When I Break

by Kendall Ryan

  “Thanks for helping today.” She flipped over her place mat and began doodling on the back in purple crayon. The girl continued to surprise me.

  I sensed that something between us had changed today. I’d shown her a different side of myself and put us on more equal footing. It wasn’t what I had planned for my one day off from work this week, but I was glad I’d stayed and helped her. I couldn’t imagine her doing all that alone today; she’d still be there. I knew people gave their time and resources to causes that were important to them, and I’ll admit, it had felt good to give back today, but either McKenna had the soul of a saint, or her need to serve was something different.

  “What drives you to volunteer, McKenna?”

  Looking up from coloring, she chewed on her lower lip. “It’s just what I do. I spend pretty much every free minute at the homeless shelter.”

  “You do this to avoid being at home?” If that dickhead Brian was making her uncomfortable, I’d head right over there and handle it.

  “Not exactly. More like to fill my time. I don’t like being alone with too much time to think. It’s just…not good for me.”

  I wondered what worries could possibly be weighing on her mind. “What are you running from?”

  She went back to coloring and I realized I didn’t know much about this beautiful girl who sat in front of me. She grabbed the brown crayon and drew a two-story house, coloring in the windows with blue curtains, and then drew three stick figures in front of the house. On one of them she colored long dark brown hair and blue eyes, and I realized she was drawing me something from her childhood.

  I watched her in silence, wondering if she was trying to give me a clue about her life. The thought of someone harming her rose the hairs on the back of my neck. Before she finished her drawing, the waitress delivered our orders—a salad and soup for her, and a burger for me. Setting her drawing aside for the moment, we dug into the food in silence, the weight of our conversation still hanging over us.

  McKenna picked at her salad, using the tines of her fork to push a cherry tomato around the plate.

  “What’s on your mind?” I asked, wiping my mouth on the napkin.

  Pretty blue eyes pierced mine as she hesitated to answer.

  “Say it, angel.”

  “When I met you…I don’t know. I could feel your pain and knew you’d experienced more than your fair share of trauma too. I felt connected to you.”

  I knew what she meant, but that didn’t mean I wanted to encourage her attachment to me. I would only end up hurting and disappointing her. Even if I did everything in my power not to, that was my track record with women.

  I pushed my plate away, my appetite all but vanishing. “McKenna, I’m not going to deny that we have a connection. We do.”

  “But?” she supplied, a trace of sarcasm in her voice.

  “But…I fuck random girls. I use them for sex. I’m not a good guy. You shouldn’t be so nice to me.”

  “You’ve made bad choices. You’ve messed up. But you’re not a bad guy. I see the way you are with your brothers, and attending group, that’s your way of trying to get better. You’re not going to scare me off so easily, Knox.”

  My participation in her little meetings was practically court-mandated, and honestly, the only reason I’d continued going was because of my attraction to her. The waitress appeared again, this time to collect our half-eaten meals.

  “Will you tell me more about how this all started,” she asked.

  “What do you want to know?”

  She shrugged, looking down at the vinyl-covered table. “Whatever you want to share.”

  McKenna passed me the box of crayons and I chuckled, flipping over my own place mat to the blank white side. “Is this some type of counseling technique, drawing out your feelings?”

  “No.” She laughed, her tone light. “I just like to color.”

  I plucked a crayon from the box, noticing it was pink. But I wouldn’t complain about the choice in color. If this was what she wanted, I would try to get in touch with my softer side. I wasn’t ready to tell her everything, but after the day we’d shared—scrubbing shit off cots—I felt more open with her than anyone else.

  “When my dad left, everything fell on me. I got a part-time job and took care of the boys. It would have been easier to drop out of school and get a full-time job, but I was set on finishing up my senior year. I knew I needed to graduate or I’d never be able to really provide for them.”

  I scribbled something on the paper in front of me, not really paying attention to what I was drawing. “All week I went to school, worked, put food on the table, and at night, I made sure homework got done, supervised bath time, enforced rules and curfews. And I had to put up with strange looks at parent-teacher conferences and doctors’ appointments. Eventually I applied for legal guardianship.”

