Break My Fall

by Chloe Walsh

  I turned my back on him quickly and walked over to grab a cup of coffee. I could not deal with him right now, not with Derek gaping at me and Cam grinning like the cat that got the cream.

  “Hot damn Lee, that’s what I’ve been talking about for years. Show that sexy body off.”

  I flushed bright red.

  “Don’t be such so crude Cam,” I muttered, concentrating on filling my cup. I could feel Kyle’s steel blue eyes boring into my back.

  “I’m simply stating the obvious, Derek doesn’t Lee look sexy?” Cam asked as she grabbed a chair beside Derek at the table.

  “Oh no Cam, you’re not gonna mind fuck me with trick questions baby,” Derek chuckled. “Ask Kyle, he’s impartial.”

  I trembled as I turned around to face my three roommates sitting at the table staring at me.

  I felt like a damn show pony.

  Shut up, shut up, shut up, I prayed.

  “Kyle, doesn’t Lee look sexy?” Cam asked feigning innocence.

  Kyle’s eyes raked over me slowly. “You look beautiful Lee,” he said, then stared down at the newspaper on the table in front of him.

  “Come sit Lee,” Cam said. I knew what she was doing. She was trying to break the ice between Kyle and me. She thought we could patch things up. I wanted to tell her that ship had sailed. After last night, there was no slipping back into any kind of friendship with him.

  I shuffled awkwardly to the table, taking the last remaining seat, which of course had to be next to Kyle. Dear god this was a slow form of torture.

  I eased myself into the chair, careful not to brush against him. I did anyway, squirming in my seat when my knee brushed his thigh. Kyle cleared his throat roughly, shifting himself in his chair. He looked like he was in pain. I whimpered, my breath coming fast and quick when our eyes met.

  When Cam touched my shoulder, I literally jumped out of my chair, breaking eye contact with Kyle.

  “Christ Lee your very jumpy today,” Derek remarked, glancing from me to Kyle, then back again. A broad grin of recognition spread across his face. “Why could that be?” Derek mused.

  I blushed and went to sink to rinse my cup. “I’m just tired, I didn’t get much sleep,” I muttered, hoping he would drop it.

  “I wonder why that could be. Hmm I wonder, Cam any ideas? Kyle?” Dammit, Derek knew and the jerk was going to out me.

  Cam, not clicking with Derek’s suggestive innuendos said, “You’re probably not used to sleeping in strange beds Lee.”

  With that I gasped, coffee spluttered from Kyle’s mouth and Derek burst out laughing.

  “What?” Cam asked defensively. “She hasn’t been here long enough to break it in.”

  There was another choking sound, and Cam’s eyes widened as she looked at Kyle and then at me.

  “Oh damn I forgot my purse, Derek can you help me look for it?” She said, obviously lying. I glared at her. She had no idea that she was making this so much worse for me.

  “Oh yes your purse. I think it’s under my bed. Let’s check,” Derek said, playing along as they hurried from the room.

  “Lee?” Kyle whispered. I didn’t respond. “Lee talk to me.”

  I froze at the sink. “There’s nothing to say Kyle. Your actions told me everything I needed to know last night.”

  I heard a chair scraping against the tiles and shivered. Kyles's hand touched my shoulder and I wanted to lean into him. I brushed his hand away instead and moved away from him. I couldn’t look at his face, so I focused on the patterned tiles beneath my feet.

  “Are you sore?” he asked, touching my chin with his fingers.

  I didn’t know how to respond. I nodded slowly. I ached in ways I never knew I could.

  His arm came around my waist, forcing me to turn and look at him. “I didn’t know. You should have told me it was your first time baby.”

  I pulled away from him and turned back to look out the window. “I’ll be fine. You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to.”

  “Dammit Lee, look at me.”

  I looked up at him. His eyes held the world of regret and I cringed. “Last night, it…”

  I interjected before he could say those words again. “Let me guess it shouldn’t have happened and can’t happen again. Oh, and you’re sorry you led me on?” The dam broke and tears poured from my eyes.

