Pull At My Heart

by Ellie Malouff

  “More than I could ever describe.”

  This makes her smile so wide, I notice that she’s missing quite a few teeth.

  “Sorry about the weather,” she says.

  “It’s lovely.” It’s on the cold and wet side today, but it is so lovely to me.

  “We have all four seasons in a day,” she says.

  “That’s true.”

  “How long are you here for?”

  “Not much longer,” I have to tell her.

  “Will you come back?”

  “I hope so,” I answer, and feel tears forming again.

  “We’d love to have you back anytime. Céad mile fáilte.”

  “Thank you,” I say and smile, but I’m left reeling from those familiar words. I’ll never forget the first time Eoghan said them to me, the day we met.

  “Brigid and baby can see you now,” a nurse says from the doorway.

  I nod my goodbye to the old woman and follow the nurse to Brigid’s room. As the door swings open, I’m greeted with a huge smile.

  “Come in, come in,” Brigid says enthusiastically. She looks bright and cheery, and not at all like a woman who gave birth in the backseat of a car last night. She’s cradling her new son close to her, and I figure that’s why.

  “Hi,” I say quietly, but I’m pretty damn excited.

  “Meet Colin.”

  I lean over the bed and take a look at his little pink puffy face. I don’t even try to suppress my smile. I’m melting inside.

  “Oh my God,” I whisper dramatically. “I love him.”

  Brigid beams with pride and love. “Us too. We’re completely in love with him,” she says, not nearly as quiet.

  “Isn’t he handsome, in his cute blue cap?” I gush. And then I gush some more and some more. Once the gushing is out of my system, I take a seat beside her bed and let out a big breath. “Eoghan told me what happened. I’m sorry I didn’t go with you.”

  She waves it off. “It was fine. Your man, Eoghan, though. What a saint.”

  “Yeah, he’s pretty amazing like that.” I’m on the verge of losing it, because what I said is the absolute truth and I’m about to destroy him. I try to move on, “How’d Niall handle missing out?”

  “I told him there’d be more and to get over it,” she says, followed by an ornery giggle. “But I do think he’s forever grateful to Eoghan.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yes. So much so, we’ve named him Colin Michael Eoghan O’Brian.”

  And that’s the final straw. I’m so overwhelmed by my love for Eoghan that I lose all self-control and start sobbing in front of Brigid and Colin Michael Eoghan O’Brian.

  Brigid wastes no time and gently lays Colin down in the bedside bassinet, and then turns to me. “My God, what’s wrong, Julie?”

  “It’s Aiden,” I say, going right to the heart of the matter.

  Something changes in Brigid’s face, just like always when I bring up his name. “What did the bastard do?”

  “He’s sending me back to San Diego.”

  “No!”

  “Yes,” I say, and then put my head down onto her bed and cry. It’s the first time I’ve really let myself go about this.

  “He can’t just do that, can he?”

  I lift up my head and shrug my shoulders.

  “When, Julie?”

  “This weekend some time.”

  “No,” she says again quietly. “No, this isn’t right. What did he do to you? Tell me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Did he do something inappropriate to you?” she asks, dead serious.

  Some internal protective mechanism stops me from telling her. “It’s so complicated.”

  “Don’t be afraid. Something happened to me, too,” she says.

  “What?” I ask in disbelief.

  “Aiden is a vile person.”

  “What did he do to you?” And I know it’s hypocritical, but I need to feel safe about this.

  “When Niall and I were still dating, we had a momentary blip in our relationship. We weren’t exactly together and we weren’t exactly apart,” she says with shame. “I was really upset about the whole thing and everyone in the office knew it. Well, at the Christmas party, CloudSoft rented out this pub in Kinsale. It was a wild time, to say the least. Everyone was plastered, especially me. Aiden and I had always gotten along, and well, I don’t know, I was just feeling so crummy about everything…”

  “And you hooked up?” I ask, trying to take off some of the pressure.