  McKenna’s eyes stayed downcast on her own page, which made opening up easier somehow. She passed me another crayon, green this time, and I continued drawing – little crooked designs that made no sense but seemed to calm me.

  “By the time Saturday night rolled around, I’d wait until the boys were in bed and I’d go down the road to the corner bar, where they never carded, and grab a few beers to relax. Then I’d find a pretty girl to sink into to forget my troubles.” There was more, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

  McKenna sucked in a deep breath, temporarily pausing in her drawing.

  I wouldn’t sugarcoat this. If she wanted in, I would let her see the true me, faults and all.

  “I did what was expected of me. I take care of my brothers, pay the bills, follow up on homework. But at night, after everyone goes to bed, the emptiness and loneliness become too much. I need relief and that’s how I seek it.”

  McKenna

  I couldn’t believe he was telling me all this. In group, he was all penetrating gazes and silent intensity. But one-on-one, he was making himself vulnerable to me. I was straddling the line between being me—a regular girl who was interested in a guy, and a counselor who wanted to help him heal. I had no idea which one of us would win out.

  Knox slapped a few bills down on the table, enough to cover both our meals.

  “I can pay for myself.” I reached inside my purse for my wallet.

  “Next time.”

  I didn’t know if there would be a next time, but I nodded. “Okay.”

  “Should we go?”

  “Sure.” I rose from the booth and stretched, my back straightening reluctantly. I smiled, realizing I would sleep well tonight from the day’s manual labor.

  I figured Knox was going to drive me straight home after we ate, but he surprised me by asking if I would go somewhere with him. I blindly agreed without knowing our destination. When he pulled to a stop in front of a deserted playground, I waited, unsure of what we were doing here.

  “Come on. This place has the best slide in the world.”

  I watched in fascination as he climbed from the Jeep and headed toward the playground. I’d never seen him in a mood so playful and carefree. He was captivating.

  “Knox! Wait up,” I called, jogging behind him. He sat down on a swing and I joined him, each of us toeing the gravel to gain momentum.

  He looked lost in his thoughts, and though there were a million questions I wanted to ask him, I waited, letting him enjoy the quiet moment he seemed to be having. We swung side by side, looking out at the park.

  “I haven’t been here in almost twenty years,” he said finally. “I must have been about three when my mother worked in this part of town. She used to drop me off at this Russian lady’s house while she went to work. Sometimes after work when she picked me up, we’d come here before going home.”

  I realized with Jaxon being four years younger, Knox would have been an only child at that time. It was sweet that he had memories of just him and his mom. I wondered if thinking of her made him sad, like it did for me. We sat in silence, swinging until the sky was growing pink with the impen
ding sunset.

  “So is that the famous slide?” I asked, tipping my head toward the monstrosity.

  There didn’t appear to be anything special about it. It was an old rusted-out metal slide, but I could tell in Knox’s mind, it was somewhere sacred he’d built fond memories with his mom. And I wouldn’t question it. I had my own version of this slide built up in my mind too.

  “That’s her.” He smiled.

  “Well, I’ve gotta try this out.” I hopped off my swing in the middle of its upward arc and ventured toward the rusty contraption. “Are you sure this thing is safe?” I climbed up the bottom rung of the ladder and stopped, testing my weight.

  He shrugged. “Should be fine as long as you’re up-to-date on your tetanus shot.”

  Scampering up the ladder before I chickened out, I plopped my butt down so I was perched at the top, my legs stretched out in front of me. Knox positioned himself below me at the bottom of the slide, and grinned up at me playfully.

  “Come on down, I’ll catch you.”

  I pushed myself forward, expecting to slide down easily. Instead, my jeans rubbed against the dull metal and I scooted about two inches. We both cracked up laughing. “That was anticlimactic.” With gravity proving to be no help, I used my feet to pull my pull myself down, scurrying the entire length of the slide until I came to an unsatisfying stop in front of Knox.

