An Empty Cup

by Sarah Price

  “And you are going where?” Rosanna asked, her attention still on the dishes.

  “Do you have eyes in the back of your head?” Cate asked.

  Rosanna laughed, even though Cate’s question bordered on insolence. “I just might, dochder. I just might.”

  “I wanted to go play with the dogs a spell.”

  For a moment Rosanna again felt the beat of her heart speed up. There was a pile of dishes, utensils, and cups waiting to be washed and dried. The table needed a good wiping, and the floor begged to be swept. And she still needed to clean that bedroom for Daniel. All of this work, and Cate wanted to go outside to play? But one glance at her daughter’s hopeful face and Rosanna relented.

  “Go on now,” she said, her chest tightening. “Enjoy the good weather.”

  Cate beamed. “Danke, Maem.” Without wasting one second, her bare feet carried her across the kitchen floor.

  “Just stay away from that back fence!” Rosanna called as the screen door slammed shut.

  “Such noise!” Abruptly Reuben set down the newspaper and looked up, scowling. The creases in his forehead deepened, and his mouth turned down at the corners. “You know, Rosanna, if I have one rule, it’s for peace and quiet after the supper-meal. That’s my time to relax, not to listen to loud voices and doors slamming!”

  The displeasure on his face caused Rosanna to quickly apologize. She knew that Reuben demanded peace and quiet in the house in the evening hours, especially just after eating. It was just one of the many “one rules” that had moved into the home along with him.

  Rosanna watched as he lifted the paper, the unhappy grimace remaining on his face. She took a deep breath and focused on washing the dishes, trying to keep the plates from clanking against each other as she washed them.

  Growing up in a large family, Rosanna wasn’t used to quiet houses. On evenings and weekends, neighbors and cousins were always visiting. She was the youngest of eight, and Rosanna could remember the noise that resonated throughout the house. Her older sisters communicated with each other by raising their voices from one floor or room to the next. When chores were performed in unison, there was always a cacophony of clamoring shouts, shutting doors, and the muffled sound of little feet from the younger children traipsing across the hardwood floors.

  With Timothy, noise hadn’t been an issue. Alcohol caused him to sleep through most everything. Even Cate’s constant colicky screaming as a baby hadn’t awoken him.

  She had learned about Reuben’s aversion to noise shortly after they were married. While the din associated with a big family had always been music to her ears, it was the opposite for Reuben. His complaints about the noise, sometimes warranted while other times not, seemed unreasonable. But Rosanna knew better than to complain. Being quieter was a small price to pay for the love he bestowed upon her.

  Five minutes passed, and the only noise in the house was the crinkle of the newspaper when Reuben turned the pages. She finally heard him take a deep breath and fold the paper, the signal that he was finished reading and would soon retire.

  “Two more custom orders came in today from Ohio.” From the tone of his voice, Rosanna wasn’t certain whether or not he was happy about the announcement. “It’s a rush job, so I’ll be working late tomorrow and Saturday, I reckon.”

  Rosanna caught her breath, trying to mask her disappointment. Usually he came home early on Saturdays. After an early supper, they would go for a long walk down the shadowy lane leading to the main road and then continue toward the big pond at the corner of Lee’s Mill and Studden Roads. Sometimes they would sit on the weathered picnic bench that had been set there way back when. Rosanna would throw pieces of old bread to the ducks while Reuben talked about work or the days of his youth when he apprenticed at a shop in Indiana. It was a bonding time for them, a time without interruptions from Cate or questions from Aaron. It was just the two of them for a solid hour or so. If he was going to work late they would not have that time together this week.

  But work was work, and she couldn’t argue when he needed to spend extra time at the shop. “I reckon it’s good to get a head start on it, then.” She was glad that he wasn’t looking at her. She knew that she could never hide the emotion in her eyes.

  “Could use Cate a few days next week,” Reuben said.

  “I was counting on her to help me with the garden,” she replied. She hadn’t weeded it since the previous week. Her enthusiasm for gardening had disappeared with the knowledge that every move she made was watched by the Smiths. At least with Cate by her side, Gloria was less likely to bother her.