  She nods, unable to meet my eyes.

  “What happened after?” I ask, because I’m certain that this is where the story really goes off course.

  “Well, I really regretted the encounter and when we talked, I told him that. He also acted as if he regretted it and so we both agreed that we would never speak of it again.”

  “But then?”

  Tears form in her eyes. “They made him my boss. I didn’t really feel like that was appropriate since we’d been together. So, I talked to him about it first. He flew off the handle, telling me that over his dead body would I mess this up for him. And he started threatening me, saying that if I said a word about it to HR, he’d take me down with him. That he’d ruin my reputation and I couldn’t have that. I was trying to get back together with Niall. We were starting to see each other again.”

  “Oh, Brigid. What did you do?”

  “I did what I had to do,” she says and shakes her head in regret.

  “How long was he your boss?”

  “For the worst four months of my life. He found little ways to punish me—with horrible work assignments, or if he got me alone, he’d say lewd things, not exactly about me or aimed at me, but about himself and his sex life. It was disgusting.”

  “Why did you stay?”

  “Why does anyone stay?” she asks and looks at me. “I needed the money. But trust me, I was looking elsewhere. Thankfully, he got promoted up again, just like always, and he left me alone. I figure he either got bored of me or was scared because he had more to lose.”

  “What a fucking asshole,” I say and shake my head. “It makes me wonder who else he’s done this to.”

  “Me too,” she says. “So, what did he do to you?”

  I take a deep breath and start all the way at the beginning and explain how we were really friendly and that I always thought it was professional, until it wasn’t. I tell her about the drunken kiss and how I let him do it.

  “He has a way with women. Don’t feel bad about that, you’re only human,” she says.

  “I know, but after that everything changed. Eoghan and I…”

  “You fell in love,” she says and smiles.

  “Yeah, I suppose we did, but it was more than just Eoghan. Aiden started treating me differently. First, he was touching me inappropriately and showing up at the pub sometimes and making me very uncomfortable. I kept resisting, but once he found out that Eoghan and I were together, he started to punish me. He started to document my work behavior and copy HR. He systematically ruined my career in Cork and made it entirely plausible for him to send me back to San Diego without a real way to fight it. I should have just reported it right away,” I say with total regret.

  “Does Eoghan know?” she asks.

  “Not yet. I’m going to tell him tonight.”

  “He’s going to kill Aiden.”

  “Don’t remind me.”

  “Are you just going to let him do this to you? You should report him anyway.”

  “Think about why you didn’t.”

  “And I have to tell you, Julie, every day when I see him with that snide look on his face, I regret my decision. There’s got to be something that we can do. I never told Niall about it, but I’d be willing to now.”

  “Maybe,” I say, and start to consider it. There’s a soft knock on the door and we both look up to see Javier.

  Our reunion is sweet, even though we were all together last night, and he’s as smitten with C
olin as I am. We don’t mention Aiden again, but as we’re saying goodbye to Brigid, she squeezes me extra tight and whispers, “This isn’t goodbye forever. It’s goodbye for now. Let me know if I can help.”

  Javier offers me a ride to CloudSoft and I take him up on it. Once we’re in the car, I break the news that I’m only going there to pick up my stuff because I’m headed back to San Diego soon. He’s speechless for a solid minute, and in that time, I have no idea what he’s thinking.

  “I’m not great with words, Julie, but I’m not blind. I have seen you be different at work.”

  “I have been different.”

  “Why did this happen?”

  “I guess I wasn’t a good fit,” I say, totally deflecting.

  Javier frowns in a way I’ve never seen him do before. He’s usually so happy, but not now. He doesn’t say anything in response to my comment. He just drives in silence, and I let him, taking the opportunity to slouch down in my seat and close my eyes for the rest of our journey.

  “We’re here,” he says, and puts the car into park.

  “Mind if we sit here for a minute?” I ask, feeling simply too much dread to go in.

  In the most serious tone I’ve ever heard him use, Javier says, “Take all the time you need.”

