings.”

  “I’m sorry. Truly, I am. But for whatever reason, I know I want to have this baby, no matter how hard it’s going to be.”

  Dee leaned back against the couch cushion, surmising my words. After what felt like a small eternity, he smiled. “Then, I’m happy for you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  With a squeal, I dove over to wrap my arms around his neck. I squeezed him tight. “Thank you, Dee. You make me so, so happy.”

  “Ease up, baby girl. I just said I was happy for you, not that I was gonna move in and help you raise the kid. Don’t even think about me changing shitty diapers.”

  I laughed. “I don’t care about any of that.”

  “Bullshit. You’ll change your tune and be expectin’ me to stay over nights or watch the kid during the day so you can get your beauty sleep.”

  Raising my brows, I countered, “And you just might find yourself so in love with my little spawn that you want to spend all of your free time here.”

  “Mmm, hmm, we’ll see about that.” But his lips did curve up in a smile like he was enjoying the thought of being around my baby.

  “If it’s a boy, I think I’ll name if after you. Derwin Martinelli has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?” I teased.

  Dee shook his head. “You should be thinking about naming it after its father.” He shot me a pointed look. “And just what about Mr. AJ? Where does he fit into all this?”

  The happy little bubble I’d built around myself deflated at the mention of him. Resting my elbows on my knees, I then cradled my head in my hands. “I don’t know.”

  “He needs to know, Mimi.”

  I peeked at Dee through my fingers. “I’m not sure after leaving him handcuffed to a shower that he’s going to be really glad to see me or want to hear the joyous news that he knocked me up.”

&nb
sp; “You won’t know until you talk to him.” When I snorted contemptuously, Dee shook his head. “AJ was a lot of things, but a total uncaring bastard wasn’t one of them.”

  Deep down, I knew he was right. AJ had too good a heart to ever be an asshole to me if I was pregnant with his child. My mind flashed back to that weekend at the farm—the way he had interacted with Jude and Melody. He was good with kids, and he would be a good father.

  With a resigned sigh, I nodded. “Okay, okay, I’ll get in touch with him.”

  “Good,” Dee replied.

  “But only after I’m through the first trimester.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “And why the fuck should you wait?”

  “I’ve got to be six weeks along as it is. It won’t hurt to wait to tell him until I know I’m not going to miscarry. That way I’ll know for sure that everything is okay with the baby before I ruin his life with the news.”

  “Or make him the happiest man on earth,” Dee countered.

  “Yeah, I’m not going to hold my breath on that one.”

  Dee crossed his arms over his chest and huffed out a frustrated breath. “Let’s call this what it really is. You’re afraid of becoming your mother.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You’re afraid that AJ is going to think you’re trying to trap him into marriage just like your gold-digging mother did with Duke.”

  I rolled my eyes. “She may have given birth to me, but she’s never been my mother. That role was Mama Sofia’s.”

  “Admit it, Mimi.”

  I threw up my hands in surrender. “Fine. Yes, of course I’m worried about that. How can I not be? After ignoring his initial text and calls, I show up after not seeing or talking to him for two months to tell him news that financially, if not emotionally, binds him to me for the rest of our lives?’ Yeah, call me crazy for worrying about that!”

  Dee’s eyes widened. “You never told me he tried to call or text you.”

  Shit. I had shamelessly kept that little tidbit of information to myself. Mainly because I was a bitch and knew it would make AJ appear more sympathetic to Dee. “Yeah, he did.” At Dee’s epically pissed pursed lips, I sighed. “He never came to see me or sent me flowers or anything. Just a few phone calls and texts. In the end, they didn’t change anything about our situation.”

  “If it weren’t for your delicate condition, I would spank you right now for being a withholding little cunt!”

  Grimacing, I covered my ears. “You know I hate that word.”

  Dee snorted. “Which is exactly why I used it.”

  “Testa di cazzo,” I grumbled.

  “Hey, truth hurts, baby girl.”

  “It doesn’t change anything really,” I repeated, more for myself than for him.

  Crossing his arms over his chest, he sighed. “Fine. But let’s get this straight. I’m going to be on your ass constantly about how far along you are. The instant you hit that second trimester mark, you’re going to find out where in the world AJ is, and we’re going there. ASAP. Got it?”

  “Yeah, I got it.”

  “Good.”

  I smiled at his smug expression. “I’m okay now if you need to get back to your marine.”

  “Hmm, maybe I could take him some dinner from Mama Sofia’s. On the house?”

  I nodded. “It would be my pleasure.”

  Dee rose off the couch. “Good. While I call him and see what he wants, you freshen up.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m going down there with you, so you can tell Duke the joyous news.”

  My breath hitched at the thought. “You don’t think I—”

  “Nope. You only get one ‘Get out of telling a dude I’m pregnant card’ and that goes to Mr. Baby Daddy.”

  I laughed. “Fine then. As long as you’re with me.”

  “Of course, I am, baby girl.”

  Rising off the couch, I kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

  When I pulled away, he grinned. “Now that I think about it, Mr. Marine and I are going to need some Tiramisu to go along with dinner—maybe some Mia’s Moose, too.”

  “As long as you don’t plan to tell me what you’re going to do sexually with that dessert, I’ll be happy to get it for you.”

  With a wink, Dee replied, “My lips are sealed.”