  Reuben contemplated her request and scratched at his beard. “Nan’s picking up a lot of the extra work in the back, Rosanna. She’s a fast learner.”

  Rosanna bit her tongue, promising herself that she would never tell Reuben about how lazy Nan had been the day they had cleaned the house.

  He didn’t notice her silence. “I really want to get these orders finished by Saturday.” He sighed. “It’s the distractions that waste the most time. The men bring their items in or spend awhile looking through the inventory. They need my time . . . or rather take it up. I just can’t get to the back shop to work on new orders.”

  Had they not already talked about this? It seemed to be an ongoing problem, yet rather than finding a solution, Reuben was letting it grow into a larger one. A resolution seemed impossible down at the Troyer Harness Shop. Every suggestion was met with an excuse as to why it wouldn’t work. Rosanna had almost given up trying, yet she replied, “I still think you should get the men to drop their goods in need of repair at James’s farm and pick it all up once a week. Think how much time you’d save.”

  Reuben didn’t respond.

  “You could put Daniel or Martin in charge of managing that, too. Even find other farms in different outlying towns.” She wondered if his silence meant that he was listening to her idea and considering it.

  “Maybe Nan could do it,” he finally admitted.

  Nan? Rosanna tried to not grimace. She’d been hearing an awful lot about Nan for the past two weeks. She was getting tired of it. The way Reuben made it sound, Nan was the answer to all of his problems. The answer to his prayers! Yet Rosanna had seen even less of Reuben since Nan’s arrival. Now, with more orders and Nan’s idea for increasing the volume of repairs, Rosanna doubted that would change. So much for his plans to spend more time at home, she thought.

  “She is rather new, Reuben. Around here, I mean. People know Daniel and Martin. And the men might be more comfortable dealing with them.”

  “Mayhaps,” he said, his tone noncommittal. “Back to Cate. I’d like her to come down and work tomorrow and Saturday, ja?”

  “Both days, then?”

  He nodded, looking tired. He had been working long hours, coming home late, and going to bed early. If Cate could help him a little, Rosanna knew she should not stand in the way.

  “Mayhaps just tomorrow, then?”

  “Fair enough.” He smiled, but even that looked forced and fatigued. “And since we don’t have church this weekend, I’ve invited the workers to fellowship here on Sunday.”

  Her heart skipped a beat, and she lifted her hand to her chest. With Daniel living in the house, it was only three extra people, but it meant even more work for her. More cleaning, more cooking, more time spent pleasing others while having no time for herself. She breathed through her mouth, willing herself to be calm. “Will Nan and Rebecca bring some food? Perhaps some bread or rolls and a pie?”

  Dismissively, Reuben waved his hand. “They work all week, Rosanna. I wanted this to be a relaxing day for them. No worries, no obligations. Just enjoying each other’s company away from the shop.”

  He did not see her bite her lip. Or if he did, he did not make any attempt to investigate her reaction. She felt a tightening in her throat, and sensing the tears that welled in her eyes, she turned her back to him and pretended to dry the plates. “I see,” she managed to say, her tone forced. How could h
e say that to her? Didn’t she work all week, too? Even though she worked at home, she helped to sustain the family just as much as he did.

  She could hear him get up from the chair, discarding the paper on the floor. “Best get headed to bed,” he said. His voice sounded weary. “Long two days ahead of me.”

  Rosanna turned around, disappointment on her face, but he was already gone. She watched the bedroom door shut and listened to the noise of his feet shuffling on the floor. After a few minutes, she heard the bed creak. He hadn’t even said good night, and he hadn’t offered to help prepare Daniel’s room. It would have been a big help for him to bring up the cleaning supplies. But none of those things had happened. In the silence of the kitchen, she stood alone, a feeling of darkness filling her.