  Eoghan

  When I look back on my life, the darkest spots in my memory have one person in common, the man that’s been nothing but a reckless disappointment. He’s a terrible father. A horrific husband. A dangerous person to himself and to everyone he knows. A liar, a thief, and a convict. An addict who only cares about his next bet. And that’s the state I expect to find him in. My gut says he’s playing ponies in some dingy off-track betting hellhole, or watching a match like his life depends on it with a bunch of Norries in a dodgy pub. I’ve been around all his usual haunts, but haven’t come across him. His phone goes straight to voicemail and the taxi company says he’s not on duty.

  Fuck him, I think for the twentieth time today.

  But I think of my mam and Seán and my other brothers. Of the taxi and the pub. And then of Juliana. She wouldn’t want me to give up on him. She’d want me to find him and hear him out.

  My chest sags when I check my phone. I don’t have any messages from her. I haven’t heard from her since she left with Cara and Reid this morning. Something is off with Juliana, I know it is, but I trust her to tell me. She wouldn’t keep me in the dark about anything serious. Not when I can help.

  The phone starts ringing before I can slip it back into my pocket. It’s Seán.

  “Yeah?”

  “He was spotted over on Liberty Street a few hours ago.”

  “On it.” I end the call, strap my helmet on, and take off on my bike. It takes only ten minutes to get there and once I do, I cruise slowly down the short street but I don’t see him. I go around the block and down the way to Saint Peter and Paul’s church.

  Nothing.

  This is ridiculous. I have so many better things I could be doing than looking for my troublesome father. Like I could be back at the pub, making plans for the renovation.

  Christ, maybe he’s there with that feen, Tom Donneley.

  Tom Donneley.

  That’s it.

  I pull over and dial Seán. He picks up on the first ring. “Find me Tom Donneley’s address.”

  Seán pauses and then says, “I’ll call when I’ve got it.”

  After a quick left onto Paul Street, I pull up to another sportsbook. A quick glance in shows me he’s not there, but it’s as good a place as any to stay while I wait for Seán to call me back. I don’t have to wait long.

  “He lives over on Douglas Street right next to the laundry.”

  “I know the place,” I tell him, because once a taxi driver, always a taxi driver.

  It takes me another ten minutes to get back across the River Lee and to Douglas Street. My dad’s taxi is parked outside a red brick row house. I turn around and park a few spots down so I can see the house from my bike. Then I wait, because I have no idea how I want to play this. It’s not like I’ve caught the guy rolling a pair of dice on the sidewalk. But my experience tells me that he is up to no good.

  Before I can make a move, my dad and Donneley come out of the house and get in my dad’s taxi. There’s no indication that they’ve seen me and within seconds, my dad pulls out onto the road and they take off. I wait a few seconds myself and then pull into traffic to follow them.

  They head back down the hill and go through the city over to Pope’s Quay and pull up in front of Saint Mary’s Church. I stay back a ways and just watch as the men get out of the car and walk up the steps to someone who’s clearly been waiting for them. Your man is as dodgy as they come, standing in front of a bleedin’ church with a little black notebook in his hand. The three start talking and my dad reaches into his pocket and pulls something out and hands it to him.

  There’s all the proof I need that he’s gambling again, not that I’m surprised in the least bit, since I’ve been waiting for this all month. Yet disappointment rips me to shreds. Deep down, I must have really hoped he’d kicked it.

  My phone chimes and I think to ignore it, but I’m worried it’s Juliana. It’s not her, but it’s Dylan.

  Dylan Byrne: We need you back at the pub.

  When I look up again, my dad and the two others are gone.

  “Shite.” At least I know where he’s hiding out now.

  Eoghan Murrough: On my way.

  When I get back, I’m happy that the pub has been cleaned up and we’re back in business…lots of business. There’s only a basic lunch menu today that Bran agreed to put together—sandwiches and chips—but that hasn’t deterred the crowd.

