Pull At My Heart

by Ellie Malouff

  I nod and then reach for a condom in my nightstand. She grabs my hand and puts it on her hip. “I’m safe, Eoghan. I’m protected. I want to feel you.”

  “I want to feel you, too, more than anything,” I tell her, and sit up so that we are chest to chest and I can kiss her, slow and deep. I bite on to her bottom lip and pull it into my mouth. She leans back and I follow. The ends of her hair graze against my thighs and a strangled sound escapes me. I let go of her lip and bring her back up roughly. “I want you to be mine,” I growl.

  “I am, Eoghan. Always in my heart. Give this to me, please.”

  Juliana lifts up on her knees, and with my cock in her hand, she positions it in just the right spot so that she can lower herself onto it. It’s a slow journey, at first. She continues to be quite tight for me. Her slick warmth is almost more than I can bear, especially with nothing between us. I squeeze her hips with a lot of force, but I do my very best to let her move on me at her own pace. At least for now.

  Her wild hair is gorgeously framed around her face, her eyes are closed, and her ripe mouth is open as she absorbs the sensation of us joined together like this. I burn the image into my memory, because I never want to forget her like this. When there’s no more room left inside her, she opens her eyes and I see fire. My jaw sets as she begins to move, lifting up and coming back down harder and harder. I wrap her hair around my wrist and pull her head back, exposing her neck. Like a wild man, because that is what she makes me, I press my tongue against her throat and lick up her neck and then along her jaw, enjoying the taste of her skin and the way she whimpers as I do it.

  She pushes me back down and plants her hands on my chest. My eyes screw tightly closed as she starts her motion. It’s all in the rhythm of her hips and the way she smoothly lifts herself off and then takes me in her, again and again. Ecstasy doesn’t do it justice. I make myself open my eyes and watch, because I don’t want to miss anything. Our gazes lock for a brief moment and then my focus is on her trembling bottom lip. She’s about to come apart and it takes everything in me not to do the same before she gets there.

  Juliana’s breathing gets harsher and her movements get more frantic. Suddenly, her whole body stiffens and she holds her breath. I hold her tightly in place and watch as she magnificently comes, my name slipping from her swollen lips as she collapses onto my chest. I don’t wait long, I can’t. I flip her onto her back so I can take my pleasure. And I do, vigorously so, filling her in a way that I’ve never done before with any other woman. In a way that I never want to do with any other woman ever. Only with her. Only with Juliana.

  Black Friday

  Julie

  Like the bottom of an olive tree, Eoghan and I are wrapped around each other in the early morning. He’s fast asleep and holding me possessively, as if he knows the truth about how I’m leaving. He doesn’t know. Not yet.

  As much as I’d love to stay locked against his body, I’m much too hot and I have to pull away. My body commands that I do this, but I deny it. I wait as long as possible to disconnect, because I’m afraid this is the last time I’ll ever wake up with him in my arms. Finally, when I can truly take no more, I carefully unravel myself limb by limb from his form, trying my hardest not to wake him.

  I am not successful.

  He stirs and slowly opens his eyes. “Hey,” he says, his voice dry.

  “Hey,” I whisper, and turn over on my side to face him.

  “What time is it?”

  “Not sure,” I say, but notice dull sunlight creeping through the window.

  He runs his hand down my arm, all the way to my hip, and squeezes. His brown beaded bracelets press into my skin. I twirl a bead between two fingers and without much thought, ask, “Why do you wear these?”

  He lifts his hand off my hip and looks at them, as if he’s never really considered them before.

  “I don’t know,” he says. “I just started one day and haven’t stopped.”

  “Oh,” I reply, a little sad that there isn’t more to the story. “Where did you get them?”

  “Baja.”

  “The trip you went on with Liam?”

  “The very same.”

  A smile lifts from my lips. “I love picturing you there, so close to my home.”

  His eyes shine as he gazes up at me, and my heart cracks. How can I possibly leave him?

  “It was grand, an amazing experience. I felt so free then.”

