Bound to the Past (Starville Series Book 1)

by Lauryn Michaels

  “Dammit, I made a promise to J.T.! I swore Iʼd avenge his death!”

  Frank gaped at him. “Do you really think J.T. would care more about your stupid revenge than seeing you happy with the woman you love?” he asked in a softer voice. He waited for Jack to reply; when he didnʼt, he let him go abruptly. “If thatʼs what you believe, son, then J.T. and I have done everything wrong with you.”

  The bitterness in his voice melted Jackʼs rage away. With a sigh, he walked back to his desk and dropped into his chair. “Youʼve done nothing wrong, Frank. Itʼs me. I just…couldnʼt stay in Starville. I needed to get out of there.” Before he knew it, he found himself telling him all about his flashbacks, about the day Sara had been nearly run down by a car, and the threatening call. He was surprised at how light he felt saying those words out loud. It was as if a huge burden had just been lifted from his shoulders.

  “So, thatʼs why you left Sara? To keep her safe?” was Frankʼs first, incredulous comment after he finished.

  “I had to leave. I couldnʼt think straight there. I had so much stuff on my plate and so many things to work out. Had I stayed in Starville, I couldnʼt have focused on anything else but Sara being in danger because of me.” Jack rubbed his face with both hands. “Ever since I met her, Iʼve made one selfish decision after another. Everything has always been about me. This time, I made the only unselfish choice I could make. For once I thought about her, not me.”

  Frank shook his head. “I donʼt get it. If you wanted to make sure Sara was safe while you tried to figure things out, why didnʼt you just bring her to Chicago with you?”

  “Because she also needed to be protected…from me.” Jack slid him a glance and took in a long breath before continuing. “One of the most vivid recollections I started having after Max hit me was a fight J.T. and I had the night he died. At first it was nothing but brief images, fragments of our conversation, but they felt incredibly real to me. We were in my room, standing right by the window, and I told him things. Terrible, hurtful things.” He raked a shaky hand through his hair. “That flashback has haunted me for weeks. I thought I killed him, Frank. God, I really did—and I was ready to deal with the consequences. But Sara didnʼt deserve to. The truth would have destroyed her. And either way, I couldnʼt let her love a murderer. She needs better than that.”

  Frank fell into one of the chairs. “Why did you keep all this inside, Jack? Why didnʼt you tell me about it? I couldʼve helped you.”

  “Help me do what?” Jack gave him a rueful smile. “I appreciate your concern, but trust me, nobody could have done a thing to help. Nobody still can. The truth is, Sara deserves much more than what I can offer her. She is better off without me.”

  “Donʼt you think she deserves to have a say in this, at least? This is her life too, son, and I donʼt think youʼre showing her much respect by making such an important decision all by yourself.”

  “I had to make this decision for her! Don’t you understand, she would never have let me go if Iʼd told her the truth.” Jack looked away and fiddled with a pencil on his desk. “Itʼs too late now, anyway. I couldnʼt go back to her even if I wanted to.”

  Frank frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “I fucked up, Frank. I hurt her really bad, and now she hates me. Not to mention sheʼs been staying at John Wayneʼs ranch,” he grunted between gritted teeth. He didnʼt realize heʼd snapped in half the pencil he was holding until he saw Frank stare at the two pieces.

  His friend sighed. “Youʼre never going to return to Starville, are you?”

  “Wrong.” Jack raised his gaze to him, a defiant expression on his face. “Iʼve already booked my flight, and Iʼm going back in a couple of weeks.”

  Frank couldnʼt have looked more surprised. “Are you serious? Is that where youʼll be on Thanksgiving?”

  “Yes.” Although that was merely a coincidence. To be honest, Jack hadn’t thought of the holiday at all when heʼd booked his flight. Not that he had much to be thankful for, anyway.

  “Sara will be back in Starville for Thanksgiving, too.”

  “So?” Jack lifted one shoulder. “Donʼt you give me that look, Frank. I have no intention of seeing her while Iʼm there.”

  The attorneyʼs smile died. “But—”

  “Sara and I are through. Get over it.” Jack cut him off, trying to ignore the pain his own words caused in his chest. “Sheʼs not the reason Iʼm going back.”

  “Than what the hell is it?”