  Dylan’s behind the bar keeping busy, but looking a little rough around the edges. It’s rare for him to be hungover. I always get a kick out of it. I mean, the lad has it together all the time, how could I not take advantage of his disadvantage? I drop my helmet onto the bar and let it rattle and spin. Dylan visibly cringes at the noise and I smirk at him.

  “What’s the craic?”

  “This is your fault,” Dylan says.

  “How on earth is this my fault?”

  “Close the pub, you said. Have Thanksgiving, you said. Cut loose, you said.”

  “I’m responsible for your alcohol intake? If we’re doing that, then you’ve got years of blame coming your way for my countless hangovers. I’m pretty sure you poured most of those pints.”

  “Don’t blame me and for the love of God, don’t blame beer. It’s all those shots you took with every lasher that walked through the door.”

  “Good thing I’ve got that out of my system,” I say, thinking of Juliana.

  “How is your better half? She seemed really sad last night after you left with Brigid.”

  “Sad? How’s that?”

  “I don’t know. Something changed after you left. Cara said she was on the phone with someone.”

  “She didn’t tell me about that.”

  “No?”

  “Maybe she was talking to her family again. We had a little fight, because she hadn’t told them we were together. They didn’t even know I existed.”

  “Rough,” Dylan says as he pulls another draught.

  “Yeah,” I reply, and my ego still feels bruised about it. She showed me last night what I mean to her, but I can’t help the hurt I’m still feeling.

  “How’d they find out?”

  “Feckin’ Facebook. Brigid tagged her in a photo of us.”

  “This is why I’m not on social media. No one needs to know anything about me,” Dylan says.

  “No, really?”

  “Shut up.”

  That’s when I notice it. For being in such a sorry shape, he’s had a little grin this whole time. There can only be one reason for this, and it’s a blonde twirly lass whose name starts with R.

  “Since I won’t be reading about it on Facebook anytime soon, what happened last night with you and Ruth?”

  Dylan l
ooks up at me and pauses for a long moment. “Yeah, mate, I need to talk to you about that.”

  But he doesn’t get the chance because a new rush of customers come up to the bar. We fill their orders, but as I’m finishing up, my phone starts ringing.

  “It’s Seán,” I tell Dylan and go over to my office.

  “Hey,” I answer.

  “Did you find dad?”

  “I did. He was at that address you gave me. The taxi was there and everything.”

  “Did you talk to him?”

  “No, I followed them over to Pope’s Quay, where they met up with a bookie.”

  “How do you know he was a bookie?”

  I pinch the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes. Seán still has so much faith in him. “It was,” I answer.

  “You didn’t talk to him at all?”

  “No, I got called back to the pub. Lunch rush.”

  “So, what are we going to do?”

  “Well, I know where he’s hiding out now. I think I’ll pay him a visit later.”

  “I want to go with you.”

  “No, Seán.”

  “Eoghan, he’s not your worry alone. I’m going with you,” he says with bravado. It catches me off guard and I’m reminded that my bother isn’t a wee lad anymore. My dad has a knack for turning boys into men sooner than they need to be.

  “Fine. I’ll call you.”

  “Fine,” he says.

  The call ends. I toss my phone on the desk and lean back in my chair. Nothing seems right today. Everything is a little bit off. My dad is obviously gambling again. I saw the proof with my own eyes, but even that feels off. And Juliana. Dylan’s words keep cycling through my mind. She seemed sad. There was something different about her when we made love, an intensity in our connection that I hadn’t seen from her before. Was she sad? Was I too blinded by my passion for her?

  My time to dwell on it is cut short when Dylan appears in the doorway. “Hey mate, can I talk to you?”

  “Yeah, sorry, come on in,” I tell him.

  Dylan comes in and closes the door. In all the time we’ve worked together, it’s the first time he’s ever done that. An eerie feeling creeps between my ribs. He takes a seat and presses his palms together between his legs and then lets out a big breath.