  Sighing, Rosanna headed to the storage closet. Armed with a bucket filled with rags and wood cleaner in one hand and a mop in the other, she ascended the stairs to the second floor. She tried to push all the thoughts out of her mind, preferring emptiness to the hope that someone would offer to help her. She realized that no one was aware of the weight of hardship she felt. Besides, she thought as she opened the last door in the small hallway and entered the bedroom, she was beginning to suspect that spending time inside of her head might turn into the best company for the evening.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  By Monday morning, thick air hung overhead and blanketed everything in a layer of humidity. Rosanna stood on the porch with a basket of damp clothes, looking up at the threatening clouds. While the crops needed the impending rain that was announcing itself through the distant thunder, the dreary weather of the past three days had done nothing for Rosanna’s mood. She felt as drab, boring, and lifeless as the gray, overcast sky. The lack of sunshine grated on her nerves, and she wondered if there was any sunshine left in her own life. Maybe not.

  The past week had seemed endless, with too much work and very little reward. No sooner did her head hit the pillow at night than she awoke to another gray dawn. She hadn’t received a word of gratitude from her family for any of the chores she did, even though she didn’t think a slight hint of appreciation would have been asking too much.

  She barely slept at night. She tossed and turned, her mind spinning with thoughts that played over and over in her head: the chores for the next day, prayers for the sick, and pleas for God’s guidance and peace in her life. It was this last one that she struggled with the most. She knew that God had everlasting kindness and the capability to show mercy. He was not quick to temper but gave love freely. That was the way she wanted to live: to demonstrate that she, too, could live a godly life and find peace. As she prayed at night, she reflected on her shortcomings of the day and vowed to be stronger tomorrow. She was sure that if she prayed enough to the Lord her God, her prayers would be answered.

  But in the new dawn of another gray cookie-cutter day, she found herself faced with even more of the same chores as the one before. She knew that in all probability the next one held the same promise. Her enthusiasm for living a godly life ebbed. She wondered if He listened to her.

  Last Saturday, Rosanna had again found herself alone in the house. During breakfast, Cate had eagerly offered to accompany Reuben to work. She seemed more than willing to forfeit her chores in favor of being at the shop. Before Rosanna could remind her daughter that her help was needed at home, Reuben had readily agreed.

  Rosanna had sat in her chair staring at her husband. They had agreed that Cate would work at the shop only one day that week. If only she could speak to him in private so that she could express her opinion. Irritated, she realized there was no way to voice her thoughts without contradicting him. And because he looked so pleased with his stepdaughter’s interest in the shop, Rosanna knew she wouldn’t mention that he had forgotten—or was ignoring—her very specific request on Thursday for Cate’s help on the weekend. Not only did the garden need weeding, but the tomatoes had to be staked and the patch of grass along the driveway had to be mowed again. Since Reuben had invited his employees to come visiting the following day, Rosanna also needed to prepare the food in advance.

  Without Cate’s help, she’d never get all of her work finished. Again.

  “Rosanna, that’s all right with you, ja?” Reuben said.

  Rosanna realized that everyone was staring at her. Hiding her annoyance at both Cate and Reuben, she took a deep breath and forced a weak smile. What else could she do but give her permission? “You did say you had two big orders,” she said, remembering his comments from the other evening. “If Cate can help, then it’s all right with me.”

  She saw that Aaron was watching her with a concerned look on his face. He had always been the one who could read her emotions, who knew when something was bothering her. “You know I’m going fishing with Jacob and Eli today, ja?”

  Another deep breath, and Rosanna nodded her head. “You have a good time,” she replied. “Nothing here that can’t be done on Monday, I reckon.”

  As she watched the buggy drive down the lane, Rosanna had stood on the porch for a few minutes, taking deep breaths to calm her nerves. She’d been surprised to feel a wave of relief in her chest as the buggy disappeared. She felt as though she’d been holding her breath. She felt a moment of peace knowing that she was going to be alone for most of the day, something she hadn’t realized how much she was missing. But the moment she had recognized it, she was immediately overcome by guilt for feeling relieved to be alone. The guilt caused the tightness in her chest to return and her temples to throb. The pain in her head became so intense that halfway through her chores she had to lie down for fifteen minutes.