  “If you really must know, now that my memoryʼs back, I remember the reason I returned to Starville five months ago and I have to go back again. But no, donʼt ask me what that reason is, because I canʼt tell you. Not yet.”

  Frank shook his head with a huff. “Fine. Whatever. Act like a complete moron, if you want to. But just so you know, your head is even harder than J.T.ʼs.”

  Jack gave him a crooked smile. “Iʼll take that as a compliment. Now, get outta here. I have to take a look at the crap Ray dumped on my desk.”

  “As if I wanted to waste another minute with you,” Frank scoffed, standing and starting to walk toward the door. His hand was already on the knob when he turned around to give him a sharp look. “Youʼre always trying to protect everyone, Jack―except for yourself. But whoʼs going to take care of you?”

  Chapter 32

  Standing in front of The Cove, Sara breathed in the winter-scented air of the late November morning and gave a long, fond look around. Starville seemed to have gotten its usual energy back after months of foreboding and darkness. And boy, was she happy to be back! As much as she had loved staying at Carsonʼs ranch, sheʼd missed her beloved town.

  “Are you all right?”

  Sara turned to Nicky with a smile. “Yeah. I didnʼt realize how much I missed this place.”

  “Thatʼs because youʼve been gone for two months and have only been back for a couple of hours.” Her friend grimaced. “I wish I could go away long enough to miss it. By the way, is Carson going to join us for lunch?”

  “Yep, he said heʼd be here as soon as he finishes running his errands.” Once inside the diner, they sat at one of the few booths still available. Sara smiled again. Sheʼd even missed this crowded hole of a place.

  “Sara, dear, what a wonderful surprise,” Lucy welcomed her. “I havenʼt seen you in so long, how are you?”

  “Iʼm great, Lucy, thanks.” It was true. The weeks she’d spent at Carsonʼs ranch had worked miracles for her broken heart. “How ʼbout you?”

  “Same old, same old. Nicky, on the other hand, has been impossible to deal with. Sheʼs like an abandoned puppy without you.”

  Nicky gave an embarrassed laugh. “Well, yeah, I canʼt deny that. In fact, Lucy, why donʼt you go ahead and bring a nice, juicy burger to this poor, abandoned puppy? Oh, and fries, too. And a Coke.”

  Lucy chuckled. “Sure, dear. The same for you, too, Sara?”

  “Yes, thanks. But Iʼll have a glass of sparkling water instead of the Coke, if you donʼt mind, and a big slice of your wonderful apple pie,” she said, her stomach growling at the thought. Despite her nausea, she was always hungry lately. She slanted a glance at Nicky. She was dying to tell her about her baby, but she couldnʼt yet. Her friend would never resist the temptation to pass her news along to Brent, and he could easily tell Jack, since Sara knew that the two of them had kept in touch since heʼd left and talked to each other every now and then. Not that she wouldnʼt want Jack to know about their baby…but she wanted to be the one to tell him. If she ever saw him again, that was.

  “All right, what the heck is up with you?” Nickyʼs sudden question jolted her out of her daze.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You look strange.”

  “Thanks.” Sara snorted.

  “Iʼm serious. Look at you! Iʼll never understand how you could possibly leave this place weeks ago, depressed out of your mind and skinny as hell, and come back like…this!”

  Her brows knitted. “Like what?”
/>   “I donʼt know, all cheerful and smiling. And so hungry Iʼm afraid youʼll eat me up, too.”

  Sara shook her head. “Nicky, Jackʼs been gone for months now. Itʼs over between us, and I canʼt do anything about it but accept it. Iʼve had my time to grieve. Now itʼs time for me to stop hiding out and start living again, donʼt you think?”

  “Well, yes, of course.”

  “You were the one who told me I had to pull myself back together, remember? I assured you that I would, in my own time, and I did. Iʼm tired of hurting. Iʼm tired of crying, Iʼm tired of grieving for the loss of something that clearly was never there to begin with. Iʼm ready to laugh again, see people, have some fun. And yes, I also got my appetite back. Whatʼs wrong with that?”

  “Nothing at all, dear,” Lucy chimed in as she stopped by their table and set their orders down in front of them. Sara flashed her a bright smile. “Thanks, Lucy.”

