When I Break

by Kendall Ryan

  Realization struck like a whack to the side of the head. He’d gone out. After spending all day bonding with me, showing me a sweet side to him by working at the shelter, he’d still chosen to go out. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but really, what other possibilities were there? It was late and his brothers were asleep. He’d told me himself, this was how he operated. I just thought I’d be the one to get through to him, and it stung knowing that my efforts hadn’t made one bit of difference.

  I sat down on his bed, hating myself for how betrayed I felt. It wasn’t fair to Knox. He was in treatment. He was bound to mess up now and then, and tonight with Brian had probably been a trigger for him. I knew he didn’t handle stress well—that he turned straight to sex. What had I really expected when he left my apartment looking broken and defeated?

  And it had nothing to do with being outmatched by Brian. I’d seen the restraint Knox displayed, the tension in his shoulders as he held himself back from doing any real damage. He’d spared Brian, and the only reason could have possibly been because of me. Because of my friendship with Bri.

  I remained on Knox’s bed waiting for him. I would wait all night if I had to; I needed to make things right between us. When my eyes grew droopy, I lay down, curling on my side against his pillow.

  The sounds of running water and rustling coming from the hallway woke me. I crawled from bed, groggy and wondering what time it was. Since I was pretty sure only Knox used the bathroom on the third floor, I tapped my knuckles against the door. “Knox?”

  “Not now, McKenna,” Knox grumbled from inside.

  No way was I letting him patch up Brian’s handiwork alone. “I’m coming in.” I pushed the door open and entered the tiny steam-filled bathroom. Blinking through the vapors, I found him slumped on the floor, his head hanging in his hands.

  He stared up at me with unfocused eyes. “What are you doing here?” he slurred.

  “Have you been drinking?”

  He chuckled. “No, officer.”

  “Knox, this isn’t funny. You’re wasted. Did you drive home like this?”

  “Relax. People get drunk, and no, I walked home.”

  “Where did you go?” I assumed it was somewhere local, since he’d walked home, but I was too afraid to ask my real question—What did you do?

  “I went out. Had a few drinks.” He shrugged.

  “And?” I probed. I had to know; even if it crushed me.

  “And I picked up a girl, and I couldn’t even fuck her. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  My breath stuttered.

  He pushed his hands into his hair, tangling it in disarray. “Your sad blue eyes wouldn’t leave my brain. I couldn’t stop comparing your subtle feminine scent to her harsh perfume. Your touchable soft waves to her too-stiff curls.” Looking up to meet my eyes, confusion and distress was written all over his features. “I don’t know what you’ve done to me. You’ve gotten inside my head, fucked with who I am.” The pain and anguish in his eyes hit me straight in the chest.

  Part of me felt proud—I’d actually gotten through to him. But most of me felt sad. Knowing I affected him just as much as he affected me was harrowing. And I’d never seen him so devastated and needy. It tugged at something deep inside me.

  The pull between us was too strong. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out. “I just came to make sure you were okay,” I choked out.

  “I’m fine. Let me drive you home.” He rose to his feet.

  “You’re in no condition to drive.” And if there was one thing I couldn’t tolerate, it was drunk drivers. Not after the way I’d lost my parents.

  “Suit yourself. I’m going to shower then.” With the water still running he began undressing, right there in front of me.

  I slammed my eyes shut. Oh God. Knox. Naked. My heart banged against my ribs. I should turn around and march out of this bathroom, but my feet were frozen in place.

  The shower door opened and Knox cursed as he stepped under what I assumed was scalding hot water. “What are you still doing here, McKenna?” he asked several moments later.

  I peeked open one eye, and then the other. Knox stood in the small glass-enclosed shower stall underneath the spray of water, not even bothering to try to cover himself. He was beautiful. All male with sculpted muscles and rugged good looks. He had a dusting of dark hair in all the places a man should, but I forced my eyes up, not wanting to wander any lower than his defined abs and completely visually molest him.