  “Free? What do you mean?”

  He laughs a little and then says, “I know you won’t believe it, lass, but even I like to get away from Cork sometimes.”

  That makes me laugh. “You’re right, I don’t believe it.”

  He squeezes me again and smiles, then looks down at his bracelets. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that it was nice to be away from all this responsibility—of the pub and taking care of my family. All I had to do was worry about meself, ya know?”

  “Mmm,” I say in agreement and look down at my knees, because I know he does too much for everyone else. He does too much for me.

  He lifts my chin and makes me meet his eyes.

  “These bracelets remind me to be selfish sometimes. To go after what I want.”

  “What do you want?” I ask, afraid of his answer, because if he answers how I think he might, I won’t be able to give it to him.

  “I want you,” he whispers and puts his hand into my hair. “All of you.”

  “I want you too, more than you’ll ever know,” I tell him.

  And then he whispers, “Tá mo chroí istigh ionat.”

  “What does that mean?”

  He giggles a little. “It means, my heart is in you.”

  I smile.

  “What I’m trying to say is that I love you, lass, very much.”

  The time has come. I have to tell him about my job and about moving back to San Diego. I can’t let him think for another second that he can have all of me, when we’re going to be thousands of miles apart. “Eoghan, I, um—”

  But I don’t get my chance. There’s a large crash and the sound of glass shattering out in the living room, followed up by a lot of frantic voices.

  “What the…?” Eoghan jumps out of bed and puts on a pair of pants and marches out of his bedroom. I do the same, donning his t-shirt I slept in last night and a pair of his clean boxer shorts.

  I’m the last one out to see what’s going on. Ruth, Dylan, Cara, and Eoghan are all standing around Reid, who’s holding the handle to the coffee pot. Just the handle.

  “Don’t move,” Ruth says. “There’s glass everywhere.”

  Eoghan, Ruth, and Dylan go into action to clean it up, seemingly pros at broken glassware, while Reid stands still in the mess he’s made.

  “Why don’t you leave the coffee making to me, baby,” Cara jokes, and Reid raises one eyebrow at her before breaking into a smile.

  I pull Cara aside. “So, Mr. Darcy’s not so perfect after all.”

  She scoffs. “Not by a long shot, but God, I love him.”

  My arm goes around her shoulders, so happy for my friend and sad for myself.

  “My apologies,” Reid says.

  “My hangover doesn’t forgive you,” Dylan says and rubs his head.

  “I was just trying to make us some coffee.”

  “It’s all right, we can make it downstairs,” Eoghan says as he dumps the broken glass into an empty box he fished out of the trash. “How about some pancakes?”

  There’s a collective sound of approval. What I know, that they don’t, is that Eoghan makes the best pancakes in the world. And I’m going to miss them so fucking much. I’m going to miss all of this so much. This flat, this group of friends all together, this life, and Eoghan. Above all else, Eoghan.

  As the room erupts into a ton of chatter, I stand on the outside looking in, admiring it all while I can. No one knows the truth yet and it’s killing me to hold it back, but I just want to enjoy this for as long as possible. Only the joy I feel is fleeting and my heart
break is back. I must look exactly how I feel in this moment, because Cara notices and comes over.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  My head shakes as tears well in my eyes. Thank God, Eoghan is turned away from me. When I tell him, we have to be alone.

  “Julie, what is it?”

  “You know that call last night?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Jesus, I’ve messed up so badly,” I mutter.

  She squeezes my hand. Her eyes are alarmed. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m being sent back to San Diego.”

  “What? Are you serious?”

  All I can do is nod my head.

  “When?”

  “I don’t know, they’re making the travel arrangements, but soon.”

  “Oh my God, why?”

  “Why do you think? It’s Aiden. He, um…” I look over at Eoghan and he glances up at me as he whisks the batter. I put on the happiest face I can muster and turn back to Cara. “He’s basically punishing me.”

  “He can’t do that.”

  “Well, he has.”