  If Rosanna had thought the next day would improve, she’d been gravely mistaken. Despite her best efforts to remain cheerful and happy, she had felt nothing but stress. When Daniel, Martin, Rebecca, and Nan arrived for dinner, a meal that she had spent most of the previous afternoon preparing, Rosanna had a hard time keeping her composure. Although Sunday should have been a day of rest for her, at least while Reuben read his Bible, Rosanna had cleaned the breakfast dishes, set the table, and warmed up the food she had cooked the previous day: a large ham, fresh bread, a green bean casserole, and mashed potatoes. It hadn’t taken long for the kitchen to release the smells of good, fresh food. Everyone but Rosanna was excited about the meal.

  The weather was perfect, with only a few clouds in the turquoise sky. A warm breeze carried the scent of dogwood trees and rustled the leaves of the growing corn crops. The only problem was that Rosanna wasn’t able to enjoy it. While everyone else sat outside talking around the picnic table, she was stuck in the kitchen, preparing the plates of food.

  Only Rebecca offered any help, and Rosanna gladly accepted, especially since Cate was running in the back fields with the dogs. As Rebecca hurried into the house, Rosanna paused, just for a moment, as if anticipating that Nan, too, would extend an offer of assistance. None came. Instead, she sat with the men, laughing at their jokes and talking about the shop. Stunned at Nan’s poor manners, Rosanna shook her head as she crossed the small yard toward the house.

  After the meal, Cate had helped to clear the table, but only after Rosanna gave her a stern look and motioned toward the house with her head. The guests had been too engaged with Reuben to offer to assist her. Rosanna only heard bits and pieces of the conversation, but she didn’t need to hear more; it was mostly about the harness store. However, she did notice that Nan was doing most of the talking. She spoke louder than any other Amish woman Rosanna had ever known and, in Rosanna’s opinion, with an attitude of unearned authority. Her voice had grated on Rosanna’s nerves.

  By the time everything had been cleaned and the dishes washed and put away, the party was over. Rosanna had watched the two buggies roll down the driveway. Daniel and Rebecca were riding together to a youth gathering in the neighboring church district. Martin had offered to take Nan back to the small house on the shop’s property. As the buggies disappeared, Rosanna could still hear Nan’s voice in her head. The high-pi
tched sound seemed to carry in the air.

  That was when the pain in her chest had started again. At first it was dull, an ache near her heart. She felt as if something was squeezing her, the tightness spreading down to her midsection. She had to sit for a few minutes, taking deep breaths before she was able to get up and make her way to the bedroom. Reuben and Cate were outside, helping Aaron with the evening chores. Rosanna had rested for thirty minutes, trying to calm the rapid beating of her heart in the hopes that the tension would vanish.

  It hadn’t.

  Now she faced a new week. She tried to relax as she hung the laundry to dry. Monday was always a wash day. She never understood why clothes seemed to attract so much dirt over the weekend. The laundry seemed to breed in the baskets. In just those two days, only one of which was a workday, Aaron and Cate had seemed to go through more clothes than during the rest of the week. Rosanna disliked doing the laundry. The hand washer with the wringer caused her arm to ache afterward, but she knew it was better to stay on top of the dreaded chore than postpone it.

  Rosanna grabbed two clothespins from her basket and stuck one on the sleeve of Cate’s brown dress. It hung on the line, limp and dark. With the dampness in the air, nothing was going to dry. Frustrated, she unpinned the sleeve. She’d have to hang everything in the basement instead.

  “Maem!”

  Rosanna shut her eyes. Patience, patience, she repeated to herself. Some days, when she heard her name being called, she felt like ignoring it. Nine times out of ten, it was a request to locate something. Rosanna would be forced to drop whatever she was doing to investigate—and more likely than not the item was exactly where it should have been; they just hadn’t bothered to look. She knew she should feel pleased that her family wanted her assistance, but it was getting to the point that just hearing someone call her name gave her heart palpitations.