Heart

by Higginson, Rachel

  “You want to go with me?” My voice was a whispered squeak. I ignored the warm burn in my belly and the way my skin tingled all over.

  “I’m going to go with you,” he countered.

  “It’s not safe.”

  “I never thought it would be.”

  “I don’t even know where I’m going.”

  “We’ll figure it out together.”

  “He might find us.”

  “I’ll kill him before I let him hurt you again.”

  My mouth went dry and I forgot how to breathe. “I thought you hated me.”

  He tore his gaze from mine and turned back to the horizon. “Do you think he’s watching my house?”

  “Yes,” I answered immediately. I let him change the subject because I had a feeling I was as anxious to hear his answer as he was to give it.

  He pulled out his cell phone and turned it on. I hadn’t realized it had been off, but now that it started ringing with all of his missed notifications and texts, I could see why he kept it shut down. It was really hard to field your popularity when an angry Greek god was chasing you.

  “Ah, shit,” he mumbled.

  “What?” I shouldn’t be so nosey, but after the day we had, I half expected Ryder to show me a text message with Nix’s long list of demands.

  1. Hand Ivy over.

  2. Hand Ivy over.

  3. Hand Ivy over before I burn this entire planet to the ground.

  Clearly I thought Nix had a one track mind.

  It wasn’t about Nix or even me though.

  “My dad’s been trying to get in touch with me all day,” Ryder explained. “I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m dead by now.”

  “You should probably call him,” I suggested.

  Ryder chewed on his bottom lip and stared at his phone. “It might be better to let him think I’m dead. I skipped my shift at the store. He’s going to kill me.”

  I tried not to laugh. And failed.

  “This is funny to you?” He raised an expectant eyebrow.

  “Well? Yeah, kind of. You did almost die today.”

  “I can see why you’re laughing.”

  “I’m just saying…” Shoot, what was I saying? “You’re right, it’s not funny. I’m just… exhausted. It’s been a long day. And yesterday was a long day. I think I’m a little delirious.”

  “We should probably figure out what to do for the night.” He sounded just as tired as I felt. He played with the cell phone in his hands and I could see the indecision flicker over his face. He had no idea what to say to his dad. He’d just told me he planned to stay with me, but now that the moment was here, he couldn’t follow through with it.

  To be honest, I was relieved that he figured this out now, instead of when we were already on the road. And I was happy he’d come to this conclusion.

  Okay… not happy exactly. But at least relieved.

  He shouldn’t have to give up a family that loved and supported him. He shouldn’t have to give up his future and his friends and all of the good things he had going on in his life.

  I was a dead end. The sooner he realized that, the better.

  “What are you going to tell your dad?” I asked in a strangled whisper. I had known the ugly truth about who I was for my entire life. But knowing it for all of these years didn’t soften the blow when moments like this happened.

  Not for the first time, my mind jumped to all of those beautiful places where Ryder and I could be together, where we never separated to begin with. I imagined my life if I was a normal girl, if I was a girl untouched by tragedy and trauma, if I was a girl that wasn’t meant to bring down a Greek Pantheon or be a slave to the sex-trafficking industry for the rest of her days. I imagined what it would have been like for Ryder and me to have met under normal teenage circumstances where we could have fallen in love without the pressure of my curse hanging over our heads and the twisting knife of fate stabbing our hearts.

  I imagined what my life would have been like if I hadn’t left Ryder at the hospital, if I would have stayed with him and let him fight my destiny with me.

  I imagined what it would be like for him to still love me.

  “The truth,” Ryder answered. “I’m going to tell him the truth.”

  “Wait-”

  “He knows, Ivy. He knows everything.” Ryder slowly lifted his gaze to meet mine. “I told him the entire saga as soon as I knew you weren’t coming back. He had already known the majority of it. I didn’t see the point in holding anything back.”

  My frantic thoughts tripped over each other as I tried to figure out where to start. “Did he… How did he… What did he think?”

  “He was pretty disappointed that he couldn’t sue Nix for all he was worth.”

  “And he hates me.”

  “He’s worried about you. We didn’t know what happened to you, Ivy. We’ve been expecting the worst for months.”

  A fresh pang of guilt hit me. “What will he think now?”

  “He won’t have to think,” Ryder answered. “When I told him everything about you and your world, I also made it clear what would happen if you ever came back. He’s been ready for this for as long as you’ve been gone.”

  “You made it clear that…?”

  “That if you came back and it wasn’t safe yet, I would go with you this time.” He sounded so casually confident while he delivered a blow that left me breathless.

  My mouth went dry and my heart stuttered. “Oh, right.”

  He picked up his phone and waved it at me, “I’m going to…”

  “Right.”

  He dialed his dad and immediately started explaining. I sat stewing with my emotional turmoil while I listened to him give his dad all of the dirty details over the last twenty-four hours.

  I expected his dad to yell at him or demand he come straight home, but it didn’t sound like any of that was happening. Ryder never raised his voice or got defensive. Instead, he had a very reasonable conversation with his dad that ended in I love yous and promises to call soon.

  “He’s going home to look for my passport,” Ryder explained after he hung up the phone. “Once he finds it, we’ll figure out how to grab it from him and where to book our flight.”