  “That is not what I was going to say Lee, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sorry.”

  I flinched. “Okay, you’re sorry, you don’t want me. You regret what happened. I get it Kyle, I do. So please, please just stop talking about it.”

  He ran his hand through his hair and hissed. “I don’t know what to tell you other than I’m sorry.”

  I cried harder and Kyle pulled me into his arms. “Don’t cry baby. It shreds me when you cry.”

  I sobbed in his arms. “Then stop making me cry,” I whispered.

  “So you gonna tell me what all that was about earlier in the kitchen?” Cam asked when we sat into her car after her shoot. I had deftly avoided the interrogation until now, hoping that she wouldn’t bring it up.

  “What?” I decided to play dumb, I felt it would work best since I had no clue what was happening in my life.

  “I’m blonde Lee,” Cam growled, pulling out into traffic. “But I’m far from stupid, I know something’s up with you. You’ve barely said two words all day.”

  I groaned, tying my seatbelt as Cam pulled off into traffic.

  “I know, I know, you’ll tell me when you’re ready,” she grumbled. “But I meant what I said when I told you to stay away from Kyle. He’s got too much baggage and broodiness for most girls, especially you.” Didn’t I know it…? “I see your poor attempt at covering his mark,” she chuckled, flicking my neck with her finger. “I can’t believe you let him brand you Lee.”

  Kyle

  “Dude, tell me you finally nailed the ice queen?” Derek’s smart-ass remark once the girls had left was the reason he was currently pinned against the wall.

  “Say it again man, I dare you.”

  He grinned widely. “I’ll take that as a big fat yes.” I gripped him tighter. “Kyle, seriously dude back up, I meant it as a joke. You know that.”

  I pulled my arm away from his throat and shifted back from him, keeping eye contact. “Don’t talk about her like that again, ever.”

  Derek straightened himself, clearly unsure of what to do. Awkward. “Cam is gonna flip man,” he said, as he walked over and poured two cups of coffee. “What the hell were you thinking?”

  Walking back over, he handed me one, “You wanna talk about it?”

  Hell no, this was Lee. I couldn’t talk about her as if she was just another notch on my bedpost. I’d fucking ruined enough of her. I was not going to soil her reputation, as well.

  “I messed up Derek, like the biggest fucking mess up of mess ups,” I said quietly. I couldn’t take back sleeping with her, or change the way I behaved after. Shit, I was rough with her. I was way too rough…

  “I’ll say man, if those bed sheets in the laundry are anything to go by.” I glared at him. Derek had the decency to blush. “No, I'm not a creepy bastard,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee. “I had a few things to wash. I, uh, saw the sheets in the machine when I was putting my stuff in. It was a rough guess, but judging by the look on your guilty ass face, and considering that fact you don’t hang out with many virgins, I’d say guessed right.”

  Oh, this was fucking fantastic.

  I collapsed into a chair. “I didn’t know, she didn’t disclose that piece of information.” I felt horrible for talking about Lee to Derek, but I needed to talk to someone. I couldn’t talk to Linda; she’d hate me, or Cam; she already hated me. That left Derek.

  He sat down beside me, patting my shoulder. “Still,” he mused. “On the bright side, you know you’re the only one.”

  I knew that and the thought thrilled me. I wanted to kick myself. I should not be thrilled that I took Lee’s virginity. I shouldn�
�t feel proud about it. Jesus, I hated myself.

  “Fuck knows how many Cam had before me,” Derek muttered. I cringed for him. Poor guy.

  Derek and I both knew how openly Cam had given out her ‘favors’ before she and Derek hooked up, which explained a lot of why Derek was so fucking paranoid. However, they were together, something Lee and I weren’t, something we could never be. She had no future with me. I groaned in frustration, pulling my hair.

  “Dude what are you gonna do about Rachel? That bitch will go nuclear on Lee if she gets wind of the two of you.”

  I knew that. God why did he keep stating my fucking thoughts aloud, it was bad enough they were in my head. Fuck my life. “There is no me and Lee, you know why I can’t Derek,” I muttered.