  “It was better when I was three.” He extended a hand and I accepted, letting him pull me to my feet.

  “Such a letdown,” I joked, nudging my shoulder with his.

  “Hmm.” His eyes lazily traveled over me. “I’ll make it up to you.”

  “Oh yeah? How?”

  He pointed across the street from the park. “See that coffee shop?” I nodded, and he said, “I’ll buy you a hot chocolate.”

  “Deal.”

  While we sipped hot cocoa at a little café table, Knox called home once again to check on the boys. I loved how dedicated he was to them. It almost made me feel a little guilty for hogging him all day. But there was no denying I’d enjoyed today immensely.

  “I have something to tell you,” he said.

  “What is it?” I waited, breathless. Anytime Knox let me in was a small win.

  “My test results came today.”

  “And? Did you open them?”

  He nodded, smiling crookedly. “I’m clean.”

  Wow. “That’s amazing news.” A contented little sigh escaped my lips.

  “I’m glad you made me do it.”

  It was the little moments like this that made my job so rewarding. Knox wouldn’t have gone on his own, and I was happy that I was the one to encourage him. I was even happier at the results.

  I drank my hot chocolate slowly, savoring it, almost like I was afraid to take the last sip because it meant our day together would be over. As it neared time to leave, both of us grew quiet as the easy mood from earlier all but evaporated. I remembered what Knox said about the night, and I prayed he wasn’t planning on going out to one of his usual haunts to pick up a woman. That thought crushed me.

  “You okay?” he asked, setting down his own cup as if he sensed my somber mood.

  “Fine,” I lied.

  “I should take you home.” He might have voiced the words, but his body language wasn’t on board. He was leaning toward me, his elbows on the table and his gaze piercing mine.

  “Okay,” I breathed. It was dark outside, nearly eight at night. Logic told me I should probably go home, even if the rest of me didn’t want to.

  As we neared my apartment, a feeling of sadness settled over me. It had been a magical day. I’d expected to work at the shelter all day and then go home to have dinner with Brian. Oops. I’d forgotten all about dinner with Bri. I’d just tell him my work at the shelter ran late. Never mind this glow to my cheeks and lightheartedness from spending the day with Knox.

  Rather than just dropping me off at the curb, Knox switched the ignition off and walked me to the door. We stood together under the little yellow porch light, watching each other. I couldn’t help glancing at his full lips and wondering if they’d taste like chocolate.

  Knox shoved his hands into his pockets. He was stalling. Neither of us was ready to say good night.

  “McKenna, I—”

  Before Knox could finish whatever it was he was going to say, the door flew open and Brian stood between us, fuming. His eyes flashed from me to Knox and back again. Something told me he wasn’t pissed that I’d missed dinner; it was finding me here with Knox that had him on edge.

  I shoved past them into the foyer of the apartment. “Geez, Bri, relax. I’m sorry I missed dinner.” I tossed my purse onto the counter and felt a pang of guilt seeing the plate of food he’d prepared and covered in plastic wrap for me.

  “Where have you been?” Brian shouted, coming in behind me.

  Knox bit out a curse, his posture stiffening as he stepped in front of me protectively. “She was with me. What’s the problem?”

  “The problem?” Brian crossed the room to stand directly in front of Knox. He was a fraction shorter and with much less definition in his arms and chest, but you wouldn’t know it by the way he was puffing his chest out, acting like a caged gorilla. “The problem is that I know what you are. I saw you at that meeting.”

  “What I am? And what’s that?” Knox asked, casually taking a step closer.

  “Not good enough for her.” Brian tipped his head toward me.

  “And someone like you is? Why don’t you let McKenna decide that for herself?”

  “I’ve been protecting this girl from cocky assholes like you for years, and I’m not about to stop now.”

  “Brian!” I hissed through clenched teeth. I wouldn’t have him insulting Knox.

  Knox dropped his head back, looking up at the ceiling, and let out a short bark of laughter. “You want her for yourself.”

  Brian lunged at Knox, pushing both hands against his chest in a hard shove. Knox staggered two steps back into our living room.