  “Iʼm not saying thereʼs anything wrong,” Nicky amended. “Itʼs just…strange. But if thatʼs how you really feel, my friend, then kudos to you.”

  Lucy waved a hand as if to swat her words away. “Sara is a smart woman, she knows no man is worth wasting precious tears.” Glancing toward the kitchen, she rolled her eyes with a sigh. “Speaking of worthless men, Hank is calling me. Gotta go.”

  Sara chuckled but stopped abruptly as she felt Nickyʼs attentive stare upon her. “What now?”

  “Are you really okay?”

  “Yes, Mom.” Rolling her eyes, she shoved a couple of French fries in her mouth. “Sure, I admit that Iʼm not exactly on cloud nine and I still miss Jack like crazy every day. But I canʼt feel sorry for myself forever.”

  Nicky leaned back into her seat. “I have to say, itʼs great hearing you talk like this. Iʼm happy that spending some time at Carsonʼs ranch did you so much good.”

  Sara dipped another fry in a pinkish concoction of mayonnaise and ketchup and popped it in her mouth. “I had a great time, and Mariaʼs delicious food made me forget all of my misfortunes,” she joked. Carsonʼs housekeeper had been more than thrilled to stuff her with food, especially upon learning that she was expecting a baby. “Besides, Iʼm finally over the darn writer’s block and Iʼm on a roll. The book Iʼve been working on since I met Jack is finished and will be released in less than two weeks, and Iʼm already halfway done with my new one. Can you believe it?”

  “Thatʼs awesome!” Her friendʼs eyes finally shone with enthusiasm. “So, is it true that youʼve been torturing your hero? Carson says youʼre even thinking about having him get killed, but I donʼt believe him.”

  Sara averted her gaze, slightly embarrassed. “Well, I havenʼt really made up my mind on that, but yes, Iʼm thinking about it. Right now Iʼm just getting a kick out of making him suffer a little. If he ends up dead, though, I can assure you that it will be a slow, painful death,” she admitted with a sadistic gleam in her eyes that made Nicky burst out laughing.

  “Youʼre terrible.”

  She shrugged. “I find it therapeutic. Better than lying down on a shrinkʼs couch, anyway.”

  “Amen to that.”

  “Iʼve also decided to get published under my real name from now on.”

  Her friendʼs jaw dropped. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes. Iʼm done hiding, Nicky. All this time, I thought my lack of inspiration was due to the fact that I had no life…while all I was lacking was a little confidence. For years, I let others rule my existence, but if thereʼs one thing Iʼve learned from my experience with Jack, itʼs that peopleʼs opinions don’t matter as long as I believe in myself. And I do now. Iʼm finally proud of who I am.”

  Nicky took her hand. “So you should be, honey. You have accomplished so much, and Iʼm proud of you, too. And I canʼt wait to read this new book of yours.”

  “Thank you.” Sara breathed an easier breath. “So, how are things going with your life? Are you still dating David?” she teased.

  “Oh, yeah. Heʼs the only sexy man who wants to go out with me.” A smile spread across Nickyʼs face as her gaze flitted to a spot behind Saraʼs shoulder. “Well, wouldnʼt you know—we start talking about sexy men and here comes Carson.”

  He stopped by their table with a grin. “Morning, ladies.”

  Chuckling, Sara scooted down the booth to make room for him. He sat down beside her and placed his black Stetson on the other side. “So, Nicky, what have I missed since the last time I came to town? Did you and Brent get married yet?” he joked with a wink.

  “Ha ha.” Nickyʼs cheeks turned a few different shades of red as she threw a napkin at him.

  Carson caught it and handed it back to her, then leaned lazily against the back of the seat, his long legs stretched in front of him. His biceps bulged against the sleeves of his denim shirt as he folded his arms over his chest.

  Tracy, whoʼd just reached their table, ogled him shamelessly. “Be still my heart,” she said, fanning her face. “Where have you girls been hiding this one?”

  Carson smiled back at her. “Hi. Iʼm Carson.”

  “Tracy.” She happily took the hand heʼd extended to her, then took out her notepad, but her gaze remained fixed on him even as she took his order. When she was done, she placed a hand on his shoulder and leaned over him. “Donʼt go anywhere. Iʼll be right back.”