  “I-I came to help.” To take care of you. I swallowed the thick lump in my throat and when I met his dark gaze, something inside me snapped. Without thinking, I pushed open the shower door and was suddenly under that warm spray of water with him. My hands stroked his cheek where it was already swelling, and my fingers pushed into his hair to soothe him. It was my fault he’d gotten hurt and therefore my responsibility to comfort him. Not that being so near him, enveloped in his heat, was any great burden. I felt more alive than ever before under his dark gaze.

  “Kenna,” he groaned, his eyes falling closed. The tortured cry of my name on his parted lips was the sweetest sound. He stepped closer until our bodies were flush together, brushing at the tops of our thighs, our abdomens, our chests. My heart slammed against my rib cage at the contact. He was pure male heat and my body responded greedily.

  Desire raced through my veins, heating me from the inside out. I knew this was a bad idea—the worst. Knox was drunk and I was… I didn’t know what I was, only that I’d never felt this way before, and I wasn’t about to give it up.

  We were so close his forehead rested against mine and his lips were just millimeters away from where I wanted them. I’d never wanted anything more than this kiss. We’d been unconsciously building toward this moment since the first time I’d laid eyes on this sinful man. My body knew then what my head could not.

  “Kiss me,” I whispered.

  “And what if I can’t stop?” he murmured, his lips brushing against mine.

  Pure carnal need like I’d never experienced before shot through me. In that moment, nothing mattered but Knox’s hot mouth on mine. “Then don’t.”

  Our mouths were so close that we shared each breath. I breathed him in with each inhalation I drew. The only sounds were my thumping heartbeat crashing in my ears and the spray of water cascading down on us.

  His male firmness pressed against my belly and my breath stuck in my throat. Struggling to breathe, my chest heaved with the effort and brushed against his bare chest. His hands found the hem of my shirt and he lifted the garment up and over my head, slinging the wet fabric to the shower floor where it landed with a smack.

  I waited, breathless, to see what he would do. His lips delicately whispered against mine, sending little tingles radiating from my parted lips all the way down to the long-neglected ache in my core. Feelings I’d never known, sensations long dormant, suddenly raged within me, lighting me up from head to toe. I felt awake, fully present for the first time.

  I noticed everything, his tender mouth barely brushing mine, the way his dark, hooded eyes roamed from my lips down to the top of my breasts, the way his bare chest glistened in the steam, the tiny water droplets that clung to his eyelashes, and most of all, I noticed my body. I’d never felt more sexual than I did in that moment, standing there in a soaking wet pair of jeans and white bra that was now see-through.

  His lips brushed mine a second time and a tiny groan escaped my throat. I’d never imagined he’d be so tender, and the wait was killing me. Knox’s mouth came down against me, his warm tongue lightly touching my bottom lip. I opened to accommodate him as my heart rioted in my chest. That little encouragement was all he needed. His mouth pressed hard against mine, his tongue rhythmically stroking, teasing me in the most intimate way. When my tongue matched his, the sensations sent me spiraling out of control.

  I lifted up on my toes, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders, needing something sturdy to ground me. I’d never been kissed like t
his.

  Knox

  She tasted like sunshine and candy and fucking perfection. I was fighting with myself to go slow, but temptation whispered in my ear, telling me I could have her.

  She’d shown up here out of the blue, looking at my bruised cheek like she was the one in pain. It had been a long damn time since I’d been babied, but hell if it didn’t feel good. I wanted to feel her soft hands on me, feel her pretty blue eyes caress me like I was someone worthy. But even as my tongue played with hers, my dick rock hard and aching, my fingers itched to touch her, to unclasp her bra and push her jeans down her legs. As the alcohol started to clear from my foggy brain, I knew I needed to slow this down.

  I shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my hips and tossing another at McKenna. “Dry off.”