  “You need to talk to HR.”

  “It won’t make a difference,” I offer as an answer and look back at Eoghan.

  Cara sees me do it and asks, “Does Eoghan know yet?”

  My throat tightens up. “No, not yet.”

  “You’ve got to tell him.”

  “I know, I know. I will. Later today, when we’re alone.”

  “Maybe you should just quit?”

  “Cara, I can’t. I don’t have that luxury,” I tell her and I know she reads me perfectly well, because even though her own finances have changed so much because of the inheritance she recently received, it wasn’t long ago that she was in my shoes, completely saddled with student loans and credit card debt.

  “Reid and I, we could—”

  “Stop, don’t even say it,” I tell her. “I can’t take your money. You know that.”

  She pauses a moment and bites on her lower lip. “Yeah, I get it. But this is your life, Julie. You’ve built such an amazing life here. Can you find a different tech company to work at? I’ve heard they have so many in Cork.”

  “They do, but it doesn’t work that way. I’m American. The only thing I could do is…” But I don’t complete my sentence. I can’t afford to even entertain the idea of becoming a professional photographer. That’s a pipe dream.

  Cara knows me so well, I suspect she understands when I don’t go on. “Well, whatever you decide to do, I’m here for you. I’ll always be,” she says and hugs me.

  “Thank you,” I say. As I hold her, I watch Eoghan watching me, and pray that my heart and his makes it through this.

  When the pancakes are ready, we all sit around eating in the living room. Both Eoghan and I are on the floor cross-legged, our knees touching.

  “Is everything all right, lass? I saw you talking to Cara.”

  I can’t meet his eyes. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

  “So, what happened last night, Eoghan?” Ruth asks.

  “I think that’s a question for the two of you,” he answers and nods at Dylan and Ruth, who are still quite chummy, to my surprise.

  Last night, while Eoghan was gone, Ruth and Dylan got pretty smashed. She was dancing on the bar, and then we were all dancing on the floor, and then Ruth basically mauled Dylan and they started grinding on each other. One thing led to another, and they were making out like teenagers.

  I honestly thought it was the alcohol last night, but maybe not. They give each other a knowing look and then Ruth laughs that magnificent laugh of hers.

  “Don’t change the subject, Murrough,” Dylan says.

  I’m now very curious about what Eoghan was up to last night, too. I didn’t look at the clock when he came home, but it felt really late.

  “Well, lads, believe it or not, I delivered Brigid’s baby in the car.”

  My jaw drops, exposing the bite of pancake I’d just put in. I quickly chew and swallow so I can ask a million questions. The gang beats me to it and a flurry of questions come at once.

  “You delivered her baby?” asks Ruth.

  “How on earth did you manage that?” asks Dylan.

  “Are you a secret doctor?” asks Cara.

  “What is the state of your car?” asks a mortified Reid, which makes everybody laugh.

  “Yes,” Eoghan answers, “I delivered her baby. And I only barely managed it. She guided me. And no, I’m not a secret doctor, and my car…well, it’s been cleaned. Thoroughly.”

  “Are they all right?” I ask.

  He meets my eyes and apologizes. “I’m sorry I didn’t mention this last night. Yes, mother and baby are fine.”

  “So, what happened?”

  “Well, simply put, the baby came fast. I didn’t believe it at first when Brigid gripped on to my shoulder like a vice and begged me to pull over. I was determined to get her there, but she wouldn’t have it. She took off her, em…undergarments,” he says, and turns bright red, “and that’s when I knew she was serious. I pulled over, somewhere by the train station. I called for an ambulance, but they didn’t come fast enough. Somehow—and it’s a blur—she managed to make it happen and I managed to be helpful. Thank God, the ambulance came right after, because I didn’t have anything to cut the umbilical cord.”

  Dylan and Reid both groan, and the ladies groan at their groan. Eoghan softly laughs at us all.

  “It was quite an experience,” he says quietly and I can tell that the experience changed him, but I’m not quite sure how.