  “Kyle man, you know I love you like you were my own little retarded brother right?” I glared at Derek, smart-assed little shit. “So dude, please listen to me.” I tensed, I knew what he was going to say and I knew it would not make a blind shit of difference. “You gotta stop punishing yourself for what happened nearly two years ago. It wasn’t your fault Kyle. It was a fucking accident that shouldn’t determine the rest of your life. Rachel is a big girl. You don’t have to go through with it dude.”

  I couldn’t look at him, he did not understand. “Yeah, I do man.”

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Lee

  It was three weeks and six days before Kyle spoke to me again. Twenty-seven miserable days, where I spent the time pretending not to be hurt and Kyle pretended I didn’t exist. He ignored me at home, avoided me at work and I walked home every night from work alone. It was a Friday evening when the silence finally broke.

  I finished my shift and stepped outside when Kyle grabbed my wrist and spun me back to face him, backing me up against the outside wall of the hotel.

  “We need to talk princess.” He leaned into me, his face inches from mine. The smell of whiskey off his breath blowing into my face was a wrecking ball to my self-control. If he thought he could click his fingers and I would come running, he had another thing coming.

  “Get away from me, you’re drunk,” I growled, pushing at his chest with both of my hands. He didn’t budge.

  “Stop fucking running from me,” he shot back.

  “I’m not running, I’m leaving, there’s a difference. I’m ‘walking’ home,” I said brushing past him.

  “Fine, I’ll walk with you.” He fell into step with me as I marched down the sidewalk.

  “Don’t put yourself out on my account; I’m sure you have plans already. I’m sure Rachel, or one of your ‘friends’ would be more than thrilled to have your company, in fact, that would make me ecstatic.”

  He looked hurt. “You’re my friend,” he said quietly.

  “No,” I spat, anger building inside of me. “We are not friends anymore. I don’t need a friend like you.” I broke into a sprint, but he grabbed my elbow and dragged me back into his chest.

  “Jesus, Lee I just want to speak to you. Why are you being so damn awkward?”

  “Why are you? You could have spoken to me anytime in that last month, but you didn’t, you ignored me. Now I’ve told you to leave me alone, so please go right ahead.” I knew I sounded like a bitch, but I was furious.

  “You’re fucking impossible, you know that Lee? I don’t know why I bother.”

  Ouch, that stung. “Yeah, I ask myself the same question about you Kyle,” I shouted, pressing my fingers to my temple.

  “Fuck,” he roared, kicking the ground. People were gathering close by; we were causing a scene.

  “Are you all right there Lee?” Mike’s voice broke through the tension and I was never so happy to see him in my life.

  “She’s fine,” Kyle growled. “This is a private conversation asshole.”

  Kyle stepped in front of me as Mike approached. “It doesn’t look all that private to me, boss.” Mike said stepping closer to us. I could hear the derisive way he said the word boss. Tension was emanating from both men and my nerves were in bits.

  “Actually I’m not feeling well. Mike, could you give me a ride home?” I edged away from Kyle, but he grabbed my arm again.

  Leaning down to me, he growled, “Don’t go ANYWHERE with him.”

  I had enough of him and his macho crap. “Take your hands off me Kyle. You promised.”

  Kyle released me as if I had burned him.

  I straightened my spine and walked over to Mike, taking his outstretched hand gladly. I was going to go apartment first thing tomorrow. No room was worth this continuous heartache.

  Lee

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Those were the first words Mike had said as he pulled his car up in front of my house, Kyle’s house. I’d had to wait at the hotel for a couple of hours for Mike to finish his shift and I was grateful for the delay. I did not want to go home tonight.

  Several cars filled the driveway and the sidewalk. Great, another damn party was all I needed. I unhooked my seat belt and turned to face Mike.

  He really was quite attractive. He had a healthy look about him; broad and strong and he had normal seat belts in his car. He was real nice to me and I felt incredibly awkward right now. It was not fair to cause trouble for him.