  Her wide eyes flew to mine, questioning, hurting, but I headed to my room. Dressing quickly in a pair of boxer briefs and jeans, I grabbed a T-shirt and sweatpants for McKenna. They wouldn’t fit, but at least she’d have something dry to cover herself with.

  That part was critical. My willpower was hanging by a thread.

  I tossed the clothes on the end of the bed and turned to see McKenna barefoot and wrapped in a thin white towel across from me. The straps of her wet bra were still peeking over her shoulders.

  She dropped her gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry I came.”

  I crossed the room, fighting the urge to take her in my arms again. “I’m not.”

  Her face lifted, her eyes full of questions and shimmering with unshed tears. “But you just left me in there…”

  “Because I won’t take advantage of you.”

  “You weren’t,” she whispered, her voice husky.

  Christ, she was killing me and she didn’t even know it. “I fuck up everything I touch. If you’re smart, you’ll leave.”

  She stepped closer. “I must not be very smart then.”

  Never in my life had I thought so hard about a kiss, but this was McKenna. She wasn’t a girl to use once and throw away. She struck a beautiful balance of being both vulnerable and strong.

  I knew I shouldn’t, that I should dress her and drive her home, but hell, I wanted to taste her sweet lips again. Fuck, I wanted to taste a lot more than that. She was all I’d thought about all night. Cupping her jaw in both hands, I pressed my mouth to hers, trying to be careful, slow, like she needed. But then she was lifting up on her toes and pushing her fingers into my hair, clawing at me to get closer, and I went instantly hard.

  When my tongue touched hers again, I stifled a groan. She was like crack cocaine and I wanted more. Wrapping my arms around her to secure her body to mine, the towel around her opened and fell away.

  I wanted to admire her gorgeous body, but that would require lifting my mouth from hers and that wasn’t an option. I used my hands to explore while my tongue stroked hers. One hand roughly cupping the curve of her ass, and with the other I trailed my fingertips down her thigh.

  Her breathing stuttered and I braced my thigh between her legs to support her. She began rubbing herself against me, her damp panties dragging over my thigh again and again.

  “Can I touch you?” I asked against her lips.

  “Yes,” she breathed.

  Cupping the generous weight of her breasts in my hands, my thumbs grazed the peaks, which instantly hardened and puckered under my touch. McKenna let out a soft little murmur. The sound sent a jab of lust straight to my balls. My erection was straining against my jeans, barely secured under the waistband, and I took a deep breath, fighting for control.

  Still riding my leg, seeking friction between us, McKenna let out a frustrated groan.

  She needed more, but I couldn’t let us go too far. “Can I touch you over your panties?”

  Wide eyes met mine and she nodded slowly. Her look was pure trust and adoration. She was giving me the keys to the kingdom, and I wasn’t going to waste this chance. I would make this good for her.

  I didn’t want to ask her if I could remove them, afraid she’d say yes, and that I’d take things too far. Besides, the little scrap of fabric wouldn’t prevent me from taking care of her. Securing my left arm around her waist to hold her against me, I let my right hand trail down her belly. Little goose bumps erupted over her flesh and her breathing became erratic and much too fast. I loved watching her reactions to even the simplest of touches, although we both knew where my hand was headed, and it wasn’t someplace innocent. I wanted to watch her come, to hear her stutter out my name as she gasped for oxygen.

  My fingers met the hem of basic white cotton panties and continued lower, past the top of her pubic bone until I felt her warm, damp center. Finding the right spot, I caressed the little nub in circular motions and went back to kissing her, moving my tongue in time with my fingers so I could imagine it was the tip of my tongue swirling against her clit over and over. McKenna’s hips bucked against my hand and her head dropped back. I sucked and kissed her throat as incoherent mumbles fell from her lips.

  Her fingernails bit into my shoulders, and she sucked in a breath and held it as her body built toward release. Passion burned inside me and I longed to take her to my bed, lay her down and sink inside her warm body. But for once this wasn’t about my release, it was all about McKenna, and watching her come apart was the most erotic sight of my life. She bit her lip, her eyes closed, and her pulse fluttered in her neck. She was beautiful. I continued stroking her most sensitive spot over her panties until I felt her body clenching, preparing for climax.