  “Sounds like it. I’m so glad you could help her,” I say and loop my arm around his. He shares a shy smile with me and I lose my breath.

  Sensing Eoghan’s story is complete, everyone gets up and starts cleaning up. We stay on the floor.

  “I rode in the ambulance with her,” he tells only me. “And when she got situated in her room, she told me to tell you to come visit.”

  Knowing that it might be the last time I’ll ever see her, my heart cracks a little bit more. “I will,” I tell him and try to keep my composure. “Did you come home right after?”

  He shakes his head. “Seán called me.”

  “Oh?”

  “My dad didn’t come home last night,” he says, and then chews on the inside of his cheek. “So I went to stay with him. My mam slept through it, I guess.”

  “Oh,” I say again, guessing what happened. “He’s gambling again?”

  “What other explanation could there be?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe that’s not it.”

  “Juliana,” he says and shakes his head.

  “You should hear him out first.”

  “I will ya,” he says sarcastically.

  “That means you won’t, right?”

  “Right.”

  My eyes close involuntarily as I pray that Eoghan is wrong about his dad. The last thing Eoghan needs is family drama on top of what’s about to happen between us. Guilt overwhelms me. Before he can catch on, Eoghan asks, “Don’t you need to get to work?”

  The question is like an electric shock. There’s no job for me to go to in Ballycoom anymore. I just have to go pick up my stuff. I can’t explain this to Eoghan, not with all these people here.

  “I’m gonna take a half day, so I can go visit Brigid.”

  Eoghan’s eyes narrow. “Aren’t you worried about your job?”

  “It will be fine,” I tell him, and then lean over to give him a swift kiss on the lips.

  The distraction works.

  “I’ll get dressed so I can take you,” he says and leans forward to get up.

  I stop him, because that is the last thing that I can have happen. “I’m going to ask Cara if they can take me today. That way, I can spend more time with her.”

  “Oh,” he says, a little disappointed. “Okay, lass. I should probably go track down my dad anyway.”

  “Let me know if you need help,” I tell him, and he lifts an eyebrow. I should clarify. “Aft
er work.”

  He nods once and then stands up and reaches out his hand for me. I put my hand in his and he pulls me to my feet and right into a single heartfelt kiss.

  One good thing about hospitals is that it’s pretty easy to find tissues when you need one, and at this point, I’m definitely in need of one since tears are spilling down my face. I just said goodbye to Cara and Reid, who are off to England to take care of some estate business. I hate goodbyes. What’s worse is that this goodbye shouldn’t have been hard. Christ, I’m going to see Cara and Reid back in San Diego soon. If this was hard, what will it be like later? Later, when I…

  My eyes shut and I take a deep breath, refusing to complete that thought.

  The maternity wing isn’t so hard to find, thankfully. After checking in, I take a seat in the waiting room, because the doctor is in visiting with Brigid and her newly expanded family. I’m a little restless, so I pull out my phone to catch up on the world, but stop short of checking CloudSoft email. At this point in time, I could give zero fucks about CloudSoft.

  The same cannot be said for my personal email account. There are another two emails since yesterday inquiring about my photography services. I scan through all the messages I’ve received from people requesting studio time with me and shake my head. Disappointment is an understatement. I’m gutted about this. My sniffling captures the attention of an elderly woman sitting across from me. She’s wearing a dark gray dress and decked out in religious jewelry. She might be a nun or something like that, and when I look closer, I see she’s gripping a set of weathered rosary beads. I must have interrupted her prayers, because she’s glaring at me like I’m watching YouTube videos on full blast or something.

  “I’m sorry,” I start. “I didn’t mean to disrupt you.”

  For some reason, her entire demeanor changes and a smile appears on her lips. “Are you American? I love Americans.”

  “I am.”

  “On holiday?”

  This is usually the part where I tell people that I’m American but I live here now. I don’t do that this time. “I guess I am.”

  “Are you enjoying yourself in our country?” she asks so genuinely, it makes my heart ache.