  The swarming noise of women’s chattering, shrieking, and giggling like idiots filled my ears. All the while the smell of sweat, cheap perfume, and beer stung my nose, making me nauseated. Somehow I found myself jostling around backstage at a Runaway Train concert. Abby and her brothers were already performing on stage. Her voice was the only soothing sound filling the air around me. “What are all these ho’s doing back here?” Dee asked, as we trailed along behind some random roadie.

  “I don’t think I want to know,” I muttered.

  “Hmmph,” he replied.

  After my three month check-up showed everything looked good with the baby, I booked a flight to Jersey City for both myself and Dee. It made the most sense to attend Runaway Train’s concert there, so we could stay with some of my dad’s relatives. When it came down to actually getting to AJ, I knew there was no way in hell I was reaching out to Abby or Lily. They would try to do some major intervention. I wanted it on my terms, in the least romantic way possible, which was why I planned to ambush him at a show. In the end, I knew there was one person who would help me without asking a lot of questions, and that was Frank. He had been thrilled to hear from me. I told him I wanted to surprise AJ and the others, and he promised to keep it a secret.

  He had left passes for us at the ticket office and then had the random roadie meet up with us at the gate. Now as we got closer to the inner sanctum, aka backstage, I could see Frank waiting at the top of a long hallway for us. With his usual beaming smile, he held out his arms to me. I leaned in to hug him as carefully as I could to conceal my growing bump. “You’re looking good,” I said as I pulled away.

  “Thank you. I’m feeling good, too.” He did a quick sweep of me from head to toe. “You’re looking mighty fine yourself.”

  “Aw, thank you.”

  His brows lined together as he surveyed me again. “You know, there’s something different about you.”

  I sucked in a breath and prayed he wasn’t about to go for the old, ‘you look like you’re glowing’ pregnancy cliché. “I’m seeing a nutritionist,” I blurted. When Dee gave me a funny look, I added, “Lots of vitamins and organic food—that sorta thing.”

  “Well, even though it doesn’t sound like much fun, you should totally keep doing it because you look absolutely beautiful.”

  “You’re too sweet,” I replied, shuffling my coat to cover my bump.

  Frank glanced down at his watch. “I better get you back there if you want to see the guys. It won’t be long before they’ll be taking the stage.”

  When Frank opened a door on the right side of the hallway, it took everything within me not to bolt and run. After all that had happened between us, how was I going to see AJ again? The last time he’d seen me I’d been handcuffing him to a shower in a fit of jealous rage. Now I was not only going to have to face him, but also tell him I was pregnant. Dee’s hand pressed against my shoulder blade and leaned in close to me. “You can do this, baby girl.”

  “Thanks,” I whispered.

  I finally stepped forward into the room on my trembling legs. People were milling around everywhere, but through the crowd, I immediately honed in on AJ. My heart did a ridiculous flip-flop as my stomach lurched into my throat.

  His back was to me, and he was encircled by a group of finely dressed men and women. It was certainly a change of pace to see men in suits and women in dresses. Unblinking and unmoving, I stared at AJ—remembering exactly what my fingers felt like in his dark hair and how it felt to grip onto his broad shoulders. To my horror, one of his arms was slung around a brunette’s waist while his other arm held her extended hand. As he pivoted around the group, I got a glimpse of him showing off som
ething on her hand.

  A ring.

  A very sparkly diamond ring on her left hand.

  The others around him were grinning, and I could read their lips saying, “Congratulations”.

  He was engaged.

  And although I couldn’t see her, I just knew the brunette had to be Kylie. Her hair color and her height were exactly the same.

  I whirled around to go and ran right into Dee. His gaze wasn’t on me, but instead, he was staring dumbfounded at AJ. “Oh motherfucking shit,” he muttered.

  “Let’s go!” I cried.

  When he remained rooted to the floor, I pounded his chest with one of my fists. “Move,” I ordered.

  “Don’t you want to—”

  “No, no, no! I just want to get the fuck out of here.” My voice choked out with the sobs that were racking my chest. Once I got out in the hallway, I collapsed back against a wall and then the hysterics overtake me.

  Dee pulled me into his strong embrace. “Mimi, you can still go talk to him.”

  “And ruin his life?” I hiccupped.

  “It might not be true. I mean, I haven’t heard anything in the news about him being serious about a girl.”

  I shook my head. “Their PR people kill any stories like that so they can appear more desirable to their female fans.” Pulling away, I wiped the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand. “Jesus, Dee, he had an arm around a girl sporting a fat-ass diamond. I think there is no other truth, but that he’s engaged.” Stormy emotions of anger, bitterness and regret raged through me. “God, I was so stupid to think he wouldn’t move on. Or more importantly go back to his old girlfriend.”

  Dee cupped my cheek. “I’m so fucking sorry, Mimi.”

  “It’s for the best really. He deserves to be happy.”

  “You could have made him happy,” Dee argued.

  “Not really. Not with all my baggage and shit. In the end, it would’ve been too much for him.”

  “So you’re never going to tell him about the baby?”

  Part of me wanted to conceal it from AJ forever. That way I wouldn’t have to ever see or hear from him ever again. But deep down, I knew that could never happen. He was a famous musician who would always be thrust in my face. At the same time, I knew I couldn’t deny my child its father.