  Sara couldnʼt help grinning as she watched her sashay toward the kitchen. “How does it feel, Cars?”

  “What?”

  “Sweeping a woman off her feet with a simple look.”

  He lifted one shoulder. “The only one I care about is completely immune to me.”

  There was so much sadness in his murmured words and so much pain in his blue eyes that Sara and Nicky could only exchange a silent look, not sure what to say.

  Nicky cleared her throat. “How long are you staying in town, Carson?”

  “Not long at all. Jamie and I will be driving back to the ranch tonight after I pick him up at the airport.” A real smile finally lit up his eyes at the mention of his son. Then he turned back to Sara. “I almost forgot, kid. I donʼt mean to ruin your day, but I heard somebody else just got back to town.”

  Nicky huffed, her eyes tapered with anger. “Who? Mr. Jackass?”

  “Yep. I met Brent outside, and he asked me to give you the heads-up: Turner called and said heʼs going to pick up his bike this afternoon,” he confirmed contritely.

  Sara swallowed hard. Her heart was pounding in her throat, but she shook her head with a faint smile. “Itʼs okay. Iʼll have to meet Jack again sooner or later, and the sooner the better, right?” Besides, just because he was back in town it didnʼt mean sheʼd meet him. …Right?

  Carson gave her a long look, and she knew exactly what he was thinking—if she did see Jack again, she would have no more excuses not to tell him about the baby. That thought made her want to wrap herself back in the cocoon-like security of Carsonʼs ranch.

  ***

  Jack slowed his motorcycle to a stop and scanned the area, observing the bare trees, the brown leaves that the sharp gusts of wind kept scattering everywhere. The place was the same as he remembered, yet everything looked different from the last time he was here.

  Almost as different as he felt.

  His mind drifted to a distant time, a time he hadnʼt allowed himself to think about before now. With a sigh, he slid off the bike and slowly walked to the tall, rusty gate in front of him. His right hand automatically slipped up, his fingertips softly tracing the letters engraved on the black iron. J.T. This was the first contact with his ranch since the night his life had changed forever.

  Funny. He had envisioned this moment a million times, imagining it in all its exciting details. He had anticipated the thrill heʼd feel knowing he was only mere feet away from achieving what had been his reason to live for the last ten years. Revenge. Somewhere on the other side of that gate was the missing piece of the puzzle, the evidence he needed to finally find the answers to all of his questions. The key to open that gate was in his pocket.


  So why was he hesitating?

  Why wasnʼt the prospect of revenge nearly as sweet as heʼd expected? Here he was now, so close to obtaining everything heʼd worked so hard for…and he felt nothing. Nothing but the same numbness that had overtaken his mind and body in the last two months. There was no thrill, no exhilaration. He didnʼt care anymore.

  Not without Sara.

  Sheʼd been his drive for the last six months. Not his anger, not his resentment, not his bitterness. Only Sara. With her warmth, her care, her love, she had cracked something inside him that he hadn’t thought could be reached. And he would never be whole again without her.

  Because he loved her.

  Jack leaned his forehead against the cold iron gate, his eyes closed. Yes, heʼd run away. Yes, heʼd hurt her. But heʼd done it for her, so that sheʼd be safe.

  Bullshit. Heʼd done it for himself, too.

  You always want to protect everyone, Jack―except for yourself.

  Yeah, well, Frank was wrong. Jack had also been protecting himself. Keeping his heart from getting too attached, from loving too much and breaking into shards once that love was taken away from him. Because it always was, in the end. He had loved J.T. more than life. He had loved his brother. And they were both dead. Ripped away from him. From his heart. If Sara was taken away, too…

  He shook his head hard. He wouldnʼt let himself think that way. Sara was safe, because heʼd let her go. She was doing well. Hell, she was happy, Frank said.

  Without him.

  With another man.

  The sudden realization all but knocked the breath out of him. Jack stumbled back, crashing into a tree behind him. He barely felt himself slide to the ground, his face buried in his hands. Sara didnʼt need him anymore. She probably never had. Sheʼd thought she loved him at some point, but really, what was to love? He was ruined. Broken. Exhausted. But, dammit, he loved her. No other man will ever love her like I do.