  “He’s really cool with all of this?” No matter what Ryder said, I could not believe his dad was just fine with letting his only son go.

  “He’s not cool with any of it.” Ryder ran a hand through his riotous hair and shot me an impish grin. “But I’m eighteen now. There’s not a whole lot he can do.”

  “Ryder-”

  “Don’t, Ivy. I… It’s hard enough for me, okay? Why don’t you try to get some rest? I’ll wait for him to call me back, then we’ll figure out what to do next.”

  The day must have caught up with me or maybe it was Ryder’s constant back and forth that gave me whiplash strong enough to jar my filter out of place. Or maybe I had just had enough.

  Whatever it was that pushed me over the edge made it impossible to stay quiet for a second longer. “I get that I hurt you,” I snapped at him. “I get that I messed up and ruined your trust forever and all of that. I get it. Believe me. But you can’t keep doing this!” His eyes grew wide with confusion, so I growled with frustration, but slowed down my outburst long enough to explain it to him. “You can’t keep icing me out at the same time you make these huge sacrifices for me. You’re cold, then hot, and then right back to frigid! I can’t keep up and it’s giving me a headache. So pick. Pick which one you’re going to be and let’s just commit to it.” His eyebrows disappeared into his hairline and I started to think the tick in his jaw might be strong enough to break some teeth, but I was too furious to stop now. “Do you want to hate me? Or do you want to save me? Because honestly, at this point, I can’t tell and it’s driving me crazy!”

  His lips twitched and I swore on everything that was ancient, if he laughed, I was going to jump out of this car and take my chances with Nix. “You’re right,” he finally admitted. “I have been
sending mixed signals and I should apologize. It’s probably because I want both of those things and I’m not getting my way no matter what. I should have known it would be like this with you.”

  “What is that supposed to mean!” I didn’t mean to scream like a harpy, but he was turning me into one!

  “I want to save you, Ivy, but it’s not that easy! And I want to hate you! Believe me, I want to hate you so bad. But, I can’t. And that’s what’s driving me crazy! You’re driving me crazy!”

  My head nearly exploded with frustration. I felt the pressure building like too much air in a balloon. “Nope. I do not accept that! You’re driving me crazy!”

  We stared at each other for a hot second. I panted breathlessly. My vision narrowed to include only Ryder. I took in his sharp jawline covered in a day’s worth of stubble, his full lips, and slightly crooked nose. I focused on his untamed, rebellious hair and then my eyes fell to those gunmetal grays that glittered with just as much emotion as I felt pumping through my veins.

  We collided in the center of the Bronco. His lips crashed against mine at the same time my arms flew around his neck. Our kisses were punishing, bruising, almost violent, but neither of us slowed down. I lost all conscious thought as soon as his lips touched mine and I only continued to slip into the madness brought on by this staggering passion.

  I nipped at his bottom lip roughly and his hands slammed on my waist, hauling me as tightly against his chest as he could. His kisses were demanding with their intensity, but each one lit a fire beneath my skin that threatened to burn me alive.

  I had never been kissed like this before.

  I didn’t even know kisses like this existed.

  All I could think about was Ryder’s lips moving against mine, his tongue tangling with mine, his warm palms slipping beneath my tank top. All I could feel was his skin against mine, the heat of his mouth, the possessive sweetness of his hands, the utter destruction his body demanded from mine.

  He was the place my mind always went to, the place my soul called home.

  He was the place my heart called love.

  And I had been without him too long.

  “Ivy.” My name was a prayer whispered on his lips.

  I whimpered in response, knotting my fingers through his wild hair. I let myself get lost in the feel of him against me, the taste of him, the pressure of his body against mine.

  God, how had I lived without this for so long? How had I ever given this up?

  He slowed us down until his lips moved with an aching tenderness that shot straight to my belly and wrapped around my bones until I felt safer in this moment than I had in the entire last year I’d spent on my own. I shook with emotion as I tried to pour into this kiss everything I still felt for this man.

  Everything I had always felt for him.

  His grip on my hips relaxed until he could slide his palms up my back and draw me impossibly closer against his chest. Our mouths knew exactly where to go and how to slant. They had memorized each other all those months ago in a way that I would never forget.

  My heart raced in my chest. It beat so fast I was afraid I would black out. My blood tingled with the heat of our connection and the anticipation for what was to come. I never wanted to leave this moment. If this became my forever, I would be happy to live out my days here.

  With Ryder.

  With his touch.

  With his open heart that had always beat so steadily.

  With his soul full of conviction and beauty.

  With his mind that was untouched by the ugliness of my world and bent to things that were moral and right and good.

  With him. I was just content to be with him.

  Sometimes, when I was at my lowest or so utterly alone that I thought I could shatter to pieces and nobody would notice, I would imagine a safe place for me to go. I would picture a place where Nix couldn’t reach me or find me or touch me. I would be free from the Pantheon and Olympus, from the horrors of my past and my mother and anything that wanted to harm me.

  I would know freedom in a way that I never had before.

  That place was always Ryder.