  “Be sure you want this.” Knox’s hands curled into fists at his sides, and my insides twisted violently. “McKenna?” Knox’s narrowed eyes found mine. “Go to your room.”

  No way was I going in my room just then. They weren’t actually going to fight over me, were they?

  Brian rushed forward again and Knox sidestepped him, instinctively drawing him farther away from where I stood rooted in place, my jaw hanging open. Brian wasn’t violent; he wasn’t a fighter. Not even in high school when most boys had raging teenage hormones, he was calm and in control. But I’d also never seen that vein throbbing in his forehead.

  “You know why she’s with you, don’t you?” Brian taunted. “She’s a fixer. Always has been. Adopting stray dogs from the shelter, stopping to help wildlife cross the road, befriending the new kids at school…that’s all this is. You’re a problem”—he poked a provoking finger into Knox’s chest—“that she wants to fix.”

  Knox’s gaze flashed to mine and Brian took that split-second distraction to haul back and land a punch in the center of Knox’s cheek.

  I winced as the contact threw Knox’s head back.

  Not wasting a second, Knox rushed Brian, knocking him to the floor and landing several punishing hits to his face and body.

  “Stop! You guys, stop it!” I clawed desperately at Knox’s shoulders, trying to dislodge him from where he held Brian captive. Brian landed a quick hit to Knox’s nose, sending blood pouring from both nostrils. Frightened, I cowered on the floor, scrambling backward on hands and knees as big soggy tears rolled down my cheeks.

  Both men caught their breath, their fight seemingly over. Knox’s eyes met mine and I read his expression as clear as if he’d voiced the words. I’m sorry.

  His shoulders down and his gaze fixed on the floor, Knox left, closing the door quietly behind him. There was something about the way he’d shut the door that stuck with me. Had he slammed it closed, I would have felt better. I would understand his anger.
He was just attacked verbally and physically in my apartment by my roommate. His careful exit felt like defeat. Not a physical defeat—he could have taken Brian—I saw that in the power of his punches when he had Brian pinned down. No, it was more like he knew he’d lost me before we’d even started anything, and he was quietly walking away and letting Brian win.

  The thought didn’t sit well with me. I wanted him to fight for me, to pull me from this corner and wipe my tears, tell me that no one and nothing would keep us apart. But he hadn’t. It was all a twisted little fantasy. Knox didn’t feel for me the way I did for him.

  I remembered the way blood had erupted from his nose, and wondered if he was okay to drive home. Sheesh, I hadn’t even offered to help him, given him a tissue, apologized for the brutal way my roommate had behaved. Knox had been nothing but a gentleman all day, and he deserved none of what Brian delivered.

  “McKenna.” Brian stood over me, hands on his hips. “I know you want me to apologize—”

  “Save it, Brian.” I leaped to my feet and grabbed my purse from the counter, slamming the apartment door behind me.

  When I arrived at Knox’s place, all was quiet and dark. The front door was unlocked and I let myself in, not wanting to wake anyone who might be asleep. A lamp glowed softly next to the couch, but no one was around, on the first floor at least. I crept up the creaking staircase, my fingers grazing the wooden banister as I headed to the attic.

  It was dark and silent on the third floor too, and I wondered if Knox was asleep. It had been almost an hour since he’d left my apartment, thanks to the city bus schedule, and it was entirely possible he was already asleep in bed. The thought of finding him, shirtless and stretched out on the mattress, sent a little thrill through me. I promised myself I wouldn’t ogle him. Okay, maybe just for a second I’d allow myself to appreciate the view. Then I’d wake him and check on his injuries. See if he needed anything and apologize for my psycho roommate.

  Tiptoeing across the creaky wooden floor, I felt like an intruder. I’d probably scare him half to death. “Knox,” I whispered loudly. “It’s me.” The room was so dark, I couldn’t even tell if there was movement from under the covers. “Knox?” I flipped on the lamp beside the small couch for light. Glancing up, I realized his bed was empty. Knox wasn’t here.