  I held her, kissing her, pleasuring her until she was quivering with her release. She let out a loud gasp and her breath stuttered. Her eyes fell closed and she breathed my name again and again as she came apart in my arms. I held her while little tremors raced through her body, making her shiver.

  After several moments she blinked up at me.

  “Hi,” I offered.

  “Hi,” she answered, still breathless.

  “I set out some dry clothes for you.” I tipped my head toward the bed and released her.

  She nodded and crossed the room to grab them off the bed, then headed into the bathroom to change. Even after what we’d just done, she wasn’t going to change in front of me. She was surprisingly modest for someone who’d just gotten off riding my hand.

  I killed the lights, then crawled under the covers and waited.

  Soon McKenna was wandering toward me in the dark. Even the lack of light couldn’t hide the healthy glow I’d put in her cheeks.

  She lay down beside me, curling into a ball so that we lay facing each other. We were both quiet, likely both processing what had happened between us tonight. We just lay there watching each other in the dim light.

  I had no idea how many laws or rules I’d broken getting it on with my sex addiction counselor, and I didn’t want to know. I’d done a whole lot of sexy shit over the years, but I’d never had anything get me as hot as what I just did with McKenna.

  The anticipation of it, knowing how hard I’ve had to work to win her over these past several weeks, getting her to trust me and let go. It felt huge, and I was happy. Leaving her panties in place like that and watching her writhe against my fingers, knowing she was soaking wet and ready for me, it made me wonder how good she tasted, how pink she would be, and it had made me so hard.

  And the craziest thing was, I didn’t want to rush her. I mean, yeah, I wanted to pull her panties down her legs, but in a way, I didn’t. I liked that next time there would be more for us to discover.

  I was going slow with a girl. And I liked it.

  McKenna

  The shower and our little post-shower activities had seemed to sober Knox up. He lay there quietly watching me, his eyes clear and focused.

  “Thank you for letting me stay over tonight,” I said. I assumed this was a big deal for him—a girl in his bed who wasn’t here for sex.

  “It’s not a problem,” he whispered.

  “I’m sorry about what happened tonight w
ith Brian.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. I really don’t like the idea of your living with that guy, though.”

  “He’d never do anything to hurt me.”

  “How did you end up living with him?”

  I took a deep breath. Knox didn’t know the story, and since I knew so much about him, I was starting to feel guilty for never telling him. “I lost my parents my senior year of high school.” I wasn’t ready to explain how it had happened or my role in the events, so I didn’t. “My mom was an only child and my dad’s only brother, my uncle Bob, had passed away two years before of a stroke. My aunt Linda, who I’m only related to because she was married to my uncle, lives in California and I didn’t want to change schools, so I moved in with Brian’s parents to finish my senior year of school.”

  “I’m sorry about your parents.”

  “Thank you,” I murmured. I didn’t want to dampen the evening by thinking about all that, so instead I pushed on. “And when I moved here after college, Brian came with me. He didn’t want me to live in a new city all alone.”

  “Nice guy,” Knox muttered flatly.

  I swatted at his chest. “Thank you for…tonight.” God, what had I been about to say, thank you for that orgasm? I’d never had an orgasm like that before. My cheeks heated.

  Knox chuckled. “You can have that anytime you want. No need to thank me.”

  I chewed on my lip, working up my courage. “Isn’t that hard for you, though? I mean, doing that with me, having me here and knowing it’s not going to go any further?”

  He was quiet for a second while he thought about it. “Yes and no. Trust me, I enjoyed it, and as far as it not going any further…I can manage.”

  “I like you so open and vulnerable like this,” I whispered.

  “Yeah? Well, enjoy it now then. I’m never like this.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you?”