  When I lay in my bed in the darkest hours of the night, curled into myself, with no hope, no future, and no change in sight, I would close my eyes and remember Ryder. My safe place wasn’t a place at all, but this incredible man that had changed my life so irrevocably.

  As Ryder’s warm, soft lips moved over mine with such intimate affection, I realized I would have always come back to him.

  I would never have been able to deny myself this forever. I would have eventually given into the memories and the aching of my heart.

  Because it was worth it.

  Ryder was worth it.

  A sharp ringing sang through the quiet cab and brought reality with it. I jumped from the sudden, obnoxious ring and Ryder immediately pulled away.

  His cellphone continued to scream while we stared at each other from three inches apart, both breathless and panting. My arms were still wrapped around his neck and his hands were still buried beneath the hem of my tank top.

  I ran my tongue over my bottom lip, desperate to savor the taste of him for a moment longer. His eyes tracked that movement and I felt his body harden underneath my touch. He moved forward an inch before his phone stopped ringing.

  The silence was almost as strong as the noise. I let out a shaking breath before jumping again when the phone started ringing a second time.

  “Holy shit,” he groaned. “I’m coming. Geez.”

  He retracted his hands and sunk back to his seat. I felt the loss of him immediately. I wanted nothing more than to climb into his lap and resume whatever that was.

  He picked up his phone and answered it. As he said hello to his dad, I tried to calm down and return my breathing to normal.

  I turned in my seat and melted into the soft upholstery. My fingers fluttered to my lips as if they were physically trying to hold the feel of Ryder’s mouth on mine for as long as they could.

  I closed my eyes and let this beautiful feeling wash over me and sink into my bones.

  I had missed this. I had missed it more than I knew you could miss something. And not just the physical affection from Ryder, but the trust and desire that came along with his affection.

  I had been convinced I would never get to experience that again. When I made the decision to leave, I knew it was a very real possibility that I would never see Ryder again, let alone kiss him again.

  I gave up everything real and substantial with him for freedom. I left him and the lovely thing that was between us so that I could get away from Nix. It had been selfish and devastating. It had destroyed me.

  But in my defense, when I left him, I didn’t think a happy ending was possible, no matter what happened. We cared for each other, but eventually I would have destroyed that. Eventually, my curse would have poisoned our relationship.

  Or worse, my curse would have killed him.

  And if I didn’t do it, Nix would have eventually found us and finished the job himself.

  “He found my passport,” Ryder declared, breaking into my thoughts.

  “That’s good news,” I whispered.

  “We need to meet him somewhere so I can pick it up.”

  “What if Nix follows him?”

  “We have a plan,” Ryder explained. “I think it will work, but if it doesn’t, then we have a backup plan.”

  “Okay.”

  “Ivy.” The tone of Ryder’s voice made me turn to him.

  The deep rumble of his concern washed over my skin and I closed my eyes from the force of it. When I opened them, I met his silver eyes and let his presence hit me all over again like a blast of a hurricane wind or the tremor of a violent earthquake. Ryder’s attention held the strength of a natural disaster and the depth of the ocean. Whenever he focused on me completely it was a physical thing that permanently changed me.

  “Yes?”

  “I’m not going to let him get to you again,”
he swore. “He will not touch you unless you want him to. Yeah?”

  I had a lifetime of fear compounded in my chest. Anxiety had been my constant companion long before I ever ran away. I knew what it was like to tremble because of another man’s mere presence. And yet, when Ryder made his promises and told me that Nix would not come near me unless I wanted him to… I believed him.

  “Yeah.”

  His full lips lifted in a soft smile. He watched me for several long moments waiting for me to back down or call him on the impossibility of Nix ever finding me, but when I didn’t his expression grew even more peaceful.

  “Alright, let’s go meet my dad and then we’ll get as far away from this city as humanly possible.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  Chapter Ten

  We met his dad on the outside of town at a gas station near the airport. It was dark by the time we had driven back to Omaha and decided nobody had followed us.

  The bright lights from inside the building spilled onto the pavement outside and lit up the lot with glaring intensity. The place was pretty busy. There was a constant stream of customers coming and going. Nobody paid attention to us in the darkened corner of the lot. They were all too preoccupied with the monotony of their own lives.

  I watched them with a jealousy I couldn’t hide. I wanted that kind of simplicity. I wanted to be able to stand in the middle of a crowded place and tap away on my phone without worrying that someone would be magically attracted to me and try to take advantage of me or that someone would recognize me and report back to Nix and suddenly his army would swoop down on me and drag me away to the Underworld. I wanted out of my life and away from a Pantheon of gods that wanted to destroy me in one way or the other.

  I wondered if Ryder was my way out. He was determined to come with me. I didn’t want him in any more trouble, but he was right. This was his decision. He was eighteen and could do as he pleased.

  “He’s here,” Ryder announced.

  I watched his dad pull next to us in a dated Subaru and ignored the nervous butterflies that took flight in my belly.

  I was terrified to see his dad after all of this time. I couldn’t imagine Nate Sutton had much love for me after I nearly got his son killed and then abandoned him to save myself. Plus, I could only imagine what he thought after Ryder had been completely honest with him.