  I took a steadying breath. “I’m sorry about Kyle, it won’t happen again. I’m sorry that I dragged you into my personal life.” I was so embarrassed, my nerves were frazzled. I felt like I had walked into the twilight zone when I saw Kyle outside the hotel earlier. I could not keep up with him and his mixed signals.

  If he wanted to speak to me, he could have any time in the past three and a half weeks. He chose not to though and I was not going to be a pushover for him anymore. I was not going to fall into his lap again, or his bed. His ignorance had hardened me. I was beginning to feel like Kyle hated me and wanted me all in the same breath.

  “I don’t mind being dragged in Lee. I’m concerned about you.” He looked at me with a sympathetic expression; his brown eyes warm. It made a change for a man to look at me with kindness rather than disgust and anger.

  “I’m fine Mike,” I muttered, fighting back to tears that threatened to fall.

  Do not cry.

  Do not cry.

  Mike laid a hand gently on mine. I flinched, but forced myself to leave it there. “You’re not fine Lee. I know Kyle Carter better than you do. I get that he’s our boss, but the guy is bad news. He ruins women and doesn’t give a shit while he’s doing it. If you knew the half of what he’s done…” Mike stopped and sighed. “It looks like he has a party going on in there. Do you want to stay at my place for tonight, get a little distance from him?” Seeing my horrified expression, he smiled. “On the couch of course.”

  I wished I had somewhere else to go. I did not want to go inside and face Kyle, Cam, or that bitch Rachel. I knew she would be inside. She never missed a party at our house. And If Mike was able to put two and two together; it wouldn’t be long until everyone at work realized I had slept with the boss.

  I wanted to run.

  I could not stay with Mike. I did not want to blur any lines and I wouldn’t feel safe. “No, no I’ll be fine Mike I swear,” I said, opening the car and stepping out.

  He was around to my door in a flash. “All right, let me walk you to your room at least. Otherwise, my conscience won’t let me sleep tonight.”

  I examined his face; he seemed genuinely concerned about me. My heart swelled. “Okay” I whispered, “Thank you Mike."

  Kyle

  She brought him back with her. I could not believe it. Lee had brought that douchebag into my mother-fucking house. I saw her walk through the front door and go upstairs with him. Pure rage boiled through me and I wanted to throw her over my shoulders and take her away like a damn caveman.

  I flipped out and punched the refrigerator in frustration. It creaked in response. My knuckles throbbed and I welcomed the pain. People around me were staring. Let them look, if they didn’t like it they could get the fuck out. There was only o
ne person whose opinion I cared about and right now, she was upstairs with that backstabbing little shit.

  I knew I had been a dick; showing up drunk at the hotel, but I had to talk to her. I should have spoken to her sooner, explained to her so she could understand why I couldn’t give her more. Told her the fucking truth about Rachel, but the fear of her reaction kept me away. She’d hate me if she knew the truth; if she knew what I had done. I should have said something though and not have let it go so long, but, goddammit I was torn. Rachel had me by the nut sac and Lee by another organ I didn’t know worked until she walked into my life.

  Fuck, she was like a buffet placed in front of a starving man. I was starving for her. I’d figured she would be upset with me, but I didn’t expect her to react the way she did. I had seen the look in her eyes and it chilled me to the bone. The devastation, the disgust…

  Lee hated me and I had no one to blame, but myself.

  I bet that little shit loved this. He was probably filling her up with lies right now.

  “Hey man you, all right? What did the fridge ever do to you?” Derek stood next to me. His voice was light, but his eyes were narrowed in concern.

  Was I okay? Fuck no. I was ruined. I couldn’t talk to him; I needed to talk to Lee.

  I made for the staircase and a hand pulled me back by the shoulder. “Don’t Kyle, leave her be man. She’s been through enough already,” Derek warned. “She’s not like us. She can’t handle your shit.”

  I turned and squared up to him. I was a half-foot taller than he was so I had the upper hand. “What the fuck do you know about her?” I was shaking with anger. I knew my beef wasn’t with Derek, but right about now any one would do as a punching bag.